What would you do?

jespah wrote:

One thing about confidence (and the lack thereof) is that it can be taught. Literally, you get up in the morning and say to yourself, I'm going to do great things today. I'm going to do something new, something that scares me. And then tomorrow I can say that it doesn't scare me any more. That's not easy in the beginning, and it may sound hokey, but it does work.

If you, for example, go through life terrified of horses, go to a horse farm and look around. You don't need to ride a bucking bronco. You don't even need to get out of the car. Just go and be there. And then the next day, go to the farm and this time open the door. And then the next, step out for a moment. And you work yourself up to petting a horse and saying hello, and you find out that they're kinda nice critters and most of them are just sweet, patient animals.

and what happens when your experiences are progressively worse and the horse knocks you down and then tramples you?

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Eva wrote:

Camille wrote:
]I'll never understand why he didn't go through with the divorce.

Because he's never been able to let go of his family. That's why. You were fighting a losing battle.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean to be. I know you're miserable right now, and I wish I could say something to take the hurt away. Unfortunately, I simply don't have that power. All I can do is tell you the truth as it appears to me. I think you deserve better than you got, Camille. And I think that despite the loss of your longtime love, you're finally out of a bad situation. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but I do think that someday you will look back on all this and agree.

(((((HUGE HUG))))))

No, it feels pretty devastating and I feel like I am totally broken, not just my heart, my spirit is broken. His "family" was his kids, and now his kids are being taken from him. What "family" does he have left, people that will tell him what he has to do and why he's a bad boy if he doesn't do it? How is this good for anybody? Crying or Very sad

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I'm sure it does feel devastating. I hope you don't think I've been treating this lightly. You have 20 years invested in this thing...of course it is going to take some time to disengage.

Maybe he did make the wrong decision for himself. Or maybe not. Either way, he has decided that you are no longer part of the equation. So what happens to him and his family from now on is no longer your concern. You're going to have to start looking out for yourself. Re-ordering your life. It appears you have made his priorities your own up until now. That has to change.

We like you, and we don't like seeing you suffer. So naturally, we'd like to help you speed up the process...if that is possible.

"...and what happens when your experiences are progressively worse and the horse knocks you down and then tramples you?"

Then you get back up, tend to your wounds, and start over. And next time, you look for a gentler horse.

That's what you do.

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Eva wrote:

I'm sure it does feel devastating. I hope you don't think I've been treating this lightly. You have 20 years invested in this thing...of course it is going to take some time to disengage.

Maybe he did make the wrong decision for himself. Or maybe not. Either way, he has decided that you are no longer part of the equation. So what happens to him and his family from now on is no longer your concern. You're going to have to start looking out for yourself. Re-ordering your life. It appears you have made his priorities your own up until now. That has to change.

We like you, and we don't like seeing you suffer. So naturally, we'd like to help you speed up the process...if that is possible.
.

Today was tough. Had an appointment with the new medication doctor. My old doctor is no longer in the insurance plan. I wanted to get more Ambien and I knew he'd give me Zoloft too.

It was tough. A new doctor, reliving the story again. He found the whole thing rather incredulous. After it was all said and done, he asked what his daughter had to do with our relationship continuing, and I told him that's a question he'd have to ask him, that I had the same question. I told him about his son, his guilt, the going back and forth and the request from his daughter for Daddy to come home, the reopening of fond feelings for his wife because she was so caring to the kids. It made me really sad when he said- "He'll come to regret that decision when he's lost both of his children. He doesn't realize his decisions on those kinds of high emotions are going to cause him more grief in the long run. After all that time with you and those years of back and forth, there can't be any marriage left to revive, and you can't revive a marriage on shared tragedy. Loss of a child can easily tear a good marriage apart". Then he went on to talk about the importance of me building a separate life and to not wait on the hope of what could happen in the future. It's very sad.

I do want to say again how much I appreciate people talking to me about this. I know we've never met and are really strangers but I really do feel you care and it's comforting to know you're there to help me through.

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Hey, we ain't strangers. Well, maybe some of us are stranger than others.

We're reading and responding because we care. Because this is a community. Because just because we haven't met in person doesn't mean we can't be friends.

Your new doctor sounds very smart.

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jespah wrote:

Hey, we ain't strangers. Well, maybe some of us are stranger than others.

We're reading and responding because we care. Because this is a community. Because just because we haven't met in person doesn't mean we can't be friends.

Your new doctor sounds very smart.

Thanks again for your kindness. It is appreciated more than I can express.

