Does my husband have a porn addiction?

aaatx8, so you intend on just finding a younger woman who wants sex all the time and then leave her when she doesn't want to have sex so you can find another young woman who wants sex all the time?

Not necessarily younger women
Bella Dea-
Thanks for the reply. I assume you are female.
My preference would be for my wife to become interested in sex again. Not necessarily at the level of 10 years ago, but at some level. What is a man supposed to do when his wife will not seek medication or other help to regain her libido?

By the way, younger isn't better. I would take a hot 45 -50 year old rather than a 30 year old. I wish women could get as excited about a husband as they do shopping, or baking Christmas goodies. I almost left in December when I was banned from the kitchen.

So what do you recommend?

__________________________________
aaatx8, so you intend on just finding a younger woman who wants sex all the time and then leave her when she doesn't want to have sex so you can find another young woman who wants sex all the time?

Re: Not necessarily younger women
What do I recommend? Well, I think you need to address this with your wife. It doesn't sound to me that you love her very much, because if you did, you would not be considering leaving her. What if she were paralyzed with no hope of recovery and no sex ever again? You'd leave her right away? That is cruel and she is better off with out you.

I think you need to be honest and upfront with her. Maybe she is feeling like I do about the situation and is saying to herself, "He doesn't even love me enough to stay married to me without sex." Have you considered that possibility? If that is the case, and you really are going to leave her if there is no sex, you need to tell her that and go so she can move on with her life.

No woman needs a man who makes her feel like she is only worthy if she sexually pleases him and no man needs a woman who can't satisfy him.

Sexless
I have addressed it with her. She is not paralyzed, she has lost her desire. There are methods to get it back she will not try. Honesty is highly overrated.
No I will not stay married to anyone without sex if they have the ability to have sex. Faithful is good if there is action at home. No action, you have to make a decision. The dishonest thing to do would be to screw around and stay married. A lifeless, sexless marriage is not my cup of tea.

Re: Sexless


How do you know that? Do you know the reasons for her lack of drive?

You can't know what is causing it.

And you didn't answer my question. Would you stay with her if you thought it wasn't a choice she was making to not have sex?



So leave. There isn't an advice to give someone who's already made up their mind.

OK

It just looks like your husband is looking for something a little bit
more interesting than the usual meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
This in no way means that you are boring meatloaf and
mashed potatoes...but you both may have allowed your sex life
to get to a point where it is kind of " old and boring". Maybe you
both have stopped experimenting/stopped trying anything new.
If your husband is keeping his porn life a secret, I guess the big
question is WHY. And the person to ask is HIM. In my humble
opinion/experience - keeping secrets is never very healthy between
partners. Example; if you found yourself sexually attracted to a
person at work, for example ... keeping these feelings to yourself is
a certain way to magnify and heighten them. Sharing your feelings
and talking about what it is that you are really, truly attracted
to often brings out some of the most simple things.
For example I found that my partner very much needs to feel needed
and consequently is often sexually attracted to very needy people.
I often fail to ask for help when I need it. Am overly self sufficient
at times. So, I now see it as part of my job in our relationship
to help make my partner feel needed. It is very important
for my partner, so I make it a priority for me. Trying to make your husband
choose between his porn life and you without even talking
about it or knowing what it is that he is looking for - sounds just a
little bit hyper. First, get your own insecurities under control,
remember you are a sexual being too, talk it over with him, and I bet
you find out that there is something your husband wants from you,
but is too afraid/embarrassed/ashamed to ask for.
We poor, pitiful Americans have been raised with so much
negative garbage about sexuality that it is a miracle we are
able to mate at all.

This is more complicated then it seems
Ok there are a lot of things I would like to try to introduce to this thread. The first has to do with the biochemical heritages that serve as common misconceptions to partners.

So there was a poster talking about woman and their daughters and their daughters' daughters being used for sex. The "men use woman for sex" attitude can be very misunderstood. Men have a biological instinct to ejaculate. Whether a man can acknowledge it or not, deep down in the non-controllable part of his brain, his instinct tells him he should ejaculate. Men's brains are different then womans in that they are physically inclined to focus on 1 (ONE SINGLE) task at a time. Yes there have been hundreds of years of evolution and we are far more complex then our early predecessors, but it still comes down to "I'm excited... I need to ejaculate" on a basic, primiative level. THAT is the 100% factual reasoning behind "men using woman for sex." Sex can become instinctive, and that can be the difference between "making love" and "sex." Someone feel free to interject regarding a woman's perspective or tendency during sex/making love. I do discuss it a few paragraphs later.

