What is one mistake your parents made that you struggle to forgive?

Forums: Parenting, Family, Forgiveness, Upbringing
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I was asked this the other day, and I think it's kind of a provocative question.

My response:

Quote:

I struggle to forgive their drug use. They were hippies. Smoked pot. Daily. I don't morally object to the consumption of pot. It was the priority it took in the household that I resented. We also didn't have a lot of money, and we didn't have health insurance. I wanted to play sports, but I was afraid to get hurt and what it would mean to the family finances. I resent them for letting me take that burden, even if they didn't know about it. As far as they were concerned, I just liked art better.

I struggle to forgive them for the selfish choice to indulge.

So A2K, what do you struggle to forgive your parents for?

T
K
O

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@Diest TKO,

Very interesting topic, Diest. Should make for fascinating reading! Smile

I'll be back later, when I have more time.

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@Diest TKO,

Diest TKO wrote:

I was asked this the other day, and I think it's kind of a provocative question.

My response:

Quote:
I struggle to forgive their drug use. They were hippies. Smoked pot. Daily. I don't morally object to the consumption of pot. It was the priority it took in the household that I resented. We also didn't have a lot of money, and we didn't have health insurance. I wanted to play sports, but I was afraid to get hurt and what it would mean to the family finances. I resent them for letting me take that burden,
even if they didn't know about it. As far as they were concerned, I just liked art better.

I struggle to forgive them for the selfish choice to indulge.

So A2K, what do you struggle to forgive your parents for?

T
K
O

That is a singularly STUPID thing to say.
Have u NO ability to reason whatsoever ??

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If I wanted to forgive anyone for anything, I 'd damn well DO IT and forget about it.

There is no need for any "STRUGGLE"

David

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@OmSigDAVID,

I cant go with you there.....in the survivor community we talk about forgiveness being the final breaking of the control that an abuser has over us. Getting to this point is a huge struggle for many, and some never make it.

More interesting to me is that many people do not believe in forgiveness, think either that to forgive is to be weak, or that it does not matter. This is mind boggling to me.

David, I think that you are speaking as one who has no conception of what emotional trauma is, thus you can't empathize with those who suffer from it.

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Some may prefer vengeance.
I did not imply that u must do it, if u don 't wanna.

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@Diest TKO,

I can't say I can't forgive them, because I can, and I understand what made them do it....(the culture of the period)...but I find one of the most difficult things is being treated, effectively, like an idiot.

This is in relation to my sister's fatal genetic illness, which killed her at ten years old, and which was hidden from both of us, with many awful consequences....(eg, for me, no explanation for why we were treated so differently, and hence my deep feeling that I was not loved...and for her the effect of living with a deep feeling that she was dying, which was denied, which left her un-supported in her fears and attempts to make sense of her life.

But this was what parents were told to do at that time.

Then again, my father's lying to me when my mother was dying when I was 13/14, which I managed to confront to the point when his lies faltered.

Again, I can forgive, though.

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

If I wanted to forgive anyone for anything, I 'd damn well DO IT and forget about it.

There is no need for any "STRUGGLE"

David

This seems to have touched a very deep nerve for you David, and I am sorry that this is so.

I do not know what the nerve is, but your anger and denigration of Diest TKO seems to me to be a sign that you need to reflect, and consider the trigger, and not attack Diest for a reasonable question that clearly has meaning for him, and likely for many others.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

I cant go with you there.....in the survivor community we talk about forgiveness being the final breaking of the control that an abuser has over us. Getting to this point is a huge struggle for many, and some never make it.

More interesting to me is that many people do not believe in forgiveness, think either that to forgive is to be weak, or that it does not matter. This is mind boggling to me.

David, I think that you are speaking as one who has no conception of what emotional trauma is, thus you can't empathize with those who suffer from it.

Demanding forgiveness is prescriptive and disrespectful, in my view.

I recall a fad for seeing forgiveness as the most advanced response here amongst faddish therapists some decades ago.

Personally, I believe it is freeing and a fine thing....imposing it upon people as what they should aim for is untoward and abuse prone.

"Survivor communities" need to be careful they do not harm in their fervour for healing in their adopted template for survivordom.

"The collective" has decreed forgiveness in your world, eh?

A little ironic, no?

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I struggle . . . still . . . with forgiving my mother for hitting, beating, and terrorizing us as children. Sometimes I think that I'm fine . . . that I've forgiven her . . . but there are times that I still cry. Something will trigger a memory and the next thing I know, I'm reliving the incident in my mind and it still hurts very much. Maybe it's the FORGETTING that I struggle with . . . .

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@dlowan,

Very difficult stuff for a little kid to cope with, Deb. It must have been very difficult for you.
Of course one can "forgive" one's parents, but I'd be very surprised if such episodes didn't have a lasting impact.

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@dlowan,

dlowan wrote:

Demanding forgiveness is prescriptive and disrespectful, in my view.

I recall a fad for seeing forgiveness as the most advanced response here amongst faddish therapists some decades ago.

Personally, I believe it is freeing and a fine thing....imposing it upon people as what they should aim for is untoward and abuse prone.

"The collective" has decreed forgiveness in your world, eh?

I so agree with this dlowan.

I don't believe forgiveness is the ultimate goal (although, it is a fine thing, blah blah blah,), but the goal is moving on with your life and making it a satisfying one.

If it's such a struggle, then maybe something inside you is telling you to stop trying so hard, and just put that down, and move onwards.

