Eliusa
 
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 10:27 am
2 people married 20+ years fell in love. None knew that the other have the same feelings. Then something was sad and life is a thriller since then.
All we let ourselves to do is texting.
We are also in a business together so there is no way out.
We both love our families and having no affair. However isn't it cheating anyway? And please, tell me how these situations are normally ending?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 9 • Views: 11,951 • Replies: 212

 
CoastalRat
 
  3  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 12:11 pm
@Eliusa,
I guess technically you are not cheating physically on your spouses. But there is such a thing as cheating emotionally. You are walking on the edge with the constant texting to each other. You are allowing yourself to become emotionally attached to a man to whom you have no right to be emotionally attached. Here is an idea. Stop the texting and put your effort into rekindling the spark with your husband.

Quote:
We are also in a business together so there is no way out.
Sure there is a way out. When the day is over, cease all contact with him. During business hours, you discuss business and not your personal lives or feelings. When you go home, enjoy being with him and don't go to texting this other guy. That is your way out.

Quote:
tell me how these situations are normally ending?
Usually not very well unless you do as I suggested above and stop the extra contact with this guy.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 12:16 pm
@CoastalRat,
We sent a few texts and not every day because we SEE each other for business 3-4 times per week.
He only texts me to ask if I am allright. Because we both are a mess. It had been 5 years of hidden feelings. And now it is like a disaster...

My husband is my friend and we are like brother and sister. He is goofy and I was loving it while ago. Now when he is 56 it is driving me up a wall. And I tell him. But it is his nature. And well...there is no sex for years, we are together 24/7 because we have own business. Well, except those hours when I go see my flame and he does what he needs to do - like a few hours every other day.

I am sitting with a knot in my throat and chill over my body and waiting for someone to tell me...anything.

thannks
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 12:39 pm
@Eliusa,
Nobody aged 50 is the same person as they were 20 years ago. The concept of "cheating" usually ignores that fact. However, the adage "that it is unwise to mix business with pleasure" is based on the statistical outcome of situations such as yours.
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 12:49 pm
@Eliusa,
It is funny, but if you look at other posts such as yours, every married person who writes about having an affair or wanting to have an affair writes that they have not had sex in years with their spouse. As if that is an excuse that makes having an affair ok.

Here is a brilliant idea (and I won't even charge you for the idea.) Try fixing things with your husband. There may be reasons you have not had sex in years (if you are being truthful about that, which I have my doubts.) Maybe there is a medical issue that is keeping him from wanting to be intimate with you. Maybe you are not showing any interest in wanting to be intimate with him and he is picking up on that and showing no interest back. Who knows? But stop trying to justify your apparent desire for an affair with the lack of sex for years at home. It does not fly. At least not with me.

Quote:
Well, except those hours when I go see my flame
I thought you only see him at work a few times each week. This seems to say to go see him every day. Look, if you want to screw the socks off this guy, go ahead. I don't care and neither does anyone else. It is your life. Ignore my advice, keep doing what you are doing and eventually destroy two families. Keep in mind, if he is willing to cheat with you, then I can guarantee he will be willing to cheat on you.

Quote:
I am sitting with a knot in my throat and chill over my body and waiting for someone to tell me...anything.
I have. Now it is up to you whether you take my advice or ignore it. Your choice.

Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 12:51 pm
@fresco,
I am looking for someone who dealt with this and found out how to get rid of these feelings. How to make it stop. Is there way we can control our emotions?
If so please, share. I do not want anyone to be hurt. I have lost 12lb in a month so far (which is a good thing) and I do not want to end up in a mental facility.
Thanks for attention
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 12:55 pm
@Eliusa,
Maybe try to find some other kind of employment.

Yeah, I know it's not easy. But that's what happens when this sort of thing occurs - it's hormones overruling practicality.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 12:56 pm
@CoastalRat,
I appreciate your comments. I know I am wrong but I am not a liar. I did not wanted to go into
sexless marriage' details but I had to for you to understand that I am too want to be happy! I am almost 50 ...However not by the price it will take.

