Does my husband have a porn addiction?

Damn, Zeldas - you're digging around his stuff, snooping through his whereabouts and now you want to systematically break down any security he puts up around his private stuff - and you're the one complaining that "all the lying & deception" is destroying your marriage? Mote, beam, eye?

Porn IS evil. That's obvious.

Just for those of you that are getting tired of hearing nonsense.

And then there's the other side...

Hm, admittedly I never watched porn but isn't it like
"reading" Playboy? Here, the guys look at the pictures
in a magazine, and there they look at pictures in the
internet. It's not evil, and yes, I'm a woman saying this.

Frankly, as long as your boyfriends/husbands don't
neglect you, what are the big complaints?

Would making porn of myself work?
Another sad story.....I just decided a few days ago to move my marriage til this year 05 instead of 06, however I don't want to go into this commitment of a lifetime feeling like 2nd best. People always joke to me about him probably looking at porn and what not, but I don't think anyone meant that at that very moment.....maybe he really was. He got on my 18 yr old brother's ass about viewing porn and dogging the computer down so it never even crossed my mind that he did this. This is the same guy that took 3 months to kiss his last gf and I changed that (being we were close friends and all), we ended up making love after a week into our "dating". I have no regrets about it and neither did he. So anyways, about 3 months ago, my outlook on him changed by accident. We were searching for somthing online and at the address bar he typed in an 's' which of course brought up all sites that had been viewed starting with 's', and of course we were looking at the computer together so I saw a "sex...." site. I can't remember the whole thing exactly but I knew what it entailed. So I joked about it with him and asked him if that was a porn site. He replied yes in a joking manner but I think he knew where I was going with the conversation. So I pressed on and found out that he looked at porn several times a week...we have currently been engaged just short of 2 yrs and dating just under 3 yrs and I never had a clue. He orders Maxim magazine and he says it was for the articles...now I dont' believe him. I feel that I am a decent looking female and I have actually been working out a lot recently for myself and to appeal to him of course. So from that point on, he has lied about not going on porn until I bring up the teenage porn sites he visited. This is not the first thing that he has done however, there was a string of emails from girls that liked him that he 'forgot' to tell that he was engaged. In fact, he was supposed to meet up with one that had recently broke up with her bf, at a time scheduled when he knew I was going to be out of the area for the day. Fortunately that rendevous did not occur but I did find the email. There is also a girl that used to email him about her masturbating habits and detail of when she has sex with guys and how she wants to have sex with him. He claims that she is just psycho and wont give it up and that she's not a threat.
I admit I snoop around but it hurts so much. I told him that I would make a porn video and pictures of myself in the nude for him when I am not around. He has agreed to this but do you think this will really work? Someone please give me some advice

Making Porn to appease the porn addict
In regards to making your own porn for your fiance. This is a dangerous thing to do! I originally thought it would be a good idea, and that it would allow my boyfriend to have something to watch when he needs to pleasure himself. But you have to really want to do it for yourself. If you don't you will regret it, believe me. I thought about it on and off, and decided to do it, because it turned me on thinking about being filmed, and then watched afterwards. I mean, it was also for him to use, part of my plan to get him to stop. Unfortunately it didn't work, and I don't think it will work for you either. I regret it now, because even though it was awesome to do, and I enjoyed it for some time after, I really felt degraded after I found out that he still looked at other porn even with our own stuff. It made me feel like a fool to do something so "dirty" and then have it not be enough. I ended up deciding to destroy it because I didn't feel it was right anymore.
But that's not all. If he actually getting emails, and corresponding with other women, I think that may be a bigger issue. I can't obviously tell you what to do, but I'd be worried, because if he "forgets" to tell these online women, what is to stop him from "forgetting" to tell a women he meets in real life. Especially when you say that he was supposed to meet one of the online women. I don't know, but I think that you definately need to have a really serious talk about everything. Especially these online women that he corresponds with. You may need to decide if you trust him enough to know that he only has conversations, and nothing else. But I mean, if this bothers you, which I'm sure it does, he needs to respect you enough to make an effort to stop. I'm obviously not an expert, but I figured I give my opinion anyways.

Just a quick thought on the making your own videos and stuff:

I'm sure it'd really excite him and it'd really add some momentary spice to your sex life. I mean, it's a really hot idea. But Volcana is right: you should only ever do a thing like that if you feel like it yourself, if its something you wanna do, not just because of him. Wouldnt work otherwise either.

Also (and this was my thought when you mentioned it): it's probably not going to work in getting him to stop looking at other pictures. Cause I'm betting that they serve a totally different goal. Its like when you read romance novels, you know the ones you buy for a dollar? My sister read lots of them when she was younger. You probably wouldnt want your husband to turn up in them, either, would you? Whole idea is about fantasizing about exciting, romantic adventures that have nothing to do with the day-to-day grind of your own life ... I'm guessing a lot of men use Playboy (I hate Playboy) and now online erotica in the same way, if perhaps a bit more, err, goal-oriented. A flight of fancy, a momentary escape, something not to do with their real life and their real wife. Sometimes even to fantasize about stuff they'd never even want irl.

