Dosed
 
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 01:57 am
I was very drunk with a friend and 2 friends of a friend. I had met this guy once before, and we were all having fun drinking. I remember asking him if I could kiss him, and then we made out in the bar. The next thing I remember is straddling him on a staircase outside of the bar as we waited for our ride. The next thing I remember is being in the backseat of a car and him being on top of me. I remember thinking that we were having sex and freaking out in my mind because I didn't want that to happen. But I felt like all I could do was make sure he had a condom on. So I asked if he had a condom on and he said yes. I don't remember anything after that.

I woke up feeling very very sore. I asked my friend (who was driving the car while we were in the backseat) what had happened, and she said that she "didn't think" we went past third base. I also asked her if she recalled me asking about if he was wearing a condom and she said "I thought you asked him if he had a condom." The guy doesn't remember anything that happened either, except making out on the staircase.

I don't want to accuse him of rape, because I know that I was all over him. I also think he's a nice guy, from what I know of him. I just wish I could remember what happened, and I guess I sort of want my own peace of mind about the situation. I know that he and I were both very very drunk. I also know that I did not want to have sex with him. I remember being scared because I thought we were having sex (but I could have just thought that, I know he was touching me). I vaguely remember saying no, and him saying oh, okay. but I didn't get confirmation that I said that from my friend who was driving, so I don't know if that really happened or not. in fact, she said it sounded like I was "game for whatever was going down" and that's why she didn't stop anything.

Thoughts? I'll clarify anything as best I can if there's any confusion.
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Type: Question • Score: 24 • Views: 25,989 • Replies: 340

 
tsarstepan
 
  3  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 02:05 am
@Dosed,
It sounds like a textbook description of date rape.

You should go to the gynecologist ASAP and have yourself checked out for any STDs at least. Perhaps get a morning after pill if it's not too late a preventative measure.

Have the doctor document everything.

Kneejerkishly I am skeptical about the guy's condom use claim. If both of you were drunk, I couldn't imagine he's thinking straight enough for putting one on in the heat of the moment and well when you asked, he probably fibbed so the sex wouldn't stop.

I hope that things turn out well. Don't wait to long to get medical attention and find out what may have happened.
dadpad
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 03:44 am
Personally i would have a hard time labling this (as described) as rape.
Maybe i'm behind the times there. Without wanting to lecture I think you need to take the lesson home and learn from it. You are responsible for yourself.
Stay in control of yourself, your body and your environment.
It sounds like both of you were out of control and the fact that your friend (driving) didnt intervene makes the description of rape even harder to accept.

Get an std and pregnancy test.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  0  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 03:48 am
@tsarstepan,
Don't take Tsars post at face value - it may or may not be.

What you are really asking as a first question is 'did he slip a sedative into my drink, and then have sex with me?'

This brings up another question- did you give him the opportunity to do so? (that's not justifying him doing so - that's asking if he had the opportunity).

Do you feel tender in your genital region?

Were your clothes, and most specifically your underwear, out of alignment.

How much time do you not remember?

Have you had blackouts before?

Are you on any medication that does not mix well with alcohol (anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs do not mix well with alcohol, and some can combinations can cause you to pass out, and can also cause memory loss).

How much did you drink? Was your state usual for how much you drink?

How long did your friends lose sight of you for? You quote asking him if he had a condom on while you were making out, and yet your friend heard you ask if he had a condom?

You will also probably find that there are counselling services that can give you more information on this topic.

By the way Dadpad there are sleeping drugs out there that not only put you out and make you suffer memory loss, but make you horny as well. Worse for one particular of these drugs - traces of it leave the body quite quickly.
Dosed
 
  4  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 04:54 am
@vikorr,
First of all I'd like to say that my intent in asking this question is not for the purpose of reporting the incident. I do not wish to get him in any kind of trouble at all and I don't want to cause him any social issues because of this. I realize that I put myself in a very bad situation and that I am responsible for that. However, I am searching for some clarity. After explaining what happened to several people and having them tell me I was "date raped" and reading several legal definitions of "date rape," it's my understanding that it doesn't matter that we were both drunk, all that matters is the fact that I didn't know what was going on (I didn't know if he was fingering me or if he was having sex with me) and that I didn't want to do it and I was unable to give consent due to my state.

To answer your questions:

I don't know if he slipped me anything in my drink. It's possible, as I went to the bathroom several times.

Did I give him the opportunity? I don't know what that means. I remember we were making out and I was fine with that, I became uneasy when I realized that something--either his fingers or his penis--was inside me. And that's when I remember being scared because I didn't know what was happening. It didn't occur to me to say no, all I could do was ask if he had a condom on. I vaguely remember saying no to him, but my friend who was in the front seat of the car said that she did not hear me say that.

Do I feel tender? Yes. This happened Thursday night. I felt very very sore Friday morning and I still feel very very sore tonight.

My underwear have several holes in them. I also have a bruise on my knee and a scratch on my arm and a scratch on my breast.

