newstep
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Jul, 2014 02:07 pm
@Eliusa,
Hey I hope to find what you're hoping for. Been married 22 years and the azz hole discards me.. He consumed the contents and can now throw the wrapper away. I wish I had been as strong as you from the get go.nnthey gaslight you and trash you even if you've been faithful all a
Long. Jaded you say? These I spent my entire life proving a jerk I loved him...he cheated on me LOL. Idiots set ok with this.
0 Replies
 
firefly
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Jul, 2014 01:58 pm
@Eliusa,
Quote:
All I want to do is have that talk with my flame he is asking for. I am dying to know what is that he wants to say. Maybe he just wants to say we need to be friends or whatever...Is it a bad idea?


Is it a bad idea? Eliusa, it's a terrible idea, because, face it, you don't want to hear him just say, "We need to just be friends." I don't think you're being fully honest.

If that's all he has to say, why couldn't he just text you that? Or say it to you in some private corner when he sees you at work? Does he really need a private meeting with you, even in a public place outside of work, just to tell you he wants the relationship not to move beyond where it's currently at?

His wanting to have that "talk" with you, and you wanting to have it too, will move the relationship beyond where it's at, and, honestly, that seems like an awful idea, and one you're not thinking through very realistically. If you don't wind up damaging your own marriage, this can wind up damaging his, and unless you are both prepared for that, you should let well enough be. And since you and your husband and this man all work in the same business, that area of your life can be disrupted and damaged as well if this relationship moves any further.

I know what you're feeling, and the life transforming effect such feelings can have--that flame has made you feel more alive again, younger, more desirable, life has become more thrilling, exciting, less predictable, there's something to look forward to and fantasize about--it's like beautiful warm sunlight has suddenly flooded into a dim dank room whose windows have been boarded up. It's a wonderful feeling. Just enjoy it, but don't act on it.

Do you really want to risk your marriage over what, right now, is just a crush/infatuation/chemical reaction for this person? It's not love, it's more like what you feel when that gorgeous boy in high school or college, you've had your eye on for years, suddenly smiles at you, and lets you know he's interested. Don't you remember those butterflies, how different the world suddenly looked when you saw him or thought about him? But, flash forward 30 or 35 years, when you're not free to get involved with the person who arouses those great feelings, and accepting a coffee date to just have "a talk" can wind up destroying a marriage you've taken 20 years to build, and hurting a husband you seem to like, over something that can turn out to be much worse than a disappointing date in high school.

I'm not thinking about your situation in terms of sin or morality, or even cheating. I'm not sure you should either. I think you've got to figure out what you want, really want, for the long-term, and get your priorities straight. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and whatever you plan on gambling, you've got to be prepared to lose, and right now you are risking a great deal, and you might not ever get it back. Flames are nice, they can be beautiful to look at, but when you play with fire, you can get seriously burned.

Why haven't you addressed the sexual problems in your marriage before this? That's really what you should be doing and should have been doing----and not just with your husband, but with a doctor. You describe a very good marriage, except for the lack of sex, and apparently in the past, you and your husband did have a more satisfying sexual relationship, so something changed. There are many reasons for diminished libido and sexual dysfunction, particularly in middle-aged men, and you and your husband have to first start by eliminating those that could be due to medical conditions or medications. Then you need to discuss with a doctor whether hubby is an appropriate candidate for erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra or Cialis. And you should also consider a few sessions with a sex therapist for suggestions on how to address the problem in a non-medication approach.

Obviously, your husband has to be willing and cooperative to do all of the above, and I think you have to be firm with him that he's got to do it, if he really cares about you and your marriage. If he refuses, tell him the two of you must see a marriage counselor because there is a problem in the marriage he doesn't want to address. If he refuses that too, go see a therapist on your own, and work out in your own mind if divorce is your best option, or whether you can live in a sexless marriage and satisfy yourself with vibrators or in other ways, including extra-marital liasons.

But, if you have any interest in saving a basically good marriage, and any interest in your husband's health and well being, you'll insist he go to a doctor with you to address the sexual problems. And that should be your first order of business rather than having that "talk" with flame-man.

And knock off the Xanax you are taking, you're playing with fire with that too--it's a very addictive drug, and, because withdrawal symptoms are similar to anxiety, people often start increasing their dose and the addiction creeps up on them insidiously. If you can't contain your anxiety about your current situation, without using Xanax, you go see a therapist now before you wind up with even more problems.