That aside, it is very difficult for one sex to understand the thinking of the opposite sex (which is the reason communication is crucial in relationships). This whole matter of porn addiction, then men neglecting their wifes to mastribate, although dusturbing, could be subject to many causes. The "Porn Creep" as it's sometimes referred to is probably the result of a connection in the brain, that is formed over time, between exciting visual images and sexual pleasure. Once the pathway has formed, it's probably purely chemical just like addiction in children can be. The other day I read a statistic regarding children that had undergone rehabilitation treatment for meth addiction that had initially used before the age of 16. The treatment had less then 2% success rate because the addiction can become a physical, chemical need.

Nobody likes to think about people as highly sophisticated bags of water, but there may come a day when emotions you feel such as Joy, Hope, Comfort, Awe, and Faith can come in a pill.

I'm a man, so I'm not as good at the chemical processes of woman BUT, from my personal relationships I have gathered the following. It probably wouldn't be a far shot to say that TO WOMEN, the act of sex gives intimacy. That is to say, the process of "bonking" or even a more deep experience of "making love" is what makes a woman feel closer, more intimate, and fulfilled. Therefore, knowing that a husband, boyfriend etc... is mastrubating is like cheating. To a man, however, it is typically the time AFTER ejaculation that would be comparable to the intimacy and fulfillment a woman gets during sex. This is biological, and can be coroborated by the fact that after ejaculation a man's body goes into a restful state. This state is largely the reaccumulation and creation of sperm, but it causes men to sometimes let their gaurd down, more easily share their feelings or emotions, and show their lover that they feel close or intimate. *Note* Remember that scene in "There's Something about Mary?" ("Man, you gotta get the baby batter outta the brain!")
If you don't see this kind of behavior in men, it is likely the result of age and fatigue, abuse, societal pressure, and feelings of inadequacy. That is to say that not all men will behave this way despite being totally fulfilled in a relationship, but, men that (after ejaculation) are closed, cold, or act as though they are "done" are suffering from other issues in a relationship or extremely introverted.

In short, to me I think it might be worth remembering that men have the biological need (yes it would probably fit into Maslow's Heirerarchy) to ejaculate. It does wane with age, but chronic porn usage is probably not a sign of a woman's inadequacy or even of a man's sexual satisfaction in a relationship, but when a man is turning down sex.. .(literally) for time to paroose porn, it is nothing more then a sign of addiction. Consult addiction resources and rehabilitation techniques in order to help to not be an "enabler" in the matter. But for God's sakes, don't beat yourself up over it ladies.

My gut tells me that in order to test if a man is addicted to porn, have him mastrubate to it. Then, if after ejaculation he continues to watch porn, he is likely suffering from an addiction. If, however, he does not, you may not have a problem.

MNIW, That was very interesting and a rather refreshing analysis of a rehashed topic around here. Thanks. I'm sure others will have more to say on the matter.

I feel sorry for our guys. They are encouraged to be manly and everyone thinks that porn should be an accepted, natural behavior of men. But just as you have seen...a little just doesn't seem to be enough. And what is really sad is that it deteriorates. They seem to start with the high class stuff and then plummet to the nasty, scummy looking women who will do anything for a buck. And generally it won't stop there. If they are spending hours online they are probably chatting and having cybersex. Not always unusual for them to start calling 900 numbers either. I think that they deserve our pity and our help. I certainly would ask my husband to go to counseling with me. You know he probably does not want to do it...especially if he knows you know...but they just can't seem to help themselves. Love them well ladies - let them know you are concerned and try and control any accusations...they are so very sight oriented and they see it EVERYWHERE ...online ...commercials ...billboards..they are constantly confronted with it and immediately their mind goes to something they saw and it runs the track of titilation from a previous encounter and they are hungry for it again. It is an endless cycle...and they will tell you that they are going to stop but it won't happen. They will tell you that they aren't doing it anymore and you will find signs. Get counseling. It will help. I know...been there...doing that!

I seldom post on porn threads but, mismi40, that must be the most generalized accounting of over-generalizations I've ever seen on the topic. Other than your personal experience of been there... doing that, do you have any basis for your post?

