13
   

First time cheater, why did it happen after I'd finally got married???!!

 
 
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 11:54 am
@JPB,
Might as well put it in the local paper if my experiences are anything to go by.

"Chick" eh? She's middle aged.
0 Replies
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 12:47 pm
@Diest TKO,
[quote]Ahem...

There are how many children caught up amongst both his and your families?

If you are under any sort of misconception that how is pans out only effects you, snap out of it. There is no way the pay off is worth the risk. If things are lame with the husband, don't let your relationship with your kids be a casualty of your curiosity. He has kids too. This really isn't acceptable.

It's not about liking or disliking cheaters either. If no kids were involved, I'd be inclined to just say: "Do as you wish. You know the consequences, and it's your conscious to answer too."

This is NOT that case.[/quote]
I think the payoff is worth the risk for some. And you seem to be blaming Conflicted for all of this, there is a guy involved too.

Her boyfriend is a young guy with a bunch of toddlers-- he must be stressed out of his mind with the responsibility and probably ought to have waited a little while before producing a small litter of children. Add to that a bit of boredom with the day-to-day repetitive resposibilites involved with raising a family.

I can see why it's appealing for Conflicted, she's peaking sexually and here's this young guy who just needs an escape from all the responsibilities.

Affairs with married people are just that-- affairs, they happen all the time.

0 Replies
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 01:04 pm
@Diest TKO,
Quote:
Ahem...

There are how many children caught up amongst both his and your families?

If you are under any sort of misconception that how is pans out only effects you, snap out of it. There is no way the pay off is worth the risk. If things are lame with the husband, don't let your relationship with your kids be a casualty of your curiosity. He has kids too. This really isn't acceptable.

It's not about liking or disliking cheaters either. If no kids were involved, I'd be inclined to just say: "Do as you wish. You know the consequences, and it's your conscious to answer too."

This is NOT that case.
K
O

I think the payoff is worth the risk for some. And you seem to be blaming Conflicted for all of this, there is a guy involved too.

Her boyfriend is a young guy with a bunch of toddlers-- he must be stressed out of his mind with the responsibility and probably ought to have waited a little while before producing a small litter of children. Add to that a bit of boredom with the day-to-day repetitive resposibilites involved with raising a family.

I can see why it's appealing for Conflicted, she's peaking sexually and here's this young guy who just needs an escape from all the responsibilities.

Affairs with married people are just that-- affairs, they happen all the time.
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 01:41 pm
Not to mention the very real possibility that with three small children to take care of while Mr Penis is out having fun (er.... earning a living) he's not getting any at home.
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 01:48 pm
@Gala,
We all know they happen all the time Gala. What is really at issue is this public defence of it as if it was somehow okay. A lot of things are happening all the time which we don't set out to justify or even celebrate.

If it becomes the norm people who don't do it will be made to feel bad about themselves.

Her telling her friends is the giveaway. And in coming on here she is looking for being validated.

We are all boring chaps after a fairly short period. The other guy would be just the same if she had washed his underpants a few times and seen him picking his nose and asleep with his gob open and snoring. He has an unfair advantage over the husband and he is breaking union rules. Shagging a fellow man's betrothed is breaking union rules. Okay--men's union rules but I'm not so sure what would happen if the rules were made up by some of the contributors here. I'm inclined to think it wouldn't be much use to women.

Some of you have no idea how tiresome you can get at close quarters after a few years. I see couples in the pub who have been wed for yonks and I often wonder how on earth he puts up with such a silly old bat.

JPB
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 02:36 pm
@spendius,
Gala is a lot more forgiving of this than I am but your point is exactly why conflicted is conflicted. She has a similar moral compass as you'd like her to have but at the same time she's honest enough to acknowledge that her moral compass and her real life are out of sync.

I don't think she's asking for validation - she's just asking for feedback on how one realigns the stars after they've gone off kilter. That may mean kicking herself for the rest of her life for being unfaithful, it may mean dumping her moral compass down the toilet, or it may mean any number of other things.

I have no problem whatsoever with Conflict and Mr Penis getting it on so long as Mr Conflict and Mrs Penis are on board with the plan and are saying, "I'm not ready, willing, and able to meet your needs, honey -- go for it." The dilemma here is that neither of them are likely to say that so Conflicted has the hard job of figuring out where to go from here - all the while realizing that she's unhappy in her marriage.

Mr Penis is a jerk, imo, who needs to think with his other head for once. Unfortunately, he's not the one who is here asking for feedback.
spendius
 
  2  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 03:31 pm
@JPB,
Well JP--Our heroine is seeing the guy all the time so she can tell him what we have said. She can tell him that I know where he's coming from and that the risks he's taking are not worth it.

I wonder if she has told him that she has been bragging to her friends about having pulled this younger bloke and parading their case over the internet.

