How do I overcome the loss of my Mom when I was already in a depression?

A mother's influence never dies. I still don't ever think my house is clean enough, and my mother has been dead for 12 years. Laughing

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That's true. I do know that she'll be with me forever. It's just so silent now. It drives me crazy. She was such a big presence in her attitude and the things she did. It feels so quiet. I hate it.

Lately I've been having thoughts about getting revenge on her doctors. They really failed her in so many ways. I won't act on these thoughts but I've had ideas about making a huge poster about all the things they did wrong and then posting on their door for their other patients to see. I'm pretty much done with doctors. I've been having some weird feelings in my chest, I'm sure it's anxiety, but normally I would go and get it checked. Well, now I feel like I will never go to a doctor again. They fail their patients when they need them the most. They actually make things WORSE with the medications they give. They cut lives short and they don't catch things early even when the signs are all there.

Anyway, I know her voice will be in my head forever. It's not enough though.

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@socal2010,

socal2010 wrote:

That's true. I do know that she'll be with me forever. It's just so silent now.
It drives me crazy. She was such a big presence in her attitude and the things she did. It feels so quiet. I hate it.

Anyway, I know her voice will be in my head forever.
It's not enough though.

Do u think your mom woud wish for u to be happy ?

`

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@socal2010,

Aw, sweetie, it IS so quiet! I think it will continue to be Quiet, without rather a lot of Pretending on your part, forever. (Sorry to say so; that's just my experience.)

HaHa! Doctors! I rather like your Poster idea. It would stay up for about 5 minutes, but still, it's a Much better idea than, you know, torturing them.

I've felt this failure of Doctors myself. When I was 21, two different Doctors (at the same clinic) looked at my chest x-rays, then told me I'd be dead within 6 months because I had Heart Disease.

I thought they were making a very tasteless joke, at first, then after questioning them (both of them MD's) discovered they were serious.

I recall quite clearly that first I went home and went for a very long, troubled walk all around my neighborhood. Then I baked some (really good) Banana Bread.

When I spoke with my relatives about this, they told me I had always, from birth, had a strange "Enlargement of the Pulmonary Valve." I was simply made this way, they said.

Much-earlier chest x-rays were sent to these Dr's, and they eventually withdrew their diagnosis, about 2 months later.

Thus I learned early to trust my own instincts about my own health. I'm now 47, BTW, and perfectly fine.

I worked today & tomorrow, too, so don't worry if I'm not as wordy as usual!

I think of you often, and am sending along Happy-Kitty thoughts.

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@BorisKitten,

Oh, forgot to say... Other people will NOT be quiet.

You might just wish they were, at some point!

Humans are all little joys, in my opinion, whether they teach you what to do, or what NOT to do.

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@BorisKitten,

"I think of you often, and am sending along Happy-Kitty thoughts."

Thank you, that's nice of you.

Today I have a crying fest. My stepdad asked me if it was my birthday so I reminded him it's not. His memory is going. He asks me the same question a few times a day. Then he made a huge mess and didn't even bother to clean it or tell me about it. So after I cleaned it up, I decided to go to the mall just to get some exercise and get out. It's about 30 minutes away. I cried all the way there. Being in my car seems to bring out the tears for some reason. Then all I kept thinking was that it should be my Mom who is here with me not my stepdad. It's such an awful thing to feel and it makes me feel guilty even saying it but it's not fair that she's the one who is gone. She took care of him for so many years and never got to just relax. When they first started dating she loved that he was older because he was a gentleman, unlike the men her own age. But as they both got up in years it was harder. Once he couldn't drive anymore things changed for him. He kind of gave up and she did most things for him. Now I feel so bad that she didn't get just focus on herself. He did take care of her other needs as far as making sure she had whatever she wanted and being able to afford all the medications they've both been on. Still though I wish she could have had at least a few years on her own of just doing things she wanted to do.

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Also, I did look into seeing a psychiatrist and the ones up here are all $200 per session. My insurance doesn't cover it. So I'm not sure what to do about that. Maybe I do need to see someone but at the same time I can't afford it. Sometimes I think I just need to keep crying to get it all out and maybe it will be okay.

David, yes I know my Mom would want me to be happy. I wanted her to be happy too. That's the part that I can't seem to get passed because I think she had so much more happiness to experience. Her doctors failed her in many ways. I know they aren't God but still they made things worse for her.

