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Does my husband have a porn addiction?

 
 
jimfunky
 
  1  
Sat 10 Jul, 2004 11:33 pm
from the hoarses mouth!
I think I may be able to shed a little light on this subject. First off, after reading all these posts, I have a deep feel for all you woman out there and how you must feel about us and the internet porn. I guess by now, you have figured out that I am one these "guys" that do the porn, a "porn creep"(as CSI would call it). I do feel at times alot of shame about doing it. I do however feel that I have certain personal needs that are not obtained anymore. Marriage gives up alot of the "You" to become "WE". As a couple, guys lose a certain amount of being yourself. The individual you slowly starts to drift away. i don't mean this in a selfish way either, i'm just saying that when you are married you are no longer the individual you were before. I think a certain longing for that, not to mention that feeling of control,or the lack of individualism, or self being is totally missing. It has nothing to do with not loving my wife! When we met we watched porn all the time together, Even filmed ourselves. The thing is now we have been together 9 years. For a woman to be with the same person that long is nothing. For guys it is cruel and unusal punishment. We have it paraded in our faces all day long.The internet, the malls, Everywhere we go. The clothese keep get skimpier and more revealing. It is no wonder our fantasy minds have to be tamed, It's just like in that movie "something about mary", remember when the guy was going to go on a date with a "loaded gun". It's just like that. Another thing, every guy wants to nail a slut, but no one wants to marry one. Its not a have your cake and eat it to, cenario for us. At least for me anyway. I am not trying to say that this is right, I'm just saying that is part of who we are. It's what makes us different. We all have little demons inside us. It's how we control those demons that determine the quality of the life you allow yourself to live. thanx for listening...jimfunky
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earthsmist
 
  1  
Sun 11 Jul, 2004 06:01 am
Thanks!
Thanks for everyone's replies - it has indeed been helpful to read this thread. And trust me, I do have my own issues with my snooping. My original reason for doing so was to see correspondence between b/f and ex-lover. (I forgot to mention in earlier posts that his ex is and was a married woman - so secrecy would be high on their list of priorities) I wanted to know that it was innocent emails and I would immediately uninstall the software - I still will.

I had no desire, originally, to see how much porn he was viewing. I knew from walking in on him before that he visited porn sites.....I just never had any idea how often and for how long at a time. And also, now, what it would seem that he is searching for. Of course, I realize that the search words used for the newsgroups subscription could mean anything. But then, I have to wonder, after performing the same search myself and seeing a young girl named 'Lolita'......and finding this name also used as a search term. Trust me, I didn't want to believe it either! There was another search along the same lines....but for books by David Hamilton, who is famous for his nude photos of adolescent girls.

Now, I have no idea what all this means. Maybe it is as some say, and only fantasies. I have to wonder though if his porn viewing has become boring to him as he has spent so many hours at it and he is now needing something 'different' for his viewing pleasure? I have read so many articles online stating that porn addiction is just like any other addiction, whether it be drinking, drugs, overeating, whatever.....and after a while you are no longer satisfied - it takes more and more to please you.

Confused
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arwen03
 
  1  
Fri 6 Aug, 2004 08:27 pm
I am not even married yet, not until October, and we are already having this issue. I knew about his problem from the start, and I figured, well its a normal guy thing. Then I found it on his computer and realized how jealous and hurt it made me. Well he made me a promise that he wouldn't do it anymore and if he felt the urge he would call me and we can talk about it. Well a long ways down the road, when i totally trusted his words. I found more on his computer, some dating even the day before. He was at work and I called to tell him that I had found his stash and he needed to fess up. Well he didn't, he explained that he hadn't done it in months and the stuff on the computer may have been someone elses. The dumb ass that I am, I believed him. Well not even a week later, I came to his house in the morning before work to snuggle and say hi and I love him, and he had fallen asleep with porn on his comp. How hurtful can that be? What should I do? He wants my help to overcome his addiction. But I don't know what to do. Also he thinks I should just forgive him and forget it. But I know he's just going to do it again. I don't trust anything he says anymore. But I love him and I want to marry him. I can't wait to marry him. I just don't know what to do...... Sad
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Dakota
 
  1  
Sun 29 Aug, 2004 09:24 pm
marrying a man addicted to porn
I married a man almost five years ago who I had no clue indulged in pornography like he does. It was shocking to learn because we lived together for four years before we got married.