As TKO said--it's the kids. She should cut and run and keep her trap shut. The best has already happened.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 04:52 pm
Wow yall.

its just SEX.Thats it. nothing else.
Just a few minutes of physical pleasure.

NOT the end of the world.

though I agree, the others in this case stand to be hurt more than anything.
THAT should be avoided, respected and maintained. If it comes to divorce for either conflicted or her lover, they should go to the ends of the earth to keep that secret a secret. It just is not fair for anyone to know about it. But stone throwing does no good. It is standing in judgment of someone elses ability to make and maintain a decision that does not belong to you.

Plain and simple. No need to be hateful about it.

Affairs happen alllllllllllllllllllllll the time
Can i say that again?
Alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time.
That should say something about humans hard wiring right there.
Until religion came along and said " no more wild sex, Just have one partner" we as humans were a lot more relaxed about enjoying our selves. And we are obviously not hardwired for one person for ever. That goes against the very core of procreation for our species.
Church says 'sex bad unless married'
and we all just follow along?
bullshit.
shewolfnm
 
  2  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 04:53 pm
@BillRM,
this conversation was going just fine until you came along.

please take your simplistic, angry, judgmental self some where else.
Im not about to sit and nit pick over "vows"
Im not religious. Churchy **** doesnt apply .
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Nov, 2009 06:13 pm
@shewolfnm,
this conversation was going just fine until you came along.
Im not religious. Churchy **** doesnt apply
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL and more LOL and what does religion have to do with anything at all?

Only religious people care about honoring vows and their given word in your view of life?

Sorry I am a atheist so I am not sure what your complain is concern religion and my postings.

0 Replies
 
Conflicted
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 08:11 am
I appreciate that you all have very strong opinions about my situation. I've gotten some very good insight from some & others are just down right critical. Don't judge me. Don't condenm me by this one action that I am very torn over. For the person who felt I was parading my 'affair' over the Internet...... I truly wanted to get the opinions & thoughst of others that may have experienced what I am experiencing. You don't know me from Adam... Hence, why this is a good forum to vent. If their weren't people like me that have issues to air, you couldn't sit on your soapbox & pass judgement... now could you?
In response to the question why I told my 3 friends: Simply because I needed to confide in & get their thoughts on the situation. These are the folks that know me best. They know it's far out of my character to be in this situation. They know my life story & first hand knowledge of my 16 year relationship & marriage & they would be honest with me. I'd bet my LIFE, on each of my three friends keeping my info private & guareente you--- Id live a LONG life behind it. I'm not the least bit afraid that my business will leak from those sources. I dont know what kind of friends or situations (those of you that question my confiding in my friends) have, but I unequivocally, do not have to worry about a fallout from confiding.
Please don't get me wrong. I am thankful for all of the input, semi-support & thoughts raised within the context of my intial post. I have really been thinking over a lot of the comments that were posed. Nobody deserves to be decieved, especially the one person you've vowed to be with in life. And that is the very reason I'm conflicted. I know my 'dealings' won't last forever. I know it won't go beyond what it is which is sex & friendship.
I can understand that a lot of you made reference to us hurting our children. Well I totally get the bigger picture, which is if our affair is found out how it would impact both our marriages..etc. But unless that happens & it won't (I'm not even gonna claim that thought) we aren't doing anything to harm our kids. Now, my children are older, & it makes me even less concerned that if brought to light they'd be hurt. I might be a cheating wife, but I'm a damn good mother! & that won't change. And as hypocritical as it may sound, (& I know some of you will jump all over this statement), I hope he'll be able to sustain his marriage & raise his young children together with his wife.
Not to be cavalier about the situation or ego-trippin, or validating or any of the other snide remarks I've read---- but being real with myself ... I am not under any pretenses. I know this ordeal is wrong due to obvious circumstances. I don't want a relationship past what it currently is (if I got a divorce, it wouldn't be for the purpose if pursing my married lover).
We could never trust each other, look at how we got together... (lol.... Bad joke)

I am going to deal with all of the deeper & bigger issues in due time that I know are at the core of this indiscretion.
For those that find themselves understanding my inner turmoil... You can imagine my demons.
For those of you who just can't fathom the fact that martial indiscretions happen ( and sometimes to people you'd never expect- as it has here).... Be glad.

