Guess what guys! Im gonna be a big sister! :)

Ms GG,

You know, I have a step-daughter she's 14, pretty sure I told you about that

It was quite difficult at first but just like you said, she knew I was trying, and was nice to her and the brick wall eventually came down... She even states I am her other Mother. It's kind of beautiful and I'm grateful.

What's hard is for you, is hard for them too. I mean, they deserve to find happiness right? Dad on his own, no life, no hugs, no one to share with. Do you know in like 4 years you are an Adult ? So, who knows where you will be then.

But they have years and years hopefully of being together, bringing up YOUR little brother/sister, until that child is 18... All over again, so they need each other and they need a bigger house as she has children too.. This is their chance, their new beginning.

Guess what? You have facebook, you have telephones, computers, and you WILL remain friends with all those that are important to you.

But, you too will have new beginnings.. New friends as well as the old ones, how exciting really to be given that chance, plus a new family to be a part of. A Mother figure there for you, helping you pick out clothes, nail polish, etc if you will let her.

This is going to be a great journey for you. Don't see the negative. That's really only your old friends (current). Ensure you stay in touch with them, find ways to get to see them from time to time as well. Think positive. You know your Dad loves you very much.. Have fun with this and enjoy something new and exciting... OK or else

I do get what you're saying, Gracie.

There can be two separate parts to this.

Part one: It sucks (especially the moving), and it sucks that it's not your fault but you have to deal with the consequences. It's natural to be upset about that.

Part two: What do you do about the fact that you're upset? If you act bratty, everyone just gets grumpier and everyone is unhappy, but nothing changes for the better.

That doesn't mean that you can't honestly and respectfully express your opinions about this whole thing. Failing to do so might make it harder to rein in the brattiness (and again, the brattiness doesn't help anything, though it may be satisfying in the moment -- it'll make things worse long-term).

What do your brother and sister think about moving? It does seem like there must be larger houses in your current school district. Is the decision to move to another district final?

I missed you too!!!

Re: Katie ...
You can't know this yet, really, but your whole world is about to expand. Once that baby gets here, you will forget about a lot of the things you're worried about now, because you will fall in love with that baby. And you will look back at this time and wonder how you could ever have wished things would stay the same. I guarantee it!

The thing is, life keeps on changing. No matter what we do, or how much we like the status quo, or how hard we fight it, life keeps on changing. It's up to us to decide whether we will accept it gracefully or with resentment. If you decide it's going to be a bad change, it most certainly will be! But if you decide it's going to be a good change, you will have taken the first step in making it so. But whatever you choose, you can't stop the changes from coming. So I think you'll find life is much easier and more pleasant if you just accept that you can't control a LOT of things, and make the best of whatever changes come along.*


*Note to self: Copy and post this where I can reread it daily.

She is not messing everything up. It is her life, her love, his life and his love, and their child and your baby sister or brother. Your perspective is all about you - which I and the rest of us get.

That life can change is often good.

Actually, it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. I have a few cousins that live in Toronto too and we did tons of stuff. We went to this HUGE mall (actually everything in Toronto seems bigger than where I live) and my grandma was really awesome and bought me tons of new outfits. So when I go back to school no ones gonna have the same clothes as me because I got them from a different country! Then I went to the mall with my older cousin Jamie. Canada doesnt really have stores like in America. You know like Hot Topic, Pac Sun and LuLu*s ? Those are my favorites but they have other awesome stores that are in the U.S. like Forever 21, and Spencer's. I bought tons of stuff from Aeropostale too.

We went swimming(of course) and I was learning how to swim better above water. I can swim under and above but I swim under wayy better because its easier. We went to the movies alot because I really love going to the movies. We went roller skating and bowling (bowling sucks). And we went to Wonderland!!! It was soo awesome and I had so much fun! Me and my sister got on everthing except for the baby rides and. It was really awesome and people in Canada are just really nice. We drove all over Toronto. My grandparents took us anywhere we wanted to go.

