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Does my husband have a porn addiction?

 
 
Reply Thu 13 May, 2004 05:03 pm
I was looking up info online when I saw the thread Husbands & Porno, and I have a similar problem. My husband and I were very good friends for about a year b/f we started dating. So I knew his porn habits. when we got together we were very open about the porn...he had his porn mags and there were also times when we would watch porn movies together. I have never been close minded about porn..as long as I know about it! Well almost a year ago I discovered several porn websites on our computer. Which at first didn't bother me but then I found out that he was visiting these websites several days a week for hours at a time(usually late at night when I was asleep or when I wasn't home). I have confronted him several times & I've even walked in on him once, and I get the same excuses. He'll tell me that he will stop but he never and now it's gotten to the point where he is not only lying to me but he goes as far as deleting history and cookies on our computer so that I don't see it. The lying and sneaking around bothers me so much that I've gotten to the point that I hate porn and I'm tempted to give him an ultimatum like it's the porn or me! I don't want to overreact but our sex life isn't so great anymore and he's driving me crazy! Sorry this is sooo long!
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SCoates
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 May, 2004 05:18 pm
The reason I'm against porn is because it is addictive and makes people act like this. I didn't even read the thread before I knew the answer was yes. Watching porn causes the brain to act differently on a chemical level, just like drugs. Once an addiction is established it is just as difficult to break as a drug habit. I would confront him and help him see the problem. Think of it on the same level as drinking alcohol vs being an alcoholic. There are key differences.
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L R R Hood
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 May, 2004 05:38 pm
Talk to him and remind him of how open things used to be... ask him why he suddenly feels a need to hide it. Honestly, some men just need some privacy... like an instinctual need.

Keep in mind, things could be worse. Before you discuss it, decide what you want to get out of the conversation... know the things you want to ask, and don't hint. Be straightforward.

If the porn habit is affecting your sex life, there's definately a problem, and you may need to consider a trial separation. If the porn habit is just his need to do something private... you need to try and accept it. Just please don't let your frustrations affect your sex life... keep it fun Smile
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SCoates
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 May, 2004 06:03 pm
Hmm... I have to disagree. The fact that men become secretive is a sign of addiction. Of course, they themselves are usually the last ones to admit it.
L R R Hood
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 May, 2004 06:06 pm
If it is addiction, then it should be apparent when she attempts to discuss it with him.
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SCoates
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 May, 2004 06:42 pm
What reasons do people have for covering up their actions? They think they'll get in trouble... they feel it is wrong themselves... feel free to add any other options, but why would he feel he needs to if she has watched it with him before? That is a classic sign in other addictions. I suppose I don't want to ramble on, but it is a very classic sign, and in fact often a defining attribute of addiction. Whether or not he feels ashamed, or just worries how she might react, or neither or whatever--an addiction can take many forms, and the fact that he's acting unusual is a warning sign.
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 May, 2004 12:28 pm
In the same boat
I am in somewhat of the same boat...except my husband will tell me why he "needs" porn. And all of his "needs" match that of an addict. BUT he is very open with me about it sometimes. He still hides, sneaks, and drops alot of money into it at times. I feel dizzy with " do I confront him- do I not". When I do confront him of course, it is all 'my' problem . IM insecure or IM not 'open minded' or IM not understanding. It is just always me. And the fact that aside from the porn , we have a PHENOMENAL relationship he is still willing to allow this one issue to continue, KNOWING it hurts our relationship. It is the thing we ever fight about. But...yet again... we only fight because it is 'me' who has a problem with it. ????????? Am I being stupid enough ?? Or is there a problem here ???? That for once isnt mine??? Confused
Any suggestions?
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buffytheslayer
 
  2  
Reply Mon 31 May, 2004 03:32 pm
I was watching the season finale of CSI Miami and it was about this college couple who were making out on a blanket when a cell phone went off, turned out the cell phone belonged to a girl lying dead nearby in the bushes. She was a porn star. Gist of the story is the college guy killed her. He needed the dead body nearby to get his batter up with his girlfriend.

They called it "porn creep" where a fella (or whoever) watches porn so much they can no longer relate to their mate as a human and can only get off with porn as the inanimate object.

I learn so much watching those CSI shows! Very Happy

Me, I'm not so much a fan of porn, I think it's silly and mostly geared for straight guys. The girls have huge ta tas but the guys are fugly and it's mostly girl on girl action anyway. We used to have it as background filler at dorm parties in college and stuff.