My advice is to get your husband to a doctor, maybe yourself to a therapist, and just enjoy the positive feelings that flame is giving you without moving that relationship forward even a micro-inch beyond where it's at now, and don't let flame-man move it forward either. At the moment, it's still all in the realm of safe fantasy--for both of you. Fantasies are great. They are under your control, if you want them to be, and are harmless, and they're not going to disappoint you or upend your life--right now, enjoy the fantasy, and leave it at the level of fantasy. And consider buying and using a vibrator until the sexual frustrations in your marital life get worked out.

And, forget about sin or cheating, and just think all of this through rationally, or as rationally as you can.



Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jul, 2014 10:50 am
@firefly,
WOW! You are great. Thanks. That is because we talked quickly and discovered that our feelings started 5 years ago. Now I have to sort things out for me.
Xanax is my prescription. 1/2 mg per day for years. So I don't know about addictive, its just helps me to have it better.
Hubby is continuing to laugh at me about wanting sex like 'are you having a menopause? why are you like a girl?' and that is it. I told him - 'you will regret it'...
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jul, 2014 05:50 pm
@Eliusa,
He clearly doesn't understand how you feel..?I hope you've tried to seriously convey how you feel. You sound hurt...anybody would feel offended. But you never know--he may feel inadequate and incapable of satisfying you.he may tell himself it's gotta be menopause to not face his feelings.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2014 08:48 am
@Germlat,
My husband became a very home loving man. His dinner and movie is sacret to him. Remember I was offering a bj and he said later? I was laughing my ass off! Like I said we are friends and I can even tell him I have a crush on another man. We will laugh about it and that's it. However he is always touchy and loving and like I said we are together 24/7 so there is no chance he is doing someone else. I think he is just dinner and movie type of guy? I don't know.

Even when we were intimate 10 y/ago I've noticed he is becoming lazy and seemed like he was doing me a favor and wanted IT to be over with asap.
So I got kind of like WTF? Who needs this floppy hands and lips and all?
So I had decided I am ok with having none being so tired at work and having no strength to deal with 'dealing with bad sex'. This is how its all went down.
And I thought I am done due to my age.
But to be honest I was asking myself is this it and I will never feel the passion?
Someone somewhere heard me and now I am feeling it 24/7!
Whoo-Hoo!
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2014 11:03 am
@Eliusa,
I think things we're let go for too long. You felt discouraged to not be able to get him to understand your position. Maybe he did and didn't care. I don't know. I would've taken him for counseling and told him I didn't feel happy, things would have to change or things would be to be over. Telling something in a playful, joking manner doesn't work.
WHY did you stay? Are you ok with someone else loving him? For him to find exhilarating passion with another? Could he be bored as well? Or are you trying to punish him for taking you for granted? No matter how flat you make a pancake ....there are always two sides.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2014 01:11 pm
@Germlat,
No, I am not punishing him. I just accidentally fell in love!
My life that I had was not bad. Do you know how many sexless marriages out there and husbands are ass holes? Mine is ok. I am not leaving him. Too much to lose, nothing to gain. We have a 20 y/old child who thinks our marriage is perfect not like other parents who hate each other. So we are visibly happy family except Mom went NUTS!

We had a talk with flame and we had decided to wait until our time will come.
Whatever it is. Because he has the same exactly situation with kids and stuff.
We are going to see each other for business and enjoy each other's company as we did for all these years. I had insisted and he said fine, I had waited so I can wait some more. I think until my nerves break down:))
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2014 01:26 pm
@Eliusa,
I'm not saying punishing on a conscious level...kind of in a "I tried and gave up." Level. But, it's i there's something interesting you say you ..." Til my nerves give up". Obviously a struggle is going on. What wouldn't happen if your husband had someone giving him butterflies? Someone who didn't find him boring. I suggest counseling...obviously you both are hanging on...and a 20 year-old kid is not the reason.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Jul, 2014 09:07 am
@Germlat,
See, my husband is not boring. He is a great man whom I can't hurt. And yes, my husband and child are the reason I hadn't jumped his bones yet.
Same with my flame. He is less worried about what is going to happen but he understands my concern completely because he is also crazy about his kids and don't want to hurt anyone.

I had missed 2 business meetings but it is not helping. I think about him ALL THE TIME! I talk to him and I am going to lose it...eventually.

I don't know how I would feel if my husband would like someone because I am now preoccupied and consumed by my passion. At this point I don't care. I said he is like a brother to me. And it is not my fault.