I don't remember leaving the bar. I remember being outside of the bar with him on the staircase making out. I don't remember getting in the car. I remember being in the car with him on top of me, but I remember that I didn't realize anyone else was there (my friend in the front seat) I don't think it occurred to me that I was in a car.

I've had a small black out once after returning home from a night out. I threw up and didn't remember it until seeing vomit in the toilet the next morning.

I'm not on any medication at all.

I had a lot to drink. It was beyond the normal amount I consume and I don't remember ever feeling so "in and out" of my mental state.

My friend was in the front seat of the car. Technically, I was always "out of her sight," as she was driving and we were in the back seat. From what she told me, she heard me "moaning" and turned up the radio and "didn't want to look back there."

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wayne
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 05:18 am
One thing stands out in this, and many, situations. That is alcohol.
You may wish to take the opportunity to evaluate the role of alcohol in this.
You say that you have experienced a small blackout before, now this. The likelyhood of this trend continuing is great. Are you willing to risk this kind of experience in the future? Or worse?
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 05:38 am
I would not consider that a date rape. You were all over him, you straddled him, you were making out. You were both drunk. You got into the back seat with him. You don't remember much and you say he doesn't remember anything either.

Best just take the advice above about getting a morning after pill, if it's not too late, and forget about it. And try to control yourself around alcohol in future.
hawkeye10
 
  -3  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 05:53 am
@Mame,
Quote:
Best just take the advice above about getting a morning after pill, if it's not too late, and forget about it. And try to control yourself around alcohol in future
AND get on birth control if you have been going without.....
Mame
 
  7  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 06:06 am
@hawkeye10,

Quote:
I realize that I put myself in a very bad situation and that I am responsible for that. However, I am searching for some clarity. After explaining what happened to several people and having them tell me I was "date raped" and reading several legal definitions of "date rape," it's my understanding that it doesn't matter that we were both drunk, all that matters is the fact that I didn't know what was going on (I didn't know if he was fingering me or if he was having sex with me) and that I didn't want to do it and I was unable to give consent due to my state.



As far as I'm concerned, the legal terms don't matter since you have no intention of reporting it, but you are responsible for your own actions and you've admitted that, so drop it and move on.

It's really not fair to drink to excess, drape yourself all over a guy and then claim it's date rape when you have sex with him. If you drink yourself into such a state that you were unable to give consent, it's no one's fault but your own. Don't blame what you do and the condition you find yourself in on someone else.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 08:35 am
If you had the clarity to ask if he was using a condom, then you were aware enough to know what was (going to) happening.

Please re-read your description of your night. You came on to him VERY strong and continued the behavior in the car.

Sorry - file this is in the "regret" and especially in the "never gonna do that again" category.
0 Replies
 
High Seas
 
  3  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 08:45 am
@Dosed,
Dosed wrote:
....This happened Thursday night. ..

Have you spoken to a medic?! Stop wasting time talking to friends, examining your underwear, and looking up legal definitions - print this out and take it to an emergency room. They'll advise you if it's too late to take a morning-after pill and maybe also give you some antibiotics preventively.
0 Replies
 
Dosed
 
  4  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 09:31 am
wow. I didn't realize how harsh you guys were going to be.
I'm not blaming him for anything. I realize I'm an idiot.
I've already taken the morning after pill and I have an appointment with the gynecologist.
By asking if I was raped, I think it's important to understand that I didn't want to do anything and I was unable to say I didn't want to do anything and I was really really scared. It has nothing to do with blaming him. I understand it's my fault that I was in that situation. Just because I was "all over him" doesn't mean I wanted him to have sex with me. I was a virgin and I didn't want to have sex yet. I wanted to say no, and I couldn't. Maybe it's not legally rape, and maybe it's my fault, but it wasn't consensual sex. I didn't want it. It physically hurt me and I was really scared.
wayne
 
  2  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 09:46 am
@Dosed,
I realize how frightening a situation like that can be. It's too bad that happened to you.
You do need to realize that this kind of thing happens all the time where alcohol is involved. If you are unable to look out for yourself when you drink, you might want to rethink drinking at all. Many people are able to maintain themselves and the amount they drink, but not everyone.
Alcohol is not the innocent good time it's cracked up to be.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  4  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 09:52 am
@Dosed,
Internet chat forums are generally pretty rough, so don't take it personally.

This guy had every reason to think you were consenting to sex. You came on to him, you got in the car, you asked if he was using a condom. By your own description, you did a lot of things saying yes and did nothing saying no. At some point, you have to say no and you say you didn't, perhaps due to fear. Given that you sent all the yes signals prior to that, you would be hard pressed to say what the guy did wrong here and saying someone raped you is a whole lot of wrong.

