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Does my husband have a porn addiction?

 
 
wasveryhappytillthis
 
  1  
Mon 6 Dec, 2004 07:31 pm
persevence
ok. Excuse my previous rants.

I actually decided to do something that i don't normally do. I had a massive go at my man the morning after i wrote the above reply...

when i was angry... i was so cross i ended up locking him out the bed room... never done that b4... ended up awake till late... told him to **** off and that i didn't want to talk .. when normally i talk for england.

then... the following morning got up late - not my fault... and OMG did i yell. sentances like ... ' now i'm late.. ******* late.. cos u lied .. cos u said u'd pick up the shopping and what did i find u didn't get what u said cos u'd been up the night before wanking, so slept in and got up practically pushed me out of the house to ... wank 10 mINS 10 MINS!! after i'd gone u where on it.. wanking!! and so u didn't have time b4 work to ******* well get our shopping... including my breakfast u promised to get .. why?? cos u wanked till work.. i can't get into the ******* draws as u clothes are so high as u can't be arsed to put them away as u were wanking... i am late to qwork cos u kept me up worry for sooooo long i haven't had a good nights sleep cos u ******* keep wanking u've made me so scared to go to bed to work as u wank!! ' my ranting achieved a lot. he was asounded\! i said yes i'm still checking up on... y?? cos u are a lier and i'm right. so and here the best thing..


Ive chatted to male mates ... and they say u're addicted.. they say that had i known at the start of the relationship that u spend hours of time on the net wanking would i have gone out with u??? NO COURSE NOT!

and i told him... i can handle the porn.. in moderation but NOT THE LIES! not that fact i would love to have sneaked a peak at ur history and not found anything! But i'm better on the computer than u and **** me .. NEVER! NOT ONCE HAVE U NOT BEEN LOOKING! and then u lie. lie

basically he was sooooooooooooo mortified.


i said just tell me! i said u can walse in smack my arse and say looked on the web for a new sexy position to try on u next week.. subtle ... but easy for me to take...and the fact u're cool will make me ok. Its about attitude. totally. i said i'm unhappy and bottom line i wanna leave. he was shocked... had a go for the privacy.
luckily for me when my phone goes he always grabs it and reads the text b4 me. i bring this up. he agrees ... he shouldn't think he could do it. what if he thought i was having an affair.. which i pointed out i feel like doing at the mo... he said he'd have to sneak a peak at my texts.

again i underline... a little porn fine.. but not so much it affects my sex life my food and my life at all...

he wanted me to stay hme. i said i couldn't. i said i had to rethink how i felt. he said. and it was hard for him.
he said he would tell me. i said we couldn't expect to be ok on both sides straight away... i'm not always happy he wanks to porn ( he hates that term) and he won't be happy that he is embarrassed to tell me esp if he's doing more than he admits to himself.

anyway. a week after row.
he's telling me in a cool way. i'm actually cool with it. he promised never to do it while i'm trying to sleep if i go to bed early. (i rather he'd bonk me.. and he should try and come to bed with me more often)

he said sorry for hurting me so much. (more than that but this is too long anyway) i said sorry for peaking.

things are much better.. there was an atmosphere for a while.


we realised there were a few other problems.. we in general were taking each other for granted. and my hours are too long.. he wants to see me more (i didn't know this) he gets a bit fed up i work so late.. so am loking for a job with same cash better hrs.



anyway enough rambling.
xxx
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Mon 6 Dec, 2004 07:49 pm
Good.
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wasveryhappytillthis
 
  1  
Thu 30 Dec, 2004 03:00 pm
with your incrediable insight i bow to thee! hee hee chuckle!
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Thu 30 Dec, 2004 09:18 pm
I've given my incredible insights - such as they are - on these threads before. I see I've gotten down to terse comments!
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wasveryhappytillthis
 
  1  
Sat 1 Jan, 2005 02:36 pm
Terse a little perhaps but i have to say at least you replied! hee hee
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Delta
 
  1  
Sun 23 Jan, 2005 02:50 am
Hello all,
I have just spent the best part of the night (it is now 8:48 am) getting some new perspectives on this very issue: porn.
Not least the feelings & views of some wifes, which having never been married (I'm in my mid twenties & very far from the prospect since I am busy with business etc.) is something that I have never heard before & thought provoking.
It is also not the kind of issue that is discussed outside relationships for obvious reasons. Isn't the web a wonderful thing? How else could you have a channel where you can cadidly & without reserve discuss such matters that arguably do matter.
However I was in particular wishing to respond to the concerns as set out by the thread starter & some of the the first repondents.
I am very serious about this since I took the time out from nasty deadlines to sign up & post only to this thread.

