so lost

As Noddy said, you can pretend to call the counsellor's office. It will make the real thing less intimidating. Or even call now, when they are closed.

cause i don't want to do this any more, i shouldn't be this unhappy, there's nothing seriously wrong with me, its my own fault i'm doubting my friends. And i'm drinking to try to make myself feel better and i know thats wrong. So i just can't do anything right. As i wrote one other night as an away message:
God damn it…I'll I do is **** up…no matter what it is....if its from hw, to friendship, it doesn't matter, I'm there to screw it up. I'm just a loser…that no one should bother with…I should get the point that the world would be a better place if I didn't exist. It would be so much better if I was just gone. I can be pretty damn positive no one could care less if I ******* existed. So good bye and lets see what tomorrow brings…hopefully a world without me…that would be so much better.

oh and i'm not drunk yet, just started drinking

From what little you have written to this board so far, it sounds like the only person truly judging you is yourself. You don't have to beat yourself up emotionally just because you think someone else might. The only thing that accomplishes is lowering your self esteem further. Instead of saying things that bring yourself down, tell yourself things that are true and uplifting. I know you have good qualities. What are they? Don't tell me though, tell yourself.

If you were a loser, would you be in school to better yourself in order to go out in the world to get a career and make yourself a productive member of society?



Even the above statement tells me you are saying this because you don't want anyone to judge you as being drunk.

If all of us on this board, virtual strangers, do not judge you in the manner you are judging yourself, then people who love and care for you are not going to judge you so harshly.

I don't imagine you are screwing things up. The biggest lessons I have learned in my life have come from mistakes I have made. So even times when you feel you didn't do the right thing, see it for what it is -- a learning experience. You are not the first person to feel the way you do, you are not the first person to make mistakes. Doesn't knowing that make you feel a bit better?

You do want to live you know. Why? Because you don't know what tomorrow will bring and trust me there are good things to come.

sand, sand, you are not at all stupid and you need to talk. Virtually all of us here understand what you are dealing with.

i'm in school cause my parents want me to be in school, whatever i do is because some one wants me to do it. I don't do anything for me.

If your parents want you in school, it's because they have your best interests at heart. I know that sounds like a tiresome comment but it is true. It's tough to get ahead in life without an education. And you've been successful at it so far! You've managed through the freshman hump.

What do you want to do? Do you know? What are your interests?

oh yeah so much for my friend being there like i was for him. It figures...its alway like that. Always there for everyone else then no ones there for me. Yet i guess i do this to myself cause i'm not more open, but then i don't want to be open cause then i get hurt....any one else see a cycle

Point blank...i have no idea what i want to do.

Sand
We're here for you ;-)

Then being in college is a good time to explore. You don't know now, I suspect, because you have this depression you are going through clouding your life. You need to clear the clouds and get a clearer vision of life. You may be reluctant, you may be scared, but you will not regret getting help from a counsellor.

As for your friend not being there for you...do you see what you're doing? You're turning this back around on yourself. Your friend is not you. He is not going to behave the way you do. Maybe he doesn't have the emotional strength to be supportive. His weaknesses are not your fault. His weaknesses are not because of what he does or doesn't think of you as a friend.

To answer your question, the cycle I see is you beating yourself up.

What school do you go to? I'll make the appointment for you for the counsellor myself! All you have to do is go to the appointment.

I agree with Caprice that you shoud just let go of beating up on yourself. Take a break. Get over it for a while, shut it off.

Then come back and talk. You can't convince us that you're horrible, y'know. Take a long walk and listen to yourself.

how am i just suppose to let go and stop beating myself up. Thats all i do

You have to change the way you look at yourself Sand, and stop worrying about what other people think of you. Who cares what people think?

easier sad then done, i've had almost all of my life feeling this way. I don't understand how its expected of me to just say fine, ok you guys are right i need to let go and then things will be ok. I told you i didn't want to write any more and u guys kept pressing. Now i'm going to end up regretting what i've wrote and then i'll be even more of a mess cause i think i've offended people i don't even know.

