so lost

Well, we're here for you, Sand. It is alarming to see you go from high to low, must be hard on you. High being better, of course... what we're aiming at. The drugs commonly given for depression will help keep you feeling happy & good about yourself. If you can do that on your own, that's okay.

Is yours a paper on accounting? I can't imagine writing a paper on accounting! I only took one class in it and sucked. I'm more of a humanities-arts student, though I ended up doing technical work for a job. At least I didn't have to stay in one place.

Do you truly love accounting? There are always great jobs for people who can fund-raise for non-profits. You can move around. That would be the closest I'd want to get to a job managing money. I think an accountant has to stay in the same place.... get a reputation for stability, but maybe not. Is that what you want really want after college?

Wondering,
Piffka

Yeah the sudden changes in mood can get difficult sometimes.
As for my paper, its not on accounting... Its for my class productions and operations and i have write a paper on the Toyota production system and if u guys have no idea what that is, then thats wonderful and keep it that way! lol
I don't know if i truly love accounting, but i do like it a lot, i love working with numbers! As what i'm going to do after college with my degree i'm not sure at all, probably work in an accounting firm in my home town. But who knows. Any ways...back to the damn paper still got have hardly started it...how am i suppose to give my interpretation of something i don't get. Argh... any ways...tty guys later.

It is hard to worry about you when you can make me laugh like that. Good luck with the paper.

hehe...i'm having a brain fart...damn mr ohno and making new way of running an organization..what the hell was he thinking...jeez...why in the hell would u want to maximise profit...thats just so stupid. hehe...yeah...i'm in a waco mood

I've decided i'm gonna call. Though i do have to wait till tomorrow. I don't want to do this any more. I'm sitting here now in the computer lab and things are going right back down. I'm second guessing everything again, mostly my friendships but AHHH why do i do this!

Sand--

Hang on to your resolution--even if you have to accept an appointment for a week or so away. You are the one making the decisions about the rest of your life.

Hold your dominion.

i hate life...it sucks...words that i cant put my finger on...feelings just turn over and over in my mind..the people i love...things ive been dealing with...and the things happening now...i just dont know...but im holding on...yea...thats what im doing...hanging in there...barely...but who would care either way...**** it..

the more i drink, the more i can't feel, soon to a place where i can't hurt any more. Then i have the choice, do i wake up again to where i feel more pain. Or do i end it now and feel no more pain.

You are drinking in the computer lab, Sand? I'm confused. You should be working on the Toyota paper, not worrying about your friends and not drinking. You need to concentrate on important stuff, one thing at a time. Tomorrow, after the paper, spend half an hour of deliberate worrying about friends.

i'm back in the room...all alone, the drink is my friend, its always there when i need it. It never judges me, it never says that i'm not good enough, i'm not funny enough, i'm not smart enough. It helps, i'm relaxed, i know, i'm calm, i don't care, what happens happens.

What are you drinking?

Is the paper done?

bicardi 151...mmm my fav.

No i still have a page to go.

That concerns me. A lot. As a former addict it's also very familiar. A substance is NEVER your friend.

Who tells you that you aren't good enough, funny enough or smart enough? Has any person told you this? Or is it, perhaps, something you tell yourself? Something you imagine others are thinking about you?

Really? Bacardi is your favorite? I can't really drink much hard liquor anymore, but I used to like dark rum. That and Jack Daniels.

You better finish that paper.

who tells me that...i've been told that a lot!! And no its not just in my head. U would not believe the scares i carry. i've had my suppose friends call me a bitch to my face a number of times, all because i wasn't in a good mood. But thats not all that i've had.
No its not all in my head, some of pain comes from real life.
I love the taste of bicardi...gets me drunk quick and fast, no point in wasting time. And as for the paper...it can wait....till when i dunno...we shall see if i see tomorrows sunrise

I'm not liking these two references -- "do I end it now" and "we shall see if you see the next sunrise." I ignored the first one, but you've brought it up again. That is really a mistake.

Do you want to talk about this? What happened to make you so upset? I don't get it. You could be on top of the world, but instead you're completely down.