If I see a reply from:

izzyrose
SCoates
L.R.R.Hood
shewolfnm
buffytheslaye

or someone connected to the original issue in some way, I will give what I think would be insightful input.

However I cannot guarantee it to be what they wish to hear.
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outinthecold
 
  1  
Sun 27 Mar, 2005 05:18 pm
husbands pornography
Ohmygod where do I begin?? My husband has a porn problem and basically it is killing our marriage. Over the years it has waxed and waned but never left. He basically denies he has a problem and implies that I'm the problem-I'm fat and over sexed. Neither of these are actually true. I pretty sure I'm attractive and is liking sex three or four times a week really make me a nympho??

It the old adage- first he would have to admit he has a problem-which is never going to happen. I want to stop having sex with him - we usually will have sex with three or so times a month . Prior and during sex porn is on the t.v. and basically I wind up feeling like I'm being masturbated on.

I'm so hurt and so beaten down, he knows all this but is unwilling ?unable to stop. I would love a passionate sexual relationship instead I end up self- pleasuring and fantatizing. We have three children and I just can't make myself leave. He affords us a great lifestyle, is a good dad and we basically we get along quite well. I really feel like I'm just biddding my time until our kids are older blah blah.

Really just venting and find solace in people with similar trouble
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wasveryhappytillthis
 
  1  
Wed 30 Mar, 2005 12:30 pm
crumbs, this is a hard one. my man is still doing the porn thing but we have a compremise, he does it when i'm out and leaves enough time for him to recover !! for when i get hme... also he has promised if i ever go to bed early he won't do it...as i can't sleep thinking about it...
i have caught him once or twice since this arrangement if i've been in early.. but rather than getting cross i've smiled warmly and nipped under the desk .. i have found that he actually spends more time looking at me than the screen.. I think i'm kind of lucky as from what i gather is main thing is he likes a lady going down on him.. so thats the main part of his porn. We have also both acknowledged that i can be funny about it sometimes and he might wish to be private about it.. although he has started to openly tell me if he has been doing it.. which madly puts me at ease.
I think there may well be other issues in ur relationship too. and like us you need to address them too. separately. My man was very aggressively protective about his porn to start with.. a problem taht has been there 10 years won't be solved over night.. xx good luck..xx
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panzade
 
  1  
Wed 30 Mar, 2005 12:41 pm
Delta wrote:
It is also not the kind of issue that is discussed outside relationships for obvious reasons. Isn't the web a wonderful thing? How else could you have a channel where you can cadidly & without reserve discuss such matters that arguably do matter.

Many have poo-pooed these A2K porn threads but I believe they perform a very important function just like you pointed out. Not all women are self-assured enough to withstand the feelings of inadequacy that porn seems to trigger. I would hope our discussions would help relieve some porn angst.
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shmookiedoo
 
  1  
Wed 30 Mar, 2005 02:55 pm
panzade wrote:
Delta wrote:
It is also not the kind of issue that is discussed outside relationships for obvious reasons. Isn't the web a wonderful thing? How else could you have a channel where you can cadidly & without reserve discuss such matters that arguably do matter.

Many have poo-pooed these A2K porn threads but I believe they perform a very important function just like you pointed out. Not all women are self-assured enough to withstand the feelings of inadequacy that porn seems to trigger. I would hope our discussions would help relieve some porn angst.



I can only speak for myself here, but porn did not trigger inadequacy. It did trigger being disrespected. My self esteem and confidence has always been great. This body of mine is pretty darn awesome and did some amazing things. It's brought endless hours of love and pleasure to my husband, it has conceived and birthed 2 beautiful children. It fed those 2 beautiful children. It brings comfort to my children when they need a warm hug. It can be said that a mother and her body are the centre of the family.
So no...no inadequacy. Anger, hurt, betrayal and a sense of confidence lost...yes.
Be careful about labelling women as insecure when that is not the case in most instances. Just sounds like another cop-out to turn the tables on an unsuspecting woman.
When a woman gives herself completely to a man, that is no small thing. She has every right to expect the same without being labelled as being problematic.
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panzade
 
  1  
Wed 30 Mar, 2005 05:32 pm
shmookiedoo wrote:

So no...no inadequacy. Anger, hurt, betrayal and a sense of confidence lost...yes.


