Does my husband have a porn addiction?

Hmm.. that is a good point.
Though I still have the residual feeling of a ""threat""... i guess that is an appropriate word for the feeling..
I dont like that another woman/person/situation etc is doing what I SHOULD be doing for him. Sex with him belongs to me. And vice/versa. Im in no way a strict conservative. As i said before I have viewed it with him ...no issues... but I think it just boiles down to "" Damnit.... thats MINE"".... ??? make sence? hehe.

But i completely agree with TMD.... ya know it bothers the relationship, and in my case it is the ONLY thing we ever fight or argue about... yet .. it still happens with out reaching any kind of middle ground... and im supposed to be the one with the problem? Forgive me for sounding arrogant.. but im not the one putting the stick in the spokes and wondering why the wheel doesnt turn.... It seems to be that the only answer to this in our relationship is HIS answer. I love him dearly and want him to enjoy everything out of life . I never want to hinder or control but I just need some time to "chew" on this idea so to speak.. and Im not getting it. Maybe that is the reason why I am in such an uproar about it. Anyone else would be right?? I mean , just the fact that I would talk about something that honestly shouldnt leave the confines of OUR bedroom and looking for outside views SAYS im open and want to work on it. Im just not the one who is continuesly creating the situation and wondering why we fight.......
Do you think feeling that way is honestly just childish? Maybe I do have some problems with MY sexuality? Im entirely open to the idea and have no qualms about seeing it through that perspective... It is just hard to see things differently when you are on the inside.
>>pant pant<< I talk too much............... my fingers hurt.

I don't think you have problems with your sexuality. I just think that he is also not weird or immoral or perverted. You two are obviusly very different in that area. So, can you find compromise is the main issue...
But, if that is, as you say, ONLY thing you ever fight and argue about...well, believe me, normal healthy people have to fight sometimes

imdt...of course, different thing is if something is behind back - I was talking only about situation when it's clear thing that someone is doing it....

I agree.

shewolf, I didn't mean to imply you had a problem. I was just relating my own experience.

MyOwnUsername makes some good points, especially that last one.

The point that imdt. brought up about if a man has fantasies he needs to ask his wife to fullfill them is a point that I totally agree with. See in my situation thats part of the problem. I beg my husband to tell me his fantasies and tell me what he would like me to do to please him, but I get no response. This is how I know the problems is more w/ him then me. I will admit that there have been times in our relationship when we would watch porn together and I may have poked fun at it, but I have never said that it was forbidden. But for some reason he has gotten to the point that he feels he has to keep it secret and that he must keep this part private. The part that hurts me the most is that I have said " do you want me to be more like those girls?" And his response is " No honey, I don't really need any of that. To me that is an obvious lie b/c why would he watch it so much! I don't know I just feel that the person that I love has learned to lie to me right in my face about when he watches the porn and I have trusted him and believed him. And yet time and time again I have come home unexpected and caught him. My main worry isn't the porn it's the fact that he's lying and if he can lie about something so small ,then whats next? Are there any guys or girls that can give me advice on how to help my husband feel comfortable about talking about the porn w/ me. Because I really feel that he feels somewhat ashamed to talk to me about it. It's very frustrating.

well, fact that he's lying is completely different subject and it would be pretty much the same if he would persist to lie about almost anything.

If he is lying.

E.g. I have a really close female friend...since childhood...nothing ever happened between us, we are more like brother and sister. And we are both very open-minded so we also sometimes talk very openly about all kinds of subjects. So, she told me that she enjoys so much fantasizing about threesome with two guys...her boyfriend sometimes tells her stories of that kind during sex and it turns her on amazingly. But, she insists that she would absolutely never try it in real life. And I am not her boyfriend, nor would I care at all if she would try threesome, so there is not a single reason for her to lie to me about it. To her boyfriend - maybe. To me - no. So, it actually is possible that your husband is looking at it only as a fantasy that he doesn't have particular desire to actually try in real life.

Unfortunately, that is only one possibility of many. And it relates to only one part of your problem.

izzyrose, if he told you his fantasy was to watch you get in on with 3 black men and a dog while a midget gave him head, would you still want to fulfill his fantasy or would you think he was crazy and want to get as far away from him as possible? Would you give him that look that tells him you think he is completely insane and you are afraid of him now?

That is an extreme fantasy (Not one of mine, but I saw it on the internet), but I use it to make a point. Maybe his fantasy is weird and he doesn't want to share it in fear of losing what he has.