I would not like it if my boyfriend was fixated on porn, and it would end up being a show-stopper in our relationship and he knows that.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 May, 2004 03:57 pm
My first marriage was to a porn addict. His problem was awful. Example... I thought I was pregnant about a year into our marriage. I know my body. I knew I was pregnant. So i told him,,, got no reaction , emotion, questions ...nothing. So , I thought that since men do not understand a womans' "intuition" that maybe he just wasnt sure what to do or think. I took him with me to the DR a week later. He sat on the far side of the exam table with a newspaper and waited for the answer from the DR. When she came back..of course she said 'pregnant'. When the Dr left the room , I looked at my husband and asked ' So, are we celebrating or not ?' He looked up at me and said ' I guess so' and went back to his paper. As we were gathering our things, I saw him pack away the newspaper , and noticed that he wasnt reading the paper at all that in fact he was staring at a porn magazine the whole time. <sigh> That marriage ended needless to say. He is what I see when I think of a porn addict. I hate to think that my current husband is or will be anything like that. He is just such a wonderful person not an evil bone in his body. Just a perfect addition to myself that I could ever ask for. The only thing we ever argue about is porn. I was never a big fan of it either, I have watched some with him on a few occasions just for shits and grins. No biggie. I dont get the 'need' for it though? Why ? How? Where does that come from? Is there really a time when someone comes immune to thier current desires? If that is true of porn , is it true of husbands/wives?
My husband is incrediably open with me and has told me why he likes porn and he sees it as a necessity in his sexuality. Is THAT possible? Does porn really contribute to someone's being? If it does then why does it hurt the other so bad? I have always thought of men hiding porn as being cheaters. Fantasy sex with someone else says you are not satisfied with your current sexual situation does it not? We are naturally geared twords pairing off for life with ONE other partner. So where does the need to enjoy and divuldge in another persons sex come in? Usually when the current isnt ok ? Reasonable conclusion? I think so. And that is what I think about my husband. But I feel like a hypocrite (sp?) when i tell him it hurts me because I have watched it with him. <sigh> I think too much..... Sad
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izzyrose
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jun, 2004 04:57 pm
shewolfnm: I know exactly how you feel! It's so frustrating to constantly be thinking why? I don't get porn, I mean I'll watch it, it doesn't gross me out or anything but I just don't get off on it like my husband does. It's like he needs to have his porn fix. And it's not just him, my husband has several friends who are really great, normal, good looking guys. They all send porn to each other...like hey check out this girl w/ the big tits. That I don't get, I have no desire to send my girlfriends pictures of naked guys. It's just hard b/c besides the porn my husband is a really great guy, and a great father to our kids. So I kinda feel bad having issues with the porn, b/c I don't want to take something away from him. But it's taking him away from me. We're always on edge with each other, mainly b/c I know he's lying to me about why he stays up all night sometimes on the computer instead of coming up to bed and being with me. He says he's playing video games but I know he's not mainly b/c he's not covering his tracks as well as he thinks he is. I don't know, I would really like to be able to know what goes on in his head. I don't want to make him feel ashamed about the porn...but he isn't including me, he's purposely keeping me out. So yeah, I get what you mean about thinking too much. Sometimes I think if I just stop worrying about it, we would be much happier. Who knows...Smile
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Jun, 2004 09:56 pm
If it were that easy to 'just stop thinking about it' we wouldnt be in this post. :-(
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onyxelle
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Jun, 2004 10:15 pm
my husband has been into looking at the porn sites online much more than anything else. We have a good sexlife, but everytime my legs aren't open, he's late night checking out the chicks on the computer. argh. i don't care about that so much, i only care about the problems it causes with my computer. grrrr.
maybe we should form a team and whip our husbands' a$$es until they give it up lol.
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jun, 2004 09:30 am
HAHAHA!! Maybe that is an excuse I can use. PORN jamms my computer. Stop now or forever hold your piece.. >wait.. that statement is a little defeating< HAHAHA
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izzyrose
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jun, 2004 11:25 am
Not only does it mess up my computer at times but I also have to deal w/ 20,000 spam e-mails everyday! I get a little tired of having to constantly delete not just porn spam but all the penis enlargement and viagra spam too. It's so aggravating. I think it's funny that for some reasons these companies think that men that look at porn need their penis' enlarged!Smile
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imdtckdkr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jun, 2004 12:08 pm
I have to first warn you that my views come from a very conservative viewpoint. Laughing

But I do think that this is a major problem that you need to get help with. If your husband is looking at that stuff then I firmly believe that he is cheating. There was another thread that I was reading that had to do with a guy having a platonic friend, no sex involved. The people on that thread were saying that he was giving to another woman what he should be giving to his wife.

That same principle applies here. Your dh is talking away from your relationship and it is hurting you both. Anything that comes between you guys is bad...and should be done away with.