Call it what you want but your response fairly bristled with anger.

I'm not trying to typecast all women at all. But for our purposes and on this forum a number of women have noted that a sense of confidence is important when dealing with porn. Since men don't post their complaints about their wives using porn I have nothing to go by in a reverse case.

Finally, although you took my post personally, if you read it again I'm saying that these threads are a valid way for women to get good information about something that is rarely discussed outside the home.
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shmookiedoo
 
  1  
Wed 30 Mar, 2005 06:06 pm
Your post wasn't taken personally really, I just wanted to dispell the tired old line about porn only being a problem for women who lack self esteem, and wanted to clarify that was not the case. Sry if your post was the optimum time to do so :wink:
I totally agree that this board can be a great place for people dealing with this issue, there is alot of great advice from great people here. The people telling them that they must have a problem and lack self esteem aren't helping.
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wasveryhappytillthis
 
  1  
Mon 4 Apr, 2005 04:51 pm
shmookiedoo - i can see where you are coming from, I have great self esteem, but hey did my discoveries shake me to the bone.
It like girls were, taught less opening about boys and there likes and dislikes and boys were forced to keep their personal pleasures to themselves. Boys are more open about it now, 'its just porn mum' a great song, ... but i felt the secrecey was what hurt. The fact he would be do it on the sly and i was scared to go to bed without thinking ...what was he up to next door in the computer room... really hurt..

Now we talk about it, i ask about his day and sometimes he says he had a wank and sometimes he doesn't... if i ask he's honest. .. but we have started exploring me too, and what rocks my boat!! But hell its taken a long time, going through anger, teaching and relearning opinions. It isn't totally comfortable with me yet, and he knows i reserve the right to eppy. However he promised he wouldn't do it while i'm in bed, and sometimes i sneak under his desk and say cheekily go on put it on ...and i please him while he watches his stuff... i like being involved, I think i am simply nosey! and like being involved... ha ha
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cmg
 
  1  
Sat 26 Nov, 2005 09:07 am
it does no good to confront them
It does no good to confront them. They'll tell you what they think you want to hear at first. after a while, it becomes "YOU"!
Then after a while longer, they don't even bother to hide it anymore.
My husband is a good man and hard worker. I ask myself, why can't I let him have this one thing. Why does it eat at me so badly? Crying or Very sad
For a while I'm ok , then I'm not. You start to believe the fact , that you're the one who's crazy! They say it's fantasy. I say it's still cheating. if i went out and found a man and came home told him i fulfilled my fantasy , where would that get me? I think we all know the answer to that. My point is, He would be furious.

He comes home goes to the garage, ( he refuses to have his computer in the house, because he has no privacy) . gets on his computer, til shower time, takes a shower, goes back to the garage, til dinner, comes in eats, goes back to the garage until he comes in to go to bed. Most of the time the kids and I don't even know he has gone to bed.
He is oblivious as to what goes on in this house, with me or my kids.
The kids know what he is doing. I hate that the most. My daughter woke up one night to the sounds coming from the garage, she had fallen asleep on the couch. she's 18 now. She confronted him. He told her she was lying. or dreaming.We all know the truth.
I have to wonder tho, what would they think if they knew we were all chatting here about this problem. Not that I plan to tell him you see,but, I can guarantee you, it'd at least make them angry or hurt. He even ahs a file cabinet in the garage that is locked, that even I'm not allowed to have the key too.