Volcana is also right about the other women - thats a wholly different can of worms again altogether.

thank you for the reply!:


I agree and this may sound crazy but this is a kind of therapy site for me. I hope no one minds - writing my thoughts down helps me so much, to plan my moves and what and how to approach stuff.

I am pretty sure he looked at porn today as when I came in from work he was a little shifty, shy and very huggy a little guilty me thinks. I had to check his PC although I didn't want to really (fourth time in 5months) any way just looked at it and he has removed all history files completely. Of course I did a BSc(hons) and most of it was PC orientated so I tried a couple of things and low and behold I found .... ONE web site! I know which one it is too, as have looked at it before. Its nothing major so not worried to much and haven't asked him yet if he looked at porn today and as our arrangement is he only has to let me know if i ask. I think today I won't ask I will wait a little bit, give him a chance to be chuffed by my new sexy ideas. ..

1. Am planning on getting a vibrator and using it when he's not around if i know he's used porn. I have already told him i would buy one if he continued with lots of porn - so it was fair that we both had 'satisfying' or 'lazy' ways to masterbate - when i threatened i would before (before I when i was still in shock), he was a bit funny and insecure about me using one as he thought i wouldn't need him. So my thoughts here are I will be open and honest when I've used it and see if i don't want nooky so much and maybe try to relate it to porn...not sure yet how but will see...

2. Am making an effort to lose weight and get fit (Well its for me - if i have to leave then at least i'll fit and self confident to go and if i stay i'll be happier anyway and win win situation!). We have weights and home multi-gym and I have found if I let him decide what exercises are best for me he gets really into it and really likes helping, wearing tight all in ones and getting sweating has lead to a few sessions with my new trainer !! PLUS i'm getting toned. (He was impressed I benched pressed 40kg ..once ha ha but its a start!)

3. I am starting to wear nicer clothes in the house instead of staying in my work clothes - he has noticed. I am also making an effort when I go out anywhere with or with out him. apparantly a couple of his friends have noticed ... and i'm not flirting badly but i am doing breathing exercises to try and feel calmer and happier, hopefully sexier! This month i will add sexy boots, new top and jeans to my wardrobe, plus undies. also updating my hair.

4. I have addressed a few other relationship issues in a really calm way. Asked how I could improve - and actively done something about it.

5. I am taking time for me and not always doing what he expects me to. So far: Have covered him in makeup when he got waaaay to drunk and took picture, in midst of play fight threw water at him, and basically trying to have more fun for me.
result so far: seems to have kept him interested yesterday he even said do u think i'm boring?

things have definately picked up, i think we were both too used to each other...

no dis-respect honey but once u know they are doing it its so hard not to look - I think I'm doing pretty well at the mo, but my man is talking about it and is sympathetic to me (i have to trust this but its so hard) because men are not forth coming with when, to what and any other questions, you end up looking even though u don't want to. I don't know about anyone else the first time i looked i was so cross he had put in a position where i felt i had to! me a sensible 30 yearold with what most of his friends and mine think is a cool laid back attitude to love and relationships. I've always been honest with him. I have told him that i will try and not look but i might sometimes cause it hurts.

xxx

Thank you for the advice volcana and nimh. I have been debating about making this porn but I am starting to lean against it. Do you think there is any way that he will eventually grow out of it? I have been fooling around with him more often and he seems to be happy, no porn has showed up in about a week so that makes me happy. I hope this can be a trend as long as we keep up a good sex life. Otherwise its going to be an ongoing issue.

progress
I had really given my man hell ... he was so upset and I couldn't see that until...we actually talked about the fact he was frightened to look and felt so guilty ... he didn't enjoy it anymore. He also said said that he was so frightened he'd upset me so much I might finish with him. He was seriously stressed and said that he hoped if we didn't talk about it and he hadn't looked perhaps the subject would of gone... but i kept obsessing about it, and he hated the fact he wasn't seen by me as this fantastic guy anymore. To be honest I hadn't thought that he'd be so hurt, I explained i hated going to bed on my own, worried that he was doing it, i hated work as i wondered if he was doing it. He said he hated the fact he was scared he was being checked up on and yet he had stopped. That it made him feel sick that I thought so bad of him. He said he loved me and our sex life and that he was embarrassed at being caught. Then I chatted to a lovely level headed mate of mine.
How could I of see red and only listened to my fears and not his? She knows him. She thinks he loves me without question and I should make it clear I was cross at the secrecy and NOT the actual act. I told him I was embarrassed i was checking up on him.
I promised not to mention it for 2 weeks or look on his pc. and he promised not to look. Then we talked we needed more fun, the problem was we BOTH wanted more sex i wasn't getting it so was getting cross he was but on his own.... I work early and he stays up late. So now i try to stay up late once in a while, he gets up early now and again, we also do it when i get home, and its working. we both want to bonk each other more. I don't think i'd mind if he does look now and again and if i get frustrated we migth get me a vibrator.. although he is scared if i get one that looks like a willy i might not want him! bless. We're both young so we're working through it together. slowly.

