How do I overcome the loss of my Mom when I was already in a depression?

Well, it's your business - you know I think you should get that checked. Not doing so can be part of the depression thing.

Thank you msolga. That's nice of you, I appreciate it.

Ossobuco, I'm not sure if you mean physical symptoms are causing depression. I'm thinking the grief has caused stress in my system and anything wrong with my heart is from anxiety or stress. It's mainly in the morning. I guess I don't care much about myself right now because I feel like whatever happens will happen. I learned that in my Mom's case. She went to doctor's ALL the time. She felt when it's a person's time to go, it's their time.

The only thing I have to look forward to in the next few years or less, is my stepdad dying, then having to spread ashes, then having to go through belongings. It's not like anything good is going to happen in the near future. If I can live through all that then maybe in another 7 ot 8 years I'd have built some type of life.

But right now my health isn't even something I think about. If something happened to me life would go on. My family would put my stepdad in an assisted living home and then enjoy owning all the belongings left in the house and the cash in the bank. That's how they are. Anyway, back to your point, I don't think taking care of any physical symptoms will change anything. They would just give me Xanax or something.

I must humbly disagree that Socal has an error in perception, here. I think her perception is functioning exceptionally well in a very difficult situation.

If two-thirds of humans who "die" and are "resurrected" have no perceptions at all (like my brother), how could Socal be mistaken in her perception that her mother is actually, and forever, in Socal's lifetime, GONE?

She's in the majority, as am I. We cannot contact dead people, at least not Actually.

I think her Mom IS gone, and it's better for her to face this, and begin to accept it, than to think her Mom has "molted" and simply changed her form.

After all, if Mom has molted (or if any of my 4 dead immediate-family members have molted), why did they never contact either of us? (Oh, this is a silly question, not worth an answer... never mind.)

I don't intend to be aggravating here, or to deny your beliefs, which for you are absolutely true... but to insist Socal believe exactly as you do is, well, unreasonable.

People believe what they do; I don't think I've ever known a human being who changed his/her beliefs based on what someone else thought or said.

I say, let her believe whatever she believes, and work with that.

Still, I can appreciate and respect your empathy. I think that really matters to Socal right now: We Care!

"Still, I can appreciate and respect your empathy. I think that really matters to Socal right now: We Care!"

I do appreciate that. I probably depress the hell out of all of you but you still post responses. I do appreciate that a lot. Even if I don't respond directly I am still reading everything and taking it in.

Today was hard. I hate weekends. I went to go get take-out and I heard music for the first time since she died. I was sitting there crying over every song because they were songs I used to like before she died. It's weird how things that took place before she died seem so sad to me. I guess I'm longing to go back there.

You lucky person, you! I was not able to hold the hands of any of my 4 passed-on family members when they died.

I think your mom must have been very grateful to have you there during her last moments. That is just what I would wish for Myself: Someone who loved me, holding my hand during my last moments on Earth.

Also I must protest that your mom, in particular, did NOT know there was another/better way, other than caring for the people she loved.

From what you've told us of your mom, she was a strong, self-and-other-aware woman, who knew what was right and what was not, at least for herself.

I've gotten NO indication from you that your mom was sheltered, ignorant, or bound by social mores. Quite the opposite, in fact(!)

She knew what she was doing, in my humble opinion, when she cared for your father and stepfather. She was NOT weak or uninformed, that I can tell. She made her choices with all her mores and senses intact.

Therefore any idea that your possible wealth may have "saved her" from her caring is not, in fact, valid.

She made her choices as an intelligent, very smart woman.

Note: This is the time, during our grieving, to have thoughts of, "Oh, if ONLY!..." That doesn't mean these thoughts are actually True.

I can't help but think that your mom would want YOU to make choices based on the same intelligence and open-eyed awareness. Don't you think?

If mom is somehow looking down at you from Heaven, she'd want you to be happy; I completely agree with that.

Whether she'd want you to be happy Immediately, well, I rather doubt that! She'd know your grief was necessary.

Only AFTER your grieving could you possibly pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say, "OK, Memory of Mom, Here I Go! This is For YOU."

It takes time. Go easy on yourself.

Here is an

AFFIRMATION TO HELP YOU GRIEVE

To start, it is best to take a few deep breaths to help you relax and be receptive to the benefit of the affirmations.

Start by taking a good deep breath through your nose - nice and deep - deeper than that - and gently blow the air out your pursed lips - very slowly - long and drawn out - almost like whistling.

Then do it again - take a deep long breath through your nose - deeper - feel your lower abdomen swell up with oxygen - and slowly let the air out your pursed lips...

And do it one more time - a good deep breath - and let it out slowly through your lips.

Now, with your eyes closed, speak each statement - out loud - as you read it:

I am helping myself now....

I am helping myself now by acknowledging my grief....

I am acknowledging the full extent of my grief....

My grief is very great....

My grief is bottomless...

My grief is endless...

My grief is so deep and endless I cannot express it adequately....

