Was I Raped?

I think it is quite alright! My husband would be shocked and dismayed if I didn't . Some women are taught differently...nobody taught me anything so...

Although your sexual interaction with your wife was based on "pretending" it was still an apparently consensual situation.

The "Yes means yes" sexual consensual standards now being initiated on many campuses wouldn't affect couples playing games with each other, as long as the sexual contacts were mutually consensual and wanted by both parties, and agreed to beforehand--that's the "Yes". If a female student says "No" she may well mean it, and her partner must assume she does mean it, unless she has made it clear beforehand she wants to act out a rape fantasy, where she "yields to his desires" and he's agreed to it.

What's wrong is that you're trying to judge the "Yes means yes" campus sexual consent policies, initiated for college students, in terms of their effect on your decades old marriage. The need to be very clear about consent is crucial in helping to prevent sexual assault on our campuses. It cannot include the kind of total pretense you and your wife engaged in, for decades, without ever explicitly discussing it--consent between college students must be as clear as possible to help prevent sexual assaults.

I'm still puzzled about why you even introduced the problems in your decades old marriage to criticize college campus consent policies designed to reduce sexual assault. Your complaints about those policies are misguided. Simply because more open and honest communication with your wife of 20+ years put a damper on your sex life, does not mean those college policies do not make sense, in that particular environment, to help reduce sexual assaults.

As I've said before, I think you and your wife would benefit from seeing a marriage counselor or a sex therapist, to help improve the situation between the two of you, both in and out of the bedroom. I do hope the situation in your marriage can be improved, for both your sakes.

You didn't say possible sexual dysfunction.

Meantime, I've been with fellows who lost it, and both times there was another lover. Indicative of, uh, not-thereness.

Dysfunction has many mothers.

Good for you and your husband. We need more women like you, especially if we want that rule of positively approving of sex before any intercourse to work.

Most approve..from my experience .

This is embarrassing.... Thanks for your kind understanding though.

You are evidently right that lack of desire for Mr or Ms X is not a dysfunction. Otherwise, women who have no desire to have sex with a certain Mr X or Y would be dysfunctional... Let's try and be consistent.

Let me recommend the flic title that I included in my post point -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garlic_Is_as_Good_as_Ten_Mothers

That'll either do you both in, or improve things.

Don't tempt me... :-)

Maybe that's where the legend of garlic's power against vampires come from...

Into what? The typical I'm no so sure I want my wife anymore in middle life? Been through it...it hurts like hell. Glad we've gotten through it though ....

I don't remember that from the movie/short.

I know sometimes women are told that men like the chase and if they give in easily, the men will become bored. It is true of many guys. Many guys are down right threatened when a woman is aggressive in that sense. There are men who are turned off if a woman initiates. Everyone is different. I think it's unavoidable for a couple to be in a rut once in a while. Things don't change overnight. Introduce things a bit at a time. :-)

We'll make it alright. This discussion was useful for me to realize what I am looking for from her: a little more assertiveness in bed. I'm just tired of this "false prude playing damsel in distress" routine. I want my slut back... ;-)

The thing is you did things as a couple in a particular way for many years. If things weren't introduced gradually, and you express you are bored, it can come across like this:
Her: he's tired of me. He's been fine with all this until now.
Him: I need a change. Things have gotten stale...I want to feel I can inspire passion.
To resolve this try new activities in and out of the bedroom....And-- not just romantic things.

Be playful, tease her...she will be more assertive if she feels sexy. It takes two...
Hint: shock her a little. Grab her bottom while on an outing and tell her how good it looks to you. The greatest aphrodisiac is feeling sexy. Believe me--you'll get a return.

Don't you worry about us. You guys have been useful, thanks. Let's move on to somebody else's sex life...

Sorry. I got carried away . I tend to be on the opinionated side.

Opinionated is good...

Wow, so much bad advice - especially bad legal advice - packed into such a comparatively short thread. I don't know where to begin, so I'll start at the beginning. Whether Cupcupcake was raped or not is really beside the point: if she's not willing to press charges, then the issue is moot. I can understand why everyone focused on that question - seeing as how the thread is titled "Was I Raped?" - but I think the proper response to that question is: "if you don't care, why should we?"

The better question to address (and in relationship threads like this, it's usually the subtext that's more important than the text) is why Cupcupcake distrusts her boyfriend so much that she needs to see "how far he'd take it" with a woman who was, as far as he knew, passed out drunk. Is this something he has done before? Is it something you suspect he has done with other women? Do you think it reveals some sinister aspect of his character? Framing this as a question of "was it rape or wasn't it?" simply masks the underlying issues and makes it harder to address them. You don't want to know if your boyfriend is a rapist, you want to know if he is the kind of guy who would take advantage of you - or worse - when you're vulnerable. And the answer to that question is: "maybe."

In closing, I'll add my standard piece of advice to those who make bad decisions when they're drunk, and then turn to the A2K community to find out why bad things happened to them as a result. If you find that you are making bad decisions when drunk and then suffering the consequences of those bad decisions, you might, in a sober moment, want to consider reevaluating your drinking habits.

I think that's the best appraisal of the OP that's been given, and the best response to cupcupcake.