My wife's affair and her lack of desire towards me now

My wife would agree with you, and to be honest the counselor pretty much said the same thing. It's me... I can't get over the fact that she can't desire me like she did that. It's devastating.... You're right, I am still focused on the affair. I feel like the day that she can show me the attention that she showed to that, then I can move past this. Look, this is so weird because I am a confident, good looking guy, who is very sensitive and considerate, successful career, I don't go out to the bars with the guys, I am a family man, period. The guy she did this with is a loser from her work, not what I would consider attractive for my wife, nothing going for him.... It's so strange. We have determined sort of what was missing before this all happened. From me, it was my lack of making her feel appreciated. Of course it goes much deeper, but to keep it short, that's basically it. Now this loser comes along and daily builds her up at work to the point that she makes an absolutely insane mistake, get's caught up and it goes on for 3 months. Insane! She describes it as a drug...she admits that she wasn't physically attracted to him. She says there was never any change in the world that she'd want to be with him. She says that she told him that she'd never leave her husband. She said that she didn't allow herself to consider the possible consequences....Look, I believe her. I know it's probably hard to believe for some, but I do. Now just want her to want me, period. That word "desire" is tricky, you're right. She sort of says the same thing that you did. "What do I mean exactly by desire?" The best way I can describe is that, during the day I'll look at her and admire her beauty, and I'll feel a "spark", a change in heart rate, and I'll think to myself how I want her at that moment, I think about how I can't wait for that night to make love to her. Well, I don't expect her to have the same level of feelings, but she has admitted to me that she doesn't have those thoughts AT ALL! That's the desire... You know, sex was never a huge part of what made our relationship. We had some really good sex at times, we got a little crazy a few times, but it didn't ever really affect our relationship too much one way or another. Now, I feel so strongly about it. I'm putting so much weight on it, I NEED IT! Not only "IT" but I need to know she wants it from me too, that she WANTS ME! Tell me, where is my head? Am I all screwed up from this affair? Am I being realistic? Someone tell me please!

B.O.R.I.N.G.

Women often say that is the kid of guy they want. Rarely is it so.

Women often say "guys want a lady everywhere else but in the bedroom, then they want a slut"....Women want a family man everywhere else but in the bedroom, then they want a rogue.

Ya, you found out that you dont get her motor running but other guys can. It is a bit of a kick in the head.

Change you.

Very nice response....

What causes her to feel desire? Hmmmm, that million dollar question! My wife is different that some women, I think. The things I already explained, like spending time with family, being social, being helpful, those are all the things she has expressed as her "needs". I've stepped up to the plate and done them all pretty well, I think. It's worked, let me tell you our relationship is amazing now. We are more than best friends, we are a strong married couple right now, I feel. The best way I could explain it is that she is just missing the hormones necessary to feel desire towards intimacy. Whether that is the truth or not is not known for sure, but that is exactly what it is like. After this all happened, my wife went to her doctor in a very emotional state and he put her on a pretty high dose of Paxil that day. She was on that for the first month or two, and we assumed then that it was the Paxil causing her to lack that desire. She could not orgasm at that point and she was just, "numb". She got off of Paxil, and just like that, boom, she was able to orgasm again. She has enjoyed sex, she has. She reaches orgasm most of the time. We still play with our toys, we have fun. I want to make sure everyone understands that. But she just can't find that genuine emotion of "desire" or being "horny" or whatever you want to call it. It's just not there....