shocked and still in pain about sex addiction

His dark secret was revealed to me by my son who recently returned from iraq..worn torn and emotionally exhausted.
My dear former significant other (former best friend) takes my son to a "gentleman"s Club.. a private room and all costing hundreds of dollars... with all the goodies available to them...and this man is in serious debt. When confronted
My friend denied going to a strip at all..ever...said it was my son's idea..hardly...The truth is my friend is a frequent visitor to strip clubs..when we were dating over a year "he claimed there was "NO chemistry" between us. He didn't know what it was..he broke up with me because he wanted to be around others..My friend portrays himself as a self righteous, humble, "model man" in the community..n Church going ....It just sickens me...I had to turn my back on him..I'm new in this city and he was my one and only friend...I'm devasted, hurt and feel totally betrayed by his total lack of intrigety...I just needed to vent here..Since I learned about his dirty little secret I chose not to confront him....I lost heart completely... I can't believe he was a sex addict...

honey. my heart goes out to u. i really don't know what to say.

maybe you could try to work through it? saya me who is sat here staying up longer than I should as i'm really affraid if i go to bed early he'll be there again straight on to see the women from internet hell.
I should be stronger than this.
we've even just talked about it in the bath again. he's getting better and warming to the vibrator idea.

wish i knew what advise to give u, i really do. Try not to let ur head run away with u... that self distruction... xx

We Are Being use as Slaves, and Porn is the key to men using us still to this day! and our daughters and their daughters wil be treated the same way! women have to use their bodies to make a man happy! and after you lose you're body they go on to porn or another women, they then leave you out of the bed room to have sex among the porn. you become a nothing! your feelings nothing! it isn't going to stop unless we do something too stop it! and thats teaching men to respect us not treat us like dirt! me and my husband stop having sex he only has sex to his computer! So we let them do this by staying in it! you don't look like the porn star! you can't have sex like them with dogs or what EVER! you are nothing conpair to this! and We need to STOP LETTING ME TREAT US LIKE THIS!!!!

Zeldas Would not feel like she had to look threw her husbands things if he didn't lie in the first place! women who feel its not ok. to look threw stuff thats nuts I have nothing to hide so why does your man? it's not Zeldas fault her man makes her feel like she is NOTHING!!!!!!!

Sometimes women who feel they are nothing..are nothing, without existing self esteem. It's much easier to deal with porn transgressions when you are empowered with a sense of self-worth.

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. ~ Elenor Roosevelt

Remember that.

One of the greatest things this great Lady offered us.

again
Well this must be a bad day for me.
After all my efforts i'm still losing against the porn. Oh yes I've even tried the can't beat them join them approach. Well i'm not unhappy with me .. at least i wasn't until this... i like my body and i'm good at my job and have great mates and family... i like my mind.. my degree is a good one!But I put my future on hold and moved in with the guy of dreams. AND HE'S A WANKER.
i'm inventive and actually according to several of my male friends a babe, i am not a strinking violet and i'm not a prude. BUT He can't stop. why can't he go to counselling
Right now i'm sooooo hurt again i'm waiting to see when i should break it off finally. even now he's off down the shops finishing the jobs he said he'd do for me today...while i struggled with stacks of shopping to make the perfect christmas. ... didn't have time though... y??? COS U SPENT A ******* HOUR or two WANKING.. on the ******* internet playing with his willy and i'm not happy as HE LIED TO ME AGAIN! lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied lied

I DON'T lie to him. well i'm going to ******* start. i'm going to find someone who is fine with porn to a degree which suits me... i might have an affair?? i'd be wrong then??? and if he looks at my texts i'll take the same attitude as u oh soo confident women well he shouldn't of looked... should he shouldn't of nosed into my private stuff.... oh am i wrong... well i've asked my male friends... all say they do it... but think it IS odd that he does it sooooo often... i've done my research...a couple said they do it now and again.. some say when they are single it goes in cycles ... everyday .. for a month then not for a bit...but cycles don't last 6months. . Well he can not have me now.. i've tried to compromise NOTHING! if i not there he wanks .. not a dick head who can't stop ******* wanking. playing with himself. he was everything i want in a man but not anymore. thats it i've had enough.
its over.
i hate him.

sorry to hear this, I am goign through this sort of thing as well, I dont know what to do, Ive had enough of porn & lies. is it really that neccessary in a mans life ?