Sat 28 Jun, 2014 08:23 am
My AP and I decided to take a step back from our six week long relationship about a month ago - and in it's wake I'm deeply confused as to what she wants and what I really mean to her. We've known each other casually since mid-summer of 2013, but things progressed a little more in February of this year and then finally, we started our relationship in late April of this year. She and I have shared many things about our personal lives, deepest interests, likes/dislikes, dreams, goals, etc. including the state of our primary relationships with each other. We hit it off like magic! It's like we truly get each other. Not only that, I find her to be a beautiful woman inside and out. During the course of this relationship, we communicated via email, had lunches together, had kisses here and there, and face to face time together briefly after work. There was no sex in our relationship even though we've had multiple opportunities for it to happen and we're very much physically attracted to one another - however, for what it's worth, I respected my marriage enough to not go there and her just the same as a woman and mother if that makes any sense. I decided if that were to happen, I wanted it under a clear conscience.
She's 27, married once before, currently engaged (no date set), with three kids - ages, 7, 5, and 1. Her fiancé is the father of her 1-year old and from what she has shared with me is an alcoholic who has relapsed on occasion with other legal troubles whom she says she loves and has history with. Me, I'm 37, married (7 years), no kids, wife is 56 y.o. executive professional married twice before. I've known for a while that I shouldn't have married my wife for reasons that didn't surface until after we were married (chiefly our age difference, the inability to have a family, and no deeper connection beyond the sex) - things I wasn't thinking of clearly and deeply about when I proposed. Even though she is an overall great woman whom I think is physically attractive, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that because we had already made that leap. But that's where it ends with us - we have intimacy in the sense she and I know everything about one another, but it's more like we're just friends that have a healthy sex life - all the while we live separate lives so to speak. There's never been a deeper connection beyond the things we know of each other and the sex. I recently shared these feelings with her after having started things with my AP and decided to go in to marriage counseling/therapy. I KNOW exactly why I had stepped outside of my relationship with my wife - but I didn't handle it in proper order. And no, I have no desire to tell her about my AP. It's my torment to bear, not my wife's.
Nonetheless, things came to a head with my AP and I late May/early June of this year when we verbally expressed that we had fallen in love with one another combined with the fact that she had a car accident that emotionally freaked her out - she was alone and no one was hurt btw. Thank goodness! Yet, before the accident and our professing our love, etc. she had told me that she spoken with her mother about me and that she is confident about our future and life together, etc. But after the accident, it's like something changed in her. Outside of the fact that she is about to move back home to a neighboring state, for reasons she's says is best for her kids (I completely understand and respect that) and that she also has a gut feeling about her current relationship with her fiancé ending based upon the way things are at home. I'm uncertain if she means legally or romantically or both. But in any case that's where it is. Basically it's up to him if we are ever to have a start at a relationship. She also said that she couldn't bring herself to end their engagement because all three of her kids are attached to him and that she loves him and they have history, etc. Not to mention she said he's been trying to be a better father and man, etc., she's not being abused and the kids are taken care of...................ummm...What??????? Between our professing of being in love and the accident, she's told me so much about how she's in love with me and sees her entire future with me and that I'm the one she wants to walk down the aisle with one last time and that she feels safe whenever she's with me. I'm not saying this guy is a terrible person per se, but she flat out told me he is an alcoholic and as delicate as it is for me to say, that is no loving environment for her or those kids in terms of stability, security, etc. To the fiancé's credit, I also don't live there and I don't know for sure how bad or not things are - it's only based on what she's told me. She said she feels like she's walking on eggshells a lot of times. I'm stumped as to why she would continue to be in a relationship like that? She told me she feels like she is walking away from the life she's always wanted with me but the decisions she's made in her personal life she has to be loyal to her kids and that she just wishes that timing were different. I can't force her to decide that for herself, she has to come to that conclusion on her own, but she's ultimately leaving it up to him. It just feels like she did an about face on me and what I thought she saw in me as a person. I'm not perfect (obviously for what I've done in my marriage nor is she in her engagement) but I've told her that I would give her and her babies the love and security I know she is really looking for and needs because I do love her and I know what I've wanted in my life too. Hardly the stuff of greener grass - that's for sure, but I know what I feel and think about her and her kids.
Since then, with the aid of therapy/marriage counseling and numerous candid and private conversations about the state of our relationship, my wife and I have decided to dissolve our marriage peacefully and on friendly terms for reasons stated above. We just want each other to be happy for the rest of our lives. Yet, I do miss and I'm in love with my AP. She NEVER has asked me once to leave my wife for her and her kids and I have not asked her to break things off with her fiancé. However, there is this seemingly unfortunate twist in all of this in that she is moving back home to a neighboring state next month, yet the fiancé (to my knowledge) is to decide if he's going to be with them or ending things with her once and for all (based on his legal issues, etc.) I'm doing my best to respect this "time out" yet I don't want to loose her at the same time because I feel like whatever is going on at home in her relationship even though it's been better lately or good now will probably happen again and just be a cycle. I'm so hurt and confused for her and her children's sake as well as mine......I don't know what to do....