Germlat,
I appreciate you sticking with me and I can talk to you.
I know there is no solution to this issue however I was looking for way to overcome my butterflies and knot in my stomach. Have anyone ever had done it? Or it is just that - going to stay?
Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Fri 25 Jul, 2014 01:30 pm
@Eliusa,
Well..what if your husband felt that way about someone else? Would that be a relief to you? What if he felt you were just going thru the motions and felt there was something fake there? Maybe he also feels the need for passion. There is a solution to your issue... But , it may not be the solution you want. I've had men tell me about their wives and how passionless they where...without solicitation...I just knew there where throwing a hook out there. They didn't care if I'd bite...they knew someone would.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 08:17 am
@Germlat,
Well..what if your husband felt that way about someone else? Would that be a relief to you?
Probably not. I would be very confused because as far as I know he loves me. However I became a furniture that is cozy and comfy. If he felt passionate about someone else why not me?

What if he felt you were just going thru the motions and felt there was something fake there? Maybe he also feels the need for passion.
Like when I offer bj and he says later? Have you ever heard that? Yesterday he told me he is tired and he IS but wouldn't you (being a man) become concern about your wife 'losing it' and call your doctor? I said 'can I call your doctor for viagra'? He said ok...staring at TV.

There is a solution to your issue... But , it may not be the solution you want. I've had men tell me about their wives and how passionless they where...without solicitation...I just knew there where throwing a hook out there. They didn't care if I'd bite...they knew someone would.
Sorry, I didn't get that part. If you can be more specific. Thanks
firefly
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 11:05 am
@Eliusa,
Quote:
Yesterday he told me he is tired and he IS but wouldn't you (being a man) become concern about your wife 'losing it' and call your doctor? I said 'can I call your doctor for viagra'? He said ok...staring at TV.

Viagra might help him maintain an erection, but it won't increase his libido or desire to have sex.

How come you're not more concerned about your husband's health and why he's having so little interest in sex, beside his problems with erectile dysfunction? These things can indicate various medical problems, or low testosterone, and that's why you have to go with him to a doctor to address what might be causing his problems. I can't imagine a responsible doctor just prescribing Viagra for him without first trying to find out what might be causing his difficulties and trying to treat any underlying problems.

Instead of trying to threaten him with your interest in other men, tell him you are concerned about his general health and why he is so tired all the time, and why he has a lack of interest in sex, and insist he go with you to a doctor because you are worried about him. And you should be worried about him, because he's obviously experiencing some problems that may have a medical cause. If you really love him, you should be concerned about more than just your sexual satisfaction. It's your concern for his overall heath and well being you've got to communicate to him to help get him to a doctor--and then make an appointment and go with him, not to get a Viagra prescription, but to have him fully evaluated and have all of his symptoms checked out, including his fatigue and low libido.

You really don't want to try to control your interest in the other man, you like the excitement he is bringing to your life, and you will wind up sleeping with him. Get your husband to a doctor anyway.



Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 11:11 am
@Eliusa,
Sweetie... Maybe a BJ is not good enough...he knows you and wants the real thing. Funny thing is when it comes to new adventures...people don't know the other person. They assume based on exhilarating feelings. How tragic. You have the real thing and don't know it.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 11:18 am
@firefly,
OMG! Person is HAPPY with the way things ARE because I wasn't asking for sex before. I wasn't interested because frankly I don't really like they way he is 'performing' anymore. I said it before like he can't wait to end it and go back to TV and dinner.

He is seeing a doctor regularly! He is a healthy man. He had had a heart attack 7 years ago but so far his cardiologist said he needs to lose weight - otherwise he is OK!
It is not a sad story about poor guy who is not healthy!
It is a story of a wife who hadn't been fucked for almost 10 years (5 years properly)! Why don't you get it? Am I unique in my problem?

To my husband everything always being a haha matter. I do value it because he kept me from going worry insane sometimes in our life.
He never takes things seriously. I liked that in man when we were younger.
Positive outlook!
But when I tell him to not baby-talk me during sex he doesn't listen and I want to throw up! Here. Whats now?
And no, I am not getting a divorce. Forget about it.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 11:23 am
@Germlat,
It used to be very good and I wouldn't offer it freely unless begged for.
Now I am offering not because I am missing something in my mouth but because I am worry for his prostate and with his inability for intercourse I am just giving him massage to keep him satisfied once in a while.
Like wiping baby's ass. 'here we go'...

