It was a good instinct that led you to church, Camille. I don't think it's coincidental that today happens to be Good Friday. That is the day when Jesus died...when he, too, felt separated from God.
Don't blame God for this situation, Camille. Your partner made this decision, not God. God did not make your partner's son commit suicide, nor is He responsible for the daughter's cancer. The world can be a very cruel, harsh place at times. Please give yourself time to grieve before trying to make sense of this.
Be very gentle with yourself right now.
There's hardly much comfort now, but when your feelings clear a bit-- I hope you are consoled by the fact that you didn't spend more time waiting this out.
You are beautiful and free to await the love you so richly deserve.
My prayer for you is that the healing begins soon, and that you strengthen. This is a great time to fall in love with yourself. So few of us really do this, and instead consider ourselves "between men."
Good sister vibes to you.
Hugs from me, too. I'm so very sorry.
Eva wrote:It was a good instinct that led you to church, Camille. I don't think it's coincidental that today happens to be Good Friday. That is the day when Jesus died...when he, too, felt separated from God.
Don't blame God for this situation, Camille. Your partner made this decision, not God. God did not make your partner's son commit suicide, nor is He responsible for the daughter's cancer. The world can be a very cruel, harsh place at times. Please give yourself time to grieve before trying to make sense of this.
Be very gentle with yourself right now.
I don't know what to do with me. Everywhere I look are pieces of him.
I can't stop rerunning this all over in my head. I can't believe he's just forgotten everything and is ok with this.
Part of me was ready to take the dogs and head for the west coast but I realized how irresponsible it would be to quit my job and leave my house behind. If I was financially able, I would go far, far away.
We live close, we go the same places. I know it's only a matter of time before we run into each other again.
This is the man I knew was "the one" and at 52 I don't want to start over.
I just want it to be over.
I understand. I wish it were that simple. (sigh)
Don't make any major decisions right now. Give yourself some time. You're going to have to replay this in your mind for awhile before you can accept it. A short vacation might be called for, though, if you can manage it. Sometimes getting some distance helps to put things in perspective. Do you have a good friend out of town that you could visit? Someone sympathetic but entertaining?
That's a good idea, Eva. Maybe there's somewhere close you can go that takes dogs?
Hope this doesn't sound trite.
See Under the Tuscan Sun.
It was so bouyant. There is new life at every stage, and every door that closes behind you means you've entered a new space. You just have to open yourself to it. (Doesn't require buying a home in Tuscany. :wink: )
Better things are coming your way.
Oh Camille - I am so sorry.
Of course it wasn't you - as people have said - parental love and guilt has made him want to undo the past few years.
Re your grief - ain't no way out but through - your feelings are normal .... and they will (slowly) get better. You know that - but there is no way to avoid the pain. Talking with people who care, sometimes, helps though.
Please keep talking with us, your therapist - friends - all that - you're no baby - you know what to do.
I suspect, for now, and maybe forever, your ex has projected onto you his guilt and regret - he thinks by rejecting you, he can turn back time. This is silly thinking, of course - but makes sense once you get inside his mind.
This appalling series of tragedies does not make the love you had with each other any the less real and wonderful.
As Soz, I think, said, for any relationship to survive all this would be a miracle. Think of all the marriages destroyed by the loss, or terminal illness, of a child - I know, I grew up in one - this is an emotional holocaust - so many of our deepest psychological selves are tied up in a child - and in a marriage - so many crucial relationships from our pasts play themselves out in this parenting thing. The tie with a child is so deep - the survival of our species has depended on it - it is at our core.
Of course you are doing the "if only I had been thinner" etc stuff - you are a goil! We all do that crap - but, more than that, you are in the midst of real trauma - we prefer to believe that we did something to make this happen (just as your fella is doing) rather than face the true horror of the randomness of fate and the thread on which all our lives and relationships hang.
I think everyone here knows the awfulness of losing a loved man (or woman) - here again so many of our other, older, loves are enkindled and join the dance of grief. Yo lose one through random horror, and not through the intrinsic dynamics of the relationship itself - well, that really hurts.
You will get through, love - please look after yourself - cry, rage, exercise - talk - do what you need to do. But you'll get through it - by experiencing the pain, as you are.
It's weird Camille. Before I had children I would have felt like you. After having children, I feel much differently. Granted my children are still very young so perhaps the feelings change some what as they get older and more independently, but I would give anything for my children. Have you ever seen the movie "John Q"? If so, to me what he did was not unreasonable.
