What would you do?

Does "coming home" involve returning to the house in which your "ex" lives?

Good question - assuming it does, and assuming this is you Camille (I am soooo sorry if it is):

I don't think pretending that things are as they were is going to help a whole lot.

Of course the 22 year old wants to return to an older, safer, time, when mummy and daddy could make things better - and I bet you want to, too.

I think the question is how can your 22 year old feel as loved and supported as possible? I do hope the former partners are now ok with each other? if not, this is obviously the time to shelve differences.

I guess I would be trying to find out what sort of love and support my child wanted - that might be met in other ways than moving in immediately...how often to see, does s/he need time with you at night? For you to be there when they wake? To be available at night? How can this be achieved? How much can you and your ex be a team? What does the young person get from you that is different from what they get from your partner? Do they have a room at your new home? Are ou close to your old home? Can you move to be close? I am assuming you ae the mum, if this is your situation - and that right now your child needs lots of physical comfort and tenderness - this may change somewhat when they go through their angry and resentful stages...

Later - if a lot of physical care is needed, I wonder if you having a sleeping space at the home might be good? But also maintaining your space with your new partner?

I will say more as I think it through - but my thoughts are with you so much.

I know you want to do what is right for your child and will do that. BUT don't forget to take care of yourself and your needs too. When your needs are met, you will be better able to take care of others.

I agree with both Dlowan and Sharris. Don't just toss your life, that is not a favor to anyone, in itself. Tough on the new relationship, but then if it is a relationship breaker, that might be better to know now.

Moving back with former mate? eh? Hard to do. If the mate isn't there, I could see being there for great gobs of time. If the mate is, can the new person be there too, at least sometimes, to establish territory first, and perhaps real sympathy? If this is as horrible as it sounds, hospitalization and hospice care will come into the picture. Things may move fast. Hugs to you, if it is you going through this.

yes, the 22 year old wants both parents to live there.

There was never animoisity and any differences were shelved last summer. As a few other posters who know me from a previous board can testify, there is also a 27 year old married child who attempted suicide and was brought back and he now resides in a long term care facility in a permanent vegetative state.

These are the only two children. :-(

So the feelings of wanting to make the 22 year old daughter as happy as possible for whatever time is left are very strong. At the same time, there is no way to know how much time there is.

The 22 year old is having chemo but is still working at her job. She is not incapacitated or unable to work yet.

The 22 year old has never met the new person. The cancer first surfaced two years ago and it was hoped an operation would have caught it all. It was thought best not to put stress on her during that time so meetings never took place. So she's not really aware just how serious the new relationship is. She wants Mommy and Daddy together again. If it was a few months the answer might seem obvious, but if it's really an unnown and could be a few years, should the serious relationship be left behind for the dying child? Is it better to be honest with her or put on a charade?

I think the problem is not with getting marry to that person ,but it is to stay away from your child .....
I think you can stay with him under one ceiling with your new husband or wife to take care of your child .....
And if the child wants his parents with him you have to put a plan to satisfy your son and new husband ...
the answer is with you .... think about that plan and i am sure that you will find it soon or later....
thanks

Honest, in my view, Camille.

What would dishonesty do for your relationship with her? Poison it, in my view.

She is possibly dying, not stupid.

This sounds harsh, but I have gone through two deaths distorted, dis-honoured and deformed by stupid lies (out of my control) - I have also worked with many dying people - in my view, this is a time for deep honesty and truth, as well as great love and compassion.

I think truthfulness with your daughter is treating her, and your relationship, and life, with respect and dignity - as well as treating yourself and her father thus. I think charades are wrong.

My thoughts are with you.

Thanks for your continued thoughts. When I posted this, I wanted it to be just situational but with people assuming it is me making the decision I have to give more information. The person making the decision is my boyfriend and I am the other component in the new relationship. He is very torn and I am far from objective. I was hoping to get ideas from all sides of this.