And when I wasnt out doing stuff I didnt really mind just hanging out with my grandparents at their house. They're not as terrible as I remember. I mean, they're strict but they've kinda backed off a little. My grandma's still really nice and my grandpa's still sorta a jerk but not all the time like before. He's sick too. I dont think its all that bad but who knows. Visiting them this time was kinda like how it was when I lived with them when I was younger. Me and my grandpa used to be super close. It was kinda fun hanging out with him too. He played Uno with me, I taught him how to play Speed and we played Dance Revolution on the Wii. It was fun. Me and my grandma talked about a lot of stuff and we watched old movies (I hate old movies but she likes them so I tried to watch) and when they were over she watched some of my fav movies with me. It was nice. I love my grandparents alot. They're gonna start visiting California more and Im visiting them again next summer of course. Alot changed in a few weeks.

And church wasnt soo bad. I was bratty and sulky the first few times they made me go but people at church were really nice too so it was hard to stay angry about it. And the music's okay even though the lyrics dont always rhyme. They had a nice band too. I'm still not Christian and Im still kinda pissed that they made me go but It wasnt that bad and religions kinda interesting even though I dont believe in it.

So yeah, Ontario was fun and beautiful and awesome and I wish I lived there. I really missed my friends and my dad though.

Hi Soulie,

Yeah. Paige right? I remember.

And yeah, they deserve to be happy and everything but their 'happiness' is ruining my life. I really am trying not to be selfish but the whole thing is just so unfair.

Cellphones and computers maybe but me and my dad are fighting about facebook.... And besides, that isnt the same as hanging out with them in person.

And I dont even know how to make new friends, especially in high school. I've known all my friends since we were really little. And who says the kids at my new school are even going to want to hang out with me? They're gonna be 2 years older.

And doing stuff like that with Katie is fun but I dont want a 'mother figure'. I wanted my real mom not just someone who's only gonna care about me because she's with my dad.

Being positive is hard when everything sucks.

Thanks sozobe.

What do I do sozobe? I know that being bratty doesnt help but I cant pretend to be happy about it. I mean, I could 'honestly and respectfully express my opinions' instead of yelling like I always do but thats still not gonna change anything so whats the point?

No ones happy about moving except for Dad. Matt has a girlfriend so at first he was mad because he wouldnt be able to see her if we moved too far away but he's getting a car soon so he doesnt even care anymore. My sister doesnt want to move either but she loves Katies so she isnt really mad about anything else. And I know Im always saying how much I hate my school and I hate this town but my friends are here and I've been here for practically my whole life. I dont want to start over somewhere else.

My dad and Katie aren't sure where we're moving. He told us he was thinking about moving on the phone when we were in Canada. (Told not asked. He doesnt even care what we think ) He said he was looking but he wasnt sure yet. A few days ago I overheard him and Katie talking about moving to a city around the Bay Area so thats like 2-3 hours away.

How many years til you leave for college?

Yeah, your right Eva.

I cant change it so I might as well suck it up and make the best of it. Im trying.
Thats awesome advice Eva. I'll keep it in my diary with all my other thoughts and quotes and stuff. I wont forget it.

I'll be starting my sophomore year this August so I have two more years. I'll be 16 and I'm still deciding if I wanna stay home for a year and take my college classes online. My dad wants me to actually, so I probably wont do it.

yeah. I have something almost exactly the same in my diary from 40 years ago. turned out hamburgboy was right. I did like being a hospital volunteer. A lot.

but anyway - you'll only be with your dad another 2 or 3 years by the sounds of it

He and Katie will hopefully have many happy years together.

It would be nice if you could be part of the happy memories they have of the next few years but it's pretty much up to you how you handle your own behaviours and reactions.

So Toronto turned out to not be so horrid this year.

Maybe the next couple of years with your dad's developing family will also work out ok.

Try to be open-minded.


and don't yell. It just pisses people off.

She is, just not on purpose. Just because she doesnt mean to doesnt mean shes not doing it...

Oy sweetie, I know that you want things to be as they were - you, your sister, brother and your dad, but it's something of the past now. Life is ever changing and your father really sacrificed his life for almost 14 years to raise you and your siblings. He was a dedicated single father by choice as he knew that the three of you needed him.

