sozobe wrote:What I want to emphasize with the parental irrationality thing is that I don't think his willingness to entertain the possibility has anything to do with you, at all.
So why do I feel like if I was thinner, better looking, more loving, more understanding he wouldn't even think of leaving us? That's not rational either but that's how I feel. Why am I not good enough to hang on to?
Yep, it's all a big morass of irrationality. I understand your perspective, I can understand what his might be (I don't know enough.)
At the very least, I hope you guys have some good conversations. Counseling together sounds promising.
This is so heartwrenching.
Camille, so sorry for your loved one, his daughter and you.
Couldn't advise--but, if she were my daughter, I'd forget myself and spend that time with her. Things may not go as she'd wish with my soon-to-be former husband--and I'd make that clear before I moved back--but I would give more than a couple of years to my dying child--no matter what that meant to my personal life.
Does the daughter just want the proximity? Could you be a part of her life,too--or is this all about getting mom and dad 'back together?'
Sofia wrote:--but I would give more than a couple of years to my dying child--no matter what that meant to my personal life.
That's what I have been trying to get at -- I think that is default mode for most parents. Well said.
sozobe wrote:Sofia wrote:--but I would give more than a couple of years to my dying child--no matter what that meant to my personal life.
That's what I have been trying to get at -- I think that is default mode for most parents. Well said.
Never having children myself, I don't understand it. Seems everyone else you claim to "love" is expendable and who cares if they get hurt.
Sofia wrote:Does the daughter just want the proximity? Could you be a part of her life,too--or is this all about getting mom and dad 'back together?'
His townhouse is 10 minutes away. She says she misses him and wants him to come home. However, the past three months she's always too busy with the boyfriend and other friends to get together with him. So he's supposed to come home and just be available to her whenever she decides not to be busy and then of course be there at the end.
No, having me as part of that life wouldn't be an option for her. It's all about getting mom and dad back together, returning to some memory of days gone by when it was a happy family.
That's definitely whacked. I hope they realize it.
Camille, I didn't get it either before I had my daughter. Sorta, but not really. (And I usually frown on the concept that you have to experience something to understand it.) It's certainly not fair to you, who has done nothing to deserve such an emotional quagmire. My main thing is just that his involvement in it is understandable, and not necessarily anything that has to do with you or how much he values your relationship.
sozobe wrote:Yep, it's all a big morass of irrationality. I understand your perspective, I can understand what his might be (I don't know enough.)
At the very least, I hope you guys have some good conversations. Counseling together sounds promising.
There won't be counseling together. He's agreed to go once with me to my therapist tomorrow. He's no closer to deciding anything than he was a week ago.
Easter will be the pits. He'll be spending it with his parents, sister and of course his daughter. I'll be spending it alone. It the anniversary of my mom's death. Both my parents are gone and my only sibling lives in another state.
All I keep thinking is "How can he just throw me away?"
No love is expendable, Camille. I'm sure he is struggling with this, even more so if he knows it is hurting you.
Children always come first to parents, though. It's not a rational thing...it's biological. We're wired that way so that the next generation will survive. And those instinctive feelings don't stop just because a child turns 18 or 21...or even 65 for that matter. They are always your baby. Don't blame him for being a good parent. If he didn't love his daughter enough to want to make her last months/years as good as possible, he wouldn't be a man you'd want.
That said, I really hope he thinks this through and sees that presenting a false front can only make a bad situation worse for everyone involved.
Hugs to you, Camille. What a difficult position to be in.
I wouldn't lie to the child, or pretend. That has been said here by others, and I agree completely.
If I could get the child to understand that, and she still wanted me to move back, I would. But, not while she was well enough to work. During the healthier time, I'd call and ask her to do things with me constantly--and the person I loved would sometimes be with me. When she became debilitated, I'd move in.
Bless your heart, and theirs.
sozobe wrote:That's definitely whacked. I hope they realize it.