I think it shouldn't be a big deal if somebody calls you a bitch. That's them... not you. Remember, the best revenge is living well. Don't take the easy way out -- it won't help.


Here's a poem I'd like you to read (Yeah, I know it is long and written in a very poetic fashion... but it has a very thoughtful end.) I even changed the font color to purple for you:

THE SUICIDE

"Curse thee, Life, I will live with thee no more!
Thou hast mocked me, starved me, beat my body sore!
And all for a pledge that was not pledged by me,
I have kissed thy crust and eaten sparingly
That I might eat again, and met thy sneers
With deprecations, and thy blows with tears, --
Aye, from thy glutted lash, glad, crawled away,
As if spent passion were a holiday!
And now I go. Nor threat, nor easy vow
Of tardy kindness can avail thee now
With me, whence fear and faith alike are flown;
Lonely I came, and I depart alone,
And know not where nor unto whom I go;
But that thou canst not follow me I know."

Thus I to Life, and ceased; but through my brain
My thought ran still, until I spake again:

"Ah, but I go not as I came, -- no trace
Is mine to bear away of that old grace
I brought! I have been heated in thy fires,
Bent by thy hands, fashioned to thy desires,
Thy mark is on me! I am not the same
Nor ever more shall be, as when I came.
Ashes am I of all that once I seemed.

In me all's sunk that leapt, and all that dreamed
Is wakeful for alarm, -- oh, shame to thee,
For the ill change that thou hast wrought in me,
Who laugh no more nor lift my throat to sing!
Ah, Life, I would have been a pleasant thing
To have about the house when I was grown
If thou hadst left my little joys alone!
I asked of thee no favor save this one:
That thou wouldst leave me playing in the sun!

And this thou didst deny, calling my name
Insistently, until I rose and came.
I saw the sun no more. -- It were not well
So long on these unpleasant thoughts to dwell,
Need I arise to-morrow and renew
Again my hated tasks, but I am through
With all things save my thoughts and this one night,
So that in truth I seem already quite
Free and remote from thee, -- I feel no haste
And no reluctance to depart; I taste
Merely, with thoughtful mien, an unknown draught,
That in a little while I shall have quaffed."

Thus I to Life, and ceased, and slightly smiled,
Looking at nothing; and my thin dreams filed
Before me one by one till once again
I set new words unto an old refrain:

"Treasures thou hast that never have been mine!
Warm lights in many a secret chamber shine
Of thy gaunt house, and gusts of song have blown
Like blossoms out to me that sat alone!
And I have waited well for thee to show
If any share were mine, -- and now I go!
Nothing I leave, and if I naught attain
I shall but come into mine own again!"

Thus I to Life, and ceased, and spake no more,
But turning, straightway, sought a certain door
In the rear wall. Heavy it was, and low
And dark, -- a way by which none e'er would go
That other exit had, and never knock
Was heard thereat, -- bearing a curious lock
Some chance had shown me fashioned faultily,
Whereof Life held content the useless key,
And great coarse hinges, thick and rough with rust,
Whose sudden voice across a silence must,
I knew, be harsh and horrible to hear, --
A strange door, ugly like a dwarf. -- So near
I came I felt upon my feet the chill
Of acid wind creeping across the sill.
So stood longtime, till over me at last
Came weariness, and all things other passed
To make it room; the still night drifted deep
Like snow about me, and I longed for sleep.

But, suddenly, marking the morning hour,
Bayed the deep-throated bell within the tower!
Startled, I raised my head, -- and with a shout
Laid hold upon the latch, -- and was without.

* * * * *

Ah, long-forgotten, well-remembered road,
Leading me back unto my old abode,
My father's house! There in the night I came,
And found them feasting, and all things the same
As they had been before. A splendour hung
Upon the walls, and such sweet songs were sung
As, echoing out of very long ago,
Had called me from the house of Life, I know.

