Back in the singles' club again

Either that or they're messed in the head.

well, i like to keep in touch in ex-es. i'm in touch with most of them. after all, i was with them because they were exceptional people. but i can see how it may be necessary sometime to cut off all contact and move on. Not that I do it, I suck at it and wouldn't want it. Maybe, Super G, you can just reply politely with one or two sentences to his emails, so that you do answer, but that he also gets the message that he can no longer dump his stuff onto you.

Being friends or at least being able to have a conversation with an X is healthy, but only if both parties are over the hurt stage. If the dumped person hasn't healed, or still wants the relationship back, contacting them might make them think there is still a chance. It can be emotionally confusing for them.

dagmaraka, if you keep in touch with exs while being upfront about your intent, all the power to you. However, as paulaj said, it can be emotionally confusing for someone to have their ex talking to them every day again while keeping things muddy.

Let's face it, a lot of people talk to their ex because they are the ones that have not gotten completely over him/her, even though they were they ones that broke it off, and this is extremely unfair.

no, i hear you, and i agree. it is unfair. my old ex's are now old friends, and the recent one, well, he'll be in my life always as i will be in his. 8 years toether, common friends, we'll stay in touch. but that doesn't apply across the board, and gautam's friend is surely overstepping boundaries. but that also doesn't mean one needs to be rude and harsh to him, especially if he has issues and needs treatment. there are polite ways is all i'm tryin to say.

I fully agree with what you are saying, dagmaraka, both with regards to how and why we do keep in touch with exs (just like I keep in touch with an ex of 5 years) and also with regards to Gautam's situation.

However, I would like to point out the following:

1) Gautam is stating that he just got over the relationship; obviously the breakup hurt him very much.

2) His ex does have personal issues to work out with himself, with the help of a counsellor/therapist. He goes to counselling and Gautam does not want (because he does seem caring) to "send him into a downward spiral", as he put it.

So my question is this: because the other person has problems, how much anguish and hurt must Gautam swallow himself?

Just because the other person is seeking counselling and Gautam is not, does that mean Gautam should be subjected to the former sweetie's problems?

I know you said that there are polite ways, but in my experience, polite ways usually get you ended up being subjected to incosiderate behaviour down the road. You give them an inch, they take a mile. I'm not saying for him to be a dickhead, but sometimes you have to speak up for yourself, instead of watching what you say just so you can be polite for the other person's good. What about what's good for you?

I'm not saying all this so as to conclude that one has to be selfish; what I am saying is that maybe it's best to be brutally honest about what the other person is doing to you rather than just be polite, even if the other person is going through counselling (unless of course the other person is bordering on suicidal behaviour or something like that).

What about what Gautam is/was going through over the breakup? Did the ex lose any sleep over what he was doing to him, or was he too busy putting his "issues" in Gautam's face?

I was just thinking that as Gautam's ex is in counselling, this is the perfect time to tell him to stop bothering him - he's already got a counsellor, who he can talk to about why he had the crazy idea to get back in touch, and why it wasn't a good idea.

I think ex's need to have the sense, and courtesy, to allow each other time outs, time to figure out whether they will be friends in the future. The constant poking-at is simply rude. Picking at scabs doesn't make them heal better. Sometimes faster, but that usually leads to scarring.

I think Gautam is a good guy, and a wise one, too. If the time comes that this ex becomes too much to bear, I'm sure G will let him down easily and with kindness.

You'd be surprised how much "too much to bear" you will swallow if you are "a good guy", though. For Gautam to be saying "Damn him - I think I am off relationships for the rest of my life - too much trouble", it would seem that despite his wisdom, he is currently not enjoying what is happening to him, is he.

No, he isn't.
It's hardly likely that he'll give up on relationships over this, though! Gautam just likes to exaggerate sometimes. It's part of his dramatic flair, and we love him for it. {{{smooches to G}}}

Sometimes the kind thing is to tell the person to back off. Not in a rude way, but in a clear way. When I read G's post, my concern was for the ex, not G. Having a counsellor on the scene now - it's probably the best time for the ex to be told. G will take care of himself.

hmmmmm, ex's who are friends forever. sounds a bit like 'pinkie swearing'. there are very few people in our lives that we'll know forever. people move on, literally and figuratively. recognizing that the ongoing changes of the relationships in our lives are normal is smart and healthy.

Gautam--

I'm on your side--and so is my second-best black umbrella. Just pay my air fare and point me towards the cad.

I have friendships with two of my exes - the fellow who turned out to be gay, now a 30 year friend, and my exhusband. Not that I don't have some underlying roiling feelings re him, but we both like the sense of continuity in life, and both have remnants of admiration. No, I don't want him back, or vice versa. But our history wasn't all so terrible that we want to obliterate 23 years time of substantial caring, whatever war party period ensued. That renewed friendship did take a while though, various rollicking conversations.

Anyways, we will see what happens. I am just putting on a brave face and responding with one liners of the type "good to know things are working well for you" - he keeps asking me abt me, and so far I havent made a single comment. I do hope he gets the message. I had ct off all contact with him last June after a fight (silly though it was) and had never responded to his mails or messages. But when he started on "I wish you talk to me just once, I am trying to find a lost friend" etc etc (taking me on a f**king gulit trip) I had to respond (because basically, I am a nice guy )

And Eva, I was serious - no dramatic flair in my statement - relationships are far too much trouble and need far too much investment in terms of time and emotion, both of which I simply do not have at the moment !! And if I am alone, I can concentrate fully on you Now you don't want to share me with anyone do you ?

Aris, you sound just like the person I would like to have a couple of drinks with. Too bad I am not moving to Athens any more

More's the pity; you sound like quite the character and a lively discussion regarding life's twists and turns over a few drinks does seem like it would be enjoyable. Well, even if you say you are not coming to Athens anymore, you never know what the future holds in store, do you, we may have those drinks yet. Nice meeting you in here, though

Gautam--

You wrote:




You know what happens to Nice Guys, don't you. Nice Guys get manipulated.

As long as you recognize your limitations in time and energy.

Hold your dominion.

Dear G, as a matter of fact, I do know some men I'd like to share you with. Handsome, successful gay men. Too bad your career is taking up all your energy these days. <sigh>

You can always give them my phone number/email address - who knows, maybe someone will be good enoguh to get me out of office once in a while

Unfortunately, they're in the US...and you're not.
I wish you were. For purely personal reasons.
(Okay, maybe not "purely." )

ugggh. just got horrible news from the monster. let's call him E, just today. E's friend from childhood died of a massive heart attack few days back - E just emailed me. 35 year old guy. No warning symptoms, no nothing, he just died within a few minutes. I emailed back, but i feel so helpless, i wish there was more that i could do. but we haven't spoken on the phone or in person since july - we are just emailing every now and then, and i don't want to trespass our unspoken agreement. and i guess i don't really want to call, i just feel confused as to whether i should or not, even if i might cringe. after all, i was with E for 8 years, knew his friend well enough, and i know E in and out, i believe i know him better than anyone else. his dad died of massive heart attack and i know how that gets to him, i know exactly how he feels right now. yet we are not together anymore, and i don't know if he would want me to call. grrrr. and quite frankly i never wanted to be the first one to call him, but this is different. oh, i just need to put it out there, i hate feeling helpless. will go to the gym and see if he writes back before tomorrow, then i'll see if i feel like calling. tough one. any ideas out there?