@Olivier5,
Quote:Since my wife and I implemented the rule that there should be formal consent at each and every step in the progression towards penetration, we haven't made love anymore... It pretty much killed the sex drive, mine at least... I don't mind. Guess I was not really that interested...
Quote: Who cooked up this ridiculous idea to ask for conscious, deliberate authorization at every step, again? A Puritan or something?
Why did you and your wife, after more than two decades, decide to implement this "rule"?
That type of consent--"Yes means yes"--with affirmative consent (either verbal or non-verbal), by both partners, for each type of sexual contact, is rather specifically meant for college students because of the types of casual sexual encounters they tend to have--alcohol fueled hook-ups or one night stands--and it's being instituted at colleges to prevent sexual assaults. In that population, it makes a good deal of sense, because it's much clearer whether actual consent is present. It erases grey areas because it requires both partners to communicate what's wanted, or not, and to focus on whether particular types of sexual contacts are wanted by the partner. For instance, the situation described in the OP, where one person is initiating various types of sexual contact, but the other person is totally passive, silent, has her eyes closed, and appears to be "knocked-out", clearly would not meet that affirmative "Yes means yes" standard, and that young man would clearly have no reason to believe he had her consent.
It would be hoped that old married couples have already worked out consent issues between them, and already communicate about sexual issues, so I'm puzzled by why you and your wife would suddenly decide to implement a "rule" really designed for college students to help prevent sexual assault.
Quote:So for over two decades we had the best of sex without saying a word. The moment we started talking about it, all sorts of interesting ideas came into play about equality and not making it for the sake of habit or because ONE of us wants it but not the other... As a result, I used to **** my wife to make her happy, but now I don't bother anymore. Let her ask if she wants it...
Quote:I'm not that eager to get the sex back. One reason is that I was not actually deriving much pleasure from it. It's been boring for quite some time. Sometimes even physically painful for me... So I'm cool without it. If she needs to fool around, let it be. I'll try it too, if I must.
It wasn't finally talking about sexual matters that killed your sex life, the long overdue communication about it exposed the problems that were already there.
If you're experiencing a low sex drive, little pleasure from sex, or physically painful sex, you should be concerned about these matters, and you should discuss them with a doctor as well as with your wife--the cause can be either medical or psychological, either way, you should be concerned about it and try to seek some answers.
Quote:Also she hates admitting her own desires.
Unfortunately, some women are embarrassed about admitting they are fully sexual beings, with all sorts of desires, largely due to their cultural, or sometimes religious, conditioning. I see that as something your wife should be helped to overcome.
It's actually good that you and your wife finally began communicating about your sexual relationship. If you want to improve things in that department, you should discuss your lack of libido and experience of pain with your physician, because it may well indicate a medical problem. And you and your wife might benefit from consulting a sex therapist who might help you to enjoy a sex life that is mutually satisfying to both of you.