So fair their raiment shone I looked in shame
On the unlovely garb in which I came;
Then straightway at my hesitancy mocked:
"It is my father's house!" I said and knocked;
And the door opened. To the shining crowd
Tattered and dark I entered, like a cloud,
Seeing no face but his; to him I crept,
And "Father!" I cried, and clasped his knees, and wept.
Ah, days of joy that followed! All alone
I wandered through the house. My own, my own,
My own to touch, my own to taste and smell,
All I had lacked so long and loved so well!
None shook me out of sleep, nor hushed my song,
Nor called me in from the sunlight all day long.

I know not when the wonder came to me
Of what my father's business might be,
And whither fared and on what errands bent
The tall and gracious messengers he sent.
Yet one day with no song from dawn till night
Wondering, I sat, and watched them out of sight.
And the next day I called; and on the third
Asked them if I might go, -- but no one heard.
Then, sick with longing, I arose at last
And went unto my father, -- in that vast
Chamber wherein he for so many years
Has sat, surrounded by his charts and spheres.

"Father," I said, "Father, I cannot play
The harp that thou didst give me, and all day
I sit in idleness, while to and fro
About me thy serene, grave servants go;
And I am weary of my lonely ease.
Better a perilous journey overseas
Away from thee, than this, the life I lead,
To sit all day in the sunshine like a weed
That grows to naught, -- I love thee more than they
Who serve thee most; yet serve thee in no way.
Father, I beg of thee a little task
To dignify my days, -- 'tis all I ask
Forever, but forever, this denied,
I perish."

"Child," my father's voice replied,
"All things thy fancy hath desired of me
Thou hast received. I have prepared for thee
Within my house a spacious chamber, where
Are delicate things to handle and to wear,
And all these things are thine. Dost thou love song?
My minstrels shall attend thee all day long.
Or sigh for flowers? My fairest gardens stand
Open as fields to thee on every hand.
And all thy days this word shall hold the same:
No pleasure shalt thou lack that thou shalt name.
But as for tasks --" he smiled, and shook his head;
"Thou hadst thy task, and laidst it by", he said.


Edna St. Vincent Millay

I am not a religious person but I believe you are here for a reason and it is not to feel sorry for yourself. You need to find out what your purpose is. Maybe it is just to be kind to the people who love you. Maybe it is to raise a young daughter or son. I don't know what your purpose is, Sand, but I'm sure you have one.

i am to drunk to read that right now...i'm out again...almost to being numb...thats what i'm going for YAY

well u'll be happy to know that i didn't do anything...cause why? cause i was helping out a friend.... as always does he care how i'm doing...no...i'm just here to help him out...actually i'm in his room while he is pucking..so i figured it was a good to to check this out...but apparently no one cares cause no one has wrote recently...so yeah...i'm alone again. Once i would love to be asked by my friends how i was doing, instead of me asking how they were doing...i'm sick of taking care of them...i want some one to take care of me... what happens right now..i don't know...i should just go up stairs and go to bed but i know he needs me...see i know what good of friend i am...why can't some one be that way for me.. Why can't they put me first instead of them selves. instead of me having to write to a bunch of strangers. Doesn't friends mean having some one there for you when ever u need them, from good to bad to completly ugly...i dunno know i've never had that happen to me...i've just been there for everyone else....no one there for me. I should prob. stop writing..he'll be back soon, he doesn't need to read this, he's got enough problems...the confidence of trying to tell a girl(my friend) that he likes her...hes like me he can't express he's worried what will happen if he asks...she's not an emotional person where he is...he's afraid he won't make her happy.i try to help him, like u guys have tried to help me and i dunno i think its worked so far.. we shall see...tonight we both got drunk for different reasons...actually the same reason...so we could be numb and try to be happy.. but yeah that hasn't worked for either of us. god damn it all the hell...whats the point.

Sand--

Please let us know you are alive this morning--angst and all.

Remember when you and Bottle Bacardi have these midnight parties most people on A2K are sound asleep.

This is not because we hate you or because we have decided to ignore you or because you are a no-good person. This is because we need our sleep in order to meet our responsibilities the next day You are still important to us and we want to help.

Please respond.