OK, I came up with LOTS more ... before even realising that the thread's already a darned month old
Never thought there could be THIS much to say about topic like that - man, I must really
not want to get round to what i hafta be doing!
If he is doing it right out in the open then I can understand why you wouldn't think of it as cheating. But it sounds like he is trying to hide it from her. I can only think that the reason for hiding it is that he knows he is doing wrong.
There were several variations on this on this thread ... but it looks to me like you got some circular argument going on here. You (generic you) get upset when he watches porn. He doesn't want any fight, so he starts doing it away from you. Then the problem becomes that he's hiding stuff, that he's being secretive. But isn't the reason he's being secretive that he knows you wouldn't like it if you would
get to see it? I mean, demanding him to be "open" about it is a bit disingenious if you wouldnt in fact be OK with it if he were
OK, I can actually imagine two
reasons for being secretive. One is the above. So if the girl were OK with it, he wouldnt hide it - but since she's not OK, he'll hide it. That one leads straight to the bottom-line question tho, cause your answer could be: well, if she's not OK with it, he just shouldnt do it! Should a spouse refrain from anything the other doesn't like? Do you have stuff yourself you wouldnt want to give up, even tho you know he aint too happy about it?
If thats a question of principle, its just a sucky thing it gets to play out over something as dreary as internet porn ...
Two - he would hide it even if the gal would
have been OK with it. Bad sign? Possibly ... but perhaps everyone also just has this need for some stuff to simply be his own, not his partner's. Speculating, wouldn't that be a lot stronger an instinct among guys? Like, my grampa had a basement. Nothing illicit - he collected pins, and I dunno, had his radio there - basically, it was the place he retreated to when he just wanted to be in his own domain, away from the wife. How many men go out fishing?
Again, your very own porn experience isn't exactly the most glamorous way to act that out with ... huh. But you know ... it could be the mirror reflection of your anxiety about being "excluded". Cause its kinda invasive. Like izzyrose wrote, "but he isn't including me, he's purposely keeping me out". Well, yeh - and? I'm kinda, like, getting the impression that thats
some of you's biggest problem with it. Not the porn in itself, but that you're excluded. F'example:
I dont like that another woman/person/situation etc is doing what I SHOULD be doing for him. Sex with him belongs to me. And vice/versa. [..] I think it just boiles down to "" Damnit.... thats MINE"".... ??? make sence? hehe.
OK, but, like - dont you ever have sexual fantasies? Masturbate? Explicit daydreams - that dont include him? Or include others too? How is this different?
I mean, one way this is different - the dreary stuff. Finding stupid **** on the computer (emptying the "history" afterwards should just be self-evident courtesy, no?). I dunno. He'd better clean up after himself. As a girl, you know, you can be more ... subtle, if you wanna play ...
But the issue of, you know, possession - his fantasies should be about you, whatever - I dunno. That goes beyond the dreariness of bad or bland porn. Like, you are
"the most important thing in your man's life", really. But he's gotta/gonna have stuff of his own, too. Stuff you're not
included in. Like you have your girlfriends to chat and go shopping with - he aint part of that. Shouldnt really be a biggie.
Course, when it leads to fights, it does become a biggie. But you know, theres another circular argument here. Like, when Izzyrose writes, "But it's taking him away from me. We're always on edge with each other, mainly b/c I know he's lying to me about why he stays up all night sometimes", theres two things. What is taking him away from you? That he does porn by himself, or that it makes you always on edge with each other? Ie - if he didnt do porn, there wouldnt be a problem - but if you didnt want him not
to do porn, there wouldnt be a problem either? I mean, I'm feeling increasingly queasy arguing this side, but factually, this:
Im just not the one who is continuesly creating the situation and wondering why we fight.......
is not right. The situation is created by the two facts that a) he does porn and b) you get (cross out what is not applicable:) insulted/ insecure/ jealous/ angry about it. So yeh, both of you are continuously creating the situation, actually.
Course ... if he's spending your collective money on it ... or being all grumpy in the morning cause he didnt get enough sleep ... or losing his sex drive over it ... or spending lotsa time on it and none on picking up the kids from school or whatever ... or, err ... yeah, OK, so I get the rest of y'all's points ;-)