I am holding nothing back....

I have many tears within me...

I cry when I feel the urge...

I cry fully....

I hold nothing back....

I am grieving fully.....

When I feel the urge to cry, I let the tears flow....

I let the tears within me flow freely...

I let all the grief within me flow out of my system....

Although I feel wounded, I know I am whole inside....

I feel my wholeness, despite my loss....

Grieving fully is a natural part of my wholeness as a human being...

When I grieve, I am being my whole self....

I give myself permission to cry and grieve fully...

I recognize the importance of fully grieving....

I recognize my right to fully grieve....

I have sustained an unbearable loss....

I have a right to fully grieve my loss....

I hold nothing back....

I have a right to cry my tears to the fullest...

I am helping myself to heal by grieving fully...

It is good to help myself by grieving fully....

I am helping myself to heal by crying and weeping and grieving....

As my tears flow out, I am feeling more and more sleepy...

As my grief flows out of my system, I feel myself getting sleepy....

I have a right to feel sleepy....

I have a right to fully grieve and to feel sleepy....

I am feeling more and more sleepy....

I am feeling very sleepy....

I am going to sleep now...


from:
[email protected]
We wish you sweet dreams...

I love this affirmation!

And I think we can experience "minor grief" frequently, so this affirmation might just come in handy for any of us, at any time.

Thank you.

OK, here's my (hopefully working) link to my new thread, which explains who got arrested yesterday at the library, and why:

http://able2know.org/topic/135109-1

Good news: Neither my co-workers nor me were arrested!

Bad news: It was long day of form-filling, sweaty palms, and Personal Defense, for me!

This day, in my opinion, deserved a new A2K topic!

"She knew what she was doing, in my humble opinion, when she cared for your father and stepfather. She was NOT weak or uninformed, that I can tell. She made her choices with all her mores and senses intact.

Therefore any idea that your possible wealth may have "saved her" from her caring is not, in fact, valid."

Yes, I guess so, but wealth does make life so much easier. She was basically screwed by my Dad. She left her whole family and career for him to move thousands of miles away. He had children that she raised too. Then he leaves her during his mid-life crisis. She was left with nothing. I once asked my Dad why he left and he listed the most ridiculous reasons I've ever heard. She had a really hard time as a single Mom. She met her current husband and he was very kind to her. They had a lot of good years before he become older and started having health issues.

I know she made those choices on her own and we're each responsible for our own lives, but I wish she could have had some time to herself where she didn't have to look after anyone. It's been really bothering me the past few days especially. She deserved some time to relax and be free to do what she wanted.

And yes, I was very blessed to hold her hand as she passed away. I'm sure there are many things I will see as blessings in the future, but right now my heart is too hurt. I'm seeing all the negatives and unfair parts. I'm getting mad that she didn't get to experience more freedom. She didn't get to go home again to see her family.

Yes; thank u.
As a hedonist, I define good as creating joy and freedom
and
I define bad as creating confinement to misery and limitation.





David

"Good news: Neither my co-workers nor me were arrested!

Bad news: It was long day of form-filling, sweaty palms, and Personal Defense, for me!"

That's so odd about the officer reacting that way. Strange!

1. I don 't consider your posts to be depressing.
U have not depressed me. I hope that thay are cathartic.

2. I can be less controversial in saying that time heals all wounds.





David

"1. I don 't consider your posts to be depressing.
U have not depressed me. I hope that thay are cathartic.

2. I can be less controversial in saying that time heals all wounds."

I'm glad I'm not depressing you. Yes, posting has been cathartic for me. This site in particular. I'm not sure why since it's not a grief oriented site like the other places I post. I guess I like all the different views and think you're all interesting.

I don't think you're being controversial, I appreciate your input. I was just curious about what the people who know you best feel about your experiences. If there's some other explanation they give for them. I want to believe that she's not gone. I REALLY DO. I just need her to tell me that or give me some tangible sign. Maybe one day I'll believe it more. I don't know.

"Ossobuco, I'm not sure if you mean physical symptoms are causing depression. I'm thinking the grief has caused stress in my system and anything wrong with my heart is from anxiety or stress. It's mainly in the morning. I guess I don't care much about myself right now because I feel like whatever happens will happen. I learned that in my Mom's case. She went to doctor's ALL the time. She felt when it's a person's time to go, it's their time."


No, I meant that deciding not to check out your iffy heart rhythm and feeling of a hole that is painful in an actual physical can be a function of depression.
The only thing I have to look forward to in the next few years or less, is my stepdad dying, then having to spread ashes, then having to go through belongings. It's not like anything good is going to happen in the near future. If I can live through all that then maybe in another 7 ot 8 years I'd have built some type of life.

----------
I'm sorry, have you no other interests? I may sound a little sharp, but you seem to dwell on what are the many sorrows of natural progressions.
This sounds very rude, given you're in the middle of bereavement I agree with - but I don't agree with all your doldrum presumptions.

