Divorce and stay friends..

It's not hard to be friends, or at least friendly. You're in the right head space, he's not, is all. But he'll get there. He may as well, you have the rest of your lives connected through your daughter.

I'm friendly with all three exes, not that we are friends, per se, but it's all very civil and pleasant. I had lunch with my son's step-mom the other day, for example, and had a drink with his uncle who I bumped into. And his dad came over a while ago to give me reno advice on our bedroom and bathroom. So, it's totally possible.

How's the car?

Did i tell you there is old cat **** in her room?

yes.

old

Um, yeah, you did and that's just GROSS.

it smells less bad when it's old...

And so began the conversation today about who meets who.

We agreed, when it was time and we wanted someone in our lives to MEET little woman, we would discuss it.

So... yesterday when taking him to the store and getting things done, I just had to blurt it out. I sat on the idea for a day like a hot glass ball in my belly. Not from anxiety about introducing her, but from telling HIM. It was odd.

And just as I thought.....he squabbled out words of reconciliation, and anger.

And for a slight minute, I looked him right in the eye and genuinely felt my way through that very thought. As present as I could be, I stayed in that image, in that feeling and when he left for the night, I mulled it around more.

I will always love him for being in my life. I will always enjoy him and I will always see him as one of the MOST important people in my life.

But the very idea of sharing a total life with him again is unreal, scary and deeply depressing. I feel odd even saying that, but that is what it comes down to.
It does not MAKE me a bad person, but sometimes I feel that way..


weeee. what a roller coaster ride.

shewolf, you cheatin' whore.

This is very sad news for me, because I care so much for both of you.Yet this is the kind of thing that is so personal that noone can really know what is happening in the intimacy of a marriage.

I know that both of you are crazy for Jillian and will sacrifice anything for her, that is the most important part of this entire matter.

hugs and kisses to all.

an update.

one i am on the fence about posting

I am filling out my paper work now for the divorce.
I have been in bean's school weekly for over a month combating the questions of how she is going to school ( look, smell etc)
why no home work has been turned in
questions of lunch quality - 1 piece of pizza and an apple
shoes with holes for weeks
hair not done


yeah.
Lets just say his priorities are backwards and I am really feeling very shitty about assuming he was capable of keeping her in school.


and that is all for now..
this will get ugly.

I am sorry to hear that, shewolf, and I hope you find a solution for bean's sake.

the solution is to get her out.
she needs to be with me

hence... the papers in my lap

a good lawyer? would be lovely but not possible. So im representing myself with as much evidence as i can muster.

Take notes, get the teachers in bean's school to document everything and
take pictures of her in school (when her clothes are dirty, holes in shoes etc.)
the more documentation and testimony you have, the better for you.

oh, gads, wishing you power.

got it all

and then some.

Perfect! That's all you need to get temporary custody, get social services
involved too.

I assume that you have been in touch with legal aid...

http://www.trla.org/tag/19

http://www.vlsoct.org/who/

Sorry - all I can say

Fast forward to now.. she is living with me since the school meeting in May, in a new school, new kids, new start etc. She has a teacher who does dyslexia testing so she knows what to look for and understands the reading needs. I go to her class every day to see how she is doing and get different tips on helping jillian. We have a different lesson plan for her and it is wonderful . Between her new teacher and myself, jillian's reading ability has shot through the roof, and her confidence has taken a huge turn. Her entire personality has changed. She used to be very quiet and withdrawn, now she is a feisty argumentative , opinionated happy little girl. Before, she would never speak up for herself, never say no and was dangerously compliant with everyone.

Her life is great now. her dad thinks Im irresponsible and should not have her full time.
Since I found out what was going on and talked to her teacher I started video taping, photographing and logging his house. still....2 years later, When you walk in, you smell garbage. His house looks like a hoarders episode. He has trash in that house from when I LIVED THERE 2 years ago. I **** you not. There are bags of old USED cat litter in the garage from my cats who have been gone close to 2 years but Im sure I already wrote about that. When I went through her room there, i found cat **** ....again.. years old. Her bed reaks of piss. No cover on the mattress and stains all over the place. Her room is his catch all for his junk. There was one time where you could not even open her door the junk was piled so high and so thick. When someone would come over , he would spend 2 days cleaning and pushing everything that he didnt have a place for into her room and shutting the door. She was his garbage dump.

And he still does not see this. Not that I am really into pushing him TO see it, Im just constantly astounded by his blindness.

He thinks Im too irresponsible to have her full time and that he will fight for her if the court says that I should get her, or that if we HAVE to name a primary parent ( which we do) he says he would fight to be that parent.
All I can think of is why would he want to force her into that **** hole and keep depriving her of a real life? How in the hell can he NOT SEE the **** ( literally) that is in front of him.

I have been self employed for 6 years. There are times, even now where money is so tight it scares the **** out of me, but yet I always make it work. I will always keep hunting work and always make sure that what is needed is done. There are times I cant afford her therapist co pay so I have to put off her visits. But i pay it, and keep her going.

but some how i am irresponsible.

her therapist sees an eating disorder, one i have caught glimpses of before. She is 7 for fucks sake and i know where that came from.

ugh

we are finally at the point to submit papers to court but he is still being timid.
I can NOT afford to just take it to court and challenge him. In no way. It HAS to be a consensual agreement or he will get a lawyer and I am up **** creek. Though, with what I have I should win hands down. But you know lawyers...their job is to find a technicality and run with it. And if I cant afford to stop that race, i better not start it to begin with.

its a long drawn out thing, but so far i have gotten him to agree to me being the main parent.

i hope it stays that way.

I do too - for you and your daughter.

I hope too, shewolf, for Jillian's sake. The more you document (especially his **** hole) the more you gain. Yes, be careful with lawyers and try to work it out between the two of you and have him sign a document you've drawn up that he relinquishes joint custody and acknowledges you as primary parent. Also, visitation rights should be granted but no overnight stay in his house - no child should live in such filth.

I read you a lot, have for few years. Didn't know, though, that you have gone through a divorce and having this terrible time with your ex.

So happy to read in your last posts that Jillian (Bean) is finding herself again with you, that she is happier and well.

Sounds like you have a new life, now. I wish you success in your work, whatever that may be. I think you were a photographer? I come and go, here, so miss great chunks of communication from folks. Brave, girl, you.