17
   

My wife's affair and her lack of desire towards me now

 
 
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 12:42 am
@ossobuco,
ossobuco wrote:

So, like, you're forever a teen?


do you have any idea how many long together couples are either sexless or who have unsatisfying sex? A huge part of the problem is this idiotic ideal that we should be best friends with our mates. Anyone who has experienced how great angry sex can be can spot this BS a mile away.
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 06:29 am
@hawkeye10,
I'm sure many agree with you. But, for other people it's the opposite...some people need to have fused to experience passion.
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 07:29 am
@vikorr,
You suggested he do something about it when: suggested he should seduce her, and the "chase" doesn't stop after you get married. As if there are behaviors he needs to correct in order for her desire for him( I took the word fault away...). Many men don't understand women often cheat for emotional reasons that have not much to do with sex.
JAust
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 04:06 pm
@Germlat,
Yes I very much agree When a couple are fused your whole bodies sensory system is excited and just melts at the touch of that other person. You just want to worship their body all night and wake up in the morning with your bodies still entwined. You enjoy their company in and out of the bedroom and they make you feel alive!
ossobuco
 
  0  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 04:23 pm
@hawkeye10,
I have to be the one to let you know that friends can be exquisite lovers.
Your angry sex enthusiasm probably has closed the curtain for you.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  0  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 04:24 pm
@JAust,
That's nice. Now try that for 50 years.
JAust
 
  2  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 05:13 pm
@ossobuco,
Hahaha Very good' If she is your soul mate. Hopefully you will still enjoy each others company even after fifty years.
ossobuco
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 05:26 pm
@JAust,
Most of my long time friends now chuckle at what we used to call, back in the day, soul mates. I now think of that as enlarged sillyness. Opinions and many enthusiasms flip, even long time ones. Better to pay attention to how someone's mind works, how someone's emotions work. How he or she behaves toward you.
JAust
 
  2  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 05:46 pm
@ossobuco,
Good advice' Basically being/staying in tune with each other. Could that not also be defined as a soul mate
ossobuco
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 06:06 pm
@JAust,
Not by me or others - to us it is a romantic wannabe concept while real people are more complicated and interesting over time. But if you like it, use it.
0 Replies
 
gungasnake
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2014 06:15 pm
@Bestrong1976,
I think you and your wife are both making too big a deal out of sex. Sounds like you're trying to do it too much like on some sort of a schedule and a bit too often and if that's the only interest the two of you have in common, that's a problem as well. You should have at least one other pastime in common, possibly golf or skeet shooting, and you might want to have one other child before getting too old for it, sex is mainly intended for producing children.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 12:58 am
@Germlat,
Quote:
You suggested he do something about it when: suggested he should seduce her, and the "chase" doesn't stop after you get married. As if there are behaviors he needs to correct in order for her desire for him( I took the word fault away...). Many men don't understand women often cheat for emotional reasons that have not much to do with sex.

Hi Germlat...we still can't have an productive, or even rational conversation, because, despite removing the word 'blame', the whole framework of your post (quoted) is still geared towards assigning blame.

You see - in your framework if someone says 'the chase should never stop' you see that as (because you assign blame) equivalent to saying 'it's your fault for stopping chasing'.

In my framework it's simply 'have you considers X, because of A/B/C/D, and do you think it could help you?" or similar.

Further, whereas after assigning blame, the blamer usually stops thinking about it further (because 'it's '####'s fault), or pile on further blame - my framework is very open, and even seeks out every other contributing factor - from both sides.

And in further difference - there is a recognition that we cannot truly control another person (ie make them feel something), but that often, we can lead them to feel something (this, essentially, is a large part of what flirting/courting is, what seduction is etc). Rephrased - there is an inherent principle that we can affect others feeling, but never truly make them feel something (which means we can do much to affect them, but also means we are never responsible for their feelings).

Hence when you see me as posting 'fault': I say - this interpretation of yours is founded in your belief systems, not mine. Fault/Blame doesn't exist.