Now that you're teenagers and less needy, he deserves to have a chance to be happy in an adult relationship and everything that comes with it.

Remember how you told us that you want to be treated like an adult and
that you are mature enough to handle everything? Well, this is your chance to show your father how mature you really are.

Show your father and Katie how happy you are for him and how accepting you are of Katie and her kids (do you get along with them?). I am sure it breaks your father's heart when he sees you being openly frustrated and not accepting of your new living situation. He has done everything in his power to make you and your siblings happy for all these years, now it's your turn to return the favor.

Even if you move to a new and bigger house in a different city think of the positives: your own room, meeting new people and perhaps the new school is so much better than your old one. Many kids switch schools during the years, some move thousands of miles away with their parents and they always make new friends - my daughter included. It took her only 2 days to make new friends when I moved her in 5th and 7th grade to different schools. It's always exciting to meet new people and you still will have your old friends you can visit and/or talk to daily on facebook or via email.

Basically it's really your own mind set, Gracie - the more you put blinders on the more you'll be disappointed. Remove the blinders and embrace the new things in your life and the new opportunities you're going to have.

Let's face it: your life will change, if you want to or not - so make the best of it and change with it. Chin up and show your father that he can count on you! He so deserves it and wants to get your validation!

You make it sound like it's all on me... but I guess your right. I dont know. I mean, I cant help it if I'm upset. No one can control how they feel. But I guess I can stop being such a brat when I do get upset. It just bothers me when I feel like my dad isn't listening or he doesnt care what I think.

Yeah, maybe it will. I'll try.
I'll work on the not yelling too.

Thanks ehbeth.

You're not responsible for the situation, but you are responsible for what you do about it. How do you want this to move forward, and what can you do to achieve it, at least in part? The answer will likely involve some kind of deal with your father and his girlfriend, in which you get some of what you want in exchange for some of what they want---like being a happy family. Less likely, much less attractively, but still possibly, it may involve specific threats, like for example, "you can move to another city, but if you do I'm moving in with my mom."

But general obstruction will certainly not get you any of what you want. So by all means, figure out specific goals you want to achieve in your extended family's life. Then think about specific things you can do to get there. Good luck!

Gracie, you were predicting gloom and doom about having to stay with your grandparents, but you wound up having a good time and feeling closer to them. It really wasn't a bad experience at all. Things you worry about beforehand don't always turn out to be bad, and, in fact, you did learn, and enjoy, and discover, all sorts of positive things that you hadn't imagined or anticipated. And, on top of that, you gained a lot of new clothes. So, you can't always predict how things will turn out...

What's going on in your family right now is disruptive for you, and it's unfamiliar, and you aren't sure where your life is headed in terms of a move, or a new home, or a new school. And you don't feel in control of any of it. That sucks. It's anxiety provoking and very unsettling. I can understand why you feel upset.

Life is always full of surprises and changes, some of which seem immediately pleasant and wonderful, and others just disrupt our sense of security by altering things we've taken for granted in ways that we're not happy about. That's life. You can't stop change from happening. And part of growing-up, in the sense of maturing, is learning to roll with the punches, learning how to accept and adapt, and learning (hopefully) how to deal with the emotions that change generates so we don't let feelings, like anger, make a difficult situation worse, or snafu possibilities for future happiness.

You're entitled to feel angry, and upset, and confused, and even a little bit scared, right now--your familiar world has just been altered and you don't know what's coming next and how it will affect you. And Katie may be a handy scapegoat for those feelings because it seems easy to blame her, and your dad, for doing things that wind up affecting you, and having consequences in your life--like being in love, having a baby, and forming a new, blended family unit. That sort of blaming and scapegoating, while understandable, won't help you one bit. It can only wind up damaging your relationships and it really won't help you deal with whatever changes are going on, and might be looming in the future.