I agree that moving back there under some false pretense, and threaten the new relationship is bad. I know she's never come to terms about her parents divorce and our relationship because she's never had to deal with me. She was away at college when the cancer first hit and it didn't seem like a great time to force her to meet me. Then dealing with her brother's attempted suicide, it just seemed wrong again. She's close to her mom and she wants mom and dad back together, especially since the divorce was not mom's choice.

I don't see why he has to live in that house to be there for his daughter.
While she is still mobile she will want to be with her own boyfriend and friends, so what is the point of moving back in there if it's just so he will be there when she's finally home? As this goes forward, I have no objections to him being there as much as necessary, but I still feel it's important he keeps his own space and doesn't live in that house. I guess in some ways I'm fearful that the emotions of the situation will bring the two parents closer, even though it would be short lived. Who will he turn to when things get rough? You can't build a relationship again on shared grief, especially when the only thing that kept you together for a long time was the kids, and one is dying and the other may as well be dead.

I think he owes his daughter, and his family, honesty and reality, and to show his daughter that his new life does not change his feelings for her or whether he will be there for her.

I've lost both my parents to cancer, one operable, one inoperable. It's a roller coaster where one day it's up and the next down. Towards the end, when nothing else works, the only thing left is meds for pain and it's usually a hospital or hospice setting. I've tried to explain all this but quite honestly, I'm afraid he will not really understand and think I am just concerned about us. I am concerned, I love him and our relationship is great. I don't want to lose that so I don't know, am I too close to be objective? What's the best thing to do for everyone concerned in this situation, if there is such a thing?

Same for anyone in this situation, in my view - for what it is worth.

I also think it natural for one or more parents in such a situation to dream of coming back together with the other person who helped make the daughter - and was there through the early days...sigh...

Agreed. But are those rational thoughts, especially so soon after the grief over the son?

I would seriously consider going back, or at least some kind of compromise. If you don't, you'll probably regret it later. Its better to regret something you've done than something you haven't done.

Depends how you define rationality, I guess. I think they are EMOTIONALLY "rational" and psychologically make lots of sense.


Do I think acting on them is likely to be "right' in the long term? Almost certainly not.

However, I think your partner needs to acknowledge them, and their naturalness under the circumstances, and understand their emotional well-springs, and work through them both emotionally and rationally. I wonder if there is a counsellor or friend experienced in such matters who might help in this process? Is he a reader? Much is written about dealing with such matters, some of it very good. I think understanding this stuff and normal reactions to it is quite helpful - especially the guilt part - though with the history you recount, I assume the poor man has had to deal with the usual attacks of this in such awful circumstances, and deal with them somehow.

I have probably not attended so much to the awfulness of this for you, Camille - but I am very aware of it....as well as the horror of this for your partner and his ex...

Thanks. There are many facets to this for me, there is fear of loss, there is also grief of what might have been in a future relationship with the daughter. Right now, he's taking some time to think and we're in touch but not seeing each other. He hasn't made that choice, but I'm not sure what I do if he does make the decision to go back. Do I put my life on hold for what could be years, or do I leave love behind and move on?

My answer to you Camille, lies with this quote:

If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.

Blimey Camille - that IS tough.

of course he needs to attend to his daughter and her mother - and to himself.

I guess the thing for you is how much time can you give? How much is it worth to you - how much hope do you have about your future together? Are you able to talk fully and openly with him, and he with you?

Is there a way for you to begin exploring a life without him for yourself? While perhaps giving some time too?

Initially when I first read this - I thought move back in. My child is worth more than anything to me. However, with the twist of living with an ex, it complicates things. I still under most circumstances would move back in. Especially if you have an amicable relationship with the ex, have enough space in the home so that you can have a degree of privacy - own room for example, location - does the ex live in such an area that you can still go to work. I would not move in with any false pretense though. I would introduce my boyfriend, but give your child some notification first. If she is upset of the situation, I would not throw this boyfriend in her face, but give her a chance to get used to it. In other words, I would not have him over, but go visit him and slowly introduce him to her.

This would also be a selfish reason for me and not only to help my child. I would want as much time as possible with my child. If I could affordably take a leave of absence from work if they situation got worse I would.