The first thing I found that was sort of odd was a receipt from a local sex shop dated about two weeks after we returned from our honeymoon. It was left on the table and I asked him what it was about. He said it was something he had always used and it was no big deal. I believed him.

About a year later he quit his job and began working at a business I had started because the manager had fallen ill. The office is upstairs away from the main retail activity. Often he wouldn't come home until 11 or 12 at night. There's a computer up there but again I had never really thought anything about it. Finally, I came in once and he had changed the screen quickly. Still naive, I went about sending a fax only to find the phone line was already in use. You guessed it. At the time we had dial up service and he was logged on.

It was pretty upsetting I guess because it made me feel really bad about me. Why did he have this need to spend hours up there when I was right around the corner. It really hurt my feelings. He promised it would stop.

At this point I began reading up on internet porn and of course he didn't stop. Maybe he can't stop. Apparently he doesn't want to. Like many of the articles stated, his use became more frequent. He subscribed to interactive services and private sites. When I learned about that I again insisted that he end it, that it was inappropriate at work, etc., etc.

So then he buys a laptop. I guess he uses it at the house when i'm not home. He throws out his credit card statements so I can't see what he's charging. I hadn't even looked when he left one on the desk with pages 2 and 3 gone. I asked him about it and he said that it was none of my business what he purchased. A weird answer because I had never been worried about what he bought.

So, after thinking he had stopped again (I am so stupid), which he told me he had after going to a counselor and reading books that I ordered (at least he said he went to a counselor and he appeared to read the books), I learned two days ago that he still has his private web site memberships and that he thinks I am being ridiculous to begrudge him this pleasure. He says that I won't have sex with him as often as he needs and that he needs these sites. It's just fantasy and men and women are different, etc., etc. He also added that maybe this is just his "personal flaw" and I should learn to deal with it.

This is a person who I love and I work with. How can I possibly trust him when he's hiding things from me, he lies to me and he told me today that he will not give up access. I spoke to him about some of the things I read where the need goes beyond what the internet can offer. He told me that he had been on some of the interactive sites but he preferred the simpler "plain old voyeur" sites. This didn't comfort me at all.

I am just so hurt by all this. I asked him if it was a choice between me and the porn which would he choose. He said he wanted both but he would go with the porn. How is that supposed to make me feel? I come in second to pictures on the web.

Our lives are so entwined that it's going to be a huge mess. I am not going to be second to anything or anyone. We talked about divorce which he brought up and I still can't believe it. We have a really nice life together but apparently that's not enough. How can he possibly choose a computer over me? I am still in shock. He's flying out tomorrow to see an ill family member so we've got a week to think on it. He returns on our fifth anniversary. Maybe the computer, he and I can all get together for a romantic evening.

I realize this is a long post but it's somewhat therapeutic for me. I have not talked with anyone because I think it's so very personal. I guess my response to the woman (arwen03) who wants to marry her porn-addicted boyfriend is don't do it. If he's already lying about this, then that's not a very good foundation to build a strong marriage. Once my husband started with his lies it seems as if the distrust is just growing. It's very sad but I can't live with someone who doesn't care if he hurts my feelings. I still can't believe I'm secondary to a machine. Has he lost his mind?
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panzade
 
  1  
Sun 29 Aug, 2004 09:36 pm
The issue seems to be trust, not porn.
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ajdemski
 
