so lost

I've been lurking, since the beginning of this thread two days ago.
Please keep it up.

sand5699 -


(((((HUGS)))))

Sand--

What is a "away" note?

How are strangers scattered all over the world "making" you write more posts?

Do you realize when you drink, "sad" turns to "angry"?

not always does sad turn into anger...sometimes it can make you happy or even sadier. But that doesn't really matter. And now my mood has affected my roommate, cause i talked to her alittle about what was going on with me. So yeah thats just great.
And the away message is from using aim. its for when ur busy or not at the computer u put up an away message so u can't get interrupted.

As for how can strangers make me write....its because again, i don't want to be judged even if it is by strangers.

But thanks to everyone else for the hugs and positive messages.
And smiley what did u mean by keep it up?

Flat out statement of fact:

1. In the short run, alcohol can cheer you up at the moment, but only at the moment. Alcohol by its chemical nature is a depressant--I think the term is "downer".

Self-medicating depression with alcohol could be self-defeating.

Last night a drink or so seemed to change your sadness to anger. (Perhaps you noticed that your anger did not affect the consideration your problems are getting on A2K).

A therapist might ask, "Why do you have to drink to get angry? Why can't you let your anger out when you're sober?"

What alcohol does to your mental state does matter to people--even strangers--whom you have asked to worry about you. Notice, your anger didn't make anyone here angry back.

2. I'm glad that an "away message" is not the same as a suicide note.
I'm not particularly computer savvy.

3. If I believed that I had the power to make a total stranger head for the computer keyboard to post on A2K, I'd be playing with a few cards missing out of the deck.

You do not want to be judged by strangers so you choose to post. This is a positive action and possibly a step towards more positive actions. Good for you. First steps are the hardest.

Question: Do you want to be petted and cossetted in your misery or do you want to make some changes so you are no longer miserable? The A2K bunch is very willing to hug and suggest routes to change, but we have no mysterious power over you. You must choose to change and this is very difficult, very frightening.

hi sand - i agree that you do sound as though you have depression.

Why not print this page off and give it to the counsellor to read? It explains some of how you feel, explains your difficulty in explaining and will give a starting point for your conversations.

Please do see a counsellor and take medication if they advise it - short term - it can help break the cycle, give you a break and help you get yourself back on track and then slowly come off the medication.

Good luck

another day finally done, now just have to worry about the night

You know what you need to do. Your life will never improve if you continue like this. It's all in your power. You need to realize that. You need to realize you have power.

i know, just realize that some of the stuff i write i just need to get out, and now stuff i need a response to.

I have to say, I'm at a loss sand5699. You seemed so much to want help. But now it would seem that the help you want is to be able to voice your thoughts? You can certainly do that here. I'm not sure what else you are looking for.

Hi!
What a great idea... print it out & give it to a counselor. That way you don't have to go through all of it... wonder if you're missing anything, etc. Give a counselor a break -- they need the work.

So. What was your goal for today?
What is it for Friday? C'mon. If you can't tell us, then how can we get to know you?

Are you studying to be an engineer? Are you a girl? I'm sorry, I don't really know... kind of suspect it because of your roommate. Does your roommate have a boyfriend? Do you?

You must be about 20... maybe just turned 21?
You don't want to be an engineer, right?
How far do you live from home? How many bros & sisters do you have? Are your parents still married to each other? What used to be your favorite color? What is your favorite thing to wear & what color is it?

Have you ever played a sport you liked? What would you most love to be doing in two years?

Just wondering!
Piffka

PS -- How can you stand it? I hated (HATED) having a roommate. Ugh. Do you have a carrel in the library or any place you can go and be by yourself for a minute or two?

