What do women look for in men Personality or Looks?

I was rather taken aback by Mame's post on codependency. It seems to me that what has traditionally been described as give and take and supporting one's partner is now described as being codependent.

The bosses are trying to rub out the union. It used to be that it was understood that a marriage was three entities, the man, the woman and the union. Both the man and the woman would invest of themselves into the union. This is now not PC.....the relationship is now supposed to be two complete and full individuals who dont need a mate for anything who choose to do things together. We are now always supposed to be ourselves, we are not supposed to be also one half of a union.

The purpose of this change is that the feminists in particular want to make sure that women don't feel locked into a relationship. They would rather end what was formerly known as marriage than allow what they consider to be the victimization of women.

It's rather the other way 'round. Codependency existed to such an extent during the 1980s that it became a buzzword for many conditions in relationships no doubt caused by a couple's experiences with their own parents. Of course it's found in weak women who seek 'strong' men or men who want to be considered a king by their wives. But, it's also commonplace in persons of authority such as teachers, ministers, psychologists, parents, anybody who thinks they can "fix" everybody else to the detriment of their own needs. That's how support groups resulted off the AA groups (codependencts anonymous, tough love, etc.) because nobody can really "fix" anyone else. But, we can change our own behavior when we hear it described while sitting at a table with 5 others with the same problems.

We can only speak from ourselves, I think. At some point I found, in my own marriage, that I was doing all the emoting. So, I quit the talking, and he eventually wondered why, began speaking up more himself--arguing even. I liked that, his being a factor. Otherwise, I was a shrew, maybe? I never told him any of this, just changed my own behavior.


Controllers often end up being controlled. I have a relative who appears very "strong" but her husband is verbally abusive and used to hit her. So, where is her "strength?" He sucks it up for himself. That is codependency, the worst kind.

What I'm saying is NOT PC and it's NOT just a fad. Read what Pemerson wrote - she explained it very well.

Yes, a relationship is one man, one woman (or two of the same), and a union of them both, but not all unions are healthy for either or both people. When you are co-dependent, it is unhealthy.

Co-dependency often involves mind games - "You'd do it if you loved me" type of stuff. Emotional pressure. Other types of pressure, as well, sometimes overt, sometimes passive, passive-aggressive, etc. I think we should do what we WANT, not what we feel OBLIGATED to do, and when you have a healthy, loving relationship, you more often than not WANT to do those things for the other. But if you are doing them because you feel obligated, it's not right or healthy. Resentment builds, etc etc.

What are you going on about this time? Three entities? "We are now always supposed to be ourselves? ? ? ?"

I wrote a thesis on Medieval marriage . . . spent two years of my life on it. Marriage in the Middle Ages was, for the upper classes, an agreement between families designed to guarantee the retention of property and, for the royal classes, a means of transmitting sovereignty. The lower classes seemed not to have had marriages until later.

But your post posits that codependency is a recent thing.

codependency is not by definition a pathology, there is no listing in the DSM-IV for codependency. the term "codependency" appears to be a psycho-babble replacement term for "Dependent Personality Disorder" or simply "dysfunctional family." "Peter Pan Syndrome" is another one of those psycho-babble diagnosises without legitimate merit. Both essentially meaningless but popular book sales devices for the psychological self-help crowd.

Personality""specifically, women look for men with a good sense of humor: men who make jokes that give them belly-laughs. And the same is true vice versa. Conversely, men also look for women with a good sense of humor: women who get belly-laughs from their jokes.

I second. I'm quite enchanted by funny women.

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Oh, one more thing about personality: Self-confidence. Women go for self-confident men as cats go for catnip, whether or not the confidence is anchored in reality at all. Pretty often, it isn't""in which case the women get depressed because they don't understand how their relationship got so bad. Then they need a BFF male to talk their hearts out. So if you lack self-confidence or the ability to fake it through method-acting, all is not lost. Just go for that BFF job.

I dislike self-help books and find them impossible to read. At a difficult point in my life, someone who was trying to help recommended a self-help book to me that I just could not read. I listened to the audio version . . . it was rather like a PBS fund-raiser at that point . . . and could stand it that way. Funny, I no longer remember which painful period it was, who was the rescuing friend and what book it was.

I would not generalize on that point. Sometimes self-confidence is akin to arrogance and an arrogant man will often be left in the dust.

Because you say this I should answer, POM. I've only seen one book on codependency, and I think of "codependents anonymous" when I think of this subject at all. The idea of this support group in the 1980s was an attempt to halt, stop, cease certain patterns that are carried from one generation to the next in families and in individuals. Something like: We will no longer inherit the sins of our fathers. We will no longer transfer this behavior to our daughters. It is just breaking patterns. The buck stops here. Some, maybe most, were already divorced when they sat in these support groups. They didn't want to carry the pattern to a new relationship. OK? I'm no expert!

there are quite a lot of people who will tell you that a person who maintains that they are correct about something is by definition arrogant, so this word has lost a lot of meaning. It also sometimes means exactly confidence.

Point taken.

I just read a new study that reminded me of this thread.


Why men will judge a woman in milliseconds (it's not because they're shallow...)

While I agree with your second and third points, your first is questionable. There were articles running over an extended period of time in recent years about the dilemma that successful, educated Black women face. Those that want to marry Black men and raise Black children, often find men on the social, intellectual and earnings levels to be in short supply.

That brings up something that was widely discussed in the late 70s: can a woman be attractive and funny.

There was a program on PBS that went into this matter in detail. It may have been a Nova show.