  1  
Mon 30 Aug, 2004 02:05 am
Is My Husband addicted to porn and to lying?
I think I'm at the end of my stick when it comes to my husband. I could seriously use some advice. This has been going on for 2 1/2 years now. Okay-from the beginning-my husband and I were really open with each other and told each just about everything. Then 10 months into our marraige-I got pregnant and I also gained a lot of weight with that. So-my self-esteem was just about nothing. Then my husband started looking at porn ALL THE TIME!!! I kept catching him and I begged him to stop, because although he's not looking at it because I'm fat and pregnant, but it still hurts my feelings that he'd rather look at other women having sex. Since this time I have caught him countless times and now I'm pregnant with our second and I've about had it. I've told him I just want to know so if something comes up on the computer I'll already know about it. How more open minded can I be? HE'S STILL LYING!!! I'm seriously about to chase him around base with a stick and beat it into his thick skull that it won't bother me as much as long as he tells me. Can someone help me? And I didn't mean to write a book!!!
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swimman
 
  1  
Mon 30 Aug, 2004 12:10 pm
my father has a porn problem
It feels like every time i go on the computer if i look under the history, there it is. I can expect it. I wonder if my parents sex life is not good or of there relationship is bad. It really hurts becuase i dont want them to split. I dont under stand how people can look at that crap and think its alright. I have been covering his tracks for months, i just dont know what else to do. It angers me becuase a man is suppose to be with his women or man and thats it, no be with these internet sluts, who pose for horney men who cant think with there mind.
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panzade
 
  1  
Mon 30 Aug, 2004 12:13 pm
Wow, if you're not pullin my chain swimman, I feel real bad for you. Do you think you can save your parents marriage by covering up for your Dad?
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swimman
 
  1  
Mon 30 Aug, 2004 12:19 pm
my father is a porn addict
i dont know, I guess i dont want to lose my mom, so ill do anything in my power not to. I dont know how she would feel.
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panzade
 
  1  
Mon 30 Aug, 2004 12:20 pm
I just noticed a strange thing. Most threads have a 4 to 1 or 5 to1 ratio of readers to posters. This thread is at a 60 to 1 ratio which leads me to believe there are a lot of people uncomfortable with the subject and more importantly porn addiction is more prevalent and harmful than I thought.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Mon 30 Aug, 2004 01:23 pm
Porn addiction in and of itself isn't the problem. It's the lying and the cover ups that are the problem. And that stems from the view of sex in our culture and society. Nakedness and sexuality are most commonly portrayed as dirty and taboo (which makes it exciting). The human body has been degraded to being dirty and obscene.
Incredibally sad....
God made us naked. The human body is beautiful, natural and normal.
We are sexual beings. We all want sex. However, if you deviate from the "norm" than you are a pervert or weird. Privately being different (especially in a society with strict norms) is exciting to a lot of people. So is watching other people have sex. Both of which are no accepted in this society. Sex is suppose to be a private act between two married people.

But why wouldn't seeing someone else having sex turn your on? It is ultimatly what we all want (to have sex). You might think hair pulling is such a turn off but Sally Sue over there thinks it is exciting. And Joe Blow likes to see some chick pour milk all over her breasts but that couldn't be more bizarre to you. It's the same as liking chocolate ice cream over pecan praline. We all have something that turns our cranks. It's part of being individuals.

I don't think that this is such a problem in any other country. I think we are all closet freaks here in America. We have such a horrible view of sex!

It is primarily men who do the porn thing but that is because men are far more visual sexually than women. They fantasize that they could have a woman like that. Men want "A whore in his bed and a lady on his arm" as my grandmother once said. I also think there are a lot of men out there who put their wives up on a pedestal and say "eww, that's the mother of my children...I can't do that to her!"....just as I think that a lot of women need to loosen up in the bedroom and do all the dirty things you know your husband wants. Who knows....you might like it! :wink:


Oh and I am NOT saying that this is the problem in anyone's relationship in particular. This is a generalized opinion.
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nimh
 
  1  
Mon 6 Sep, 2004 04:29 pm
panzade wrote:
I just noticed a strange thing. Most threads have a 4 to 1 or 5 to1 ratio of readers to posters. This thread is at a 60 to 1 ratio which leads me to believe there are a lot of people uncomfortable with the subject and more importantly porn addiction is more prevalent and harmful than I thought.

