My wife's affair and her lack of desire towards me now

@Germlat,

Afrikaans! Well u have been harsh and inconsiderate Germlat coz u say u been brought up not to take such nonsense. (the one u feel Bestrong1976 is facing) hence u think my comment was a cindrella approach.

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@nastinka,

Stupid is as stupid does...screw Afrikaans!

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@nastinka,

nastinka,
these people here seriously believing that when brick is falling to hit them over the head they will escape it because they were brought up this way. My ass!
Like I said I was brought up in toughest old fashion way. Virgin until 21.
Never looked at another man until brick fell on my head!

These people seriously thinking if I could I wouldn't stop feeling that blowing my brain and not letting me function and making me talking in a forum about it?
It is similar to the situation when people used to say 'stop being gay'. They thought it is from outside. But it happened that it is NOT.
So it is the same for hormones, feelings, whatever you call it, right?
It can't be stopped!!! It can be lived with and suffer and enjoy but it can't be stopped!!!

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@ossobuco,

There is a great difference in caring out of obligation and caring out of a selfish love of your partner. Caring because you genuinely love them and not caring as a duty. Not being honest with your love is the greatest emotional self mutilation one could self inflict themself.

Indeed the degree of love varies but it is love if genuine.

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@Germlat,

Whatever Germlat!!

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@Love Unplugged,

There's also a thing called keeping the truth from others. If someone simply loved me but wasn't satisfied with me....I'd like to know. In this way I could be a participant in the solution. I don't agree with making decisions for others....for example, lying to them(keeping them in the dark). Also-- I wouldn't want anyone to "sacrifice" for me...I'm fairly confident in myself....more than one can feel passion for another ..and excitement as well. So--you need that security right? I'm confident your spouse could live without you..,SHOCK!!! Maybe even be happier with someone who really gets them!!! You're screwing them of the chance to achieve that.

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@Love Unplugged,

You're love might be genuine... Ok. But--is it enough? Are you screwing someone by lying to them? Maybe there's someone who would be completely satisfied with this person. Are you doing them a favor? How's the intimacy and sex? How can you lie in that department? Don't you believe they also deserve fulfillment ? Maybe...they're also settling and also feel a void...without communicating how would you know if they also feel that way...maybe they do. How about awarding someone the truth...hey maybe you can even decide on an open relationship....

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@Germlat,

Love is not measurable. Any love one feels for another is for them and it is up to the other to judge if that love is enough. This combination of love provides a picture of how much love is felt in the relationship - not measured, felt. Love is a combination of values a partner possesses which are irreplaceable. If such combination of values are replaceable then the idea of love in one's current partner is a delusion and a cohabitation and opportunistic relationship. Big differences. One day some opportunistic therapist might develop a scale to objectively measure love. Hmm idea for me lol

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@Love Unplugged,

Love Unplugged wrote:

Love is not measurable. Any love one feels for another is for them and it is up to the other to judge if that love is enough. This combination of love provides a picture of how much love is felt in the relationship - not measured, felt. Love is a combination of values a partner possesses which are irreplaceable. If such combination of values are replaceable then the idea of love in one's current partner is a delusion and a cohabitation and opportunistic relationship. Big differences. One day some opportunistic therapist might develop a scale to objectively measure love. Hmm idea for me lol

Well...there are different types of love: fraternal, consummate , compassionate . etc. I believe that when you promise your fidelity to another and lie and sneak around, it is not an act of love. The promise of marriage is exclusivity( unless both parties agree to a different type of relationship). So you may when cheating ,one can love more than one partner at a time, because the heart is that
big! But--in reality you're stealing the passion and intimacy that is meant for a
spouse and giving it to another. It is simply not possible to fix a marriage while being invested elsewhere.

