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I want a divorce

 
 
Reply Sun 16 Oct, 2011 05:22 pm
I am married to an amazing man. Someone who will do anything for me. Someone who's done everything to make me happy. But I'm not in love. I've never been. I tried to.... I thought that somehow I could. But now almost 9 years later and it's still not there. I hate myself for feeling this way. He deserves someone better. Someone who will love him. But how do I tell him? I feel awful... not to mention everyone will probably hate me and call me stupid for ending what others consider a "perfect" marriage.
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 4,755 • Replies: 14

 
CalamityJane
 
  4  
Reply Sun 16 Oct, 2011 05:31 pm
@conflictedthoughts,
You live only once and you have to do what you have to do. Good luck!
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Oct, 2011 06:52 am

If he's "so" perfect, what's not there to love?

Is there someone else turning you on?

What is the source of this dissatisfaction with a "perfect" man?
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Oct, 2011 07:31 am
@conflictedthoughts,
Welcome to A2K. Hope you find the answers to your problem. No one here is calling you stupid at all and I doubt that they will.

Are you a happy person in general? Were you happy before you married him? Do you work out of the home? Do you have children? How do you like your job? How are you other relationships? Have you been diagnosed with depression? Has something happened in your life that might have caused a depression?
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Oct, 2011 07:44 am
@conflictedthoughts,
Some people work together, others do not. That in itself is not a big deal.
TELLING HIM.... oh yeah, that is going to be hard and maybe 100% honesty isnt best at first. Im not saying lie about it, but since you can not yet pinpoint what it is you do not like and what it is that is not working for you 100% honesty is impossible right now.

Its going to hurt him and you. There is no getting around it. The longer you draw it out the harder it gets on you and the more time you have to explain when he asks 'how long have you felt this way' . Men in general seem to operate on very cut and dry ideas ( for the most part ) and women feel their way through with emotions. For us, thinking through something like this can take a long time, where as for some men its easier , makes more sense and is just HOW you do it if you just come right out and say it , no expectations to be had .

Maybe... try writing in an email what you would say, and picture what you think HE would say and try to prepare yourself for that talk. If you have pictured it enough, worked out what you will say and are able to focus easier on the task instead of wondering what will happen....that might help.

It helped me.
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  2  
Reply Sat 29 Oct, 2011 07:45 am
but CJ is absolutely right.

why waste YOUR life feeling so bad? No, it isnt selfish to think that way. You are depriving him too. You are both getting nothing , so why do it. Its hard.. but its true
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Oct, 2011 08:08 am
@conflictedthoughts,
Has he any idea how you feel? Have you considered counseling? Individual or marital? I'm surprised no one has suggested it here.

Perhaps this is a reflection of how you feel at the moment..possibly due to depression? Have you ever had a relationship that you were really happy with?

There could be many reasons (some could be temporary ones) for how you feel. Could some of these reasons could be a phase you're going through? Of course, there is the possibility the two of you are just not a good match, too.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sun 6 Nov, 2011 03:12 pm
@conflictedthoughts,
You chose a man that could love you, would love you, why would you not give that ago, instead of someone who wouldn't, who would hurt you, put you down, cheat and abuse.

You've tried to give back, it hasn't happened...

9 years is a long time. But, we all deserve to be happy if we are not , we simply must move on...Pain doesn't last forever, one day he will find someone else to love that will love him back and be glad you made that move.

You can not live in a loveless marriage, it destroys you... Your self worth and all that you are... So too you will find what you have been searching for eventually, once you get back in tune with yourself, you...

As for other people? Pftttt...It is your life, you live it once, you do not have to explain anything to anyone...You have your reasons is all you need to state if anything and leave it at that.

If you had said " I loved him once" there may be a chance to bring it all back alive but given you stated you have never loved him, therefore, settled in hope you would...You owe it to both of you to get out of this now.
0 Replies
 
vincentsylvan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Dec, 2011 10:18 pm
@conflictedthoughts,
Do you think you are able to love a man?
Did you love a man in the past?
Maybe it is as simple as finding the right man.
0 Replies
 
vincentsylvan
 
  0  
Reply Fri 9 Dec, 2011 10:28 pm
@conflictedthoughts,
Does he know you do not love him?
Are you sure he does not have other women somewhere else?
How can he be perfect when he do not get love from you?
Perfect men have radar, they can tell if their woman loves them or not.
Is this the Twit line. Some of you folks have such a strange problems.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Dec, 2011 05:05 am
@vincentsylvan,
Some want love so bad, they just take and in that, don't give because all they are after is that feeling of "being loved" even if it's by the wrong person.

That is sad, because the other person believed for how ever long, short or long, that someone loved them.