The things that you should be focusing on are things that build your relationship, not things that tear it down. And of course there are some other issues as well, you mentioned that you have children. Do they ever get on the computer and see the flith that comes accross it? I've seen quite a few of those spam messages and let me tell you I would be mortified if a child ever saw them.

So, all of that to say that your dh needs to know that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable and he does need to make a change. Your relationship depends on it. It will be hard work I think to get past this addiction. (And I do believe it is an addiction!) But I think that you would both be much happier. There are so many good sites about dealing with porn and how to get rid of it out of your house. But your dh has to be willing and you have to be willing to work with him and trust him too.

Sorry this is so long but I do tend to get on some soapboxes!
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bromeliad
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jun, 2004 12:59 pm
shewolfnm wrote:
We are naturally geared twords pairing off for life with ONE other partner.


Sorry to be a downer, but I really doubt that's true, for either males or females.

~~~

Porn (legal stuff) doesn't bother me. Used to, doesn't anymore. I get annoyed, though, if my husband is spending a lot of time on any sort of 'leisure activity' when there are plenty of chores to be done.
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MyOwnUsername
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jun, 2004 02:05 pm
you are not downer, you are completely realistic.
I am not promoting cheating or anything here, I am just saying that we are everything but naturally geared for life with one partner.

btw, imdtckdkr, although I disagree I respect your opinion, BUT, you can't call cheating something that is not behind your back - if your husband or boyfriend watches porn behind your back then you might consider him cheater. But if he tells you that he is doing it and he thinks that is perfectly okay, you two may not be for each other, but he is nether cheating nor doing anything immoral.
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jun, 2004 06:37 pm
I do feel like it is cheating in a way. Why I dont know. And I think it is more with me that the problem is.... I think.. but then another part of me says it is with him. I just dont like that something so trivial makes such a big problem in our relationship. But one thing is for sure, with my husband , divorce/seperation isnt an answer. I am not going to leave him for this . this is a temporary problem that can have a perman ent solution. I just have to find it. I dont like that he spends so much time with it and I dont like how I feel knowing he feels that there is no problem. There I a problem...obviously. Just getting to a solution... >sigh< takes more energy then i think I have sometimes. Brome.. how/why/when did you decide it isnt a big deal? Did you start out being truly upset about it like me? or just something you were always able to look away from ?
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imdtckdkr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jun, 2004 08:54 pm
The way that I see it as cheating is that he is giving away to something else what is rightfully the wife's. His needs are to be met through the wife, not some girl in a picture that has been airbrushed and modified to be perfect. If he's got fantasies then he needs to ask his wife to fulfill those for him. If they have an open and honest relationship then I think that she should do her best to fulfill the fantasy. Most women are willing to at least try things once.

If he is doing it right out in the open then I can understand why you wouldn't think of it as cheating. But it sounds like he is trying to hide it from her. I can only think that the reason for hiding it is that he knows he is doing wrong. He knows that what he is doing is hurting the relationship. And by his actions he is saying that the pron is more important than his wife. And that is hurtful. Women want to be the most important thing in their man's life! http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/lachen/laughing-smiley-017.gif

Also, if he is spending time viewing porn and he knows that it is upsetting to his wife then he is hurting the relationship. My view of marriage is that it is both sides giving 100%. Why would I do something intentionally the I knew hurt my dh? That would be hurtful and detrimental to the relationship.

It is nice that we can have differing view points and have good conversation about it. So thanks for that!
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bromeliad
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jun, 2004 08:54 pm
shewolfnm wrote:
Brome.. how/why/when did you decide it isnt a big deal? Did you start out being truly upset about it like me? or just something you were always able to look away from ?


When I was in college I thought porn was just awful; I had an extreme feminist view. But on the other hand, I had seen plenty at my boyfriend's place (his roommate was a collector). I was also into film and had watched plenty of non-porn films that had a lot of hmm, 'mature content'. I took semi-seriously the thought of stripping (my boyfriend's suggestion) so I didn't have to be dependent on my family. So plenty of contradictions there, typical for a young person, perhaps.

My view softened as I got older. Before we were married, my first husband hid a copy of Playboy's college girls issue at my place. I was pissed, mostly because he had lied about owning a copy. He was a puritanical, hypocritical creep. Can't believe I married him. I made a collage out of the issue and gave it to him.

I always knew about my current husband's interests, which are typical, mainstream (Playboy online). We're open about it and it doesn't bother me.

I think I'm more comfortable with my own sexuality now, and that has made all the difference. I enjoy reading erotica, and sometimes very artsy 'porn' (Playboy is mostly blah). I don't feel threatened by the girls in the pictures, even though most of them have bigger boobs than me. :wink:

Of course, if he spent all his time and money on it, I'd be pissed.
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