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@Love Unplugged,

Why do you think a cheating spouse doesn't reveal an affair? Because they don't want to hurt their partner? No!! It's because they know their partners wouldn't go for 3 in their marriage. If they really thought there"s nothing wrong with what I'm doing, they'd disclose it...but they want to have their cake and I eat it too. If I were to be having sex elsewhere, more than likely my sex life at home would dwindle. This is because I would be allowing myself to be satisfied by another. Same thing with intimacy...cheaters often appear distant, aloof to their spouses. All you have to do is read about this...classic stuff. Thing is those spouses are in the dark. They often know something is wrong. If you think it's ok to be involved with others, why not extend that freedom to your spouse?

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@Love Unplugged,

'Love is a combination of values a partner possesses...' you said.
What about if it is not a partner yet?

Great post, just want to pick your brain on the issue. Thanks

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@Germlat,

Correct Germlat in regard to stealing intimacy and passion of a current partner. Therefore one shouldn't be with the partner they are 'stealing' from. But, you are stealing from yourself in an unfulfilling relationship and committing for moral sake. If one values the security and stability of their current relationship then cheating is a consequence of other needs not being met.

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@Eliusa,

If someone is not a partner yet, and you love them, one must then try to make them your partner. If this is not possible then this is a misfortune or the prospective partner has not made the sort of compatibility assessment you have made. Love has luck and this is a normal condition of life. Keep pursuing love and love it :-)

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@Love Unplugged,

Love Unplugged wrote:

Correct Germlat in regard to stealing intimacy and passion of a current partner. Therefore one shouldn't be with the partner they are 'stealing' from. But, you are stealing from yourself in an unfulfilling relationship and committing for moral sake. If one values the security and stability of their current relationship then cheating is a consequence of other needs not being met.

It gets a bit tricky in long term relationships....All long-term relationships have ups/downs, it's normal. Our needs are not met 100% of the time...it's to be expected. Many have the courage to stick by and work to resolve the issues . I know that's the reason I haven't cheated. No...sometimes my needs haven't been met. Maybe I have the faith that it is mere misunderstanding . In any case---I could never take a chance of losing my spouse based on that. I'd rather press forward hard!! I don't value marriage as much as loyalty. I'm ok if someone tells me...you're not meeting my needs...at least I'd have a chance to make a change.

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@Eliusa,

You're right. Hormones can't be stopped but we are rational beings. There are real reasons we like, love, and start to dislike someone. Our value realization in others can change, but I contend it is not so much a hormone thing but more calculated and rationally driven. We know the possible consequences of all our actions. But we are willing to take the risk once we see a combination of values we are attracted toward in another person.

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@Love Unplugged,

Agree. Most (probably) taking a risk because what is the point of suffering without a sin? Crying yourself to sleep, taking pills to come yourself down,
stressing out, waking up on a middle of the night.
At least if you satisfied yourself you would know WHY.

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@Love Unplugged,

Love Unplugged wrote:

Correct Germlat in regard to stealing intimacy and passion of a current partner. Therefore one shouldn't be with the partner they are 'stealing' from.

this is absolutely job one.

Leave the existing relationship first - be honest with the person you are no longer satisfied with.

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@ehBeth,

What is funny that you saying it as it is the only truth and should be taken as you said it.
My husband 100% would choose to close his eyes on my affair and have me stay home with him. Because he doesn't know how to live without me. Because when I say 'turn off washer or dryer' he says 'I don't know how'.
So I am 100% sure he doesn't want to know that I am having an affair (IF SO)
as long as his soup is on a table on time and his TV is working.

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@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

Because he doesn't know how to live without me.

ha! he can learn

you do great work at rationalizing

_____

give him a chance

the guy deserves an opportunity to be with someone who likes/appreciates him

________

actually, I think both of you might benefit from living alone

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@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

Agree. Most (probably) taking a risk because what is the point of suffering without a sin? Crying yourself to sleep, taking pills to come yourself down,
stressing out, waking up on a middle of the night.
At least if you satisfied yourself you would know WHY.

. How about divorcing and moving on...

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My wife's affair and her lack of desire towards me now

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