What is one mistake your parents made that you struggle to forgive?

It's painful to read through these pages and to hear that so many of you
have been abused while you all should have had a carefree, happy childhood
as every child deserves to have. I am amazed how well grounded you all are
and how you have put those awful memories behind you.

I am almost ashamed to say that my childhood was a happy and loving one.

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@dyslexia,

I know some of Dys' life. Don't let me near the father. But in the meantime, Dys grew into a self-honed thoughtful human. Tad crotchedy.

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@dyslexia,

OMG, "too much space?"

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A number of times, while reading this thread, I've felt so taken aback by what some of you experienced at the hands of your parents as vulnerable children that I honestly haven't known how to respond, though I've actually wanted to. The very last thing I'd want to do is offend, by posting a response that might sound glib, or patronizing. And sometimes I haven't found the right words. I felt like this when reading these late posts from mushy, dyslexia & BorisK ... & also a number of earlier posts. The things some of you experienced (& somehow managed to overcome) seem amazing to me. I'm awed at your honesty & your resilience. Your stories have certainly put my childhood stories into rather a different perspective.

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@msolga,

Hi Sweetie MsOlga!

I too have realized through this one thread that I am NOT alone; in fact I am, at least on this board, in the majority.

There's quite a bit of comfort in that fact, given the utter isolation I felt as a child.

Thank you for thinking of us.

Somehow this reminds me of my negative workday this past week, when I told my husband upon my arrival at home: "Hand me a cat! Right now!"

I think I might make this statement my signature for A2K!

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@BorisKitten,

BorisKitten wrote:

You know, Dys, I've really been hoping you'd provide a few more details about your own experience on this thread.

I like you; always have. Maybe I think we're kind of alike.

Thank you for sharing. It sounds to me like your childhood, with a father like this, must have been, er, very unpleasant.

Oh, and Dlowan's (right?) question about whether we'd rather have been removed from our childhood homes: My answer is YES YES YES!

I begged to be taken away, and was never heard (this was the 1960's, when things were Different).

Whom did u beg ?

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@msolga,

msolga wrote:

A number of times, while reading this thread, I've felt so taken aback by what some of you experienced at the hands of your parents as vulnerable children that I honestly haven't known how to respond, though I've actually wanted to. The very last thing I'd want to do is offend, by posting a response that might sound glib, or patronizing. And sometimes I haven't found the right words. I felt like this when reading these late posts from mushy, dyslexia & BorisK ... & also a number of earlier posts.
The things some of you experienced (& somehow managed to overcome) seem amazing to me.
I'm awed at your honesty & your resilience.
Your stories have certainly put my childhood stories into rather a different perspective.

Thank u, Olga.

David

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@msolga,

msolga wrote:

Quote:
I don't know if istruggle to forgive them but i struggle to wonder why they had me at all. they didn't take care of me so WTF?

Maybe, Bear, they were simply poorly equipped for parenting? For any number of reasons, which could include any or none of the following : being too young to rear children at the time, they experienced poor parenting themselves, poverty, lack of education, ignorance, coping with difficult life circumstances, selfishness ..... the list could go on & on. Some parents simply haven't a clue what they're in, for before they have children & find themselves way out of their depth ....

The question was sort of rhetorical msolga. My mother waas COMPLETELY out of her depth and although she was a decent enough person...could not, would not and did not take much responsibility for me. She did love me, but could not parent me.

My father was simply a corrupt scumbag career criminal who fathered 9 children in three marriages and a couple outside of marriage. Not a one of us attended his funeral.

They were both educated, extremely intelligent, and came from fairly well off backgrounds although my mother was left in Scotland and not brought over to live with her parents until she was almost 18 so I'm sure that had something to do with her makeup.

I was born into wealth and that became abject poverty on my 4th birthday when I was left in a gas station. Turns out that having an absentee father was, in my case, the lesser of two evils, other evil being having the prick around. Laughing

well, we all have a sad story to tell........

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@Bi-Polar Bear,

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

msolga wrote:

Quote:
I don't know if istruggle to forgive them but i struggle to wonder why they had me at all. they didn't take care of me so WTF?

Maybe, Bear, they were simply poorly equipped for parenting? For any number of reasons, which could include any or none of the following : being too young to rear children at the time, they experienced poor parenting themselves, poverty, lack of education, ignorance, coping with difficult life circumstances, selfishness ..... the list could go on & on. Some parents simply haven't a clue what they're in, for before they have children & find themselves way out of their depth ....

The question was sort of rhetorical msolga. My mother waas COMPLETELY out of her depth and although she was a decent enough person...could not, would not and did not take much responsibility for me. She did love me, but could not parent me.

My father was simply a corrupt scumbag career criminal who fathered 9 children in three marriages and a couple outside of marriage. Not a one of us attended his funeral.

They were both educated, extremely intelligent, and came from fairly well off backgrounds although my mother was left in Scotland and not brought over to live with her parents until she was almost 18 so I'm sure that had something to do with her makeup.

I was born into wealth and that became abject poverty on my 4th birthday when I was left in a gas station. Turns out that having an absentee father was, in my case, the lesser of two evils, other evil being having the prick around.

well, we all have a sad story to tell........

As I was reading your post, I was silently thinking -- contrasting -- that I really LIKED the freedom
of parental non-interference. To me, it was FUN.

I thought that until I reached the part about abandonment in a gas station.
(This was a Scotch gas station?) I must admit, that was pretty drastic, in a bad way. What happened next ?

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No, a Sohio station in Akron. What happened next was that we were taken in by my father's sister and my grandparents and two cousins. My Aunt was with Babcock and Wilcox and the next year they all moved to Virginia when they opened their Naval Nuclear facility there and for the next 11 years I ran wild without supervision until my mom sent me to stay there and wouldn't take me back.

