I'm not sure if you saw my most recent post, but I would like to add onto it and respond to your comments, as well.
When I first discovered the affair, I apparently told her that I don't want her to have any communication with him ever again. She reminded me of this yesterday and told me that she resents not being treated like an adult that can make her own decisions. She said she has no intention to speak to him again, but resents being told she can't.
Up until Monday, I felt like my wife and I were making steady progress each day. However, I feel like Monday was a bit of a setback. And it might be my fault. As I said before, my emotions have been a roller coaster and they can change in an instant. I am not used to this, because I typically have a pretty level personality. The problem is that things can seem to be going well, but all of the sudden, the whole thing hits me again. My wife is getting frustrated, and she is starting to become defensive. She says that I am 'beating a dead horse.' I feel like she's beginning to pull away and I don't want that! I keep telling her that I'm sorry and that I don't want to feel like this - I really can't help it!
I have trouble translating my emotions and feelings into words, which is what I think the root of the problem is. I know that I am redundant with the things I say and questions that I ask her, but I just don't know how else to say what I am feeling. She says she doesn't have a problem talking about it, but she wants the conversations to be productive. I totally agree with that, but I don't know how.
A lot of my questions are rhetorical and all I want from her to do is hug me and say I'm sorry, I love you, I promise I'll never again betray you, but more than anything, I want her to tell me that the other guy means nothing to her.
Thank you so much again for advice, encouragement, and kind words. It is really helping me work through this.