What is one mistake your parents made that you struggle to forgive?

OmSigDAVID wrote:

FreeDuck wrote:

I visited an aunt a few years ago with my husband and kids.
After hanging with my kids for a bit she beamed at me "you broke the cycle!"
And began to tell tales of us as kids that even I hadn't remembered, and how it broke her heart.

That 's very, very heartwarming to hear, Freeduck! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

She certainly made me feel like a million bucks when she said that.
I almost cried at the compliment. Similarly, another aunt told me I was a "good mother"
and it meant so much more to me than anything my mother could have said. I guess I felt like
that if they said it, it must be true.

She certainly made me feel like a million bucks when she said that. I almost cried at the compliment. Similarly, another aunt told me I was a "good mother" and it meant so much more to me than anything my mother could have said. I guess I felt like that if they said it, it must be true.

I'd have to say though the hardest thing for me has been the denial on her part.
To this day, she has never admitted she has had a problem with alcohol. Or gambling. Or admit to any of the things that in her mind, do not cast her in a loving and motherly light.

It's hard to forgive that, I think because, it feels a lot like her denying my existence and my real life. And that has been the struggle all along; to feel like I mattered to her even a bit. As my own person in my own right, instead of as something to help her, a tool.

I forgive. But I don't believe in the concept that forgiveness washes away accountability from anyone

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What a great thread and brings back memories of long past threads here.
Makes me feel a lot better too, somehow.

Wow, MP.
U said a lot of very interesting and important things in your post.
I 'd like to address some of them, if I may.

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I feel like a lot of the burden of struggling to forgive my parents,
mostly my Mum, is gone. I carried it around for a long time though.
Specifically to do with my mom's drinking and all that went with that.
The sense of abandonment after my dad died, and feeling very resentful
for how my mom handled that situation. By partying, numbing,
sending me out to different homes, and most painful of all for me
was the sense that I was expected to be the grown up who took care
of my seriously injured brother and also taking care of mom, and if I
could take care of myself, well that was a bonus but it felt like
she didn't really care about that.

How old were u then, MP ?
May I ask: what was your sense of yourself: did u feel like an adult ?

The reason that I inquire is that I remember, in my childhood,
in the privacy of my own mind: I considered myself to be an adult,
regardless of the views of others. Did u feel it differently ?

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I also resented that my brother had a closer relationship in those years
with home care workers than his own mom.

Have u discussed that with your brother ?

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I've come to not feel so much pain about that anymore, and at the same time
have a lot more compassion for my mom and why it is that she did the things she did.

"Time heals all wounds" if thay are clean.

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I'd have to say though the hardest thing for me has been the denial on her part.

Sometimes, people don 't see things the same way as one another.

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To this day, she has never admitted she has had a problem with alcohol.
Or gambling. Or admit to any of the things that in her mind,
do not cast her in a loving and motherly light.

It's hard to forgive that, I think because, it feels a lot like her
denying my existence and my real life. And that has been the
struggle all along; to feel like I mattered to her even a bit.

Have u discussed this with your mother ?
Perhaps it 'd be wise to do it, while she is still available to u for discussion.
If u were on your deathbed and your mother entered the room
what woud u say ?

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And I haven't yet forgiven her for having a redneck take my dog out
in the bush and shooting him in the head. Without my knowing,
after having sent me away.

That is egregious, in the extreme.
That 'd make my mind run in terms of vengeance.
Are there animal cruelty laws in that jurisdiction?
Call the police on her, at least to shake her up.

To a limited extent, something like that happened in my experience:
a former girlfriend, nicknamed Dee, had a small dog. She told me
that she took him to the dogpound to be killed, for her convenience.
I thought that it was immoral that she shoud not be punished for this killing,
so I employed sharp words of denunciation and condemnation against her. It worked.
She felt emotional pain and complained to one of our friends about it.
Ergo, to a limited and mild extent: I avenged the canine victim.
Justice was served.

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Even understanding some of the thought process and emotional motives of what she did and what she does, and even knowing the good side of her and that she does have some love for me - in many small ways she was a good mother, a loving and forgiving person. Even so, I have struggled not to resent that quality of hers that has allowed her to do some truly horrible things because she can compartamentalize things so they are never ever her fault nor responsibility.

That doesn't mean I'm still angry at her. Not so much, mostly not,
and I'm really grateful she is alive. I have always and always will love her
and so long as she isn't doing damage to me, there is a place there for her with boundaries.

I respectfully suggest that u end the struggle, because u r not the offender,
therefore u do not deserve to be punished.
In my opinion: u shoud decide between either justly punishing her,
or
FORGIVING her (meaning that u will no longer hold it against her
and in your heart and mind: u absolve her of all guilt, regardless of whether she deserves it),
but don 't beat yourself up because of another person 's mistakes.





David

Shall this post be voted down presumably only because Hawkeye was the one to say it???

I'd have to say though the hardest thing for me has been the denial on her part.