Not to want to sound too cynical, but it could just be that any thread that's got "porn" in the title will draw a lot of extra views ...

I mean, this thread will appear in Google too, so perhaps, ironically, its just pulling a lot of people in who are googling for porn (or some obscure search combination of porn and x or y or z).

But you could also still be right. It does seem to draw a lot of newly registered posters.
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izzyrose
 
  1  
Thu 16 Sep, 2004 01:08 pm
Hi everyone! Wow, I can't believe all the posts this thread has gotten. I just wanted to thank everyone for all the advice, even the ones that I didn't like. I haven't posted anything in awhile b/c I recently gave birth to a baby girl in July. I also have a 3 year old son, so needless to say I've been a bit busy. But I do still log on and read the posts. They have all been very helpful. My marriage is alot better now. Not perfect, but better. I have a2k to thank for that. All of the advice really helped me to look inside myself more and figure out my issues b/f I just wrote my husband off as some perv. I was finally able to talk to my husband about some self-esteem issues that I've known I've had for years but I was just too stubborn to admit it. So we agreed that I would to work on being a little more open minded and that he would work on trying to understand my insecurities.Now, obviously it's not that simple, but I think we were just both fed up w/ having this tension between us. So I made a decision that I would just stop obsessing over it and direct that energy into better things. I know this sounds kinda backwards considering that we've been married for 5 years but I decided to trust him. Now my situation is a little different from some of the other posts in the way that my husband has really been trying to work on our relationship. He doesn't go on the porn sites anymore. Now that doesn't mean he doesn't look at porn. He's been honest w/ me in letting me know that his friends at times e-mail him porn and he watches it. I don't check up on him and try to snoop. B/c it really was destroying me to keep being so suspicious of him all the time. My advice to women that deal w/ this...if you know that you and your husband really love each other and that the porn is the only issue that is causing problems in your marriage(usually it isn't) then you have to figure out a way to compromise. By no means do I mean to disrespect yourself, but just try to understand what your husband is going thru too. I felt horrible when I realized how I made my husband feel when I'd tell him that I was disgusted by him or when I made him feel like I thought he was some sick perv. Yeah, the excessive porn use was a little too much and it was hurting my self-esteem but I was puting him down right back. Both partners have to take each others feelings into consideration. You cannot expect to be happy in a relationship by demanding that the other person be one way. Thats were we were screwing it up. He wanted me to just accept his porn use and completely forget my conservative up-bringing(is that spelled right?)and I wanted him to completely give up porn, something that he had been exposed to since he was a teenager. So anyway, I don't think I'll ever fully understand men but all the posts on this thread really helped me understand marriage. So once again thank you for all the advice. Sorry this was sooo long Smile!
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Thu 16 Sep, 2004 01:15 pm
Congrats on the new baby, izzyrose!

And thanks for coming back and giving an update on how things are going. It's really nice to hear that you're both interested in, and willing to, work on things.
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PamO
 
  1  
Thu 16 Sep, 2004 01:25 pm
hi izzyrose---yes, nice to hear from you.

my little girl is a June baby..."Juliet."

the parenting forum is also helpful!
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panzade
 
  1  
Thu 16 Sep, 2004 04:58 pm
Thanks for the good news.
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nimh
 
  1  
Fri 17 Sep, 2004 01:48 am
Good on you, Izzyrose - and congratulations with the baby girl!
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stoneylee
 