I could go on and on. it seems i already have. just so much to say and way too many thoughts on this subject.

cmg
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donni
 
  1  
Thu 5 Jan, 2006 05:28 am
I am new to this site. I am trying to get as much info as possible so please bear with me. My husband and I have only had sex 3 times in the last year. He says the internet porn is a guy thing and I would never understand. Before him I have been with alot of men, some at the same time, even several women at the same time. I have always been the one to say "I'll try anything!!!" Now he gets excited when I am asleep (looking at my naked body and jacking off) but if I try to arouse him he can't. He calls me a prude because I feel I should be included. I am ready to move out of the bedroom. I don't know what to do!!!
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CalamityJane
 
  1  
Thu 5 Jan, 2006 03:15 pm
Quote:
I am ready to move out of the bedroom.


So move!! Looking at porn is not the problem, but he
obviously is not satisfying your needs and if he's no intention
to change his behavior, then you might as well look for
someone else who is more appreciative of you and your needs.
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bigsurprise
 
  1  
Fri 6 Jan, 2006 09:10 pm
porn addiction
CalamityJane wrote:
Quote:
I am ready to move out of the bedroom.


So move!! Looking at porn is not the problem, but he
obviously is not satisfying your needs and if he's no intention
to change his behavior, then you might as well look for
someone else who is more appreciative of you and your needs.


I found this site and question on accident but it fits what I am going through right now. I keep questioning whether my husband has a problem or if it's just me not liking his porn habits. A few months ago, he left his email address on (one I didn't know about). Up popped an email from a woman trying to hook up. I discovered my husband had his profile on a friend finder sight (with "lovesex" as his username). He was giving out his cell phone #!!! We've started counseling but I still know he's looking at internet porn (I checked the temporary internet files). I don't know how much I should tolerate but don't know if I am ready to throw in the towel on our family.
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flushd
 
  1  
Sat 7 Jan, 2006 05:27 pm
Just say No. Follow it up with action.

Standing up for your own needs does not mean giving up on a relationship or a family. Honestly, I do not understand that mentality.

If there is an actual porn problem, the addict is compromising primary relationships. He is responsible to change.
A wife/gf is not responsible for accommodating herself *and maybe a family* to the addictive needs.
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bigsurprise
 
  1  
Sat 7 Jan, 2006 08:28 pm
Donni, It seems like there is a bigger issue if you've only had sex 3 times in a year. You definately are not being a prude if you want to have a sexual realtionship with your own husband. Sex is definately not everything, but it does give a sense of closeness, another way to connect. I don't really know what to tell you, but it sounds like there's more of a problem, like him being selfish.
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aaatx8
 
  1  
Sun 15 Jan, 2006 06:20 pm
Re: Does my husband have a porn addiction?
My first reply so if I am violating protocol please forgive me.
Like most men, I am visually stimulated by the images of women and the images of various sex acts. I have never really considered it porn but I suppose it is.
I am in my fifties and so is my wife. Up until 3 years ago we were like rabbits even after 17 years together. Then she hit menopause and her whole being changed into a different person. She has no interest whatsoever in sex, touching romance or anything of the kind. She won't even talk about it. For the first time I am contemplating leaving her and moving out of the country.

I tell you this because what would swing me back the other way is simply for her to come to me, not say a word and just make love to me over and over. That would be the end of the porn, the end of leaving and all the rest.

Marriage can be exciting or boring. Have you discouraged his advances in the past? Make sure he knows you crave him inside you, you need his touch and that only he makes you feel like a total woman. Then sell the computer. He won't be on it anymore.

Or like me, he will discover women in Colombia where I go or somewhere else that will do what you aren't. Sorry to be harsh, but that is the real truth.

I hope it works out.









izzyrose wrote:
I was looking up info online when I saw the thread Husbands & Porno, and I have a similar problem. My husband and I were very good friends for about a year b/f we started dating. So I knew his porn habits. when we got together we were very open about the porn...he had his porn mags and there were also times when we would watch porn movies together. I have never been close minded about porn..as long as I know about it! Well almost a year ago I discovered several porn websites on our computer. Which at first didn't bother me but then I found out that he was visiting these websites several days a week for hours at a time(usually late at night when I was asleep or when I wasn't home). I have confronted him several times & I've even walked in on him once, and I get the same excuses. He'll tell me that he will stop but he never and now it's gotten to the point where he is not only lying to me but he goes as far as deleting history and cookies on our computer so that I don't see it. The lying and sneaking around bothers me so much that I've gotten to the point that I hate porn and I'm tempted to give him an ultimatum like it's the porn or me! I don't want to overreact but our sex life isn't so great anymore and he's driving me crazy! Sorry this is sooo long!
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