Read your well written and detailed piece.
Then go seek better pastures.
respect this "time out"
get on with your life
if and when your crush is free to be in a relationship with you - without being in another relationship - then figure out what you can do
you do know this is bullshit right
And no, I have no desire to tell her about my AP. It's my torment to bear, not my wife's.
you're not in a gothic novel.
you've stepped out emotionally on your wife and haven't had the balls to tell her
good luck to all of you
Understood, however, it's not bullshit when my soon-to-be EX told me a long while ago that if I ever fell for another to just ask for the divorce and we would move on about our lives amicably. I've NEVER cheated on anyone in my life (and neither has my AP and I believe her) and I don't EVER want to repeat this or wish this torment on anyone. I feel immensely sorry that it came about the way in which it has. I should have been up front with my wife first about our relationship, but I didn't - I was too chicken. But to my wife's comment, she made her choice about the relationship between her and I under those circumstances w-a-y back then. Doesn't make it right or wrong of me to come clean. I'm just respecting her request. I just couldn't exit our relationship without the firm understanding through therapy/counseling. I'm sure she's curious/maybe suspicious, but she doesn't ask or wants to know. I feel beyond awful - believe me.
Evenmore, my AP works on my floor in our office building in the adjacent suite (different company)....and will be there for another 3.5 weeks until she moves back home (5 hour drive away). So we still see one another in passing throughout the day during the work week going to and from the elevators and restrooms on occasion. We say hi, make small talk and move on. It's AWKWARD as hell, because I know we both want to be together, but for the right reasons it has to be this way. Bitter effing pill to swallow - no doubt. And the last sentence in her last email she ever wrote to me four weeks ago she said that she hopes our paths will cross again. I don't know, but anyone reading that would say such a statement implies hope. Which definitely doesn't help me to mentally move on until it truly shakes out on her side. Understandably, I know the deck is stacked against the relationship on so many levels, yet I'm willing to commit and give it a real chance that we can work things out and start off slow under the right relationship circumstances. However, my divorce will finalize in about two more months. In my goodbye email reply to her four weeks ago I left her with all of my contact info but I also broke contact early last week because we were on the elevator and she asked me how was my weekend. So I hesitated, because I wanted to truly respect the time out. So I said I can't answer that in a few words, I said I'll write you and she said ok. I didn't ask or expect to hear back from her and she stood her ground. But in the email, I told her that my wife and I have moved forward and are filing papers to proceed with our divorce and that should finalize in about two months. I know much can happen in between now and then. Who knows. It's just perplexing to comprehend that, because I want to understand from her side why she truly stepped out of her relationship with him only to run back...if all of the few but detailed things she disclosed about him were that bad....and because of a car accident??? Truth came out that he helped her purchase the car. After learning that, I know she loves him and doesn't want to hurt him, but I also think she sympathizes with him and pities him in that she doesn't want to say or do anything that makes him upset (hence walking on eggshells) because he could get angry perhaps even relapse again but belligerent was the word she used. I really don't know. It's just a hot mess to try and make sense of all around - ughhhhh....and I know she wants to get her life and the kids lives on the right track......but she says she can't do it from her decision alone. Unbelievable and yet understandable at the same time.
You have a firm and clear grasp of your situation. Go seek greener pastures. Move on!
And the last sentence in her last email she ever wrote to me four weeks ago she said that she hopes our paths will cross again. I don't know, but anyone reading that would say such a statement implies hope.
that's a polite goodbye
kind of funny. there's a guy here who suggests that's how women should say goodbye - not to be too harsh. a woman does it, and another guy think it means hope.
it's not men and women who don't speak the same language - it's people
I know the one left holding the bag after a good affair is sometimes shaking the trees for "signs." You translate words and phrases 10 different ways, trying to squeeze more meaning out of them than is there...
The easiest sign to read is who she chose. I'm sorry.
I am very glad your relationship with your wife is dissolved. Even though it was nice to have a live-in friend who shared good sex with you, it stood in the way of the Real Thing.
Your affair woman has played her cards. Wait for someone who turns you on and at the end of the day, chooses you.