McG you forgot that midget has to be dressed as pink bunny

Ok,Ok McGentrix I can see your point. It's just really hard because I think I've gotten to the point that I have to accept that he seems to have an instinctual need to keep it private. In my perfect world he would tell me everything, but you are probably right. I know my husband & I can definately see him being scared to tell me something in fear that I would give him that look. B/c I probably would at first. So I can accept his need for privacy but I will not accept the lying and I will not share my time. I guess I've come to the point where I'm willing to agree to not intefere w/ his desire for the porn if he can promise me that he will make sure to keep working on our relationship as well. I just want him to cut down on the amount of porn he watches. I know that we get busy in life and yes I will admit that maybe his needs aren't always met. But the porn isn't helping, when it's taking him away from me. I don't know, is that right? Is there such a thing as a healthy amount of porn?

porn sites
Just found this forum and it certainly has asked a lot of questions for me. My husband is also doing porn sites and I am not sure what he gets from it. At first I was also interested in learning what he saw in porn films, porn sites and web cams. However that was a mistake because he really wanted to do all this alone. This can be done while I am at work. He also says my objections are all my problem and not his because he is only curious. Is it possible that he cannot proform sexually unless he spends time on these sites? I really do not like the idea of having another women turn him on. That is my right only. His sexual needs are low and sex every few weeks or a month is enough but he does porn sites almost every time I leave the house so that doesn't really seem to fit. Has anyone found a compromise?

Re: porn sites


You might want to castrate him then.

To tell you the truth I don't know if there really is a compromise with porn. My husband also tells me the same line about it being only my problem. But my response to that is if I'm upset about something then that should automatically make it your problem as well. When it comes to compromise I don't really know what else to do in my situation. The only compromise my husband seems to be happy with is just me keeping my mouth shut and accepting it. He won't stop watching porn. He has though, in the past couple weeks slowed down on how much porn he watches. But I think this is partly b/c we've been really busy lately and not because he's really making an effort to stop. I 'm sorry I can't be more helpful on this topic oliveoil, but I'm kinda in the same boat. I guess what makes it so hard for me is that overall my husband is a really good guy. I'm constantly reminded by friends and family how lucky him and I are to have found each other. So it almost makes me feel guilty to have a problem w/ porn. Part of me thinks "Why am I being such a prude just accept it,lots of women do?" I do hope that your husband isn't mistreating or negleting you in anyway because of the porn. If he is you may want to consider either counseling or a trial separation. If your husband is anything like mine he may say no to counseling. I finally got mine to agree by saying that it was for me and not for him. I told him the truth, we've been dealing with this problem now for most of our relationship and I really have a hard time being intimate with him w/ out thinking is this what he likes? Am I as sexy as though girls on his porn sites? His response to that is that it has nothing to do w/ me and that he's turned on when I'm myself. I don't know if thats true or not but I don't like feeling inadequate so he's agreed to counseling once our schedule slows down. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect change quickly, but if your husband loves you he'll realize what this is doing to you and maybe he'll try to figure something out. But they usually don't like to be made out to be the bad guy. So once you get past the anger and distrust then you can figure out ways to talk w/out making each other feel worse. Now I personally don't think that my husband will ever stop watching porn but I do hope that with baby steps we'll find a compromise. I'm sorry this is so long. I hope I was able to help you some. Good luck.

dont worry
welll sounds like he os normal fella just needs a reminder that there is better wating 4 him at home dont nag just b nice and happy he will come round and laff it all off just try and see the funnny side of it

No.

Sorry - dont want to come across as flippant by just posting that - there are many different things about all kinds of things mentioned here that could be said, and are - but I just picked this one before I rush on again.

No, fantasizing about different sex situations doesnt necessarily mean you're unhappy with the real ones you actually have. Lots of fantasies are just not practical to act out - or you wouldnt really want to act them out - or you get a kick out of thinking about, I dunno, sex with multiple partners but you wouldnt actually wanna have sex with anyone except your partner - or ... et cetera.

OK, I came up with LOTS more ... before even realising that the thread's already a darned month old
Never thought there could be THIS much to say about topic like that - man, I must really not want to get round to what i hafta be doing!


There were several variations on this on this thread ... but it looks to me like you got some circular argument going on here. You (generic you) get upset when he watches porn. He doesn't want any fight, so he starts doing it away from you. Then the problem becomes that he's hiding stuff, that he's being secretive. But isn't the reason he's being secretive that he knows you wouldn't like it if you would get to see it? I mean, demanding him to be "open" about it is a bit disingenious if you wouldnt in fact be OK with it if he were, no?

