What would you do?

Once the antidepressants kick in, your energy level will rise and the edginess will ease. Hang in there. You won't always feel this way.

Regarding the poem...according to the dictionary, the preferred meaning for "asylum" is "sanctuary; a place of protection." Your home can be just that. Decide now to start thinking of it as your safe place.

(((((HUGS)))))

I think about how much each of us did out of insecurity, anxiety, guilt and grief in the past year, and how much we vented at each other. It was just so overwhelming with all the different things that were happening and not happening simultaneously. I wish we could have been a team and faced all the challenges together instead of him just internalizing everything and making decisions about us without even allowing me the opportunity to make my own choices about whether or not I would be there for him. He seems to be in self destruct mode and taking a lot of us with him. I can't find one person, therapist or psychiatrist that believes any of this is about resurrecting a marriage, or that it's even possible after living away from there and having so much sharing happen with me during most of the last 7 years. I'm so afraid he will crash and there will be nobody there for him like he needs them to be. Mothers and wives that act like mothers just aren't the same.

I know I miss him so much and wish he was here. (You're probably all sick of hearing this).

I'm trying to trust that God has some plan to all this for everyone involved. That's so hard when God seems to have taken a wrecking ball to so many lives. I'm not closing any doors at this point, don't know if I ever will. You know what they say- God has 3 answers- yes, no and not now. I just have to find some way to trust God and let God's will be done. Anybody figure out how to do this?

Deep breathing, Camille. Deep breathing...

I was thinking that what might be good for both Camille's mind and body would be a massage. I think the power of human touch is amazing. If she could just take an hour or two of pure relaxation...massage those muscles and release the tension in her body.

Would you be willing to go to a massage therapist Camille? I know they aren't cheap, but I think it would be money very well spent.

Life sucks

It really does sometimes.

I'm sorry. I'm just having a really tough time with all this. I've spent most of the weekend crying and sleeping, crying and sleeping. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

Camille, you are valuable as you underneath this all and always have been, but your sense of yourself has taken a blow. Crying is good, mostly, it is grieving and appropriate. When my marriage broke up I cried off and on for weeks, actually going on crying walks at the beach. I really didn't care if anyone saw me, but I didn't see people I knew as it happened. Maybe the endorphins from walking countered the heavy down I felt, or maybe the crying helped. It doesn't change circumstances, but lets out some grief.

Your sense of self will rebound, hang in there.

I don't know what the future holds for me, where I will go, what will happen, or if God will ever bring us back together. I am trying so very hard to find the faith to trust God has a plan and that after our 20 years together, God will find a way to use all the bad things that have happened to turn them to good for us. Maybe God has to take us apart now to bring us back together after we have learned the lessons he wants us to learn and can come back together with honesty, love and commitment. I continually pray to God that he will show each of us the path, no matter where it leads, to peace and happiness. I've tried everything else. My best thinking got me where I am.….. Lost, alone and devastated, wondering if I'll be that old lady on the porch swing, wondering what would have happened, if only….. What do I have to lose?

Camille, I am a little stuck here, since I am not religious and so don't think in terms of God's will or help or praying, although I once did and don't mean to disregard your belief in God's care.

Humans' loving and leaving are very complex; I suppose it is possible you will be together again.

From an outsider's point of view waiting seems a misplaced heroism, or not facing things. It sounds like he has layers of guilt going on, plus emotion, and determination. You are still so close to the being together after the years of other waiting that I am not sure you are looking at things straight on. But I am not there, don't know him, maybe I am missing something.

I don't mean to make you feel worse with this.

Crying and praying are both important, Camille. So are eating and sleeping. Are you doing those things, too?

(BTW, massage is a wonderful thing. I highly recommend it in times of great stress. It has helped me immeasurably.)

Lots of crying, probably not enough praying. I keep trying to tell myself God has a plan, but I don't feel very confident about it.

I'm sleeping ok thanks to Ambien till about the time in the morning he would have gotten up or called me enroute to work. Then I wake up, reality sets in. The doctor doesn't want me to stop taking Ambien for a while, says I need to get rest.

I'm not terribly hungry, but I'm eating a little. I've lost 15 pounds, which is not really bad since I'm overweight. I have quite a way to go before I'm nothing but skin and bones.

I'm going through all the junk in my house and it's bringing up a lot of tears and emotions, but I have to do this in case I can't afford to keep the house, or decide to move. There's no way I could go anywhere with the amount of stuff I have all over the place.