I did spend 6 months on the West Coast with my father and his new family when I was 13. that did not work out well at all and in fact came to a violent conclusion where I stabbed my father and he knocked me through a plate glass window. My father had a homicidal temper and when he got into one of those states really enjoyed hurting people. All his children were frightened to death of him.... but I merely wanted to kill him. I'm told that of all his children I'm the most like him and it took me many years to overcome my own temper and propensity towards settling disputes with violence. One thing I never did was be violent towards a wife or child however....I don't get that.

I sort of understand my own behavior as a young man although I don't condone or make excuses for it, because I had been programmed for anger by both genetic and environmental circumstance.... but my father was raised in a stern but loving family where you lived up to your responsibilities and stuck it out. All the Quinney men going back to the beginning of time apparently were womanizers however. Laughing

That particular bad habit was the toughest one for me to break personally but I did eventually manage.

I don't know that much about my mother's family because we were the only ones not all living in a tight knit 30 mile radius, and as artistic types were considered to oddball to be in the "inner circle".

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When I die I'm sure my children will say I was a flawed man who could have done better.... but I'm pretty sure they'll recognize that they never doubted I loved them and stuck it out and tried to be there for them warts and all.

I don't think any of us can do much better than that. We all have our flaws, some more than others and no doubt some are more successful parents than others, but we have to try to stick it out and then hope for the best to be even marginally decent parents and human beings.

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@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

I begged to be taken away, and was never heard (this was the 1960's, when things were Different).

Whom did u beg ?

Teachers at school (nuns, actually, in Catholic School), family doctor, and siblings, that I can recall offhand.

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@Bi-Polar Bear,

I was not a great parent myself. I wanted to be better, but was too weak. I hope they are not too harsh when thinking of me.

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@msolga,

How did I actually survive at age 15 & onward?
A combination of dumpster diving, homelessness, night-shift janitorial work, living in cheap shared-accommodation, taking the bus, very careful savings, strict goal setting, voracious reading of any and all books I could get my hands on, and seeing number of my friends self-destruct via drugs & alcohol etc.

Do I have anything to do with either of my parents now?
Both my parents are dead, and I am not unhappy this is the case. However a few years before they died, I visited them (separately as they had been long divorced and would not see each other) and told them "I forgive you". I did this more for for myself so I could rest easy going forward.

Nonetheless, if I'm at home, and it's quiet, and I'm alone, and I have no distractions; I may find myself becoming bitter, angry, frustrated and self-critical, and it can take time before I realize the underlying cause is not a lack of humanity, success, abilities, intelligence, education, material wealth, etc on my part, but hauntings of a best-forgotten childhood.

I can also say that it took many years of careful undoing, and thoughtful introspection to reduce at least some of the damage caused by my parents. Simply writing this text brings tears to my eyes.

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@Chumly,

haunting

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@Chumly,

Oh, chum.
Do you mind if I ask if there was any type of recognition/apology from them?

I'm sorry for all of the posters here that have had unhappy pasts.
I don't have anything to complain about in comparison.

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those who created me are still alive. still wreaking their special havoc among people I care for.

I am immersed again in their influence by choice and duty. (i do not officially exist in their eyes)

they show up unannounced at grams once a month, (sometimes less, rarely more) and leave her an emotional wreck to be gently straightened back to where she is comfortable.

I did better when I was away from the details, but came to a point where gram needed the daily support and assistance, and no one here was willing (or in the case of my sis, able) to do anything but hurry her down the path to the money splitting games. so i had to reopen that part of my pain which i had made an uneasy peace with. (i am not listed in her will, nor do i have any wish to be)

when she is gone, I would hope to move somewhere that i am more able to work and thrive, and leave them to their self-made universe here on the prairie.

should one of them pass prior to her, things would get right sticky on how to proceed, so i wish them both good health.

I am no saint. nor do i seek recognition.

sometimes forgiveness just never becomes an option.

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@Rockhead,

St Rockhead...in my mind

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@Bi-Polar Bear,

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

No, a Sohio station in Akron. What happened next was that we were taken in by my father's sister and my grandparents and two cousins. My Aunt was with Babcock and Wilcox and the next year they all moved to Virginia when they opened their Naval Nuclear facility there and for the next 11 years I ran wild without supervision until my mom sent me to stay there and wouldn't take me back.

I did spend 6 months on the West Coast with my father and his new family when I was 13. that did not work out well at all and in fact came to a violent conclusion where I stabbed my father and he knocked me through a plate glass window. My father had a homicidal temper and when he got into one of those states really enjoyed hurting people. All his children were frightened to death of him.... but I merely wanted to kill him. I'm told that of all his children I'm the most like him and it took me many years to overcome my own temper and propensity towards settling disputes with violence. One thing I never did was be violent towards a wife or child however....I don't get that.

Did your father survive the stabbing ?

1 Reply

@Bi-Polar Bear,

I am not a parent, but I have had girlfriends who had young children,
some of whom lived with me; de facto, we were similar to a
family unit. I enjoyed being kind to them; it was fun, giving them
presents for Christmas or for their birthdays,
or just to surprize them in a good way when thay don 't expect it.
I was taken aback at sua sponte being called "Daddy."
I usually expect to be called David

I was never a disciplinarian.
On the occasions when thay accidentally broke my property,
(both children and mothers) I just forgave them.
1ce or thrice, one girlfriend, Maralyn, tried to provoke me to rage by spoken words.
By her body language and the look on her face, I coud see that she
expected me to lose my composure, say horrible angry things
and to become violent with her (which I have never done).
I did not get mad; I just laffed it off. Her plot was defeated.

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What is one mistake your parents made that you struggle to forgive?

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