What is one mistake your parents made that you struggle to forgive?

@OmSigDAVID,

They are 7 and 9.

Yes, parents do have lasting influence with their children that can span generations. That's why it's not a job to be taken lightly, as most here can tell you.

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@JPB,

(postscript- sort of)

A few weeks ago, I was visiting my mother (who now has Alzheimers Disease) at her aged care facility & she brought up the subject of my sister & her financial situation. (A constant topic of discussion. Pardon me if I Rolling Eyes

)
I pointed out that she (my mother) had very little money left to give her. (My sister had, while taking care of her for 8 months, extracted just about all of it from her bank account & has visited her only twice since placing her in the home.) She spoke then of all the money my sister had been given (by my parents) over the years, to resolve her debt problems. And had I minded? I couldn't believe we were actually having this conversation. The suggestion that my sister had been given some sort of preferential treatment was never discussed - and would have been explained away, or denied, or "forgotten" (before my mother had Alzheimers Disease, even.) Anyway, I surprised myself by saying that yes, I actually had minded, but it was history now, so why dwell on it? Then, an amazing thing: she looked me straight in the eyes and said: "What was I thinking? I'm so very sorry." And cried. This was the first bit of acknowledgment I had ever received that my sister & I had been treated quite differently. But of course, for me it was hardly simply about money. But, isn't that incredible? After all those years ...

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@msolga,

Good for both of you! You were honest with her and she was letting you know that she does indeed know that you were treated differently. Not that she probably wouldn't do it all over again if confronted with the same situation -- she parented in the only way she knew how -- but I'm glad you were able to have that discussion.

How did you feel afterwards?

1 Reply

@msolga,

Whoops. That last post of mine was meant to be postscript to this one. (It's getting late! Smile

)

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@JPB,

Flabbergasted, JPB! Gobsmacked. But she might not remember that we ever had that conversation. She sometimes thinks I'm her sister.

Then, sadly, she kept insisting that I accompany her to the office, so she could give me some money.(As if I wanted money. Sigh.)

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@msolga,

msolga wrote:

(postscript- sort of)

A few weeks ago, I was visiting my mother (who now has Alzheimers Disease) at her aged care facility & she brought up the subject of my sister & her financial situation. (A constant topic of discussion. Pardon me if I )
I pointed out that she (my mother) had very little money left to give her. (My sister had, while taking care of her for 8 months, extracted just about all of it from her bank account & has visited her only twice since placing her in the home.) She spoke then of all the money my sister had been given (by my parents) over the years, to resolve her debt problems. And had I minded? I couldn't believe we were actually having this conversation. The suggestion that my sister had been given some sort of preferential treatment was never discussed - and would have been explained away, or denied, or "forgotten" (before my mother had Alzheimers Disease, even.) Anyway, I surprised myself by saying that yes,
I actually had minded, but it was history now, so why dwell on it? Then, an amazing thing: she looked me straight in the eyes and said:
"What was I thinking? I'm so very sorry." And cried. This was the first bit of acknowledgment I had ever received that my sister & I had been treated quite differently. But of course, for me it was hardly simply about money. But, isn't that incredible? After all those years ...

Better late than never ?
Was there value in that admission or apology ?

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

It was simply an acknowledgment of what I'd always known to be true, David, but had never been acknowledged before. And it was definitely not simply about money, either. So much more to it than that.

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@msolga,

I kind of got that treatment in reverse from my brother. I'm the oldest and was in my teens before my father's habitual cheating started to have a dramatic impact on the family. I was also strong acedemically and tended to get the adult praise and "set a high bar" for my younger brothers in my parent's eyes. My six year younger brother unloaded on me one last year about how he was always in my shadow and felt our parents had always favored me. It's funny because I always felt the opposite was true. When I was younger, my family was trying to claw itself into the middle class. My father grew up with very little and was very tight with money, so I learned not to ask for much because I wasn't going to get it. When my brother was the same age, the family financial position was much better and it seemed to me that he could get whatever he asked for (and had no appreciation of it.) In the end, I guess I got Dad's time and he got Mom's money, so perhaps I did get the better of it.

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@engineer,

Quote:

I guess I got Dad's time

A lot of kids would envy you

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@engineer,

Quote:

In the end, I guess I got Dad's time and he got Mom's money, so perhaps I did get the better of it.

Yes, I think you did, engineer.