You say you've removed 'blame' from your post, but it's still there - looking for a full stop.
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 05:45 am
@vikorr,
See it for it's simplicity and don't over analyze it. It's not complicated. It's not uncommon for women to cheat for reasons other than sex. Read the female posts on this thread...see a pattern? I think by saying he should attempt to seduce his wife in order to tempt her into having sex, is assuming he was deficient in his performance some how. We don't know that. I think cheating is deceitful and cruel. That's my opinion. You don't have to agree with it. This is not a moral relativity discussion.
london
 
  2  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 01:25 pm
@Bestrong1976,
Sounds like the lover gave her the thrills that maybe you had with each other at the beginning of your relationship. It will probably be best to have an affair yourself to give her the shock she gave you, don't get mad, get even.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 02:20 pm
@Germlat,
Now you're attempting to divert. For 'trying to overanalyse the reasons for her loss of desire' has nothing at all to do with my last post...which was so very obviously an explanation of the difference between blame, and understanding contributing circumstances.

Quote:
We don't know that. I think cheating is deceitful and cruel. That's my opinion. You don't have to agree with it.
This too, is a deceitful statement, in what it attempts to do.

I rather agree that cheating is deceitful, hurtful, and selfish, and that can can also be other dimensions to it.

Quote:
I think by saying he should attempt to seduce his wife in order to tempt her into having sex, is assuming he was deficient in his performance some how.
This...is not even close to what I said, and again shows an attitude of blame on your part.

As I said - we can't have a rational discussion on this until you lose it - because you will always reinterpret from a paradigm of blame.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 02:27 pm
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:

Now you're attempting to divert. For 'trying to overanalyse the reasons for her loss of desire' has nothing at all to do with my last post...which was so very obviously an explanation of the difference between blame, and understanding contributing circumstances.

Quote:
We don't know that. I think cheating is deceitful and cruel. That's my opinion. You don't have to agree with it.
This too, is a deceitful statement, in what it attempts to do.

I rather agree that cheating is deceitful, hurtful, and selfish, and that can can also be other dimensions to it.


did you see this Vikorr? VERY interesting stuff

Quote:
Slate: It isn’t true that people transgress because something is actually missing?

Perel: We don’t know the exact numbers because people lie about sex and 10 times more about adultery. But the vast majority of people we come into contact with in our offices are content in their marriages. They are longtime monogamists who one day cross a line into a place they never thought they would go. They remain monogamous in their beliefs, but they experience a chasm between their behavior and their beliefs. And what I am going to really investigate in depth is why people are sometimes willing to lose everything, for a glimmer of what?

Slate: And what’s your best guess from your research so far?

Perel: I can tell you right away the most important sentence in the book, because I’ve lectured all over the world and this is the thing I say that turns heads most often: Very often we don’t go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/03/esther_perel_on_affairs_spouses_in_happy_marriages_cheat_and_americans_don.html
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 02:31 pm
@hawkeye10,
Hi Hawkeye - yes, that particular view doesn't surprise me - there are many people who have relationships they are happy with, that engage in multiple affairs....that doesn't necessarily apply in the OP's case, where his wife doesn't experience desire.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 02:40 pm
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:

Hi Hawkeye - yes, that particular view doesn't surprise me - there are many people who have relationships they are happy with, that engage in multiple affairs....that doesn't necessarily apply in the OP's case, where his wife doesn't experience desire.


Here in the states we almost always assume that cheating proves a problem with the relationship. It is the outliers who disagree, for instance there is a train of thought that we have saddled primary relationships with so many unrealistic demands to provide personal fulfillment to both parties that they could not ever hope to measure up. Not sure that this helps this thread OP any, but we should be aware that views on these matters tend to biased, to be shaped by cultural mandates rather than objective truth.
0 Replies
 
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 02:43 pm
@hawkeye10,
I think some people transgress when the lack something and, others are honest. Some business men screw over they're partners when the business is going bad.
Loyalty exists. I don't think there is a need to cheat.
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 02:56 pm
@vikorr,
Your turning things around and distorting what I stated. I never used the word blame.
0 Replies
 
 

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