You should take the comments about liquor abuse seriously. You are not the first person to end up with regrets after a night of drinking. A lot worse could happen to a person who is not in control of herself after a night of hard drinking. Perhaps this is a wake up call for you and the New Year is a good time for a resolution concerning moderation.
0 Replies
 
Dosed
 
  2  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 10:14 am
While I didn't say no (I don't think) I never said yes. He never asked if I wanted to have sex. He just did it. And at that point I couldn't do anything and I was so drunk it didn't occur to me that I could say no. I remember laying there and my mind racing and looking down and seeing his pants off and being scared and then asking if he had a condom on. When he said yes I remember I said "really?" and tried to look up but I couldn't. I don't remember anything else. In my mind, I don't feel like I gave consent. I'm not looking for someone to blame, once again. And I don't want to get him into trouble. I would never say this to my friends or to him or to anyone. I just want my own peace of mind. Maybe that's me not wanting to realize that I allowed something so stupid to happen. I don't know. I'm not inclined to say it was rape so that I can make him look bad or have someone else to blame for the situation. If I had been unconscious would it have been rape? If he was less drunk than me would it have been rape? I realize rape is a harsh term, especially considering the fact that I came onto him. I don't know. I'm an idiot. Maybe you guys are right. He didn't intend to harm me and I'm pretty sure he probably thought I wanted it in his state of mind, but that doesn't change the fact that I didn't want it. you know? I just don't know how to rationalize what happened in my mind and that scares me. I'm not a promiscuous person. Maybe it's a good thing this happened though, because I'm never going to be drinking that much again. I know it still could have been a lot worse, but this is probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me while drinking. I still feel like I didn't give consent and I know that I did not want it. I know that I'm emotionally distraught over what happened. I still really want to think of the situation as a date rape, but I suppose that isn't fair.
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 10:17 am
You realize that you put yourself in an awful situation. You wanted to say no but you didn't. A witness says you appeared to be game for whatever was going down. Asking if he had on a condom was a form of consent. It was not rape but hopefully, a very valuable lesson learned. Don't do things that you will later on regret. And if you do, there's no one to blame but yourself.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 11:19 am
@Dosed,
It is a scary situation and there is very little you can do afterward, just be lucky it happened with a guy you found hot and that there weren't any other guys taking advantage of you while you were intoxicated. It can be possible that he slipped you some liquid ecstasy where you're semi passed out and cannot control your body or thought process. A small dosage of liquid ecstasy is potent for a few hours only and there are no traces found afterward and you hardly would notice it in your drink.

As with every learned lesson, it's painful, but hopefully you learned from this
that you a) won't get drunk b) don't leave your drink - buy another one if
you leave it unattended for a while, and c) have someone watch out for you
when going to public bars. Your friend was the driver of the car you were
in, why didn't she make the guy stop?

I am sorry that you got taken advantage off, Dosed, and it certainly is
a frightening experience, but please don't put yourself in such a helpless,
vulnerable position again. I don't think that women have the luxury of getting drunk in public any longer, it's just so darn dangerous if you do.

0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  3  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 11:37 am
@Dosed,
If he had sex with you when you were not in a state to give consent that is likely rape.



Quote:
In the United States, the definition of rape may vary from state to state, but it is most often defined as:

1. Forced sexual intercourse
2. Sexual intercourse against the victim's will and without his or her consent
3. Sexual intercourse if the victim is mentally or physically incapacitated (This includes drunk or drugged)
4. Sexual intercourse if the victim is under the age of consent


Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/13935-rape/#ixzz19toDTcAm


I don't know about the law in the US...but it would certainly not be a case that would be likely to get anywhere here....partly because it would be very hard to establish if you gave consent or not. Here, if a man believes you gave consent that is a defence, even if the belief is not particularly reasonable

It's possible he himself was in a similar state, though being capable of either putting on a condom or lying about one suggests he had some awareness of what was going on.

I think people here are being extraordinarily harsh.

Erm...coming onto someone does not give them carte blanche to have sex with you

Yes, it's a damn fine idea not to get yourself into these situations and I hope you take a lot of wisdom away from this...but leaving the shop door unlocked doesn't make it ok for someone to come in and make off with the inventory.

If you were unconscious it would MOST CERTAINLY HAVE BEEN RAPE.

It's NOT a good thing this happened.


It sounds like neither you nor anyone else will ever know exactly what took place, ie whether you gave consent or not.....but it's left you feeling shitty and that's bad.

The good is if you care for yourself better in future, but I am very sorry that the lesson for you has been harsh.

Yeah, it's dumb to get so drunk, but you're no orphan in doing that, and decent people, especially friends, take care of folk who have become ridiculously drunk. Had I been a friend of yours, I would have done my best to get you the hell home safely if I had realised how drunk you were.

Be careful about thinking you were drugged and blaming it on that. Such things can certainly happen, and you need to take precautions, but most blood testing of people who think there were drugged to get them to have sex find only copious amounts of alcohol.

I don't really know how you are going to get peace of mind...what would give you that?

I am glad you are having a medical examination.








0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 Jan, 2011 11:39 am
If you don't say no, he doesn't know what you want - he can't read your mind. There's no way this was rape despite what you wanted because you didn't let him know; in fact, it was to the contrary - it looked like you wanted it.

I'm sorry, too, that you are hurt and upset. Maybe talk to a professional about this?
 

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