so lost

Welcome sand5699
I would tell you to spill your guts to the friend you are helping and to a counselor. 2 1/2 years is long enough to suffer this way and since you suffer with low self esteem, as do too many of us, you need extra help. If you feel you want to be normal, that will be a search. But I know what you mean, you want more control over your thoughts. Talking will accomplish this goal. Friends you talk with sincerely will remember you for the rest of your life. Don't be afraid, go ahead, you can do it. We all want to be so independent and not ask for help from a sister or brother. But it is an uncommon thing to say to someone will you be my brother, help me.

I would love to talk to my friend about it, but him and I are a lot alike. So if i start talking to him about how i feel, i'm afraid that i'll just bring him back down, after spending a lot of time on bringing him up. I actually used a lot of stuff you guys told me to help him out. I always put my friends first, if a friend comes to me and they are feeling sad i do all that i can to make them happy, even if at the time i feel sad. Even if i rather be crying on their shoulder instead of the other way, but thats not the person i am.

As a long term sufferer of depression, I can tell that is what you are experiencing. Opening up here is a good start, but talk to a professional. No matter how different you think you are, I can promise they will have heard the same thing from hordes of people.

sand5699- Welcome to A2K

I am perceiving a common theme going through this entire thread. You are sad, but you don't want to really talk about it. You refused to talk to a counselor, to whom you were sent when you were younger.

It sounds to me that the problem that you are having is a long standing one, not something that developed in college. For some reason, you are afraid to reveal yourself, either to friends, or even a professional.

I think that you have made a good first move, by discussing your concerns here. That is only a first step. IMO, you need to ge to the bottom of your problem, once and for all, or it will affect your entire life.

I would suggest that you go to the college counselling center, or find yourself a qualified professional away from campus, whatever your preference. People sometmes have to try out a few therapists, before they find one that suits them. Don't be discouraged. You are aware of your problem, so you are on your way to solving it.

Depression is not unusual in young people. Not doing anything about it is self defeating. You deserve a happy life, but you have to take the step. Good luck, and we are always around if you need a shoulder or an ear!

Just wanted to say thank you for all ur advice, i've greatly appreciated it. I'm glad i found this place. Still haven't called a counselor..but i'm working on it. Just thought i would let you know

Why not call and make an appointment with the idea you can cancel if you truly don't feel you can go through with it.

What is the worst thing that would happen if you went to see a counsellor?

Sand--

Caprice has a good approach. Ask yourself what is the very worst that could happen if you made the appointment.

Remember, you aren't a child any more to be sent to a counselor willy-nilly, whether or no. You're an adult taking charge of your life. First you decide to make the appointment. Then you can decide whether to keep the appointment.

All the choices are yours.

Good luck.

Noddy- Agree. In addition Sand, you have the choice as to whom to see.

Important Afterthought about "normal":

One regret that many people have is that they wasted much time in their youth striving to be "normal".

Think about it: Normal is "average"--watered down and bland.

You don't consider "normal" when you pick your friends. You treasure people for who they are. People don't want a "normal" for a friend. They would rather have you, quirks and all.

Listen to that different drummer--not everyone can hear the beat. You're lucky you can.

Even though just calling to make an appointment is still admitting. Its hard for me to do, i'm still not sure what i would say. I know the counselor is not expecting me to say a certain thing, but i'm just afraid i will sit there and not say anything. And if they ask why i came, i'm not sure i would be able to say why. Phoenix32890's saying that "For some reason, you are afraid to reveal yourself, either to friends, or even a professional. " is very true. I don't know why, but i'm sitting here now thinking i should talk to the friend i've been helping, and talk to him about how i feel, cause he says he will be there for me to talk to like i was for him. But then i know he has a lot of work to do and i'm worried that i'll bring him down. I know it sounds like excuses which it probably is but thats how i always am. One reason why I think I am such a private person is because i've been hurt so many times by open up to some one, and i'm afraid its going to happen again. And then again i think i'm just being stupid and that nothing is wrong with me and i'm afraid of being judged so then i freeze and don't say anything. Its such a vicious cycle and its starting to hurt more and more.
-Sorry for going on and on and this probably doesn't make sense, but i need a way to express this. I guess that its for now

sand5699- From what you describe, I am all the more convinced that you need to talk with a professional. They are trained to listen. They have "heard it all", and therefore will not be judgmental. They are paid to HELP, not sit in judgment of a client.

IMO, a friend, although you CAN look to one for emotional support, is not the person who will be able to help you to get to the bottom of your problem, and help you solve it. They are, as a friend, too close to the situation. A professional is able to be dispassionate, and therefore, ultimately more effective.

I don't expect a friend to be able to help me solve all my problems i just wish i could tell them something.

Sand--

You really are wrapped tight in a brittle net. There is great hope--you want to be free.

To begin with. Pick up the telephone. Make-believe dial/punch. Get as far as saying, "Hello," to the empty air.

The make believe panic--and hang up.

Repeat three times--and go to bed knowing that you've made a start.

Admitting what? That you are asking for help? Because that is what it boils down to. The more you sit and stew about all of this, the bigger it becomes in your mind.

You didn't answer me as far as what is the worst thing that could happen.

I think I know part of what you want, but it isn't going to happen if you continue this way. Everyone on this board has suggested you see a counsellor. Surely that alone indicates that it's something to seriously consider. As far as what to say when you call? You don't have to divulge your reasonings to a receptionist. Call and ask for an appointment with a counsellor. If they ask why, just say you would like to see someone regarding some personal issues. You don't have to say anything more than that. Do what I've done at times, write yourself a script of what you want to say so you don't find yourself caught off guard. Although I can't imagine they would, if the person on the phone presses you for more details, all you have to say is it is something you will only discuss with a counsellor.

You have the power to determine how to deal with this. And once you do, I think you'll find all the reasons you presently have built up in your mind to avoid going to a counsellor are much smaller, if existent at all, than they seem now.

The worst thing that could happen is that they could tell me there is nothing wrong with me i'm over dramatic. I'm just a stupid idiot who is just doing it for attention.

And do you honestly believe that is what they will say?

i have no clue, but thats how i feel

I can guarantee you a counsellor will never say this to you.

i'm not going to write any more tonight...i'm to pissed off at myself right now. so talk to u guys maybe tomorrow.

Why are you pissed off?