I'm unsure if I'm ready to accept that yet. There's still 3-1/2 weeks to go before she moves back home and the fiancé decides if he's going or or not going (hence the engagement is over as far she's concerned). But like I said before, the fiancé has to decide. But I want to be clear that her language doesn't end our relationship permanently (yet). So I don't want to rock the boat. I'm still very attached to her even though it's only been a month since we last spoke - yet we still see one another in passing throughout the work week. I never asked her to end it with him but I did ask her how confident she was about him not moving back with her and the little ones. At the time, she said she has a gut feeling that he won't based upon the way things were at home during the time she wanted us to take a step back/time of her car accident. So yes, you're probably right in that it looks like she chose him...but the fool in me I guess still has hope because she doesn't know 100% what he'll decide to do and so when she says she "hopes one day our paths will cross again" I think she means she's banking on this guy to go his separate way. She even said those exact words to me, but she doesn't have it in herself to end it permanently with him because he's helping her get the car repaired/fixed and he's done other things for her, etc. plus the relationship he has to the 1-year old, too. So now I'm sure she feels indebted (unwanted) and thankful (required?) to him for this all in the same. I know a lot can happen between then and 3-1/2 weeks from now. It's just that we related and talked so deeply about a lot of things in the six weeks it lasted.....She told me so many things about how she wants me in her future (not him) - she said she even spoke to her mother about me....I mean, I'm no fool (or maybe I am)....but when you meet someone and they touch your heart that profoundly that you speak to your parent about it.......that has to mean something, no? She even told me her mother thinks she's settling for this guy (the fiancé) given everything her mother knows about him and that she (my AP) doesn't need to marry him just because they have a child together. Idk - either she was lying about all of that (I seriously don't believe she was she's not a cold person) or I really mean something to this girl - but she's truly just stuck, because she wants to do what's right for her kids - which I can understand, but part of me wishes she would just tell him that he's not the right person for her. Yet, I can see what all of you are saying too. To be continued...I guess.
You said "I'm stumped as to why she would continue to be in a relationship like that?"
The reason is that she loves him more than she loves you - even when you reveal that you are now going to be "free." Those reasons may involve s sick relationship (i.e. caretaking an alcoholic, father of the kids, money, time, etc. etc.) but they had much more power in the end than what you offered.
Face it: you've been had.
I hope that you didn't give up something that you will regret in the future.
Thanks for you're insight. It burns to have to consider (perhaps even one day accept) that as truth in all of this, but to her credit, she also told me that this timeout was for her to focus on her move back home and with her kids, (she's packing up a house full of her stuff and theirs) on top of that she told me her ex-husband is still trying to fight her for residency custody for the 7 and 5 year old they have together....and at work she is now filling in for a woman who quit a week ago so she's doing her job plus her own to cover the gaps - more stress. Not an excuse at all on her (my AP's) behalf - I know her boss and what her other co-workers have shared with me in passing about her boss....so I believe this as well. But you're right, even though I revealed that I would be free, she still has kept her distance - but to her credit again, she was informed by me that I was about to make that step with my wife but she said she truly sympathized with me as she's been down that road before but she couldn't let that get in the way of everything else she is dealing with emotionally. I could respect that too. This was said by her following the accident in which she requested that we take a step back. She said after her move back home she would be in a better place emotionally and for her kids as well. However, her leaving it up to the fiancé to decide our fate seems a tad weak (probably for my own selfish reasons) but I can also understand her side of it too in that she doesn't want to hurt him and she also doesn't want to hold the guilt of having made the decision to leave him for her kids emotional sake too. I just feel that she could be stronger and just end it on the day she moves that is if there was any real weight to what she has expressed and said she felt about me/us. So.. yes aside from the potential of she and I, she does have a lot on her plate in the background where she feels like just needs to breath - her exact words.....but it doesn't erase the fact of all the things she's told me about wanting her future with me, how in love she is with me, I'm the one she wants at the end of the aisle (not him), her having spoken to her mother about me, etc. I'm just venting my frustration and confusion mainly because I wish she'd not leave the decision up to the fiancé but it's not in my power, choice, or will to say that to her. But like I said, I'm willing to wait it out and see. In the meantime, I'm biding my time with packing up my things here in my home and looking for a new place to settle for the time being. I'm in no hurry to start dating anyone else unless it's her (and we'd be taking things very slow out the gate for obvious reasons) because that's who my heart and mind is with for the foreseeable future. I know I may be setting myself up for failure, but it seems equally hopeful and not at the same time from her side. Just stuck. Like she is until the end of July. But I swear if anyone of you knew her like I got to know her, you'd see that she is a real sweetheart and an incredible mother of three, but she's got a ton of other drama/stuff going on in her life that she's trying to get rid/free of and on the right foot once and for all for her and her kids - it's absolutely epic how she's able to deal with it if you only knew.
Game over guys. Stepping away with bags of Scott's turf builder in hand.