1 Reply

The one mistake my parents made that I struggle to forgive?: Focusing on "the problem" of my sister to the exclusion of almost everything else in our family. My sister was perceived to be "bad", or troubled, always in need of being "saved", ever since I can remember. Bringing "disgrace on the family" (a huge no-no to my parents, who believed this was one of the most shameful things that could possibly happen!), continually getting herself into quite serious debt - which they continued to pay off, while they complained bitterly about it (generally to me Rolling Eyes

). For me, the worst part of this arrangement is that I was enlisted into the cause of keeping my sister on the straight & narrow at a very young age (I'm 5 years younger than my sister). She was the bad daughter, who got all their attention (say nothing of heaps of their cash!). I was the "good girl", who was perceived as having few if any problems at all. And not too many needs, either, for that matter. Which often made me feel somewhat invisible. So that was my childhood (trust me, I'm not exaggerating). When I became older, I refused to play this family game anymore. I figured it had far more to do with my mother & my sister than anything to do with me. What a relief to become a detached observer (well, sort of! Wink

) & not a major player anymore. No mean feat on my part, extricating myself.
If I sound angry or bitter, I'm not anymore. But I rather wish my childhood had been rather different. That was a pretty lonely experience for a little kid.

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@Diest TKO,

Interesting thread. Good posts by dlowan.

I'm not sure what I'd choose, but I identify with the pot-smoking thing. And the general hippie ethos causing some problems.

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@msolga,

I was the one growing up behind "the troubled one" too, msolga. I've had discussions with others about the family dynamic when one child is the proverbial black sheep and the effect it has on the one growing up behind. I too was the "good" child who ultimately became an over-achiever and felt the need to be the peacemaker in the family (after I had my own turn at being the one who battled with my father against his drinking).

Speaking of my father's drinking.... it took me a very long time to forgive him for that and to forgive my mother for enabling it. A Very Long Time.... A turning point came when my sister (same sister) did a large-scale genealogy search and found hundreds of my father's relatives that we'd never met. He was socially removed from his family and we had no knowledge of them. We met them at a family reunion organized to bring the different branches of my grandfather's family together for the first time in decades. I was surprised by the number of people who reminded me of my father (he was already deceased at the time), including the number who were alcoholics. I did a lot of reading/studying/self-assessing and came to realize that, although he gave in to a weakness, he was indeed genetically predisposed to alcoholism. He always told us that we drove him to drink. What I came to accept is that, in his mind at least, we did.

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@JPB,

Quote:

I was the one growing up behind "the troubled one" too, msolga. I've had discussions with others about the family dynamic when one child is the proverbial black sheep and the effect it has on the one growing up behind. I too was the "good" child who ultimately became an over-achiever and felt the need to be the peacemaker in the family (after I had my own turn at being the one who battled with my father against his drinking).

That's interesting, JPB. The roles we play in families. You became an over-achiever & I earnestly played Henry Kissinger in negotiations between my parents & my sister (for far too long). But we did have to rebel at some stage didn't we? Inevitable. (In my case I became quite a difficult adolescent & wanted to divorce the whole lot of them! Laughing

)

About your father:

Quote:

He always told us that we drove him to drink. What I came to accept is that, in his mind at least, we did.

That's very sad & also a cowardly cop out on his part. A real shame you didn't meet the rest of his family earlier!

1 Reply

@Diest TKO,

While it's not so much a matter of forgiveness or not, with me, it has to be my father's ongoing and very public affairs. They eventually ripped the family apart and I can see the impact on my younger siblings and how they grew up. I firmly believe that you are either like your parents are directly opposite them, but you are never indifferent. I seriously doubt that even my brother who likes to live on the wild side will never have an affair.

1 Reply

@msolga,

Quote:

But I rather wish my childhood had been rather different. That was a pretty lonely experience for a little kid.

I'll bet. Lovely recollection though

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@engineer,

I'm very lucky, I have nothing to forgive my parents for. But they have plenty to forgive ME for.

I had an idyllic childhood and it wasn't until I was middle aged that my sister clued me into the struggles and strife that went on behind my oblivious existence.

Bless her heart(and I do every day), she was the second child that held things together, and does to this day.

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Like dlowan it is not an issue of forgiving, more than it was something tough for me in general and has affected the closeness I once had with them. Like dlowan, I understand the why, but was angry that they took their happiness over mine. I always thought you put your children’s happiness first " but I learned a lesson even parents that you love and care for are human.

The situation: My job was relocating to another state. I had the option of moving (all expenses paid/bonus, etc) or being laid off. Hubby was just closing a business that failed so he didn’t have any income; we were relying on my income and benefits. Location where we would move would be much less expensive to live and we liked the area. The other option in an economy that was just starting to fall would be to find another job. We decided to relocate (the benefits outweighed the negatives). My parents were so upset they would not speak to us and other crap like that. They said we were selfish taking our children away from them (they would watch them often when the kids were not in school so they were very close). I was more worried about my family financially so I wanted what was best for us.

Ended up after a year of trying to sell our condo; my company offered me a position that was staying here locally. I took it (as we really had no other option " we could afford to move and pay a mortgage) so now we are still here.

Also, like some mentioned here " I was the “good” child too. Maybe why they got so upset as well. The “bad” “child” (over 40) is still living them.

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What is one mistake your parents made that you struggle to forgive?

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