I just read your last posts - I am very sorry. I wish you the best. At church on Easter one of the things the minister said was "Do not be afraid". He listed everything from silly things, as in I had a bad hair dye job to I was diagnosed with an incurable disease - and he used the words of "Do not be afraid".
I agree with Eva - a short vacation perhaps where you could be pampered - you desire it! It won't be the long term solution of course, but perhaps can give you a little pick up.
Linkat wrote:It's weird Camille. Before I had children I would have felt like you. After having children, I feel much differently. Granted my children are still very young so perhaps the feelings change some what as they get older and more independently, but I would give anything for my children. Have you ever seen the movie "John Q"? If so, to me what he did was not unreasonable.
I just read your last posts - I am very sorry. I wish you the best. At church on Easter one of the things the minister said was "Do not be afraid". He listed everything from silly things, as in I had a bad hair dye job to I was diagnosed with an incurable disease - and he used the words of "Do not be afraid".
I agree with Eva - a short vacation perhaps where you could be pampered - you desire it! It won't be the long term solution of course, but perhaps can give you a little pick up.
Right now all I want to do is go to sleep and stay asleep.
That is the depression talking, Camille. I know it well. You must force yourself to go out and do things. I still think a change of scenery would do you good. You can't sleep all day when you have a travel schedule to keep.
Been wondering how you have been, Camille. I hope you are at least eating and exercising a bit? Sometimes grief makes you feel like just sleeping - but let u sknow how you are, huh?
I just read a blurb for a book called "Jim's Dog Muffins". It's about a boy whose dog (Muffins) has died... his classmates try to cheer him up, and then his teacher says, "Jim needs some time to be sad."
I love the idea of you getting out, traveling, all of that stuff. I can also see that you just need some time to be sad, though. It's hard to figure out when that time is up and when you need to push yourself out of it, but it's awfully fresh now.
As dlowan says, though, make sure not to neglect the basic stuff.
Do you have a support network, friends, people who can take care of you during this time?
Eva wrote:That is the depression talking, Camille. I know it well. You must force yourself to go out and do things. I still think a change of scenery would do you good. You can't sleep all day when you have a travel schedule to keep.
I came across this today. Problem is I don't know what is valuable and what is not anymore.
REFLECTION FOR TODAY
When I clean a drawer, I do not just rearrange the mess inside, I dump out
the contents, throw away the things which are no longer usable, and keep
only that which is valuable. I need to "dump" myself out to my Higher
Power, throw away attitudes and behavior that have been hindering my
relationships, and keep only those ideas which build and strengthen me.
MEDITATION FOR TODAY
Grant me the courage to take an honest look at myself.
TODAY I WILL REMEMBER
I trust that my Higher Power will help me know what to throw away and what
to keep.
sozobe wrote:Do you have a support network, friends, people who can take care of you during this time?
No, that's part of the problem. I really don't have anyone local to be with.
dlowan wrote:Been wondering how you have been, Camille. I hope you are at least eating and exercising a bit? Sometimes grief makes you feel like just sleeping - but let u sknow how you are, huh?
Sad, lonely, teary, tired, exhausted, listless, depressed, hopeless...just a few of the words that describe how I feel.
I don't feel like eating. Had a bowl of soup yesterday. That's it since Friday. I've lost 8 pounds since then! I could stand to lose weight but this isn't the way to do it.
Camille, you MUST EAT! And get some exercise. Your resistance is down right now because of the grief, and getting sick would only make you feel worse. You must take care of yourself right now. Eat...whether you feel like it or not. And take a few extra vitamins.
The goddess speaks sooth....
Seeing a bit extra of your therapist? Got a good local doctor, to keep an eye on you?
This whole thing has been a tragedy of Sophoclean proportions - no wonder you are wrung out.
Don't you go doing a goddam Camille on us though, you hear?
dlowan wrote:The goddess speaks sooth....
Seeing a bit extra of your therapist? Got a good local doctor, to keep an eye on you?
This whole thing has been a tragedy of Sophoclean proportions - no wonder you are wrung out.
Don't you go doing a goddam Camille on us though, you hear?
No, I'm not seeing extra of the therapist. I have an appointment on Thursday but after what happened in her office I sort of feel betrayed by her. She did nothing to try to make him explain why one day we were going to get through this and be together and the next day his feelings had changed and he wanted out of the relationship. I felt she pushed him into ending it that day. I'm not sure if I want to continue with her. There are a lot of trust issues.
I did make an appointment for Monday with an actual doc for medication management. I hate the damn antidepressants but I think I need them this time.