In my family's case, my sister got the money and the time, because her whole life was seen as a problem they had to constantly "fix". Of course, nothing really fixed her problems. She's exactly the same now as she ever was. Luckily for me, I've never too preoccupied with $$$$! Just as well, hey? Wink

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@msolga,

Oh my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope it helped dollink.

1 Reply

@dlowan,

In a strange sort of way, Deb, it did!

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@dlowan,

So I should stop beating my husband in front of the kids.

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Just want to add something that I just thought of...

Since I was an only child and relatively shy (had just a few friends) I often sought to remain in the background for most things. Despite that, however, many of my school teachers seemed to realize I had a tough home life and often recognized me in ways that helped me to realize that I had value. I got good grades, was attentive and rule abiding to the point that they never had to reprimand me for acting up. One teacher even overlooked the fact that I was tardy to class every.single.day because she knew it was my parents that caused to me to be late. I really looked up to my teachers and tried to see them as role models for behavior instead of my parents.

As a young responsbile teen, I found any number of ways to spend time away from home. Babysitting and tall flags (colour guard) were my saving grace as I could have 'approved' ways of staying away from the house.

As I got older, one of my first jobs was working as a counselor in a day camp. I got to act more like a kid. I had this little girl who reminded me so much of me at that age, my heart really went out to her and I tried to make sure she felt cared for at least somewhere. The last day of summer camp that I year, I got pictures of all 'my' kids. (8 yr olds). Everytime I come across her picture, I wonder how she is doing.

When I got laid off from a job in my late 20's I was hired as nanny for two wonderful families. I am soooo thankful for the positive environment they showed for their children, I learned what a 'family' is really about. It was the best job I ever had and makes me have hope that someday if I ever have children, I know a positive approach to bringing them up. Smile

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@mm25075,

lovely post

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@engineer,

It's interesting to notice how some patterns repeat, even in different cultures.
I could almost totally sign engineer's post.
I too got my dad's time and my six year younger brother got my mom's money.

I was already in my 30s when I realized that my mother's apparent preference for my bro was really a throughly thought compensation scheme for my father's relative uninterest in him (as a non "big-achiever").

I think my bro got the short end. He's had to struggle mightily to become truly self-sufficient and still some times makes efforts to prove me (as some sort of a substitute of my father) that he is respected and has achieved many of his goals in his professional life.

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@mm25075,

lovely indeed.

Your talk about getting away from home resonated here. There were four of us and we all married young --- very young --- too young. It was in the days when folks married younger than is customary today, but it was still too young. For the three girls it was primarily to escape (although I didn't think that then). All four of us divorced after 3-12 years of marriage and all four of us had successful 20+ years and counting second marriages.

1 Reply

@FreeDuck,

FreeDuck wrote:

I visited an aunt a few years ago with my husband and kids.
After hanging with my kids for a bit she beamed at me "you broke the cycle!"
And began to tell tales of us as kids that even I hadn't remembered, and how it broke her heart.

That 's very, very heartwarming to hear, Freeduck! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

David

1 Reply

@JPB,

Thank you. Smile

I know exactly what you mean. I got married at 19 after having moved in with then BF and family at age 18 because I just could not stand the home situation any longer. They were loving giving people who I am very grateful for but I figured out just a few years later that we really were too young to get married and went our own ways.

I swore I would never allow a man to treat me the way my stepfather had treated my mother.

It was easy to see the physical abuse effects on her and although my STBX was never physically abusive it took me many years of dreams of my stepfather and almost becoming suicidal before I realized the true affects of the verbal abuse I was being put through.

It seemed to me like I was being 'kind' in letting him get away with his behavior and seeing things in him no one else saw, the unfortunate thing was that I didn't realize it was verbal abuse until people who didn't know us very well pointed out his disrespect and self esteem issues. This is a cyle I never wish would have repeated itself >.< I can only hope I have learned from this so I don't make the same mistake again.

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@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

FreeDuck wrote:

I visited an aunt a few years ago with my husband and kids.
After hanging with my kids for a bit she beamed at me "you broke the cycle!"
And began to tell tales of us as kids that even I hadn't remembered, and how it broke her heart.

That 's very, very heartwarming to hear, Freeduck! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

She certainly made me feel like a million bucks when she said that. I almost cried at the compliment. Similarly, another aunt told me I was a "good mother" and it meant so much more to me than anything my mother could have said. I guess I felt like that if they said it, it must be true.

2 Replies

What is one mistake your parents made that you struggle to forgive?

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