S_wolf, gala, jpb - I know that I didn't get those tags right, but u guys were my source of impartial advice (& a few others that I can't think of offhand) I'm not saying that u support my infidelity, but you all spoke from the viewpoint of : 'what's done is done, now here's some ways you might be able to salvage it'. That I appreciate. That is the reason I posted & followed the conversation. No one post on blogs ( at least I wouldn't) to be judged, and demeaned & torn down with criticism. Although, you have to expect just about anything from these post... lol .. The post I read from each of you was revelavant & thought provoking, & eye-opening just the way my friends would speak to me.... Like look here.... U know u not right.... But let's figure out how WE can solve this....
So thanx for the very real point of views..
conflicted
Conflicted
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 08:26 am
@spendius,
Just so u know. I'm a grown ass woman. I don't validation for anything I do. I'm not looking for your approval or in need of a public defense. What you fail to realize is that this is a conversation, & while your view of what I've posted is as such, it's still your viewpoint & I respect that.
But shame on you for trying to define my reasons for sharing my story.
And yes life can get mundane, not jus married life. However, I still enjoy cooking for my husband, washing his drawers, watchig him pick his nose, & his letting loose the occasional smelly ones.
My indiscretion hasn't changed that.
0 Replies
 
Conflicted
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 08:35 am
@spendius,
I did tell him that I told 3 friends. His response " so what did they say?"
So the issue is?
It's not a traditional affair. I don't see him all the time. Occasionally, at work, & maybe once a week. Sometimes not even that. As u can imagine with his young family, there's not a lot of time to be devoted to our fling. That works for me. Especially when we want to keep our homelife as normal & routine as possible.

It's sex. Sorry u feel I'm bragging. I'm venting. I will cut my losses when the time comes. Tuck this away never to visited again. And live happliy ever aftr.
0 Replies
 
Conflicted
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 08:38 am
@shewolfnm,
Exactly! That is all it is. I know it's wrong... Never did I think I'd be on this end, but I'm trying to figure out how to make it right.
Conflicted
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 08:49 am
@JPB,
"I don't think she's asking for validation - she's just asking for feedback on how one realigns the stars after they've gone off kilter. That may mean kicking herself for the rest of her life for being unfaithful, it may mean dumping her moral compass down the toilet, or it may mean any number of other things."



Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
I couldn't have expressed this better!

This is all that I'm trying to convey... I know I'm making a mistake, I'm trying to get over it & make it right. But it's hard when lust is still there. It's like being in a car that is spinning out of control, you know it's destined to crash & burn unless you can just grab hold if the steering wheel, slow it down, gain control, & stop it from crashing--- or lessen the impact.

JPB, you are dead on!
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 08:57 am
She usually is!

Wink
JPB
 
  2  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 09:10 am
@Eva,
Embarrassed


((( Eva )))

Love you too, sistah!


Conflicted, you'll get there. Keep talking it out. You'll get feedback from all quarters but that's the point in the end. Sure, you'll get flamed by some. You seem to have a thick enough skin to handle it. Had any more thoughts about seeking some professional help?
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 09:12 am
@Conflicted,
Quote:
If their weren't people like me that have issues to air, you couldn't sit on your soapbox & pass judgement... now could you?


I don't want to be passing any judgments you silly moo. Whatever gave you that idea. Not referring to me by my username is passing judgments. "For the person who felt I was parading my 'affair' over the Internet" is long for spendi. It's as long as the nose I am imagining I'm being looked down upon with.

I spend most of my time on Trivia and arguing with scientists, economists and Constitutional experts.

If there weren't people to pass judgment on there would be no need to pass judgment on anybody. You have initiated this thread and, going by my own experiences and from what I have read about these things, both of which are fairly extensive, you will have initiated the action which has initiated the thread and also all the posts so far on it and whatever else comes later. You being so pretty and all and walking about in a provocative manner at work and responding positively to the first raised eyebrow.

You judged yourself when you started the thread as being a fit and proper person to have judgment passed upon. Which is to say you were conflicted and unsure what your own judgment of yourself actually was. Which is to say you accepted to some extent the arguments some of us were going to present on both sides of the question. No conflict otherwise.

The argument concerning the likely outcome if you persist in your actions has not been put to you. You are obviously putting it at the back of your mind. You will be found out. If you are never going to be found out I would say go for it and assert a lady's natural rights. But you will be. And while all is fair in matters of love it is not fair on those who suffer the consequences in cases like this where both families are settled in their ways and coping with the boredom in the service of bringing up their children who, after all is said and done, didn't ask to be brought into this world and least of all to be embroiled in such consequences initiated by people who did bring them into this world.

Your real vow is to your children as is that of Mr Don Juan.
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 09:29 am
@spendius,
hmmm.... that first bit smacks of "boys will be boys and girls will be whores", spendi.

I agree with the last part. I do think this will come out and it won't be pretty. Office romances become obvious to the rest of the workers. Stories spread. It won't stay in the can.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 09:34 am
@Conflicted,
Exactly! That is all it is. I know it's wrong... Never did I think I'd be on this end, but I'm trying to figure out how to make it right.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simple stop this **** now and I mean now and begin once more honoring your vows and stop placing your and his children at risk of having their lives torn apart.

Not all that hard to understand or even do if you are an adult who care more for your children then your pleasures at the moment.

Sadly I am sure you knew this before your very first post here and you was indeed looking for support going down your current path to ruin and even more sadly some fools had offer you that support here.

Now why do you not just go away and either destroy two families futures or save two families futures as it in the end that is in your hands not ours.



 

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