OK, I can actually imagine two reasons for being secretive. One is the above. So if the girl were OK with it, he wouldnt hide it - but since she's not OK, he'll hide it. That one leads straight to the bottom-line question tho, cause your answer could be: well, if she's not OK with it, he just shouldnt do it! Should a spouse refrain from anything the other doesn't like? Do you have stuff yourself you wouldnt want to give up, even tho you know he aint too happy about it?

If thats a question of principle, its just a sucky thing it gets to play out over something as dreary as internet porn ...

Two - he would hide it even if the gal would have been OK with it. Bad sign? Possibly ... but perhaps everyone also just has this need for some stuff to simply be his own, not his partner's. Speculating, wouldn't that be a lot stronger an instinct among guys? Like, my grampa had a basement. Nothing illicit - he collected pins, and I dunno, had his radio there - basically, it was the place he retreated to when he just wanted to be in his own domain, away from the wife. How many men go out fishing?

Again, your very own porn experience isn't exactly the most glamorous way to act that out with ... huh. But you know ... it could be the mirror reflection of your anxiety about being "excluded". Cause its kinda invasive. Like izzyrose wrote, "but he isn't including me, he's purposely keeping me out". Well, yeh - and? I'm kinda, like, getting the impression that thats some of you's biggest problem with it. Not the porn in itself, but that you're excluded. F'example:


<grins>

OK, but, like - dont you ever have sexual fantasies? Masturbate? Explicit daydreams - that dont include him? Or include others too? How is this different?

I mean, one way this is different - the dreary stuff. Finding stupid **** on the computer (emptying the "history" afterwards should just be self-evident courtesy, no?). I dunno. He'd better clean up after himself. As a girl, you know, you can be more ... subtle, if you wanna play ...

But the issue of, you know, possession - his fantasies should be about you, whatever - I dunno. That goes beyond the dreariness of bad or bland porn. Like, you are "the most important thing in your man's life", really. But he's gotta/gonna have stuff of his own, too. Stuff you're not included in. Like you have your girlfriends to chat and go shopping with - he aint part of that. Shouldnt really be a biggie.

Course, when it leads to fights, it does become a biggie. But you know, theres another circular argument here. Like, when Izzyrose writes, "But it's taking him away from me. We're always on edge with each other, mainly b/c I know he's lying to me about why he stays up all night sometimes", theres two things. What is taking him away from you? That he does porn by himself, or that it makes you always on edge with each other? Ie - if he didnt do porn, there wouldnt be a problem - but if you didnt want him not to do porn, there wouldnt be a problem either? I mean, I'm feeling increasingly queasy arguing this side, but factually, this:


is not right. The situation is created by the two facts that a) he does porn and b) you get (cross out what is not applicable:) insulted/ insecure/ jealous/ angry about it. So yeh, both of you are continuously creating the situation, actually.

Course ... if he's spending your collective money on it ... or being all grumpy in the morning cause he didnt get enough sleep ... or losing his sex drive over it ... or spending lotsa time on it and none on picking up the kids from school or whatever ... or, err ... yeah, OK, so I get the rest of y'all's points ;-)

Wow, I can't believe this thread is still going. Only b/c nimh is right, it is a dreary topic. I just wanted to say thankyou to everyone for all the great advice. It's definately helped me be more patient w/ the situation and think twice b/f I react w/ anger. Anyway, nimh wrote:
My husband has brought this up. I feel that if it's something that is causing tension in a marriage and causing one or both of the parties grief,then yes a spouse should give it up. But then comes my problem. Is internet porn worth all this? Is it cheating? And if it isn't how do you know where to draw the line?How do you know it won't lead to something else? See why this is so frustrating? There is no way for me to guage how disrespectful this is to me and our marriage. I have a friend who told me " It's not like he met a girl ,took her to a hotel room and slept w/ her. He's just fantasizing!" Ok, well why now. After 6 years of being together what changed that porn turned from being a fun thing that we occasionally look at together to basically an activity that he has to view weekly and by himself? Wouldn't that make some of you wonder if there was something I didn't have? And I know thats ridiculous for me to think but I don't know how not to feel insecure about this. And I don't mean to sound like the Virgin Mary in this situation,but the answer is no. There is nothing that I engage in that my husband has a problem with. And that isn't because he's so openminded but only b/c I am 100% about my marriage and my children. Now 5-6 years ago b/f marriage and two kids I will admit I was a bit of a wild child. I did alot drugs, partied alot and dated a bit too much. And I guess the beginnig of our relationship was a bit rocky b/c of me not wanting to give up my freedom. But once I fully trusted him and agreed to marry him I have never looked back. But trust me he definately brings it up now. How back then I was stubborn and refused tio give certain things up for him. But hello, we weren't married and I was 19 years old! And thats another thing my husband and I have 13 years age difference. I'll be 25 this year and he'll be 38. B/f me he was quite a bachelor w/ lots of freedom and lots of female friends. So I try to take into consideration that for the last 6 years his life has gone down a completely different path than what he was living and that he may feel like he's losing his identity. But so have I. And I just try to think right now this is where my life is and one day when kids are older and work is less demanding I'll have more time to myself. Oh man, I'm sorry to make this so long and keep rambling about my depressing problem. But I really don't know how to stay level and mature about this. We don't fight about it anymore, one b/c I just don't really have the time to argue w/ him. And two b/c he has decided that he will no longer view porn in our home. Cathch that last part"not in our home". But work and friends houses is just fine. He didn't bother to tell me that I just found out from a friends wife. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great 4th of July and thanks for lisenting.