Your challenge right now is to figure out a better way of handling your feelings rather than acting on them by being bratty, or sullen, or argumentative, or yelling. I know that's easier said than done, particularly at 14--I was once there too. But you're much better off talking things out, simply talking about your anger and confusion, with your dad and Katie, without accusing or blaming them--just express what you are feeling, so they can understand and appreciate what you are going through. Don't try to make them feel guilty, don't try to manipulate them to bend to your wishes, just tell them how you are feeling and what you are concerned about. Just being understood is important, very important, so help them to understand you.

And, the other thing you should do is just take these changes one step at a time, as they happen. Don't worry now about going to a new school, it's not something that's at all definite, so why worry in advance. Just deal with what's going on right now--like a lot of new people living in your house, and suddenly having an adult female in your house--and your dad sharing his time and attention with those people. Everyone in your house is going through a period of adjustment, including Katie and her children. BTW, how many children does she have? Do you get along with them?

A new family unit is forming and emerging for you, and it's going to include Katie, and soon, a new baby brother or sister for you. Things aren't the same as before, but, I hope that, as time goes on, and the unfamiliar becomes more comfortable, and part of the fabric of your life, that you will find your newly expanded family enriching your life and providing you with even more love and support than you had before. Adding good people to your life is a lot better, and easier, than losing them. Things may be awkward, and confusing, and unsettled, now, but, hang in there, you may be pleasantly surprised by how things turn out. Think positive.

I'm not sure it is wise to advise Gracie to try to make "deals" in this situation, and I think that even suggesting she use "threats" is extremely unwise, although it is clear you are not encouraging her to do that.

The only thing really under Gracie's control in this situation is how she chooses to respond to it, in terms of her emotional reactions and her behavioral reactions. She is not on equal footing with the adults when it comes to major decisions like where this family will live, and whether they will buy a new home and she'll have to attend a new school, and trying to pressure or blackmail those adults into doing what she wants them to do is not only likely not to accomplish anything, it will just create more stress, for her and the rest of the family.

Her father and his girlfriend already know she's not happy that the situation in the home has changed, and they know she doesn't want to leave her friends or school. But the size of this family just doubled, and their housing needs have apparently changed, and Gracie's wishes aren't the only consideration--making a move may be both inevitable and necessary, and Gracie has to come to terms with that, without making deals or threats about her cooperation in the matter.

I'd rather suggest to Gracie that she become actively involved in the plans for any possible move--that she become included in house hunting expeditions, discussions of pros and cons of various locations and neighborhoods,etc., because that's the most effective way of registering her preferences. Realistically, she may have no real say in whether or not the family moves, because that's her father's decision to make, but she can express preferences about a particular house or neighborhood.

Suppose her father had to move the family because he became ill, or because he lost his job, or because he got a better job in another location, she'd have to go along with those moves too, and without negotiating her cooperation about it, if she really wanted to maintain a good relationship with her dad. She's part of a family and she can't, and shouldn't, just think of herself as a separate entity. Her dad is responsible for this family, and he's the one supporting them, and he'll make a decision that he feels is in everybody's best interests, and, while Gracie can, and should, express her preferences, he's going to have the final say, deals or no deals.

I appreciate how difficult this situation is for Gracie, and I think you do too. And Gracie is, fortunately, mature enough to recognize when she's being bratty and difficult to live with. She shouldn't make deals that include continued brattiness on her part, unless she gets what she wants, or even some of what she wants, in this particular situation, simply because this situation involves too many other people in this family, beyond just her dad and Katie, and those people are also affected by her behavior in the home. This isn't like negotiating something--like her use of Facebook, or wearing make-up, or dating a particular boy--that mainly involves just her. This is a fledging new blended family, and Gracie's future happiness may well be tied to how well that new family, and all the people in it, function in concert.

Sure, if she can negotiate, or work out compromises, without being disruptive or downright unpleasant, I'd encourage her to do that. But, I'd also encourage her to be accepting and cooperative if the negotiating fails. If the goal is to have a happy family, I think that's the best way to reach that goal. They're all going through a period of adjustment right now, and Gracie needs to understand that as well, she's not alone in having her life suddenly altered.