Nobody is offended.

Sand - You're in a macrocosm of a competitive world right now. You probably know just where you're at on the Bell Curve and it is a constant battle to keep your place, to "earn" your GPA. If you don't do well, you're out on your ear, your parents will be pissed, you'll never have a job, nobody will ever love you, etc.

Not only that, your school is right in the middle of the incredibly competitive world which is (sadly) ours. You should be (what's wrong with you???) as attractive as an air-brushed model, as clever as a stand-up comedian, as happy as a sit-com, right?

Well, nobody is like that.

Everybody has warts. Everybody has things that go terribly wrong. Everybody makes mistakes. You can either give up... which won't get you anywhere *or* you try to learn from these... try to look beyond appearances.... try to fix things when they go wrong. That's the way of the world.

Take baseball. It's an almost perfect metaphor for life. The greatest baseball player on the field would be happy with a 300 average, right? A 400 average is just not going to happen. So what does that 300 average mean? It means that guy fails seven out of every ten times he goes up to bat.

Life, real life, is imperfect. It's messy and not always that pretty. In real life your hair gets dirty, clothes get smudged, you forget to do things you should, the floor needs cleaning. Amazingly, that's not the end of the world. The end of the world is when you quit trying.

Okay. I have two interesting exercises for you...

One is to write down maximum and minimum goals for yourself. Look ahead... what do you want to accomplish? What's the best, what's the least you want to do? Give yourself some leeway here... you're looking at your potential: the preferred & the probable.

Write it down for tomorrow.
Same for what you can do by Friday.
Another for the weekend.
Another for next week.
Another for the end of the quarter.
Another for the end of the summer.
Another for the end of the year.
Another for five years from now.
And finally for 2025.

Make sure that the things you're doing now are what you will get you closer to the future goals.


The second is to analyze your friendships. (I know there is an expanded version of this, but I can't remember it. )

Make a grid on a piece of paper, three across, two down. Label the three TALK, FUN, HELP. Now write down the names of people (friends, family, repeating is OK), that you know you can talk to, know you can have fun with, know you can call on if you need help.

Look at them and thank your lucky stars you've got some. Remind yourself to get in contact with them within the next two weeks, just to see what they're doing, how they're feeling.

Now, take that last row... you thought I forgot?... and write down who you fulfill those roles for. Who can count on you for soul-searching talks? Who can count on you to have some fun? Who can count on you to pick them up at the airport?

Look it over. If you have gaps, and I assume you do, then think about... even write down the names... of people who you might be able to move into those empty or weak positions. Try to work towards making them better friends. Try to be a better friend.
______

About this...."I'm in school because my parents want me here."

I kind of buy that, but not really. In the end, you are you. You could be in a much worse situation than you find yourself now. Imagine, just for a moment, that you are living in Iraq. Your dad is gone, your home has been bombed, you don't know where your mom and little brother are and there is no money and no school and no job. OK?

Let's have a wake-up call, here. You are healthy, in school and with parents who are trying to do the best they can for you. It isn't their fault if you don't know what you want to do. Doesn't your school have some kind of academic counseling? Can't you take tests to find out where your interests lie? Too many people go through life not having what they want. Sometimes they don't even know what they want.

Here's another exercise... write down three things you definitely want to do that you haven't done yet. Then tell us what they are and why you haven't done them.

I can wait. I'll be here tomorrow to see what you've got.

Hugs,
Piffka

You haven't offended anyone. Believe me, after some of the crap I've written here, the people on this board can put up with just about anything.

It looks like you have been taught to worry a great deal about whether you are offending anyone. Some of us here understand that as we were too.

We are trying to get you to value yourself past all that, whether or not you offend anyone. We value you. And you know you value you, or want to.

Really, please, notice yourself, you are important to yourself and us.