I say to each his own, but whether it involves porn or anything else for that matter, if a spouse or partner feels the need to hide something, lie about something or sneak around to do something, it's clear that whatever the activity is it's something they don't think their significant other can handle, and will be angry or hurt over. So my rule if thumb is, if I don't feel comfortable with the thought of my husband knowing about something I'm doing, then I shouldn't be doing it.

Everyone has their own degree of what they find acceptable and unacceptable, so whatever this may be will, of course, vary from couple to couple.

We just need to keep in mind that there needs to be a mutual consideration and respect for each other's feelings and comfort level.

son of a bitch


Nimh, you just sat me on my ass.
Yes, I know , I am a few days behind reading your post but hey...forgive me.. im just a gurl. hahaha! Kidding. Anyways.... It has NEVER crossed my mind that
1) The problem may lay in my desire TO be included in EVERYTHING..... rejection is NOT my strong point. JezusChrist ... why didnt I see that?!!! That is just too obvious.

(( before I go on.. realize that I am NOT being sarcastic. I am honestly amazed that everything you posted made sence to me and that I cant believe I didnt think about this stuff. No rudeness from me. More like a buncha thanks! ))

2) I AM creating a problem because I fight about it. It isnt all one sided. To be one sided is to say that I do nothing. ie: dont get upset, dont question etc.... that isnt true because I do all of that. So I am just as responsible in creating tension....> sigh <

3)-nimh-- "Do you have stuff yourself you wouldnt want to give up, even tho you know he aint too happy about it?"--- yup. And i am still keeping that stuff. So why should I be the only one allowed to? im not his boss/mother what ever.. yet another good point that is too obvious!! :-)

4) <grins>

"""""OK, but, like - dont you ever have sexual fantasies? Masturbate? Explicit daydreams - that dont include him? Or include others too? """""
Yup.. again.. yup. And when my husband and I talk about fantasies and things we either have done or have thought of doing it is the same thing. And there is nothing wrong with that. Men are visual..women are not so much so. And since women are not as visually driven as men we dont understand why men enjoy porn. but im sure it just works like our ( our meaning women's ) imagination during masturbation. F'n Duh.


Well.. I think I made my point. Im not so upset anymore. In fact I feel kinda silly now.. Im going to shrink off in the corner now....

shewolfnm - <grins> - no prob - your post made me ... well, grin

izzyrose - you bring up a lot of good points about your husband and yourself and all the things that seem to be playing out in this issue here ... I mean, i can see why you're distressed and i'm thinking it's about a lot more things than the porn so much by itself - more about all the issues it might be bringing up or referring to. I hope you'll have the chance to talk about all those things with him, kinda aside from the lightning rod the porn thing seems to have been.

PS ... I am too prudish or hypocritical to mention whether, what kind and/or how much porn i have or have not got ... ;-). But I can tell you that the one time I came across my then-girlfriend's porn on our computer, i was kinda taken aback for a moment, yeah - especially cause it was pretty hardcore. But i was also kinda amused ('Oh, she really goes for that kinda thing huh? Well ...'). Not really surprised, but still kinda like ... man. It didnt make me insecure cause our sex life at that time i think was pretty good (even if it mighta been the only good thing at that point) ... but yeah, forsure I did not wish to accidentally come upon it again.

I talked to mu husband last night and I was apologizing up and down to him. I think it may have thrown him for a loop but I told him some of the things I realized and he was kinda 'giggly' at me. I must have looked really silly then because he didnt get rid of his smirk for a while.
But we did talk more about it and he said that he was very sorry he wasnt able to be as understanding to me and that now he knows why I feel the way I do it makes sence to him and now doesnt feel he has to fight his way around his own home. And now I know it is a big part of my insecurity... i know when to shut my mouth! ;-)