This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
23 Adult Rules
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the
rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I
did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for
men to realize that their brain is also important.
Hotels cost a fortune now days. You can go broke sleeping.
A foursome, on their weekly outing, stands on the fifth green that is next to a street.
One of the golfers is lining up his putt for a birdie when he sees a hearse coming down the street towards them followed by a couple of dozen cars.
The golfer stands up, removes his hat, closes his eyes and bows his head.
The funeral procession moves past and the golfer dons his hat and makes his birdie putt.
His partners remarked that that was one of the nicest gestures they had ever seen.
The golfer replied, "It's the least I could do.
We were married for thirty years."
I don't know why. Golf jokes are the best.
Eric Bronsveld: I was playing with this 85-year-old man recently on a course that I was unfamiliar with. On the third hole, I asked him what's the best part of the fairway to be on, and he replied, "the top."
An elderly man in Florida had owned a
large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, We're not coming out until you leave!
The old man frowned, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked .
Holding the bucket up he said, I'm here to feed the alligator.
The daughter asks her dad, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand.
He is soooo in to his cars and said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick,
I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe..."
First time I heard of that one! Very good.