5
   

Need advice. Wife having 'Facebook' affair with old boyfriend.

 
 
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 02:12 pm
@Bigben1,
I think you both own this one. Your wife should not have any expectation that you should finish your grieving process and be over this quickly. Emotionally, you may need to beat that horse a little longer. You have to understand that if you can't let this go and eventually stop beating that horse, your marriage is going to fail.

IMO, you need to talk to a councilor. Exchanging postings with us is a start, but you really need to vent to someone who can listen, let you grieve and start pulling you back. That is not your wife or your best friend.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 07:28 pm
@Bigben1,
Hi Ben,

I did read all your replies and posts and as I said previously, you both should go to couple therapy. You both feel hurt and neither one of you knows how to address the resentment of the other. You're just digging deeper into a hole and you won't get out on your own - you need a life line here.

Your wife is thinking: if you had been attentive to her in the first place, you wouldn't be in this predicament and she didn't have to look for outside stimulation. Now that you found out, she's willing to work on your marriage, but you have to get over your ill feelings in a hurry as she doesn't like to rehash her mishap. That's her point of view.

You on the other hand, are still miles away and wrapped up in your own insecurities and hurt feelings and trust issues towards her. Her telling you that she doesn't want to be told what to do shows clearly that she doesn't understand your trust issues. You both hurt and you need professional help to work through that.

As long as you are both pulling at the same string, you should overcome this with appropriate help. Time will tell....like always! Good luck!
Bigben1
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 12:00 pm
@CalamityJane,
UPDATE!!
Before my wife got home tonight, I was reading reviews about the book 'After the Affair.' I came across a review that totally changed my perspective of everything. The review was short and simple, but really hit home. It said “this book made me realize that I do have options.” I thought about it, and came to the same realization. I have options - this is not going to destroy my life. I won't let it! I'm a good looking man. I have good characteristics - good sense of humor, loving, generous, loyal. I'm smart and I have a good job. Why would I ever allow myself to settle with someone who doesn't love me completely?…I shouldn't!!

I made my wife a nice dinner and when she got home, I told her that I thought we should take some time to reevaluate where we are and where we are going. I told her I wanted her to think about if she really wanted to continue together. I told her that I know that it's what I want, but I don't want her to rush back into something until she is 100% certain about her feelings.

It didn't take her long to tell me that she is certain that she wants to be with me. She said she wants me to be the one that makes her happy, not someone else.

I explained how I felt about myself and that I feel like we both deserve to be with someone who fully loves us.

It began as a difficult conversation, but by the end, we both felt better and we got some of the closeness back.

I can honestly say that I am starting to feel like I'm over this. I feel that she really does love me and it feels great. I've had so much trouble putting my feelings into words, but somehow it just came together for me last night. And I couldn't be happier with the result. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like I have my wife back.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me get through this! I couldn't have done it without your help!

Sincerely,
Big Ben
engineer
 
  4  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 01:23 pm
@Bigben1,
Congrats Ben. Best of luck. Come back sometime and advise others or just participate in the conversations.
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 02:37 pm
@Bigben1,
WOW! What a wonderful ending!!! Congrats and happily ever after.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Thu 15 Jan, 2015 03:38 pm
@Bigben1,
I love to hear that, Ben! Thank you for coming back and telling us, that means a lot to all of us here.

You both have a wonderful life together and good luck to you!
0 Replies
 
Bigben1
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Jan, 2015 07:31 am
@CalamityJane,
Hi Jane,

Thank you again for all of your help working through this. In my last post, I said that I had gotten over this and was ready to move on. However, last night/this morning, I had a bit of a relapse. I'm not sure why, because things have been going so great. But now I'm fixated on something. In the messages that my wife wife was exchanging with the other guy, she said several times that she loves him. I know my wife, and saying "I love you" is not something she says without meaning. So I'm having trouble believing that she can love someone one day, then not love them the next. I feel that I am a good, honest man and I feel that I deserve someone that loves me, only. And I know that's possible, because I only love my wife.

As I mentioned, other than this hiccup, everything has been wonderful. And even this has nothing to do with anything my wife did to prompt it. I just can't control where my mind goes sometimes. I feel like my mind can tell that I'm falling back in love and it wants to remind me of what could happen.

Thanks again for all of your great advice. I am very grateful for finding this forum. It has helped me more than you know.

Sincerely,

Ben
Bigben1
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Jan, 2015 10:16 am
Thank you again for all of your help working through this. In my last post, I said that I had gotten over this and was ready to move on. However, last night/this morning, I had a bit of a relapse. I'm not sure why, because things have been going so great. But now I'm fixated on something. In the messages that my wife wife was exchanging with the other guy, she said several times that she loves him. I know my wife, and saying "I love you" is not something she says without meaning. So I'm having trouble believing that she can love someone one day, then not love them the next. I feel that I am a good, honest man and I feel that I deserve someone that loves me, only. And I know that's possible, because I only love my wife.

As I mentioned, other than this hiccup, everything has been wonderful. And even this has nothing to do with anything my wife did to prompt it. I just can't control where my mind goes sometimes. I feel like my mind can tell that I'm falling back in love and it wants to remind me of what could happen.

Thanks again for all of your great advice. I am very grateful for finding this forum. It has helped me more than you know.

Sincerely,

Ben


URL: http://able2know.org/topic/264080-2#post-5871396
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Jan, 2015 10:21 am
@Bigben1,
When woman says she loves a man it is emotions. All emotions.
I can say 'I love you' and I had done it but it is gone. And I am sitting now wondering where did it go? So I was just emotional and mistaken loving for something else. Do not worry. Good Luck.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Thu 22 Jan, 2015 10:52 am
@Bigben1,
Hi Ben,

I would not put too much emphasis on your wife saying "I love you" to him. Remember, they basically had an online romance where everything was perfect, because it mainly played out in your wife's fantasy. Whose fantasy is not perfect? She was infatuated with him, but infatuation doesn't last long, it's very superficial and once you wake up from it, reality sets in and you see things differently. I am sure that is what your wife is/was experiencing.

It's only normal that you still have doubts here and there, trust has to be rebuild and it doesn't happen overnight. So don't push yourself and accept the fact that you have relapses. The most important thing is that you both are pulling on the same string again and you're both willing to work on your marriage. Everything else will fall in place in time. Time is the best healing ointment there is.

Good luck!
0 Replies
 
 

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