I also rewrote my will today, which was really, really hard. He was the executor and beneficiary. I just don't know where his head is these days or if I could depend on him to take care of things. If it was just stuff I wouldn't care, but my dogs are my kids and they need to be taken care of by somebody I know will be there who will want and love them. I also have a huge collection of memorabilia that I want a friend to have.

It's raining here today, it's like the sky is crying with me.

I grew up Catholic but strayed from the church when the manmade rules became more important than the core of the beliefs. I dabbled in other religions but never really found a "home". It's comforting sometimes to go back to the Catholic church because it's what I know, but I can find God in the mountains or along the shore easier than I can find God in a church.

The last two years I have prayed a lot to God about all of the losses that have taken place, trying to understand, trying to ask for strength and guidance, but I've always had claw marks on those prayers, asking for some specific outcome. Ironicly, just a few weeks before this happened, I prayed an open ended prayer that God show me what he wanted me to do. Then the wrecking ball came. So I don't know if that's an answer to the prayer or if I should be petrified to pray to God for fear it will get worse.

I used to be a very intent Catholic, so I understand. What happened? Long story and many years. But never mind me.
I am glad to hear you are doing what you're doing.

There are a lot of people who have an easier time finding God outside a church...away from all the artifice. Nothing wrong with that...He is everywhere. Even inside you. He is the One who will never leave you.

I wouldn't presume to answer your question about the open prayer. I couldn't possibly know if has any significance. However, every time I've prayed a similar prayer, things have happened. But every time I pray for a specific outcome, nothing happens. I think God does not work the way we expect Him to.

Eat something, okay?

I know what you mean about prayer, except when I pray open ended I usually wind up losing something/someone.

I wish I had faith in God, and what His plan might be. Right now it seems to be for me to be hurting, miserable and alone and missing my love. I'll never understand how he walks away from 20 years like it was nothing worth keeping even a part of. I think about him so much.

I don't always lose something/someone when I pray open-ended prayers. Things just...change. Of course, change can be very disconcerting, but often things have worked out for the better. (Even though it didn't seem better at the time.) You never know what will happen.

I have a story for you. Let me look it up.

THE WHITE HORSE

Once there was an old man who lived in a tiny village. Although poor, he was envied by all, for he owned a beautiful white horse. Even the king coveted his treasure. A horse like this had never been seen before - such was its splendor, its majesty, its strength. People offered fabulous prices for the steed, but the old man always refused. "This horse is not a horse to me," he would tell them. "It is a person. How could you sell a person? He is a friend, not a possession. How could you sell a friend?" The man was poor and the temptation was great. But he never sold the horse.

One morning he found that the horse was not in the stable. All the village came to see him. "You old fool," they scoffed, "we told you that someone would steal your horse. We warned you that you would be robbed. You are so poor. How could you ever hope to protect such a valuable animal? It would have been better to have sold him. You could have gotten whatever price you wanted. No amount would have been too high. Now the horse is gone, and you've been cursed with misfortune."

The old man responded, "Don't speak too quickly. Say only that the horse is not in the stable. That is all we know; the rest is judgment. If I've been cursed or not, how can you know? How can you judge?" The people contested, "Don't make us out to be fools! We may not be philosophers, but great philosophy is not needed. The simple fact that your horse is gone is a curse." The old man spoke again. "All I know is that the stable is empty, and the horse is gone. The rest I don't know. Whether it be a curse or a blessing, I can't say. All we can see is a fragment. Who can say what will come next?"

The people of the village laughed. They thought that the man was crazy. They had always thought he was a fool; if he wasn't, he would have sold the horse and lived off the money. But instead, he was a poor woodcutter, an old man still cutting firewood and dragging it out of the forest and selling it. He lived hand to mouth in the misery of poverty. Now he had proven that he was, indeed, a fool.

After fifteen days, the horse returned. He hadn't been stolen; he had run away into the forest. Not only had he returned, he had brought a dozen wild horses with him. Once again the village people gathered around the woodcutter and spoke. "Old man, you were right, we were wrong. What we thought was a curse was a blessing. Please forgive us."

The man responded, "Once again, you go too far. Say only that the horse is back. State only that a dozen horses returned with him, but don't judge. How do you know if this is a blessing or not? You see only a fragment. Unless you know the whole story, how can you judge? You read only one page of a book. Can you judge the whole book? You read only one word of a phrase. Can you understand this entire phrase? Life is so vast, yet you judge all of life with one page or one word. All you have is a fragment! Don't say that this is a blessing. No one knows. I am content with what I know. I am not perturbed by what I don't."