I am only asking if anyone dealt with same thing and overcame. How?
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 12:57 pm
@jespah,
I am doubling on my Xanax. It helps somewhat. But isn't there anything else?

And finding another employment might mean that it is easier to start an affair.
At least now I am under supervision all the time...
Eliusa
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 01:07 pm
@CoastalRat,
I just want to clarify. I am writing fast and sometimes it is messy.
I do see him 3 times per week. Not every day.
My husband doesn't listen to me when I express my needs and wants, he is playing deaf. He is having low sex drive and thinks that telling me how beautiful I am is a sex substitute.

And I also thought about what you said;
every married person who writes about having an affair or wanting to have an affair writes that they have not had sex in years with their spouse.

Have you ever thought maybe this is why we all here writing out our shameful stories? Because we can't get our spouses to listen to us? And not the other way around that we are looking for an excuse to have an affair? Just think...

And no, if I wanted to have an affair I could have done it 20 times in 20 years. But it fell and hit me as a brick. I am fighting, trust me.

jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 01:08 pm
@Eliusa,
I'm mainly suggesting it in order to get out of your current situation, where you see this guy all the time. See, that's the thing. Consider this. Let's say you go ahead, etc. A full-blown, sexual affair, yadda yadda yadda.

If it goes sour, either with your affair partner leaving you, or your husband doing so, then the business will collapse and you will be looking for work anyway. And by the way, the affair lasting until your death is not a likely scenario. Something will give, at some point in time. It's not an if; it's a when.

Seeing as you're on Xanax, I assume you've got a doctor who prescribed it. Why not talk to him or her about what's going on, and ask for some talk therapy in addition to your medication?

Why counseling? Because you'll be able to get to the root of your problem (or you can certainly give it the old college try) before you start doing things you're going to really regret.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 01:15 pm
@Eliusa,
Ok, even if you are not lying about not having sex with your husband for years, why have you not been trying to fix that for all these years? You focus on my doubts about your statement, but you seem to choose to ignore my suggestion that you work WITH your husband to find out why you two have not been intimate for years. So I will repeat that maybe there is a medical reason he has shown no desire. Maybe you have shown no desire toward him. Do you still make yourself look nice for him? Have you even tried being a bit loving toward him? (I'm not trying to put blame on you only, just saying that since you are the one complaining about a lack of sex, maybe you should be more proactive in trying to get him to drag you into the bedroom. Know what I'm saying?) Or are you too busy texting this other MARRIED guy to care about your husband any longer?

Quote:
I am too want to be happy!
And you deserve to be happy. But not at the expense of this other man's family. If you continue the direction you obviously seem to want to take, you will only hurt them. YOU will be the other woman.

And one last time, let me say this again because maybe you missed it earlier. I will even put it in caps to make sure you do not miss it.

IF HE IS WILLING TO CHEAT ON HIS WIFE WITH YOU, HE WILL BE WILLING TO CHEAT ON YOU. Keep this in mind.

Quote:
I am only asking if anyone dealt with same thing and overcame. How?
I think I told you how. But I will again repeat myself. STOP texting this other guy. STOP thinking about him and START thinking about ways to rekindle a sexual relationship with your husband. Tell loverboy to stop texting you unless it is business related. If he does, ignore the text.
PUNKEY
 
  4  
Reply Tue 15 Jul, 2014 01:17 pm
Tell your husband you are very unhappy and you are being tempted by another man. No need to mention names.

Tell him to start being a husband to you or you will leave him.

Then do that. Maybe this new guy is not right for the future, but don't stay in a loveless marriage. Be on your own for a while and make a wiser choice.

You are too young to suffer in a bad marriage. Better to be alone.

This affair is making you sick. You must stop it at once and get control of your own life.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2014 09:19 am
@PUNKEY,
You will be surprised at what I am about to say.
I did tell my husband. In a laughing way. And we had some talk. He insisting he does what I tell him to do and he sees nothing wrong in our relationships.
Like I said we are good friends and we got comfy and cozy with our life together and our work is so hard that sex life kind of died but I was always too tired to care especially when no one insisting too hard. Occasional bj to make him happy and make him not to baby talk to me while sex...we were trying to survive and keep our house and child in college...

