This is the really GOOD Jokes Thread...

An American tourist in Italy is constipated for a week, but when he arrives in Florence, the water is better and his condition goes away. "With Firenze* like this," he said, "who needs enemas?"

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to, "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic- depressives and Anal-retentive." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Assholes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either.

They finally settled on...

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends."

A man enters a doctor's surgery wrapped in nothing but clingfilm.

"Well", the doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,
two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker replies, "Yeah, well... You started it..."

***

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "'Holy S***! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Really good jokes go on the bad jokes thread.

A man was circling the block searching for a parking spot.

Finally, after the third time around with no luck, he prays:

“God, if you help me find a parking spot, I will go to temple every Saturday,
not just on the High Holidays”

Immediately, a spot opens up, and the man says, “Never mind, I found one...”

***

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

A rabbi and a catholic priest get talking on a train.
"I know you don't eat bacon" says the priest, "but have you ever tried it ?
"Well", says the rabbi, " I must admit I tasted once when I was a kid"..."but tell me, have you have really never had sex ?
"I'm afraid I did do it once when I was younger" says the priest.
(PAUSE)
"It's better than bacon, isn't it !" said the rabbi.

Manny phones his lifelong friend and tailor at 2am.
"Abe, I'm phoning to tell you that I'm in bed with your daughter!"
"So what? She's 25, she's a woman, you're a man. Why're you telling me this?"
"I just wanted to let you know", exclaims Manny, quite out of breath.
"Why now? Why 2am? What is so important to wake me up at this hour?"
"Because finally, Abe, you've made something for me that fits!"

The science teacher took a drink,
but now he drinks no more.
For what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4!!!

I'm a member of a society called HBR: Canadians Against Dyslexia.

I love Al Murray! A very intelligent guy in real life.

I have known at least two pub landlords just like his character.

The documentary series he did on Germany showed he's a lot more than his persona.

I also like Greg Proops ........

"America is England's Fault."

If we're talking American comedian's who've made a name over here, then this guy is right up there.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”