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Divorce and stay friends..

 
 
Reply Tue 9 Mar, 2010 09:38 pm
So many people say this isnt possible.

I want to be the exception to the rule. And i think i will be.


So..... whos been there...?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 36 • Views: 20,343 • Replies: 169

 
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Mar, 2010 09:47 pm
@shewolfnm,
I've been divorced twice (no-fault settlements)..and still friendly with both of my exes, but more so with my last ex. Then after my marriages, I also had two 5-yr-long relationships. Still close friends with my most recent ex g/f and her whole family. we are friends for life. It takes work and know-how by both sides.

I will add to this info that I never had children and neither did either of my ex-wives. Also, the one ex g/f who did have children, I'm no longer friends with. These facts can be interpreted in so many ways.
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Mar, 2010 09:50 pm
@shewolfnm,
I don't hate on my ex.

we dint have kiddos, so that helps.

she is married to my ex best friend. that makes it uncomfortable.

she is still warm with my sis.

we just have no common ground and no reason to speak.

she came to my grampa's funeral.

kinda surprised me.

it can happen.

everyone has to be grown-ups...
0 Replies
 
dyslexia
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Mar, 2010 09:53 pm
we could have been friends maybe but the divorce process got in the way.
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Mar, 2010 10:29 pm
I think it's possible, after some time has passed. With children you should remain civil from the getgo, for the children's sake, but honest friendship with no ulterior motives or hidden agendas will probably take some time.
roger
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Mar, 2010 10:32 pm
@eoe,
That was going to be my answer. My first wife and I are good friends. In spite of some mutual nastiness, we always have been. We just never learned to live with each other.
Ionus
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Mar, 2010 10:33 pm
@shewolfnm,
Been there twice....very good relations the first time. I look over my shoulder to find her wandering around my house - one of her kids let her in. Absolutely shocking the second time...she made too many false accusations to be thought of as remotely human...
0 Replies
 
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 12:21 am
@shewolfnm,
shewolfnm - Is the desire to stay friends a desire to actually be friends or to provide some sort of peaceful/functional environment for your child?

I apologize for cutting through the chase, but I think the answer is important. I don't mean to be overly familiar.

Treading lightly...
K
O
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 12:59 am
Bruce Willis/Demi Moore

Ted Turner/Jane Fonda

one set with kids, one with out....both have done it over the long haul.
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 05:17 am
@Diest TKO,
Diest TKO wrote:

shewolfnm - Is the desire to stay friends a desire to actually be friends or to provide some sort of peaceful/functional environment for your child?


I dont know yet.
So I guess time is the answer.

We will always be 'friends'. And luckily enough there is no nasty stuff going on. As Roger said.. we just dont live together well. But not from any bad standpoint. I dont hate him, he doesnt hate me. We still enjoy each others company, but we see that we are not good as a couple.

this is all nice and roses now, but when the divorce begins , that can bring out the crappy stuff.

We have at therapist though, I dont know exactly what he DOES . We talk things out ourselves.

meh. Im not sure Maybe I need to figure out that for myself first. Smile
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 05:22 am
@eoe,
eoe wrote:

I think it's possible, after some time has passed. With children you should remain civil from the getgo, for the children's sake, but honest friendship with no ulterior motives or hidden agendas will probably take some time.


This will never be an issue.
There is no underlying hate here so I dont feel like being rude or hateful is something Jillian will ever see.
She has seen us argue. But thats not a big deal. Again, we are not rude to each other.

When I think about it, I think it will be on my side.. the time issue.
Since it is me who needs the divorce.
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 05:24 am
@dyslexia,
dyslexia wrote:

we could have been friends maybe but the divorce process got in the way.


i have actually thought A LOT about this.

There is no real need to acutally sign a divorce decree.. not yet.
And it can be during the nit picking, stuff dividing, court assigned things that can make people angry. No one wants to hear someone TELL them they have to take care of a child.
No one wants to be TOLD how to divide their things or who will insure what.

I dont even care about those things. But I know that process can be a really crappy one..
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 06:11 am
@shewolfnm,
haven't been there myself, just as a witness to my parents' divorce. they tried hard to be friends, really didn't work for them.
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 07:11 am
@shewolfnm,
Look for an attorney who specializes in "collaborative divorce." The focus is on settlement, not trial. Many think it's a better process. Back in a second with more info...
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 07:21 am
@Eva,
that IS a better process.

I want to , when we are ready to, agree on what WE want.. and just have someone else put the legal signature on it.
I dont have to worry if he will ever pay child support. He doesnt have to worry if I ever will. We are not those kinds of people. This is just another THING we are going to do together. Not be rude, no drama.. just.. hey, lets do this, and how do you feel about that? can you handle this? can I have that..? type of discussion. Probably over a good beer and home made pizza Smile
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 07:25 am
"If you are interested in a less painful and less destructive process than traditional litigation, a Collaborative Divorce may be right for you. The Collaborative process focuses on your needs and the needs of your spouse and children to preserve your dignity, preserve assets and focus on the welfare of your children. Lawyers agree not to take part in any litigation. This allows everyone to focus on settlement, rather than wasting your time and money preparing for a trial that will likely never happen..."

<snip>

"Q: "How can I plan for the financial impact of my divorce?"

Start with budgeting. Divorce often means spouses must now allocate the same income over two households instead of one. Without a commitment to preparation of realistic budgets, negotiations can quickly degenerate into adversarial proceedings. Budgets enable you to discuss alimony and child support from a factual perspective."

<snip...there is a wealth of information out there...google "collaborative divorce texas" and you can find several sites from Austin>



0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 07:37 am
fantastic!

thank you Smile
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 07:45 am
You are welcome! I hope it works out for you.
0 Replies
 
Green Witch
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 08:05 am
Where have I been? Didn't you just get married SW after a long time of being together? I've obviously missed some events around here.

Anyway, my husband is on friendly terms with his ex-wife. It was an amiable separation of people who got married too young. They do the occasional emails, cards and photo updates. They worked in the same field and still share common interests . No kids, so the ties are very optional. I'm fine with it and I like her. Of course, the fact that she now lives in Denmark makes it even easier.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Mar, 2010 08:29 am
@Green Witch,
ha Smile

No . you have not missed anything. I come to a2k less and less these days. mostly because I am super busy. Work is coming in hand over fist and my life is generally very full . Its quite nice Smile

I have had the idea for 2 years and finally began talking about it and working on it for the last year. It has been an issue since probably the 2nd year together. We are about to hit 9 years.

i wish I could say that it was something bad. That there were terrible things happening, or that it was some super dramatic thing.. But it isnt. We have our little squabbles..differences and such but nothing major.

Its just a personality clash. For me it was obvious right from the begining, but that whole programming of ' he can change' took over. HA! THAT.. is all my fault Smile
 

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