I do have a theory. Mine and everyone's first thought of course is, well she was able to find that felling for that idiot, right? Well here's my theory; after we had the baby she changed from a sexual standpoint, which I know is typical. All of a sudden sex was less of a priority. She didn't desire it like she had done in the past. She stopped giving oral sex which we both had done frequently in the past. Semen became "gross" to her. I actually think it was part hormonal and part, just "life". You get where I'm going? Well, I do know that my wife is a sexual person and I do believe that she has needs, obviously. So then a combination of our issues and her lack of self confidence, and appreciation from me opened the door to ******* snake in the grass who fed her all the typical bullshit, until he just flat out made an aggressive move and my wife didn't stop it. At that point I think she felt that "spark" or whatever you want to call it. That crazy intense feeling that we all love to feel. She hadn't felt it for so long, it was like a drug to her, like she said. At that point she got carried away, kept doing it until she got caught. So that's what I think basically happened. Now here we are, but nothing has changed for her. She's still in that "mom" state of mind here with me and I believe that she is still lacking some type of hormone or something. I can't give her an exciting crazy "cheating" experience. I just can't match that. And she's trying so hard to make me happy, and I appreciate that so much, but all I really want is for her to want me, desire me. We all deserve to genuinely feel that, right? And, btw, I really appreciate her honesty. One comment said that she should fake it, well I don't want that. She doesn't have to fake anything, I just want the real her, period. Plus, I can't help but think that if she can't find that "spark", what's to say that years down that road some other douchebag makes a move and she can't resist because of that feeling she's lacking? I don't know... She'd say that I'm way off base with those comments and maybe I am. I just don't know...

You know what, I can completely understand your response and I actually agree to a degree. I am not trying to boast or toot any horns, but I do want to give an accurate impression, ok. When I say good looking, etc, I'm just trying to convey that I'm not a big stinky slob, etc. And, I must convey that I am not boring in bed. I am actually pretty crazy, we both are. We've always said about each other that people must think we're a mormon couple by the looks, but when we get in the bedroom all bets are off. I work hard! We've experimented with a lot, drugs, toys, girls.....seriously, that isn't the problem. Now the relationship she had with the other fuckhead, that was "uneventful". Trust me, I've had discussions with her, as painful as that is, and that situation was bullshit. The dude is a kid.... My wife is actually 7 years younger than me too. They're both younger. That situation was a joke. It was strictly the thrill of the taboo action that was being committed. Call me naive, but I do believe it to be true. We've done a lot a lot of talking about all of this, trust me. We are very honest and open with one another, almost too much sometimes regarding this subject, which could be having an affect on her too, I don't know? Maybe instead of boring, it's that she's too "stable" with me. It's too safe? I don't know, but it's not boring, I HOPE AT LEAST!

Unless you get the focus off your own dick and why you think she doesn't want it so bad any more, you are going to drive yourself crazy.

I have told you it's NOT about the sex. She had an "addictive" relationship with a guy who was not that good looking and - to you - seems like a loser.

Your task is to find out WHY she would seek attention from him and what was it that turned her to the point that she would cheat on you.

Get her to talk about him - ASIDE from the sex - and how he treated her.
I suggest that you do this in front of a counselor.

Ditto

As you may have figured, I do think hormone levels can have something to do with this - not that I'm adamant, but that she could speak to her gynecologist about all this, assuming she likes the gyno. I had a great one for years, and that is an excellent person to have in your life. I won't point to a male or female one - by far the best re both communication with patients and advisory status in the larger medical community was a male but I've had one quite good female one too. The very worst was a female. But.. many women prefer to see females for that specialty. Or, as you were noticing, other meds than the one I took to cut off estrogen pre-op can affect all this, including those like Paxil.

What is going on may be a mix of things - but I'd look into that possibility.



edit to add an aside, the drug I took is also connected to similar diminishment for some men when given for matters related to prostate cancer.

This brings up that mens' desire may fluctuate too. I'm no expert in all that but have anecdotes, eh, from observations by looking around.
That can be from natural hormone levels; lack of pull toward you, the particular female; his having an affair and feeling guilty; his being gay; inebriation sailing over the top; meds for diabetes (I've heard, don't know), and probably myriad other things.

Point is, enjoy it while you have it.

Sorry Germlat, but I don't buy into your view of the world. He is not responsible for another persons feelings, and he is not 'at fault' - which doesn't exist.

After having stated that bluntly - this interpretation/view is the result of your own belief systems, not mine.

This statement comes from your own paradigm, for I have not suggested this - I have conversed about cause & effect, and what he could do to contribute to a growth in her desire.

The decision to do something about it, is his.

Obviously...yet this statement ignores the cause of her desire, which is a question at the heart of the OP, and the one to which I was responding.

Of course she did. As is likely he did as well.

