Did I get raped?

I don't know who said this, but as I was reading through the posts, someone commented that I may perhaps be trying to put this experience into a "neat little box" in my mind. Someone else commented that my issue with how I"m dealing with this has to do with regret for poor decision making. I have to respond that yes, both of these things are at play in my mind right now. I do regret putting myself in the situation I was in. I am coming to terms with the fact that this is completely my fault, regardless of whether what happened was something I did not want to happen. I'd also like to respond to whoever commented that perhaps I wanted it to happen at the time, and later realized that I didn't want sex to happen. That is not true. I've tried to make it clear in telling the account of what happened that I only wanted to make out with him. (by the way, straddling someone does not give consent to have sex. I've straddled men while making out, but that never means I want to have sex with them.) Further, when I felt something enter me, I became very frightened and didn't know what to do. At that point, I knew that things had gone too far and I knew (in my intoxicated state of mind) that something bad was happening. I remember thinking "am I having sex? I don't want to do this." and being scared, but I also remember thinking that I couldn't stop it. I was very drunk, the word "no" didn't occur to me. In my thought process, it wasn't able to be stopped. I did however, have the mental clarity to ask if he was wearing a condom. I don't know why this was the way my thought process worked. I was very intoxicated and that's what my mind was doing at the moment. I also remember feeling "in and out" of the situation. I don't feel like I was aware of my surroundings, I don't think I knew I was in a car, I don't remember being aware that someone else was there. I remember bits and pieces of what was happening. Yes, I realize that this is my fault. I drank way too much and I threw myself at a man I didn't know. However, I did not, at the time it was happening nor later on, want to have sex with him. I understand that the issue here is consent, and I'm sure he did not mean me any harm, or at least I hope not, and I am certain that I am as much responsible as he is. This is why I do not wish to get him into any trouble or cause him any social distress over the situation. I understand what a rape charge can do to a man's life, and I don't wish that on him at all. However, it is the issue of internalization that I'm concerned with. I feel the need to classify what happened to me because it has emotionally traumatized me and left me sleepless. I'm dealing with the fact that my actions and my choices caused this, and I believe that I'm going to come out of it a better person and a more responsible person. I don't want to think of myself as a victim. But I cannot think of myself as willingly allowing a man to take my virginity in the backseat of a car as my friend drove while I was intoxicated. I didn't willfully allow him to do that. I didn't want it to happen. Whether or not it was rape, I didn't give consent. I didn't want to have sex. I was scared and I was drunk and I wasn't fully aware of what was happening or where I was.

Thank you all for your thoughts and criticisms and kind words and mean words. They have brought me a lot of perspective and a lot to think about.

Good luck Dosed.

Look Dosed, don't listen to this **** about it "being completely your fault" or say it to yourself.

It's great that you understand your contribution to the situation....but there were two people in the back seat of that car, and, at the very LEAST, it sounds like this guy took no thought for your condition.

Unfortunately this happens all too often and it would leave ANYONE feeling distressed and disturbed. I know because I have worked with large numbers of folk in your situation and sadly all too many people still see all responsible decisions about sex as being the responsibility of the woman. Well, here's some news....he carries responsibility too.




I think counselling is a great idea....and I'd take on board Joe's questions about your drinking, too. Lots of young women these days binge drink, and as well as it leading to putting themselves in unsafe situations, our bodies and brains are even more susceptible to alcohol problems than those of the guys.

Hon, it's a fine line this learning from a mistake vs taking an unreasonable amount of blame.

It's a tough world out there and we have to learn to take reasonable care of ourselves...please PLEASE do from now on...but you being drunk and coming onto a guy doesn't mean he has no responsibility about figuring out if you're in any state to give consent.

And best of luck to you in the future.

He took your virginity? Oh no, I didn't realize that this was your first sexual
encounter and it turned out so horribly wrong for you. Is there any way you
can contact the guy and tell him? He knows that he took advantage of you while you were intoxicated which isn't the honorable thing in the first place,
but he should know that you had no prior sexual experience and that he's responsible for causing you great emotional distress in addition to physical pain. Perhaps he'll stop and think with his brain the next time he's trying
to take advantage of another woman.

