Divorce and stay friends..

Damn lawyers.

I haven't read the whole thread, SW ... have you called CPS on him? From your description, a home visit should happen.

that would be my action if I had to fight yes. I have already called and spoke to a few people and though it may not happen the same DAY i call, i should expect action in 72 hours I was told.

With that on my side, I do not think I would need a lawyer. And if he did get one that would chase a technicality on me, the court still would not grant him custody given the state of his house, proven for a year, the track record of her school behavior, grades and performance for that year, nor would the medical records help either.

that is the goal.

Right now I do not have the power to pull that rule out because there is no legal definition for any custody yet. There is barely a divorce going.

granted, since there IS no definition going I could very well take her and not let him see her and be well with in my own rights to do so, but I do not want that. I will not do anything deliberately to separate them. He has extreme depression issues along with other things.He wont 'hurt' her and isnt dangerous in the text book definition... but... His one danger to her is allowing her to live with him. When that happens her health suffers, her psychological state suffers and her life suffers. Once I remove that danger, she is safe and he is , with in those outlines , a good parent. Her living there is not with in his capabilities..

and no, im not taking a dig at lawyers

its their job to find loopholes, prove guilt or innocence and find a way to make that stick.

I fully expect that to happen to me if he hires one. So long as my evidence covers any possibility of a refection of a bad parent on MY behalf.. im not worried.

That makes sense. I was going to ask you if he could be clinically depressed.

what ever it is, it is pretty extreme . He wont get a diagnosis because he sees absolutely nothing wrong.

Wow. Very hard situation for both you and bean. Keep talking, keep sorting through the separation issues, and Keep Documenting!!!

I'm trying to keep it civil, but shes really into me and I cant get her to let go. I've layed it all down, told her its over so many times it's starting to get really old, like I'm her psychiatrist or something. We broke up 8 months ago for crying out loud.

You're obviously in the wrong thread.

She - where will the Bean be when I come out? I'd like to see her again - it's been 3 yrs since I saw that little monkey.

I know you'll win what you want and need - the court's usually in favour of the child... and that lifestyle is obviously not good for her. He sounds extremely dysfunctional and I don't really understand why he'd want to be her primary care-giver. He needs help, too.

I'm looking forward to coming down and tormenting both you and chai I just spent four glorious days in PEI with my sister, her husband, and my husband (finally saw the man again). Can't wait to spend another four with you guys. It'll be upon us before we know it. Yippee!!

not in the wrong thread. My initial question is essentially who has done it ( stayed friends) and how is it going...and he answered.


Little bean lives with me. She will be here except for the weekends where she spends the night with her grandma. Quade has moved in too So we are all going to be lounging around bellyaching, drinking and laughing .. WEEEEEE

i get the same types of calls from my ex too.
In fact just TODAY he called me asking me if I knew some woman whos name is so common it was just ... I dunno.. odd. he was trying to ' get to know her'......and he asked me?
Other times he will call me about his dates, why isnt he finding someone.. why is he always finding married women..etc.etc..

I get ya.. it doesnt feel too hot..

It is hard to stay civil with someone who is missing a big piece of the puzzle.

we are approaching the legal out lines for his ability to see the bean. Yes.. he has to have rules or he wont see her.

he fails to see the neglect in how he was 'taking care' of her while she lived with him. and he now fails to understand WHY he has to have rules about how she can stay and what she can and can not live in.

Most people would look at the situation that she came from and be sickened... he looks at it as 'no big deal'.

i dont know how to stomach this.

Shewolf: admittedly I've read this thread casually. All I can add is you've my sympathy. From my perspective you're taking the best road you can. Unfortunately it's one that requires more contact with your out-of-the-bounds-of-reality-ex for you and your child than is desirable.

My personal experience with divorce (2x) either evolved to amiable or remained civil and never involved children...only property. I've been lucky but strived for that. I also had partners that were reasonable and centered.

Perhaps soon things will change and your child will be the beneficiary of a smoother path. Maybe sanity and reason will prevail and then your ex will evolve to either conforming or withdrawing to a point where the welfare of your child is better considered.