Well...you are right. I don't have any additional support. But living it has made my life pretty hard. You doubt yourself, you question your husband, You wonder if he is thinking of what he saw on the computer when he was with you. It is heartbreaking and a constant struggle and it doesn't go away that easily. I doubt all that I thought I was as a wife...and I would think living it would be enough for me to encourage others to seek professional help. I am sorry and embarrassed that I posted my generalized accounting of the over-generalisations I have seen and dealt with. It was a mistake. A big one. I would love to delete it and pretend I didn't share all of that...but I guess that is just a hard lesson learned.

omg i just watched that csi last night.then immediately looked up porn creep to see if it was a real phrase so to speak. boy did that hit the nail on the head. like everyone else on here i have the same problem,only a little worse i think. we havent had sex in 13 years. i despise porn to begin with and he knows it but still continues to watch it,for hours. he has even been so careless my kids who are 11 and 15 now have seen it pop up on the computer 4-5 years ago.he would be careless and not sign off or have to run to the bathroom. like the other lady on here i have went into his emails and search history and found all kinds of things,from him signing up for singles.net to teen porn ,etc etc. but im the one with the problem,go figue. say s it is a natural thing and i should get counseling,HA

Becca, you haven't had sex in 13 years with your husband?
He prefers internet porno to the real thing? Why do you stay married to someone who obviously has so little regard for you?

It's one thing to watch porno, but another to not fulfill his obligations.

13 years of no sex?

Thats not a marriage. that is a roommate.

he claims its because of his severe diabietes.which is his own damn fault doesnt take care of hisself and doesnt take meds properly. so he claims he has erectile disfunction.but yet when he watches porn he evidently whacks off . or when he is standing up it gets hard but when tries to use goes floppy. so im now convinced this porn creep pretty much explains what is goin on.

GUESS YOU CANT MISS WHAT YOU NEVER HAD RIGHT. EVEN WHEN HE COULD PERFORM DIDNT WORK FOR ME. DIDNT REALLY MATTER AT THE TIME CAUSE I DID LOVE HIM. BUT THEN HE BECAME ABBUSIVE TOO. HAD HIM KICKED OUT TWICE BY THE COURTS WAS LEAVING IN JULY THIS YEAR AFTER I FOUND OUT ALL THE CRAP ON INTERNET AND THEN HE ALMOST DIED FROM GANGARINE IN HIS SCROTUM (PAY BACKS ARE A BITCH RIGHT) HAD 5 SURGERIES IN 6 DAYS AND NOW NOTHING HARDLY LEFT IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. HAD TO QUIT MY JOB CAUSE HE NEEDED A 24 HR NURSE AND WOUND CARE SPECIALIST (IM PRIVATE NURSE) AND NOW CANT FIND ANOTHER JOB TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE WITH MY KIDS.

Something you NEED to know about porn creep, I suffer from it at this very moment... one advantage is that I can go on forever and give my girlfriend the best sex she will ever encounter, however I have now decided to completely stop watching porn and masturbating cold turkey because it has bigger negative effects. She has never been able to "get me off" when we have been alone together, which is probably the most devastating thing a guy can ever experience. I love this girl with all my heart and I would be so greatful if we could have children, but right now it doesn't seem possible because: 1. we are in high school, and 2. she is unaware that I have porn creep. You can get porn creep from masturbating to porn only once a day!!!! And it doesn't even have to be everyday!!!!! please take my advice, get off porn websites whether you have a fetish or not.... and just let alone time with your girlfriend be the only time where sex is prevalent... YOU MUST READ ALL OF THIS

Women after they are married, become far less open. I have always looked at porn, and look at it far less now, but my wife made me promise not to look at it because it makes her feel bad. Some women don't know how to make sex interesting... men aren't as simple minded as women assume, they need real diversity and complexity in their sex/love relationship and women just don't know how to keep it going for the most part. It isn't a slight on the love/relationship, but is just a sign that your husband is not getting enough of what he needs to satisfy complicated urges.

I was in a three yr relationship with a man that I was engaged to. Our sex life was always great but there were many occassions where he could not ejaculate. I knew that he had a playboy collection which did not bother me. I began finding porn hidden throughout his house. That made me start wondering what was in all the locked boxes and cabinets in his home. I decided to do a little snooping and over 1000 mags of porn and nude photo's of old girlfriends. I began finding him up late at night on the computer and would close out what he was looking at when I entered the room. I then realized after talking to a few of my girlfriends who where having the same problems. After seeing a television show on porn creeps, I realized that exactly why he could not ejaculate most of the time. It was because he was masterbating during the day. I started adding it up and the days he could not finalize where the days he would be home alone for a while. Needless to say, the more we girls talked about our situations, the more we banded together for strength. We all left our incapable men and life is so much easier now, without the drama! Now I know what signs to look for.