9
   

married - affair with married man - my story and I need help!

 
 
Reply Wed 18 Feb, 2015 01:38 pm
Not looking for someone to tell me what I am doing wrong. I know what I am doing is WRONG. More so looking for people who have been in similar situations or are right now...looking for someone to talk to and hear others stories and how they ended up.
Ok - let me just first start off by saying that the affair that I am in is probably one of the worst possible scenarios possible for this!!!

My BF and I met at work. We have worked together for roughly 10 years. He is roughly 10 years older than me. Throughout the years at work, we have always been friends and have always been a little flirty but mostly because we both have flirty personalities. I don't even remember how it started about a year ago, we were texting (which we sometimes did, friend stuff) and somehow got on the subject of our significant others.

My husband and I have struggled since we have gotten married for some reason with lack of affection. I am not sure WHY this has happened because we when were dating and when I fell it love with him, it was like he was a completely different person than he is now. I am a very sexual/physical/emotional person and I feel like that is an extremely important part of a marriage. It's nothing though for us to go months without having sex and days without him even telling me he loves me. He has just turned into this guy who I feel I have no emotional connection with whatsoever. Honestly I feel like we are just roommates. I love him to death but I am just missing that little piece that should connect a husband and a wife. He knows that I have an issue with this. We discuss it all the time but he doesn't seem to try to fix anything. He just says "that's who he is"...not a very affectionate person.

Through our text conversations with one another it was somehow brought up that he was unhappy with his wife for the last couple of years.
Anyway once we started talking about our significant others we realized that we were missing the same things, so we had something we could relate to with each other. At first it was just innocent talking/complaining about the lack of love/affection/sex from our partners. I don't even know HOW it happened but one day after work we were both the only ones in the office and we were just standing there and he kissed me. It was like I felt fireworks!!! It felt like he knew exactly how to kiss me and it just felt so passionate.
Later that evening the more dirty texts began. Which was all it was for a while....we'd talk about how attracted we were to one another, send pictures here and there, and that was strictly it. We would sneak kisses in the office sometimes, and it felt great being so sneaky. It was fun!! We eventually decided to meet up one afternoon on a Sunday. It was AMAZING. This went on for several months. And in the beginning it was strictly pleasurable and we had both discussed and agreed upon that. We would meet up probably twice a week after work for about an hour or so and then most Sundays for a couple of hours. About five months into the affair, I began noticing that I was falling for him. And falling HARD. We didn't just have sex anymore. We had sex and laid in bed and talked for hours about everything. Most importantly to me...he made me laugh. He is one of the funniest guys I know and puts a smile on my face every time I see him. He made me feel BEAUTIFUL. He constantly tells me how pretty I am, how lucky he is, points out everything that he loves about me. And the kissing and sex with him is something that I have never experienced before. With my husband and the few others guys I had been with in the past, this was nothing like it. He was so passionate and it got more and more passionate as time went on.
Finally one day he told me he loved me. And I said it right back because I had been feeling it for a month or so. I fell completely in love with the man that I was just supposed to be having "fun" with and an escape from my boring marriage. NOW WHAT?! This is where I am so confused now. We tell each other we love each other every single day. We spend as much time together as possible. We are still falling in love with each other and we both want to be with each other badly. I text him all day every day and every time that I see his name on my phone I get so excited. When he walks into my office I get so happy. Most importantly in all of this, he makes me SO HAPPY. Something that I haven't had with my husband. I hate so bad to say that because it makes me feel like an awful wife. But I wonder, am I supposed to be with my husband? Or is this the man that I am supposed to be with? If we were together, would it always be this exciting and passionate? There is so much as risk here. Last week, I stayed with him one night when his wife and kids were out of town. He has told me several times that he wished we were together, wished we were married, wished we could be happy together. He tells me that I am the girl that he has been looking for all his life. But that morning he didn't want to let me go and he looked me straight in the eyes and told me that he wished I was his wife. This simple sentence sent cold chills down my body. This was what I wanted. I WANT to be with him. I miss him when I am not around him and I constantly think of him and how happy we are when we are together. I have told him recently that I want to be with him so bad but it would cause such a mess if we tried! Not to mention he has two kids and I do not want to split a children apart from their parents.
I am just so confused! Does he REALLY want to risk everything and be with me? I am nervous.....so nervous. what if I let my marriage to be with him and it was nothing like what I thought it would be? Would our age difference be a huge factor later on down the road??? sooooo many questions I have for myself and it drives me crazy! But I am so head over heels in love with that man.
 
jespah
 
  6  
Reply Wed 18 Feb, 2015 02:14 pm
If you leave your marriage, do that utterly independently of whatever you may have with this guy. Forget his sincerity (if he is sincere). The guy could die tomorrow.

So, if you are going to change your life radically like this, make sure you do so for your own reasons and not because of what hormones are telling you to do. Because if it doesn't work out or it gets rough, you will resent all of this upsetting of the apple cart.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Wed 18 Feb, 2015 02:41 pm
@Lvilleqt123,
Lvilleqt123 wrote:

My husband and I have struggled since we have gotten married for some reason with lack of affection.

He has just turned into this guy who I feel I have no emotional connection with whatsoever.


I stopped reading at this point.

Sort out your marriage.

End it if you are not in a good relationship with your husband and there is no potential for it to be good.

What you might or might not do with someone else is an entirely separate issue.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 18 Feb, 2015 02:45 pm
@Lvilleqt123,
Ask yourself a hypothetical question.

Let's say you two ended up together. Then 5 years down the track you ended up in the same situation you are in now, nil emotions, I love you's, sex every few months, because the fire of excitement, lust, hiding, sneaking is no longer there.

Would you wonder if you could have captured all of this "again" with your Husband and maybe made a mistake?

