so lost

yeah i'm still alive

Hi sand,

I've been reading along, glad you're alive.

Here is my take, for what it is worth:

You are having a very hard time, and have been for a very long time. You try to make yourself "better". It's not working. You are doing a lot of the right things -- exercising, helping people. (Getting heartfelt "thanks" has been shown to be a major route to happiness.)

Yet, it's not working.

What happens then is that people get weary of the drama. Not people here, they are stalwart, they are patient, they are amazing, but from reading this whole thing I can see how it would be exhausting to be your friend. Everyone (really, most everyone) has felt the depths you feel. Most everyone is willing to be sympathetic, especially if they feel their sympathy will accomplish something. If the sympathy merely falls into the void and is absorbed, leaving not a trace, it is harder to come up with more sympathy.

How to change that situation? Make the sympathy accomplish something. How? Well, alcohol isn't working. Willing yourself to be "better" isn't working. Going to a counselor is your best bet.

You say that you don't want to, I understand that, but think of it this way -- by refusing to take a clear, accessible, and quite possibly productive route, you are throwing your friends' sympathy back in their faces. That's no way to keep friends.

Sand--

I'm glad to hear that you're still with us. Still, I'm not sure where we go from this point. Death--slow or fast--seems very attractive to you.

Questions:

Are all of your friends heavy drinkers? Do you have any friends who are not heavy drinkers?

Did you finish your paper last night?

Were you up for classes this morning?

You mentioned your roommate's boyfriend snoring. Are his overnights in your room inconvenient for you?

ASSIGNMENT:

Pick up the phone and dial the first three numbers of the Student Health Center. Hang up.

Repeat three times.


Stay in touch, Sand. We care. Because we don't know you--but we're all old enough to know about problems like yours--we can't give you the hugging and admiration that you obviously crave. All we're good for is mirroring reality and offering advice.

Hang in there.

most of my friends are drinkers...not necessarly heavy drinkers but i'm not usually either...though we've each had our moments. Yes i finshed my paper this morning, and i don't have classes on friday...if i did have class, i wouldn't have drank. Oh yeah...having her bf over is very inconvienant.

other then that i don't know what else to write right now...i'm just here for now.

Good for you for finishing your paper, sand!

Well I'm glad you're still alive.

I should admit to you, Sand, I am way older than you. I have a daughter who will be 21 in March and a son who will turn 20 May 9th. We get along pretty well so it worries me to hear that someone of that age is so unhappy. Maybe my kids are more unhappy than they appear. I would hate that.

Even if you can't call right now (and why the hell can't you, anyway? -- there are big privacy issues that will keep others from knowing and you can spin your own version if anyone finds out you've been)... have you tried to do any of the exercises I've offered you? Have you read the poem? I am a firm believer in finding things that speak to you through poetry.

You sound like you are in some deep doldrums... drink isn't likely to shake it out of you, just as so many have said. Can you go visit home this weekend? Give your mom a hug... talk to your brother?

I'd suggest get going... get out of your room for a while. Your roommate sounds annoying and your friends... eh. Go have some fun away from there. Do something new and try to wear yourself out physically. Please. At least watch a cheery movie that will make you laugh.

((HUGS))
Piffka

haha i would love to go home, but lucky me theres a big snow storm going on, and i hate driving in snow.
i'm so blah today, prob cause from the hang over.
I just don't seem to care about anything...i'm just floating through another day

You have mentioned several times that you care more about your friends than your friends care about you--with the exception of the Bacardi bottle.

Have you ever told your roommate that her boyfriend snores and interferes with your sleep?

If so, were you drinking at the time?

If not, why not? You--or your parents--are paying room & board--your roommate's boyfriend is not.

Have you made your three 3-digit hangup calls to the Student Health Service yet?

oh she knows that i don't get much sleep cause of him. she doesn't either...but she doesn't care.

no i have done the 3digit hang up yet...i'm at work right now

Sand--

I'm not sure that your roommate is a "real" friend--but you are the only person who can make decisions like that.

Have you told your roommate that her boyfriend's overnights annoy you?
Or are you worried about losing her "friendship"?

There is a difference between good, caring people and doormats.

Exactly why I preferred a single room. This sounds like dorm behavior which means there should be somebody on the floor or in the building to whom you can complain, Sand. Or say to your roomie... please take it somewhere else this weekend, I'm not in the mood.

Alternately, have a girlfriend spend the night and you can make that boyfriend & your roommate pretty darn uncomfortable. Think about it. You need to have some fun.

The Wicked,
Piffka

sand : i understand that you still find it difficult to speak to other people. since you are doing a great job expressing your thoughts on this thread, you may want to try and put your thoughts into writing and pass those written comments on to the people you would like to speak to. many great writers started writing down their thoughts as they occured to them and later it allowed them to write great stories from those short notes. you have nothing to loose by trying it - you may even discover another self ! ??? hbg

good news of the day, i might have a single!

Sand--

A single room would give you both time and space which you need badly right now.

Have you done your interrupted dialing for the day?

Hang in there.

Yay!

yeah i would be happy with a single...

Oh and thanks Hamburger....i'm thinking about that.

Does the university have a help line for people who are troubled?

English universities have something called 'nightline' which is a student version of the Samaritans. You don't give your name. it is totally confidential and you talk to them about any worries you have.

If there is an American version please try ringing them.

Alcohol is a depressant so please don't make a friend of that.

no our college doesn't have something like that. Kinda wish they did right now.

that's a shame .... pick up that phone then and arrange to see a counsellor PLEASE.... and your doctor as well.

That way things can only get better and you can get back on your feet and enjoy life.

Sand--

Your college may not have a Samaritan line, but if you check the blue pages in your local telephone book there will be at least one Hot Line open to you.

Usually the first page of the blue pages has a listing of all 24-hour hot lines. If not, look under mental health--and dial all the numbers.

The lines are staffed by trained volunteers who will listen to your troubles. They will come up with advice only if you ask for advice.

Meanwhile, have you tried starting to dial (and hanging up) your College Health Center?

You really need a listening ear without a time lag.