My new doctor may be smart but it doesn't change anything.

The fact is that I love him, miss him, and we all lose this way, and that is just so hard to accept.

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Camile's quote, "and what happens when your experiences are progressively worse and the horse knocks you down and then tramples you?"
Many on A2K, including me, has gone through some rough times during our lives. Some of us have picked ourselves up over and over, and what eventually resulted was a life full of rewards that are too many to list. Let me just say this; you have more control over your life than you realize. It's up to you to take on the responsibility for yourself and how your future develops. I've been very fortunate, because once I decided to improve my life (I left home at 17), many, many people were generous to me all along the way. I look back now, and say "wow~!"

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Camille wrote:

Then he went on to talk about the importance of me building a separate life and to not wait on the hope of what could happen in the future.

Your new doctor is a wise man, Camille. He is right. Whether your partner made a good decision or a bad one, the decision has been made.

And you must move on.

In twenty years, this man never did make a full commitment to you. You have no reason to expect that he ever will be able to. You deserve better.

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Eva wrote:

Camille wrote:
Then he went on to talk about the importance of me building a separate life and to not wait on the hope of what could happen in the future.

Your new doctor is a wise man, Camille. He is right. Whether your partner made a good decision or a bad one, the decision has been made.

And you must move on.

In twenty years, this man never did make a full commitment to you. You have no reason to expect that he ever will be able to. You deserve better.

Maybe I do deserve better and I knew it, which is why there were so many arguments about why wouldn't he just file the darn divorce papers. Everything else was done but that one lousy piece. The relationship was very public, everyone knew about us on his side and mine, my friends had all met him and liked him, believed he truly loved me. We'd go anywhere, there was no hiding anything. He'd moved out, he'd weathered holidays and the attempted suicide of his son, He was staying here every minute of his free time and nights, he was there for me in all of my challenges and losses, but still, the papers, although ready, never could get filed because someone else was having a tough time with things, some crisis, and would be upset. The last, the ultimate, a dying daughter asking for Daddy to come home, and not wanting to add additional stress to her condition and worsen it, or repeat guilty feelings like he has with his son, now he's gone. I was pushing really hard the last month about the papers, kept asking why they weren't getting done, what was it he was holding on to. All that time he knew about his daughter dying and wanting him to come home and didn't tell me. I keep wondering if things would have been different had I known, would I have supported him more, been less demanding. Yes, I still ultimately wanted the papers signed and done, it had been seven years getting to this point, and I still believe they should have been done, regardless of his daughter. But I can't help wondering if I hadn't pushed him so hard when he was so overwhelmed with guilt over his son and his daughter's dying request, if things would be different now. I miss him so much. Crying or Very sad

He's been in my life every single day for 20 years!

I keep clinging to something I heard a week ago, that quote about why did he do this to me? The answer, because he's at a different place on his spiritual path. That's the only thing that makes any sense. It doesn't make it hurt less, but it gives me something bigger, something that God is controlling, instead of just total confusion.

I have no clue what to do with me and my life. The obvious start is to find another job that keeps me busier using my skills, but beyond that I'm not interested in finding someone else. I just want to fill the lonely hours and find a few good friends.

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Well, looking for another man right now is pretty premature. You need some time to mourn this loss. Any relationship right now would be rebound and not fair to the guy. So the idea of being with a few good friends and passing your time in a more engaged manner (e. g. being more busy at a new job) is a very, very good one.

It's hard to find work these days, but if you're willing to relocate (and I know you have a topic opened up on that; I don't want to derail this one) that can make it a lot easier. Another idea is to take a class, either related to work (to make you more attractive to a potential employer) or not (for fun). Either way, you'll also have other things filling up your time, and you'll meet people. Will they become your best friends? Maybe yes, maybe no. But you'll be out and about and doing things and that's worth a lot.

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jespah wrote:

Well, looking for another man right now is pretty premature. You need some time to mourn this loss. Any relationship right now would be rebound and not fair to the guy. So the idea of being with a few good friends and passing your time in a more engaged manner (e. g. being more busy at a new job) is a very, very good one.

I just never thought I'd be alone, that he and I would NOT be together unless death separated us.

I used to tell him no matter what happened I didn't want to be an old lady sitting on the porch swing wondering what would have happened if only....
Looks like that's the way it's going to turn out. Crying or Very sad

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You don't need to resign yourself to that fate, and I'm sure you will realize that when you've been able to take some time and gain some distance, which should bring you some perspective. There are other men out there. Other happinesses are possible. Yes, really, they are.