"Maybe the old man is right," they said to one another. So they said little. But down deep, they knew he was wrong. They knew it was a blessing. Twelve wild horses had returned with one horse. With a little bit of work, the animals could be broken and trained and sold for much money.

The old man had a son, an only son. The young man began to break the wild horses. After a few days, he fell from one of the horses and broke both legs. Once again the villagers gathered around the old man and cast their judgments. "You were right," they said. "You proved you were right. The dozen horses were not a blessing. They were a curse. Your only son has broken his legs, and now in your old age you have no one to help you. Now you are poorer than ever."

The old man spoke again, "You people are obsessed with judging. Don't go so far. Say only that my son broke his legs. Who knows if it is a blessing or a curse? No one knows. We only have a fragment. Life comes in fragments."

It so happened that a few weeks later the country engaged in war against a neighboring country. All the young men of the village were required to join the army. Only the son of the old man was excluded, because he was injured. Once again the people gathered around the old man, crying and screaming because their sons had been taken. There was little chance that they would return. The enemy was strong, and the war would be a losing struggle. They would never see their sons again.

"You were right, old man," they wept. "God knows you were right. This proves it. Your son's accident was a blessing. His legs may be broken, but at least he is with you. Our sons are gone forever."

The old man spoke again, "It is impossible to talk with you. You always draw conclusions. No one knows Say only this. Your sons had to go to war, and mine did not. No one knows if it is a blessing or a curse. No one is wise enough to know. Only God knows."

Re: What would you do?
What a guilt trip! No, you have already made big progress, which is extremely difficult, to have a life that you choose to live. Kids, even adult ones, don't necessarily understand the dynamics in a bad marriage. Love for a parent is unconditional. Love for children, no matter what age, is unconditional. Love for a spouse is very conditional.

You don't owe your son your life. You don't owe him but a very basic explanation of the choice you made for divorce and your wishes to have a future that makes you happy. Don't let this terrible circumstance ruin your future. Kids, no matter what age, don't often get it as to why you choose to leave a marriage. Your son probably never will because he loves his father also.

Chances are good today with recovery of cancer. I don't know the extent, but you may also lose your son. What will you be left after recovery or death? A life you hate. Going back to your marriage will not change the outcome for your son at all. It will dramatically change your life. You have taken way too many steps forward to have a life you want to turn back now. You can and will be there for your son, but you don't need to live with your husband to do that.

What he really needs is your love and support and to know you will always be there for him, not reconciling your marriage. Give him what he really needs. He is speaking out of fear is my guess and possible manipulation on dad's part. Reassure him. Love him. Be supportive of him. He needs to feel that and he wont be afraid making requests such as this.

You never know where this is really coming from either. Dad may be laying hints like, "If the family were together..." My husband has pulled that one, subtle hints with the kids to make them feel sorry for him. It may be a tool of manipulation on your husband's part. It sure wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened to anyone going through a divorce or separation. Things like that feed into everyone's hope for a happy family, but that isn't reality. It is nothing more than a guilt trap when you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Your relationship with your son is completely separate from that of your husband. Because you live separately does not mean that you will not be supportive of your son. You can and will. Explain this to him and give him a lot of reassurance. He probably needs to know that you will be there for him, no matter what more than anything right now. He is probably not feeling so hot and fearful.

I don't know what others wrote. I didn't read all the posts. I would strongly advise to talk to your son. Give him the reassurance he needs. Explain to him that your relationship with his father has nothing to do with your relationship with him at all. Tell him what you want your life to be and why it just can't happen with his father, but make it brief. Tell him you love him and will be there no matter what. He will understand and drop this issue as long as he doesn't feel threatened, which he probably does right now. Get rid of that mistaken belief by being honest with him.

Just my opinion, but I think he needs a lot of support and reassurance, not you moving back in. He mistakenly believes that living separately that he may not get that. You have nothing to feel guilty about, so don't let that emotion eat you up and destroy your future.

My best wishes to you and your family during such a difficult time. When a loved one is ill, they are not the only ones who suffer, so does everyone that cares about them.

Wildflower, I'm afraid you are very confused. Since you have not read all the posts on this thread, let me summarize.

Camille is not married and has no children. She has been involved with a man for the past 20 years who was married for part of that time. He very recently decided to break off their relationship and return to his ex-wife and daughter because his daughter has cancer. It is HIS son who is in a persistent vegetative state. Camille is alone now and quite unhappy about her partner's decision. And I am most certainly NOT laying any kind of guilt trip on her. Quite the contrary.