It was never so
0 Replies
 
trulylost
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Dec, 2011 06:19 am
@conflictedthoughts,
First of all I truly wish you don't have kids as their life would be damaged by this...
My brother and his wife went through the same thing, I remember having an IDENTICAL discussion with my brother's wife where she told me he's PERFECT as a father and a husband but she doesn't love him, she tried to but she couldn't, she can see him as the perfect friend who isn't her love (although they were married for 8yrs at that time), I guess she wanted an adventure, parties, going crazy and not giving **** about a thing, she also wanted to prove herself as a woman and be the best in her field which required excessive travelling and stuff and she couldn't do this while being married, a year later she asked for a divorce and got it, she was a good woman who left the house for my brother and gave him full custody to the kids as she knew she couldn't raise them and move on with her "new life" at the same time. She's currently in love with a guy who's the complete opposite of my brother and she's MUCH happier...
I would advice you to get a divorce without screwing his life, if you know you don't love him then you don't love him, if he's a good man then he doesn't deserve having your body without your heart, and you having this conflict means you're a good girl who appreciates your man yet will never be satisfied with your marriage, you don't deserve this neither your husband. Don't listen to anyone who judges your decision as they aren't there, they don't know the suffering you're going through everyday, moreover, I honestly believe your husband feels you're not there and he's hurting.
if you believe that's not what you want in life then move on, talk to your husband, tell him what you feel and be sensible (coz this will hurt his ego and pride), unless you truly believe he's going to smash your head with a hammer talk to him in person, a phone call or an E-mail is insulting (imagine someone breaking up with you via E-mail or voice message), maybe try doing so in a semi-public place like a park or somewhere where people can see you but not hear you, moreover, depending on your situation and your husband's reaction you may want to find a place to live in till things get resolved. I know it's not easy for you to talk to him (had technically been there) and it's not easy for your husband to hear it (had technically been there too) but you have to do what you have to do, most probably time will prove to you and your husband that you both leaving each other was better for both of you...
Read everyone else's advise (I truly hope someone else can solve your problem in a less destructive way) then choose what you believe may work out for you, I truly wish you the best.
0 Replies
 
seattle2be
 
  2  
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2012 06:32 am
@conflictedthoughts,
It is like reading my post..I am in the exact same boat. I have been married 7 years and am miserable. He is a great father and has been a good husband. Would do anything for his family. I just am not in love. Haven't been for a while. Like you- I tried to change myself, do things i used to enjoy and got nothing. I held in my feelings to avoid hurting his. When i mentioned to my family and friends that i wasn't happy. I got no support-this was me being bored and i "should just suck it up because that is what i signed up for when i took my vows". I finally told him that i wasn't happy and since then things have been out of control. We fight everyday and our kids are miserable. I finally got my family and friends to be supportive after they saw how he was treating me. It is hard, i pray everyday for this misery to end. But i look forward to when it is all said and done and I can move on and BE HAPPY! Everyone deserves to be happy, so if this is what you want you just have to say it. I am more worried about financials and the kids at this point. He has already told me he was going to start a new family so i guess his feelings will recover.
0 Replies
 
bug1414
 
  1  
Reply Sun 19 Aug, 2018 12:32 pm
@conflictedthoughts,
I’m in the same boat. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m torn every single day. But I wanted to say you are not alone and there are people that will support your decision! Good luck.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sun 19 Aug, 2018 01:16 pm
@bug1414,
NOTE: I am not a doctor.

For you (because this post is kinda old, actually - yeah, I know, the date numbers are really tiny), consider: what makes it a hard decision? Ann Landers used to always say - get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle and mark the two columns "Positives" and "Negatives". Or you can call them "Reasons to Stay" and "Reasons to Go" or whatever you like but you get the idea.

Now start listing everything, and I mean everything. Just get it all out on paper (yeah, you could potentially do this on your phone but paper is better and I'll show you why in a moment). Pros might be he's a good provider or an excellent dad if you have kids, or he's kind or generous or a thousand other things. Cons might be things like never does anything around the house, no job and no ambition to get one, lousy father, snores, leaves dirty socks on the floor, whatever.

It's the big stuff and the trivial, annoying stuff. Because after all, you have to live with both.

Got all that down? Good!

Now go through the list, Rank both the good and the bad. The good list is best to "least good". The bad list is worst to "least bad".

So a good list might go something like this:
  1. Loves me
  2. Great father
  3. Good provider
  4. Good-looking
  5. Generous
  6. Trying very hard
  7. Takes the trash out without being asked
Whatever your personal list is, that's the right order. And the bad list might go something like this:
  1. Yells at the kids
  2. Won't try to get a job
  3. Never helps around the house
  4. Lousy driver
  5. Never asks for directions
  6. Drinks the milk straight from the carton
Again, your list, your ordering.

Now compare the two. Obviously, my examples probably aren't good for just one person because good father and yelling at the kids are probably not going to go together that much. So consider the highest highs. Are they enough to balance out the lowest lows? Or is it the other way around?

And also consider what can be fixed, and how. And what it will take to fix things. Someone who yells at the kids might be abusive -- or they might just need a parenting class. Someone who snores might need a trip to the doctor to find out if he's got sleep apnea. Someone who's not good looking is another matter entirely. Suggesting plastic surgery for someone who isn't interested in it is going to go over like a lead balloon. And I've had it, BTW - it's not necessarily an easy recovery and it's expensive as all get out.

So consider the fixes. Are they reasonable? Attainable? Within your budget? And some of those fixes should be on you, BTW. If he never asks for directions then hey, check your phone and find the route yourself. If he tosses his socks on the floor, maybe he needs a hamper in the room. If he drinks the milk straight from the carton, why not buy two separate cartons and label them really well?

One of the members of this site, @chai2, once said something which really struck a chord with me years ago. She said, "Decide what hill you want to die on." That is, decide what is going to be the thing that matters the most, the absolute deal-breaker. Carton-drinking probably shouldn't be that hill. Abuse probably should be that hill 100% of the time.

One thing that a list exercise like this does is, it gives you perspective.

BTW, toss the paper once you're done with it. Burn or shred it -- just get it out of your home, okay?

And talk to a therapist if this exercise doesn't give you clarity. It doesn't have to be a marriage counselor, but it can be. You can go alone or with your husband -- your choice.

Talk about your feelings with an impartial professional. Lay those cards on the table. No one can make you love someone. But they can help you to see what's there to be seen. And they can help you to make a decision, whatever it is.

Because limbo stinks. Go all in, or go.
0 Replies
 
 

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