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I am probably going to be an old lady alone, and as searing as that sounds, there are worse things. An old lady with a disgruntled crabby, nonloving perhaps guiltthrottled mate is worse.

Five years past the good times of my marriage I could say I was fine, and now ten years past, I have a little trouble seeing myself get into the tight compromise of daily living together. Now I want a wonderful guy, who of course I love and loves me, to have a joint property with separate wings (hah, having property at all is a luxury).

Tap, tap, tap....

You were nagging during the last bit because he was not making the jump entirely. It is natural. But is a pressure.
And people don't like pressure, instinctively. And not bringing things up for years is no answer either. The human dilemma.

You might at some point be irritated with yourself that you didn't bail out before. That brings more bittersweetness, because there were good years between when you could have bailed and now.

Sadly, and rather baldly, I think that you two going off in the sunset now is very unlikely and that if you did there would be deep doo doo. I don't know that I am right, but it seems so from here.

I agree on the classes. Interesting classes can grab you out of your skin. I learned to draw and paint in the midst of heartbreak quite a while ago. No, I didn't get a new lover out of that specifically, but I did really wake up to new living.

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ossobuco wrote:

Sadly, and rather baldly, I think that you two going off in the sunset now is very unlikely and that if you did there would be deep doo doo.

What does that mean?

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This may be too straightforward, and wrong besides, but I think your walking toward sunset together, happily, is unlikely. Maybe I am putting my own spin on it, with my own jaundiced view. I think your waiting for change, and even having change work out, is fraught with troubles that are apt to not be worth the pain; I think you need to treasure the good parts and move on. I am not all so wise, camille, that's just my take, rather baldly stated.

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I agree, osso. There has been too much water under the bridge. Time to move on.

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I wake up in the morning with overwhelming sadness before I even think. Then the tears come................ It hurts so damn much. I walk around all day in a sort of daze of total disbelief and shock. I burst out crying when I least expect it. I keep hoping he's going to realize what he's tossing away and call. I worry about him and the kids and how they are doing. How does someone who kept telling me up until the day he left ....I love you....we're going to get through this, we're going to be together......just walk away and not remember, not hurt after 20 years? I'll never understand this.

I just noticed that this thread has been viewed almost 1,000 times. It's daunting to think people are watching this sort of vicariously. To everyone watching and participating, I don't wish this kind of pain and tragedy on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Hold tight to those you love while you can and thank God they are there because when they are gone, it's too late. Crying or Very sad

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Ohhhh...Camille

I'm one of the one's reading...I keep coming back.
I didn't see the thread initially and I've not contributed since because there are so many thoughtful responses...and it seemed too late somehow, and intrusive.

These are early days...they're ALWAYS the hardest.

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Camille, My sister's husband passed away three years ago from Parkinsons and a heart attack at the young age of 60. My sister not only took care of her four children alone, worked full time, but took care of her husband who was bed-ridden for about 20 years. Towards the end, Ben could not talk coherently, even though his mind was still sharp. My sister, a devout christian, prayed daily, and believed that her husband would get well. ** My sister is now 60 years old, and is planning to marry a physician that owns several retirement homes. Two of her four children are upset, but I have encouraged her to go ahead with the marriage if that's what she wants to be happy. The idea of her getting married to somebody else was unthinkable - even as recent as two years ago. I think people have inner strength beyond what seems impossible when going through these kinds of experience with their sick spouse. ** I'm not saying your future should be the same as my sisters, but that the sorrow of the moment for most of us passes by with time. I lost my best friend two years ago. The pain is much less today than when I attended his funeral. I hope this gives you some courage and strength. c.i.

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cicerone imposter wrote:

** I'm not saying your future should be the same as my sisters, but that the sorrow of the moment for most of us passes by with time. I lost my best friend two years ago. The pain is much less today than when I attended his funeral. I hope this gives you some courage and strength. c.i.

Was back at the doctor's today, I'll be out of work another two weeks. Anti-depressants don't kick in right away and I'm barely functioning, the smallest effort makes me incredibly tired. No matter how hard I try to stay busy with things that have to get done, kennel club stuff, or just go out for a while, I just burst out in tears at the drop of a hat. The phone never rings at home. The cell phone may as well be dead. It's like I've been buried alive.

I remember a verse I saw once that said-
You came into my house and made it a home
When you left, it became my asylum.

I know the intensity will ease in time, but I don't even want to think about the future right now. At this point I don't know what I want to do tomorrow. Sad

Thanks again for caring.

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