We always want what we can't have.

Take 5 out and go back to when you met your husband, if you can't see a simular pattern lust, falling in love, perhaps you settled, if you can see it was simular maybe not as passionate then look ahead a few years and ask that question whether this relationship could end up the same.

Adventure, excitement, compliments doesn't last forever unless you are with the person that is prepared to never stop being that way, because of your and his love for each other.

I've recalled 1 only in 9 years of Forums, where he has in fact left his wife and children for his Mistress.

Ask yourself one more question, if it didn't work out with you two, would he have another affair with another younger woman...............

Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 20 Feb, 2015 09:30 am
@FOUND SOUL,
You've got to be kidding.
How can she answer a question if he would be with another woman.
I bet even he doesn't know at this point if he is in lust/love whatever with her
IF he would be with another woman.
And I wouldn't take age for consideration here.
I am dealing with the same issue and he doesn't even KNOW how old I am.
And doesn't care.
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 20 Feb, 2015 09:42 am
@Lvilleqt123,
Now dear I will bore you with my story. You can click on my name and read me up at '50 in love'. You will see I could write ALL you just wrote.
It had been a year of my love story.
Though we had never planned on breaking families and being together I can tell you I love him now as much as on day 1st which had happened 6 years ago.
It had been 5 years before an affair.
However it is getting bit almost like if we were married and still care about each other but we are finding need of a break here and than.
I am afraid it will get to the point when we are going to be back to being just friends. It is going to be never easy, but all this excitement is also getting not fading but more like every day routine thing when sometimes we are making plans to meet and I am wishing he changed plans and I can tell he is calling me thinking maybe I will back off. Not that love is going anywhere. We are still mad about each other. When we talking about every day stuff, work, kids whatever - it is the sexiest moments of our lives and we are so careful for people not to notice. I had not believed it can ever happen like that. After our 'breaks' there goes hugs to the point when I am losing my mind still but I am sure it is going into a new stage where I wouldn't want to find myself. Think and think again. I wish you best of luck and love and making a right decision and share it with me when you make the right one. Smile
0 Replies
 
phxguy2001
 
  2  
Reply Thu 26 Mar, 2015 05:55 am
@Lvilleqt123,
Wow, your story sounds so familiar to my affair that I had with a married woman...the difference being that she got caught and now we have nothing, but enough about me. It may sound selfish considering there are children involved, but I think you should go for it. Happiness and chemistry in a marriage are so huge. My GF wanted me to leave my wife to be with her after she got caught and I couldn't pull the trigger...that was a month ago and I truly regret that decision.
If you and your BF can talk it out and make a real plan it could work out in the long run. If I could do it over, I would go with my GF in a second but its too late now.
I wish you luck with your decision.
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Sat 4 Apr, 2015 11:23 am
@phxguy2001,
Why couldn't you pull the trigger?
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Sat 4 Apr, 2015 11:24 am
@phxguy2001,
And if you regret this decision why can't you stop regretting and pull?
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Apr, 2015 01:36 pm
You said: "But I wonder, am I supposed to be with my husband?"

If you are STILL wondering about this, then you have a long way to go before you make life changing decisions and actions.

I don't know where you find the time to have this intense of an affair. Doesn't your husband wonder where you are and what you are doing?

You must get honest with your husband. He needs to know what he is about to lose. (On the other hand, maybe he is pushing you away, so you WILL leave. He's probably unhappy, too)

Don't leave your husband for this other man. Leave him because you want to find a more fulfilling love - and you may not have found it yet. You have an exciting affair - the forbidden, exciting.

It will be interesting to see what your lover does when he sees you totally available. Bets are he will not leave his wife and children.
0 Replies
 
VeryUnhappy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 11 May, 2015 04:32 pm
@Lvilleqt123,
Hi there. Read my post for what happens when it goes wrong...

I think what you should do is stop having sex with him and stop seeing him. If he wants what you guys have enough, then he will leave. If he doesn't, then he won't. It really is as simple as that.

If you keep giving him everything without making him decide then it will only crush you more if/when he decides he actually can't go through with leaving. So make him make that decision now.
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 21 May, 2015 09:51 am
@VeryUnhappy,
So what is going on? Any updates?
0 Replies
 
Kyleah
 
  0  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2015 08:02 am
I'm new to the affair thing, but what I do know is I do have a plan to leave my marriage. It's been out in the open with the AP since day one. I think you need a plan.
Lvilleqt123
 
  0  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 07:42 am
@Kyleah,
Kyleah what is your plan?
Kyleah
 
  0  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2015 11:36 am
@Lvilleqt123,
Well my plan is to go ahead with the divorce. One big problem is I need to gain a little for financial independence. However, I've been to a lawyer, know my rights and what's in store here. I hate to do this to my children, however, this is a toxic mess for them to see two people living under the same roof who pretty much detest one another. As to the affair.. I realte to being sucked into the allure of it. But really do think about all of this long and hard. If you're marriage is worth saving I say do it. At best you will have no regret. I wish mine was but its so completely beyond that.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 9 Sep, 2015 12:19 pm
@Kyleah,
Have you told your lawyer about your two ongoing extramarital relationships with men?
0 Replies
 
cyra
 
  0  
Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2016 01:14 pm
@Lvilleqt123,
If you think your marriage is beyond saving, don't think that you have to stay just out of sense of duty or because you feel guilty. You both deserve to be happy. Do you trust this guy is sincere? Did you discuss specific plans to be together?
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Sat 15 Oct, 2016 06:06 am
@Kyleah,
How is it going?
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
  1. Forums
  2. » married - affair with married man - my story and I need help!
Copyright © 2020 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 06/01/2020 at 06:09:33