I had not been involved in anything sinful yet however I am feeling happy, my back doesn't hurt anymore, I am feeling butterflies and I want to say that if other man is not a cheater. We are just in love. Is it sin?
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2014 09:29 am
@CoastalRat,
Good speed to ALL who have feeling control.
How can you say 'stop' to your feelings?

You know what? A few month ago I was an old married for 20 years broad who looked at all people in love like if they were nuts. I was very sarcastic and would write exactly what you wrote to me one in one! I was tough on crazy irresponsible sex having people just because I was like a mummy.

I am happy today! I was very sad yesterday. And he is not even texting but I know he loves me. And he is most gorgeous man who can have anybody from 18 but he loves ME!

I doubt I will ever cheat with him but I will not let those butterflies go away anymore. I am 12lb lighter and I am smiling and crying and I wouldn't miss it for a world.

Again...I would shoot myself a few month ago if anyone told me it is possible. I am dying to know what is your life story. Thanks
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2014 09:39 am
@Eliusa,
Quote:
I am dying to know what is your life story.
When I write a book about my life, please be sure to buy it and learn all you want about my life story. Until then, since I have no need to ask strangers for advice, I will keep most of it to myself.

But just to satisfy your curiosity until I publish my life story, I will just say that I am happily married (32 years and counting) to my best friend. And through all our ups and downs, (including times when our sexual relationship waned a bit, which I think happens to nearly all couples as they age) I never once thought how nice it would be to sleep with someone else. Nobody comes between my wife and I. Anyone trying is quickly cut out of my life. It is called loving and respecting your spouse. You should try it sometime. It might give you the power to stop fantasizing about this other guy and concentrate on your relationship with your husband.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2014 09:50 am
@CoastalRat,
OMG! You are a guy! How can you possibly know what women feeling? And HOW do you possibly know your wife is 100% faithful and not fantasizing about another man? My husband have no clue.
And your urge to tell WOMEN how to love makes me very leery about you. Period. It is kind of...not normal. I see you telling everyone off as if you were saint. Usually saints have more skeletons in their closets than us sinners.
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2014 10:17 am
@Eliusa,
OMG! You are right! I just checked and I AM a guy!

Quote:
How can you possibly know what women feeling?
Feelings are kinda universal among all people. Women are not the only ones who have feelings.

Quote:
And HOW do you possibly know your wife is 100% faithful
It is called love. And trust. Both born from a shared life together and a promise we made to each other to be faithful.

Quote:
My husband have no clue.
I would not bet on that.

Quote:
And your urge to tell WOMEN how to love makes me very leery about you
I have no urge to tell WOMEN (why did you capitalize it?) anything. You asked for help on an open forum, I was kind enough to give you my opinion. I could just as easily ignored your post just as I ignore others I don't feel like answering. But I chose to enlighten you with my thoughts on your situation. Why would that make you leery of me?

Quote:
It is kind of...not normal
How so? I'm curious. Please explain how it is not normal?

Quote:
I see you telling everyone off as if you were saint.
First, I have never told anyone off. I've given my opinion, which was asked for, but I don't tell people off. Second, I am a saint. But I forgive you for not realizing it because you really don't know me.

Quote:
Usually saints have more skeletons in their closets than us sinners.
It has been my experience that we all have skeletons in our closet in mostly equal measure, regardless of whether we are saints or sinners. Not sure what this would have to do with my ability or my qualifications for dispensing advice to you when you post on A2K. Maybe you can enlighten me upon that at the same time you explain the not normal statement.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2014 10:43 am
@CoastalRat,
LOL, I haven't laughed like that for a while...thanks
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2014 10:54 am
@Eliusa,
You are welcome. Anytime you wish to laugh, I'm the guy. A little laughter makes all our troubles seem a bit less stressful. I hope you have a wonderful day. Say hello to your loving husband for me. (Ok, maybe that is asking a bit too much. lol)

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