And what real thing I have that you are talking about?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 11:27 am
@Eliusa,
Eliusa wrote:

And no, I am not getting a divorce. Forget about it.


you don't think both you and your husband deserve to be in relationships that are good?
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 11:32 am
@ehBeth,
Yeah. Like at 50 there are legion of people waiting for us just become single and VOILA!
Seriously!

I am not sure where you all guys came from but my situation is not unique.
There are tons of people living just back to back and not 'doing' it.
I was. 3 month ago I was just walking around saying 'G-d, isn't there anything in my life for my heart anymore? Am I going to die remembering last sex at 45?' And there he was. Man of my passion!
Now I am wondering what for?
Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 02:11 pm
@Eliusa,
Actually...there are tons of middle-aged people willing to engage in healthy relationships. In the U.S. Middle-aged are the group that mostly divorces. I'm sorry you feel empty in your relationship with your spouse. I think you are cheating both you and him of something great. So he's a joker...do you know there are people that would rather laugh than cry. I bet he's hurting. I bet he knows that he was no longer sexually interesting to you...so he quit. There are two sides to the pancake. I've seen so many replaced by new "passions" which disappear quickly after the pheromones wear out. I'm not judging you...watch out. You could change things around but it takes effort. All good relationships take work. I have known many to throw a good thing out for a tickle in the pants. Maybe you're going through a mid-life crisis and just want to know if you still have it.
0 Replies
 
firefly
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 02:50 pm
@Eliusa,
Quote:
He is seeing a doctor regularly! He is a healthy man. He had had a heart attack 7 years ago but so far his cardiologist said he needs to lose weight - otherwise he is OK!

Does the cardiologist know he is always tired, has little sex drive, and problems with maintaining an erection? The doctor can't address symptoms he doesn't know about.

Quote:
"Over the years it's become apparent that erectile dysfunction is an indication of decreased vascular health in men, and it's considered by many to be a significant cardiovascular risk factor," agreed Jeffrey Kuvin, MD, of Tufts Medical Center in Boston and vice-chair of the program committee for the ACC conference.


Is your husband on a statin drug, or medication to lower blood pressure, or any other type of medication? Many drugs, even some types of diuretics, can interfere with a man's sexual functioning.

The male body relies primarily on androgens, like testosterone, for sexual desire--if testosterone is low, libido may be low.

Statins May Lower Testosterone, Libido

Men With Erectile Dysfunction on Statin Therapy Are Twice as Likely to Have Low Testosterone, Study Finds
http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/news/20100416/statins_may_lower_testosterone_libido

Quote:
It is a story of a wife who hadn't been fucked for almost 10 years (5 years properly)! Why don't you get it? Am I unique in my problem?
.
I do get it. And you're not unique in your problem. But the problem seems to have gotten worse after your husband's heart attack, and it may be related to medication he's on for cardiovascular problems, or to other medications he might be taking, or to other medical problems, or even to psychological issues. While you'd like him to f--k you properly, he may not be physically capable of doing that, for one reason or another.

Many men are embarrassed to discuss their sexual problems, or lack of sexual desire, with their doctor, so the problems never get addressed, or properly evaluated, or treated. If your husband doesn't want to have a serious conversation with you about these things, what makes you think he's mentioned them to his doctor? That's why you should go with him to the doctor, to make sure they do get mentioned.
Quote:
And no, I am not getting a divorce. Forget about it.

I'm not suggesting you divorce him. I'm only suggesting you get him to a doctor, specifically to discuss his low sex drive, and erectile problems, and tiredness, and go along with him to make sure those things get discussed and taken seriously. They may all be signs that he's not so healthy, or that he's on medications that need to be changed or adjusted.

And, if you want to remain married to him, you need to get him some outside help with the sexual problems he's trying not to deal with, otherwise nothing will change, and, if you turn to other men, even one other man, that could wind up destroying your marriage.


0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jul, 2014 02:56 pm
@Eliusa,
I think that if you are not interested in your husband, he deserves to be set free to find someone who does want to be with him.

I think you deserve the same thing.

There are plenty of remarriages in the fifty-plus crowd. It happens every now and then at the retirement home my dad lives at right now - one couple is preparing to move out together right now.
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
  1. Forums
  2. » 50 in love
  3. » Page 3
Copyright © 2021 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.06 seconds on 06/17/2021 at 11:32:18