Isn't that part of wanting help? to be able to voice my thoughts? With my comment before i didn't mean i didn't want your guy's help at all, its just this is the only way for me to honestly get how i'm feeling out into the open. I don't have to surgar coat it, or change it so it won't offend someone. I can write what i'm actually truly feeling and i haven't done that before. Some of my comments before were just me explaining to myself what was going on, but then some of the responses made me get defensive. I really appreciate all that you guys have done for me. With me being in a depressed mood, i always make things become negative. This place is something positive that can help me, but i was scared cause i knew that it was making me think hard about myself and what i wanted to happen. I hope that this explains more and as you probably can tell that i'm in a better mood right now. I'm sorry caprice for making you confused if thats what it was. I didn't mean for you guys to doubt why i wrote here, but like i said before i got scared, and when that happens i usually run and hide and forget about the problem. But i'm trying not to do that now. I guess thats it for now...Piffka i'll answer ur questions shortly...but i need to go stretch and do some hw, so talk to u guys later. And thanks!

Yes i am a girl and i'm 20, turn 21 in may...no i don't have a boyfriend, yes my roommate does. No i don't want to become an engineer, i'm studying to become an accountant. I live about 2 hours away from home, i have one older brother. Yes my parents are still together. My fav. color use to be purple, now its blue-green. I've played lots of sports i liked...My fav. being soccer. Hmm..my goal for tomorrow is to finish a paper for class and relax some and make sure i don't fall asleep during class and work. My goal for friday is to have fun...maybe go sledding...we got 5 inches of new snow today! And yeah..working on picking up the phone to make the call...
And how can i stand the roommate? umm we've def had interesting times. And if i want to have any time alone i go for a drive in my car and blast the music and sing as loud as i possible can! hehe thats always a good stress reliever. But this is it for me tonight...its bed time and i know i'm prob. gonna get about 3 hours of sleep..damn dream...so goodnight all

Well you certainly seem in better spirits tonight, which is great to hear!

Step one in working towards making an appointment with a counsellor is having the phone number. Do you have the number of the student counselling office? Or have you at least looked it up in the phone book/student directory? I hope so. That is certainly the least intimidating part of it, true?

A quote for sand....

Yes i do have the number...But now here comes the kicker... Since i'm feeling better i know i'll start thinking that i don't need to go see some one, that i'm fine. Then in about a week or so i'm gonna start going back down hill and become real sad again. I've done this a lot i know, in fact i'll start feeling so happy with things that i prob. won't even come here, i will think that things are better and i'm ok, and things will be ok. Then soon enought it will be like another switch was thrown and i'll be coming back down into the depths of depression and come back and write how terrible things are. So um yeah...why i just wrote all that...i dunno...
Any who...thanks for the quote Caprice...i've used that every now and then!

sand5699- What you are describing is a very common scenario with people who deal with depression or bipolar disorder. A person feels rotten, and goes for help. The mood lifts, and he/she decides that the help is unnecessary. And round and round it goes. Problem is, each time the person is digging himself a deeper and deeper hole.

Hey, we all gave you the best advice we all could. If you want to pay attention to it, fine. If not, fine too. It's YOUR life!

Sand--

Call or not--your choice, your life.

Remember, thought, that when you're down and miserable, you won't have the energy to make the call.

Up or down, continue using us at A2K as a sounding board. You are right in wanting to pin down exactly how you feel and while the A2K feedback is not perfect, its better than no feedback at all.

argh...i know it's my choice to pick up the phone and call and do something. But i don't know why i keep stoping myself. I don't know why i'm so scared..i have the phone in my hand and i know the number...but i can't turn it on and dial. Thats kinda frustrating, and yes i remember everyone saying just make the appointment now and then decide to go if i want...at least i would have made the call...but i dunno...i freeze.
But as far as everything else..things are going ok, besides only getting 3 hrs of sleep, damn my roommates bf..he snores so freaken loud! Besides being really tired i feel good, i've laughed more today then prob. this whole week together. i guess thats it for now, but i figured i would let u guys know whats up...still have to go finish that damn paper. Blah Talk to u guys later. byes