The only thing you have to look forward to? The sun and the clouds, the colors in puddles, the taste of a popsicle.. a delicious pizza (or what ever you like).

As far as your stepfather, you are the one working this up as an onus to bear, bear, bear, for years on end. You are working toward martyr, a word I don't use lightly, but am familiar with.

"But right now my health isn't even something I think about. If something happened to me life would go on. My family would put my stepdad in an assisted living home and then enjoy owning all the belongings left in the house and the cash in the bank. That's how they are. Anyway, back to your point, I don't think taking care of any physical symptoms will change anything. They would just give me Xanax or something."

_________
I'm not trying to get you to agree with me, socal - I'm saying there is another point of view about your musings. I assume you will dismiss it and dig yourself further.

If I were a psychiatrist, and I'm absolutely not, I'd see you as sucked into some kind of guilt vortex, something from the past. I wish you would work out of it.

My general impression, without researching anything
is that if u HAD been arrested, u 'd probably have a good cause
of action for false arrest. One of my clients, in the 1980s,
got a settlement from NYC for false arrest of $20,000, tax free,
for a few hours of confinement, after being dragged away in chains.





David

To add some subtext..

I used to be a very good catholic girl. Sassing my mother was a sin. As I grew older and had more information on different subjects than she did, simply talking back was crushing to her, however fearfully I did it. I get it that your relationship with your mother progressed past that.

My mother's favorite memory was not of her marriage and my existence, but when her whole Bostonian family used to gather in the 1920's at Santa Monica beach in - to me as a child - funny suits. She was always trying in her way to get that back.

All these years later, and I'm quite the oldie, I understand my mother more, more of a sense of her in the round, her wonderfully good side and her intractable biases. The thickets she went through.

From my own religious past, I am thinking you are taking up your mother and her husband as a saint with a cross.

I hope you rethink all that.
I don't mean to negate your mother. I'm talking about your balloon for a future of despond.

"No, I meant that deciding not to check out your iffy heart rhythm and feeling of a hole that is painful in an actual physical can be a function of depression."

Depression is part of grieving. The hole in my heart that I described is something other people who recently lost a loved one have also felt. Maybe if I thought it was unusual, I would be more concerned.



"I'm sorry, have you no other interests? I may sound a little sharp, but you seem to dwell on what are the many sorrows of natural progressions.
This sounds very rude, given you're in the middle of bereavement I agree with - but I don't agree with all your doldrum presumptions.

The only thing you have to look forward to? The sun and the clouds, the colors in puddles, the taste of a popsicle.. a delicious pizza (or what ever you like)."

Sorry, but popsicles and pizza don't do anything for me right now.




"As far as your stepfather, you are the one working this up as an onus to bear, bear, bear, for years on end. You are working toward martyr, a word I don't use lightly, but am familiar with."

I'm not putting him in a home. It's not about me trying to a martyr. He's in his 90's. He has cancer, Alzheimers, leukemia and Parkinson's disease. He has no family except me. I'm the daughter he never had. I promised my Mom I would take care of him because she loved him and was worried. My family say they want to help but when I mentioned him staying with them for a night so I can get a break they say he can't stay there because they don't have a downstairs bedroom. The stuff I'm expressing today about being angry that it was her that was taken isn't meant as a slam against him. I'm glad he's alive. I just wish she was too.



"I'm not trying to get you to agree with me, socal - I'm saying there is another point of view about your musings. I assume you will dismiss it and dig yourself further.

If I were a psychiatrist, and I'm absolutely not, I'd see you as sucked into some kind of guilt vortex, something from the past. I wish you would work out of it."

Guilt, regret, remorse are all part of grieving. Yes, I have those feelings and I'm sure I'll have more of them. I'm not digging myself into anything. I'm not dismissing anything anyone posts. I'm feeling what I feel and then posting about it. It hasn't been 3 weeks yet. I don't know when I'll feel better about things but I'm not going to pretend I feel okay when I really don't.

"From my own religious past, I am thinking you are taking up your mother and her husband as a saint with a cross."

I'm not sure what you mean. The fact that I'm taking care of him is a temporary thing. The reality is he's very old and without my Mom here for companionship I don't know how long he will last. He's already changed. I don't feel me being compassionate to him is a negative thing.

been thinking about this, and deciding if I wanted to post it, or PM it.

here goes...

without getting too much into my business, I can relate to your taking care of your step-father.

and I don't necessarily see it as having to be a negative, as long as it stays a healthy part of your existence...

I am living where I am (kansas) to take care of my gram till she passes. I don't have to do it. I don't get extra credit for it. I do it because I know she doesn't have anyone else who cares as much as I do, and can take the considerable
time that is required to do it properly.

BUT...

I don't let it become a burden (my sis was watching over before she asked me to return and take over) and I don't let her know the ins and outs of my life.

(she gets the PG version)

I think you can actually find a part of yourself while working through your own problems and doing a service for someone whom you care about.

enough of me, and good luck in your continuing journeys.