Camille, I didn't get it either before I had my daughter. Sorta, but not really. (And I usually frown on the concept that you have to experience something to understand it.) It's certainly not fair to you, who has done nothing to deserve such an emotional quagmire. My main thing is just that his involvement in it is understandable, and not necessarily anything that has to do with you or how much he values your relationship.
If he values our relationship, there are alternatives. I'm not about to stop him from spending as much time as he wants with her, but moving in there? For what? So he can be there as she comes and goes? As this progresses and she gets worse I expect he would be there most of the time, but I still don't see the need to live there and sleep there when he's only 10 minutes away.....not until the very, very end when you stay round the clock as death approaches.
Camille--
Thinking of his other child's death-- he must be a complete disaster. I feel so sorry for you both.
Thanks all for being there to talk to. I'm feeling really sad and alone right now.
ttyl
Camille, you're absorbing being cut off, if not entirely, somewhat, maybe soon to be more, and if you even argue you might be taken as being difficult. I would feel alone too.
But he has good reasons for his confusion, and really does seem very confused, not at all a jerk.
I also see it is difficult to live your life as the reactor to his decisions, though we all do that from time to time, sometimes for years.
I guess you need to know some things. Whether he wants to be alone, feels you are an added pressure, or wants your support. Trouble is, when you're there, he may feel the pressure and writhe under it, and if you leave, he may feel bereft by that. What a pickle.
Gawd, this is just terrible all around. Counseling, of course, is good and I hope it's helping to vent there and here on A2K. And I'm sorry about how Easter is shaping up. Holidays, argh, holidays stink for a lot of people. I know that doesn't help much but it's the truth. Holidays can be just a bundle of expectations when all you sometimes want is to think of them as another page on the calendar.
Is there a way, perhaps, to defuse some of these feelings? Do you go to church? I take it Easter is a church-going holiday in addition to being a family-get-together-type holiday (bear with me, I'm Jewish, helfino from Easter).
What I mean is, perhaps giving the holiday a different spin might help this weekend. It doesn't have to be church, of course - I dunno - maybe Easter can be your day for a pedicure and a trip to a local park or whatever it is you like to do. Make your own traditions, ones that are tied into how you feel and not tied into a ritual that you are right now separated from and that's making you upset.
I dunno, I'd suggest a seder but that might be offbase. :-D
I'm so very sorry for you. I don't think there is anything I could say to make you feel better. If there were, I would say it in a heartbeat and make your pain go away.
If there is anything you need, just let me know.
Oh, Camille! I am so sorry. How awful. I know your heart must be breaking. I wish things had worked out differently for you. (((((HUGS)))))
Oh no, Camille. I'm so very sorry.
If it is any consolation, and I doubt it is, I don't see how any relationship could survive this kind of horror. Especially when guilt is such a large part of this, as it always is with suicide... but it sounds like, from the timing, that guilt is crippling. He left his wife, then his son commits suicide (de facto if not technically complete), then his young daughter is stricken with aggressive cancer -- it would seem like a punishment meted out by vengeful gods to the most agnostic, rational type, I'd imagine.
"It's not you, it's me", is always cold comfort, though, isn't it.
Hugs.
sozobe wrote:Oh no, Camille. I'm so very sorry.
If it is any consolation, and I doubt it is, I don't see how any relationship could survive this kind of horror. Especially when guilt is such a large part of this, as it always is with suicide... but it sounds like, from the timing, that guilt is crippling. He left his wife, then his son commits suicide (de facto if not technically complete), then his young daughter is stricken with aggressive cancer -- it would seem like a punishment meted out by vengeful gods to the most agnostic, rational type, I'd imagine.
"It's not you, it's me", is always cold comfort, though, isn't it.
Hugs.
The vengeful gods............ I didn't know what to do or where to go, so I went to church. I kept staring at the cross and asking WHY? I listened to the service, of how we should trust in God, but my trust in God is shattered. I left halfway through the service so I could get out of the building and cry.