  1  
Sat 18 Sep, 2004 08:15 pm
shewolfnm and izzyrose
When I met my husband he knew that I had a problem with porn and when we got married he gave all of his tapes to me to destroy and let me watch him delete all of the porn from his computer including bookmarks and favorites. I know I'm not suppose to snoop but I had a feeling about it and I checked his computer and guess what I found. We've only been married for about 6 months and things have been rocky for a while. This doesn't help. I've read many posts on other websites with woman giving the advice to just give in and take it lighthearted because trust is a bigger issue than the porn itself. . . and that it's better for men to be honest with you about the bad things that they do than to hide it behind closed doors. I personally think that it's bull. If your husband respects you enough then he should be able to choose between you or the paper girls with the fake ta tas and not need it so bad to go behind your back. Maybe I'm over-reacting . . . because I just found the stuff on his computer about 10 minutes ago. I honestly don't know how to handle the situation myself. If it hurts me so bad now, and it has hurt me before then I know in my heart that I can't just brush it off of my shoulders and let it slide. Chances are that the hurt from knowing that apparently I'm not enough to look at or fantasize about is not going to go away and will continue to grow with each site or video that I find. Everytime that I find something it makes my husband unattractive to me and makes me not desire to be with him because the whole time I'll be wondering if he's thinking about a girl that he's seen in a movie. The funny thing is that I'm not even self-concious. I could find someone else if I wanted to so that isn't what bothers me. It is the fact that my husband desires seeing other woman. That is as simple as it gets. My feelings are like shewolfnm . . . if he has to see other woman then he does not need to see me. If something fake is so important to a man then he does not deserve the real thing from his wife. Everyone is different though and my opinion is not everyone else's, and pornography falls under the 1st ammendment so men do have the right, but what people do not realize is that when you are married the laws change and are specific for that single couple. I am so frustrated. I fear that this will lead us into a divorce. I am just so disgusted of this. Men say that they have their 'needs', but men are creatures with free will and if their wives are so important to them then there is a little thing called 'will power' that all people are born with. I feel like I am making this so drastic but I feel like it's the paper girls with fake ta tas or me. Sorry to vent on everyone. There's my two cents . . . which multiplied into ten dollars Sad
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panzade
 
  1  
Sun 19 Sep, 2004 01:28 am
All I can think of to say Stoneylee is:"To thine own self be true" No one can make you accept something you're uncomfortable with.
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ChArMeD
 
  1  
Tue 21 Sep, 2004 04:23 pm
I am a newbie to this forum but I have been experiencing this same problem with my husband of five years. I knew he liked Porn when I first met him but he swore it was more out of curiousity over the strange things they do, than in the naked pictures and movies themselves. I was fairly naive, and I believed him...at first. But then I began to find things on our computer and pictures in his pockets that he aquired at work (accidentally of course...BS!) I started asking questions and telling him how uncomfortable it made me feel considering that I had three young children in the house and never viewed porn favorably in the first place. He swore that he would quit doing it. Again I believed him, and again he disappointed me. It would go for several months to a year and then I would find the stuff again. He would swear up and down that it would never happen again and it always did.

We haven't had intimate relations in over a year because it "doesn't work" but yet he can find time to sneak onto the internet and look at degrading photos of other women?? Sounds like it works to me...just not FOR me. Granted I don't have the same shape as I did when he met me, but then again neither does he and he never hears me comparing or complaining about it. In fact after having had 5 children I feel that I have an excuse for having gained and lost so much weight over the years...what the hell is his excuse for letting himself go?

Bottom line is that no matter what we ladies do or say to try and convince our man to stop they are going to continue to sneak around and do what they want. they'll just keep trying to get better and better at hiding it so we can't find out what they are doing. And after just discovering porn on my husbands computer once again after false promises, I am at the conclusion that maybe my children and I would be better off without him in our life? When my husband came home for lunch I confronted him about the porn and he attempted to look me straight in the eyes and lie pretending he had no idea what I was talking about or how it could have gotten there (I guess it was the porno genie again huh?). I told him that I was at my last straw and what did he want from me. He couldn't tell me....nor could he even tell me why he looked at it in the first place. He claims it doesn't turn him on in any way and that he doesn't masturbate to it....so why look? He says he has no clue..."he just does"

So, I guess when I get really fed up and he is served divorce papers and he asks me why I am divorcing him my answer will be "I just am" Confused
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