It is terribly difficult to stay civil with your ex-spouse when a kid is involved and you have to hand her over for weekend visits all the while knowing that
the kid isn't properly taken care of. For bean's sake I hope your ex will realize his limitations and agree to set rules.
Stay strong!

if i were very honest, i would tell you that I really just want to pack and move and take her completely. It isnt that I do not want her to have a relationship with her dad, it is just that it is dangerous when someone who is willing to DO that, does not SEE that as an issue..

he...REALLY.. does not see the problem with having allowed her to sleep in a pissy bed , go to school in dirty pull ups, not brush her teeth for weeks, not turn in her home work, moldy food in the kitchen, no clean dishes, cat **** from animals that have not lived there for over 2 years.

I just want to burst sometimes and beat him to a pulp. Would I do that? absolutely not. But I am beyond myself with having to play the nonchalant partner in order to get him to sign for the outlines he needs to keep her safe. I really want to tell him that the second his house even has a layer of dust in it, Im taking her.. the second she does not have her teeth brushed we are going to court..etc. Yeah, thats how I really feel. But how i behave is much different.


Im honestly exhausted.

Aw, so sorry about what you're going through, shewolf.
You don't hate your ex & would much prefer an amicable relationship with him, I know, but he isn't leaving you much choice, is he?
I'm not at all surprised that this process is exhausting you.
I want to wish you the best in doing the right thing for your daughter.
What else can you possibly do in the circumstance?
Stay strong.

Yeah, that is what is difficult. I do not hate him. We are still friends.
I see him just as the person I have always known him as, but now I am really seeing the depression he has and his lack of willingness to do something about it. But both go hand in hand. It is a disgusting circle.
One one hand I have pity, empathy and sympathy for his situation. On the other hand, ( which is stronger) all i see is someone who just wants to shuck responsibility and keep making everything everyone elses fault and not pay attention to himself.
Yes I know these types of mental problems can be debilitating beyond some peoples own recognition. But after years and years of people telling you, there comes a point when you HAVE to get up and do something. Thats personal responsibility and that is what he lacks. I see that part more now than ever before. It is infuriating.

To the legal process....

After a bit of research I have found that a mediation process here in texas handles most of everything for you if nothing is contested. You can go to them to get your agreement written up, then take it to the law library to have it drawn up as a decree then it is up to you to do the filing. THERE is where it costs. Filing fees are pretty large.
I have spoken with a lawyer, really cool guy too! , and he is going to help me with the wording, outlines for visitations and consequences for him. Then we take it to the mediator. He ( lawyer) also says that with teh strong allegations of neglect being the reason for this type of outline in the decree he is not at all surprised if it will have to be in front of a judge at some point so he will do that as well. But nothing else unless i request to help keep costs down. The last thing I have is thousands for a lawyer . And the only way that would happen is if he decides he does not want to agree to these outlines. Then its gloves off , balls to the wall all out fighting. I will NOT allow her to stay in his house with how he treated her before so then it would get ugly.

im crossing my fingers.
Doing a dance
what ever it takes to hope this stays the way it is.

I feel exhausted sometimes. Im tired of this being the main subject on my mind and in my life.
I feel sometimes like I am betraying him by making these rules. As if I am painting him out to be an evil man. He isnt. He just does not see how his laziness hurt bean and he doesnt understand that it IS a type of abuse. I feel like a bitch who is trying to take someones child away from them.I feel angry at him for making me have to react like this. He knows whats wrong.He knows what people see and he has heard from a lot of people what is going on with him. He at this point does not even HAVE to see it himself, but i dont understand why...everyone , every where , people who dont even know each other...are telling him the exact SAME THING.. yet he just shines it off. Because of that , I HAVE to do this...and I hate him for that. But not in a malicious way which makes it feel that much more difficult.It isnt the type of anger that makes me want to hate, fight..etc.

bah. yucky stuff.

Good luck, SW. I hope your process goes smoothly.

chin up, wolfette...

and hold your dominion.

Finally got him to court.
Had the first 'meeting' so to speak last week.

He signed and declared me custodial parent. No big thing really.. but it has started the landslide.
in a week and a half we are going to the mediator. This is his last chance to be able to agree to things.. if it doesnt work out comes the lawyer.

*bah*