I am so sorry that your first experience is such a terrifying one, and yes,
I think you'd benefit from counseling. Don't hold off!

Agreeing, and good post.

Of course you do, because you and we all know that the establishment will attempt to pressure her into blaming the guy and also to hang him in the criminal "justice" system....depending upon the local laws will very likely report it for her and thus hook her and him into the system even though she clearly does not want that...

Get off the roller coaster, hawkeye. No guy in his right mind and who has
any decency in his bones, would take advantage of an intoxicated woman.
Only the sleazy, despicable kind will do such a rotten thing. Make up your
mind, on which side your on.

Oh never mind ,we know already....

if he was anywhere near as drunk as she was, he might not have been in any state to think about consent/non-consent

they both handled this quite badly, though I have to say the one I wonder about the most is the driver of the car - that's who I'd be having some very serious words with - the person was apparently sober enough to drive a car, but not sober enough to realize that it was possible that non-consensual sex was going on in the back of the car? seriously, give me a break - that person needs to be straightened out - they were no one's friend

You are entitled to your view, but you do not have the right to push her to counselling without informing her of what the consequences will likely be. Informed consent...ever heard of it??

Yeah...I think I mentioned both those things in my first post.

What I am keen to dispel is Dosed's belief that "it is all my fault."

I would point out two things - usually the male is as intoxicated as the female, so to blame this only on the male as being the 'sleazy' one is incredibly hypocritical; and secondly - this sort of thing happens on an incredibly frequent basis, on Friday and Saturday nights and pubs and clubs the western world over. And for the vast majority of women they do so knowing full well 'what they are getting themselves into'.

It's younger inexperienced women that the situation may be different and difficult for.

Dosed, perhaps you can look at it this way : You are inexperienced in both life, intoxication levels and their effects (no matter how much you've drunk previously), on being intoxicated while making moves on a guy, and the effects and repercussions, and in sexual encounters, and you contributed to a situation that you did not want to happen...that's alright - you are human, and we humans are imperfect and flawed (despite claims of perfection from many of us), and believe it or not, we do make mistakes. So it's fine to use it as a learning experience, and it's fine to forgive yourself (should you feel that you need forgiveness of self) - just make sure you do use it as a learning experience.

I would point out that you are out of step with the American Legal system, which will blame the man only. we have talked about this at length in the rape thread. I realize that you are not American, and Dosed may not be either IDK, but most of us are and are influenced by the American tendency for the blame and penalty to be completely placed upon the guy regardless of the obviously flawed logic behind this determination.

Dosed must if she is American understand the full potential impact upon both her and the guy of talking about this event to anyone in authority or in the mental health system, as the american establishment is all too willing to remove from her her right to have any say in how this event is dealt with....there are often mandatory report laws, there are university (not sure if she is at university)polices that will mandate that those who violate sexual assault laws be removed from the university, their are mandatory arrest laws and mandatory prosecution policies.

EDIT: I see that Dosed is from India..

I'm bemused that you think I was talking about the American legal system. I was commenting on a personal opinion made by Calamity.

Indiana

Who has been in America for along time and thus subject to American establishment indoctrination that these things are always the guys fault.....

OOPS

Thanks...

CJ isCJ.

I think you're very much mistaken if she pays any attention to any efforts to 'indoctrinate' her. She'd steamroll anyone who tried to tell her what to think.

She thinks what she thinks. I don't often agree with her, but I always appreciate the strength of her beliefs.

From India is one thing - and how do you know that, btw? - but subject to US jurisdiction and legal system is an entirely different thing.

Haha ehbeth, I'll try to improve (soon) but never with hawkeye.

vikorr,

it's no myth than men generally can hold their liquor much better than
women. For one, their physique is differently (more weight) and then they usually have a longer history of drinking. Plus - you as man should know this - a really intoxicated guy rarely has the ability to perform sexually.