Good for you - are you responding to the OP's question, and who the OP is...or is this just about you?

Adds, maybe meds re cholesterol.

Whatever is going on, I hope it resolves to ordinary happiness.

To me it seems as if you wife feels she is 'missing' something. And I don't meaning missing desire (which is the end result of missing 'something'). Desire is a product of both genetics & association - when we associate something with our in built sex drive, we then desire it more. Sometimes those associations feel so disconnected, that we feel something is 'missing'.

One of the problems is that this link the two of you used to share, is broken...she doesn't associate you with 'desire' anymore, yet she still (obviously) has a sex drive.

These sort of things are difficult, but not impossible to overcome, especially for you - because you most likely still possess attributes that she genetically desires, and came to associate with you (or you would never have ended up with her in the first place). What a persons falls in love about another person rarely changes (sometimes it does as people get older & grow in different directions), even (as a generic statement) after they breakup.

The real problem (in her lack of desire towards you) is what she now associates you with...?

That's why the question 'what causes her to feel desire' is so important.

If you find the answer to that, the next question would be 'how do I reassociate myself in her mind with desire'. I don't think anyone has ever come up with a foolproof answer to this.

What a damning thing to say to a guy who has been with a woman for TEN years. He should know.

Everything I read gets to the conclusion that hubby is overly prim and proper, that he is putting wifey's feet to sleep. She spent 3 months with a low life scumbag from work, which she loved, how much more clear can she be that she needs to be taken for a spin?

Kama Sutra would be a good book to read a this point, perhaps this guy would figure out a few things.

I don't take it that way.

I don't see it as damning at all:

- an enormous % of people end up having affairs (that says something about whether or not people know what causes their spouse to desire)
- many guys end up with a woman by 'trying anything they can and hope for the best'
- what causes a woman to desire is related to, but not the same as 'what they enjoy in bed' (for obvious reasons - just one being, they aren't going to go to bed with just anyone). This is the point you appear to be mixed up on.
- we humans are incredibly complex
- most men admit they don't understand women

Where in there is 'a damning thing to say'?

I cant comprehend sleeping with a woman for ten years and still not knowing what she thinks is hot, what gets her off.

Nothing wrong wirh being best friends...I think that is essential to a great relationship. Don't get confused it's not one without the other. Great sex has nothing to do with that .

Unfortunately I can relate to this story so much that it could have almost been written by myself. I thought my Wife and I were unbreakable, our friends use to make fun of us because we were so close and the only area we disagreed on was on the parenting side. Suddenly my whole world came crashing down on the night she told me about having an affair and left, taking our four children with her. My whole World was totally destroyed. We did the counselling thing, which my Wife gave up on and accused the counsellor of fancying me! Because she didn't like or want to hear what she was being told. I also did a couple of courses on relationships and self esteem and took up Yoga. All this time she was secretly still seeing this guy. Our children started to fold and my Wife went into depression and then I ended up having to take control of the family and keep the kids lives on track. They were so desperate to keep their Mum and Dad together they thought we were such a happy family' and so did I. Anyway she agreed to go back into counselling! Where we were advised by the counsellor to start afresh and move away from our friends and the past and did so, we completely moved State. Unfortunately the Magic never came back. We still had regular sex, but just as you described her face and body language told a different story, something had gone. You can never match the excitement she was feeling in her intense forbidden affair with out any of those responsibilities of home and family to think about, Just the fun and Sex! We no longer lazed around on the couch in the evenings, tide in knots like we use to and we hardly ever held hands and when doing so, it did not feel real! The goose bumps had gone. I stayed another 10 years until all the Kids left school, but in doing so' very much died on the inside. We separated seven years ago. I told her I no longer Loved her.We are still best friends which is great, especially at any family events. But I have become a loner. I really hope you can find the answers, or that key to getting that Magic back. And to anybody reading this! If you have a fairly good relationship always continue to work on your communication with each other and never look to someone outside for the answers it will all go horridly wrong!

A union needs two poles to dance around. Once a couple fuses it is in my opinion impossible to have great sex, nor any passion for each other at all.

So, like, you're forever a teen?