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@socal2010,

socal2010 wrote:

Also, I did look into seeing a psychiatrist and the ones up here are all $200 per session.
My insurance doesn't cover it. So I'm not sure what to do about that.
Maybe I do need to see someone but at the same time I can't afford it.
Sometimes I think I just need to keep crying to get it all out and maybe it will be okay.

David, yes I know my Mom would want me to be happy.
I wanted her to be happy too. That's the part that I can't seem to get passed
because I think she had so much more happiness to experience.
Her doctors failed her in many ways. I know they aren't God
but still they made things worse for her.

Judging from what I 've been told by folks who have returned from death,
she is HAPPIER now than she 'd have been if her doctors had been more adroit in their work.

David

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@socal2010,

Quote:

... Today I have a crying fest...

Well hon I think you're Supposed to be having a crying fest right now!

You're not unique in your feelings about your stepfather: Far from it!

Most people (me included) become angry, at some point, at the person who died.

After all, the passed-away person Abandoned Us, left us all alone without any help or contact at all. How COULD they?

At least _I_ felt that quite strongly: If my sister loved me as much as she said she did, why ever couldn't she be Bothered to show herself to me after she died? I resented the fact that she appeared to "not make the effort" to appear to me after her death, just to comfort me in my extreme grief and suffering.

This sounds nutty to anyone who hasn't been through it themselves, but it's quite common in grieving people.

Resenting your stepfather for making a huge mess, being forgetful, requiring so much care, and perhaps depriving your mom of the freedom she'd earned is a little side-bar, and nothing, trust me, Nothing to feel guilty about! It's perfectly reasonable.

Even anger at your mom for dying is no need for guilt: It's normal, even expected in this situation.

Stepdad must be a big PITA to you right now. You don't need it.

Frankly, I'm glad to hear your protestations (about him). You are so very reasonable, so very connected with reality, I have little worry about your mental state at this point.

However, when your mom did most things for stepdad, she made her own life choice. She had a Right to make that choice and act upon it, without you (or anyone else) telling her it was Wrong for any reason.

She CHOSE to NOT focus on herself, but on him, instead. It was what made her happy at the time.

You, however, do NOT have to make the same choices she did. Just sayin'.

How was your day today?

My day was really hard. Work (public library) involved police, statements about possible child abuse to the police, arrests, missing co-workers, missing bosses, and 3 or 4 really nutty/scary library patrons.

But, frankly, I'm just fine now that I'm home. Happy Kitten still is a bit fat, very pouffy, and has the largest, fluffiest toes of any cat I've ever met... so all is well with the world right now. <Sigh of Joy>

PS - I always cried while driving, too. I'd often have to pull over to sob. I think a car is our "territory," where other people are excluded, so it's kinda safe to cry there. Cry all you want, hon!

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@socal2010,

Speaking of Psychiatrists, have you considered an Alternative Practitioner? Someone who does, oh, Herbs, Chinese Medicine, Rolfing, Therapeutic Touch, etc?

I think that given your lack of faith in MD's, it's quite possible they Won't be able to help you right now.

Besides, Alternative Medicine is usually cheaper than mainstream.

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@BorisKitten,

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2219/3798898519_b8c431672a.jpg

Happy Kitten

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@BorisKitten,

"have you considered an Alternative Practitioner? Someone who does, oh, Herbs, Chinese Medicine, Rolfing, Therapeutic Touch, etc?"

No I haven't but that's a good idea. I do need to do something. I went to the local college today thinking maybe I should take a class for distraction. Maybe an art class or something light. Even something like that makes me feel bad because I feel she should be here doing that with me. She was very creative so she would have loved taking an art class. She's taken so many of them in her life and would have loved to do another one. It's hard because when I think of something that would help, I always end up not doing it out of sadness.

I know what you're saying about my Mom choosing to focus on him. I think she was a nurturing person so she did like to take care of people. She took care of my Dad like that too before they divorced. But the problem is I'm not sure she knew she had alternatives. So that makes me feel bad. Plus it adds to my feeling that I could have done more. I could have been able to give her another alternative. If I had tons of money, she could have done whatever she wanted. They could have moved in with me and I could have hired a nurse to take care of him, which would have freed my Mom up.

P.S. Your day at work sounds crazy. Did a co-worker get arrested?

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@OmSigDAVID,

"Judging from what I 've been told by folks who have returned from death,
she is HAPPIER now than she 'd have been if her doctors had been more adroit in their work."

She didn't want to die. We used to talk about it all the time. She used to cry when the doctors said she was okay (they were obviously wrong). She would be so relieved when all her tests came out okay. She wanted to live and stay here with me. I don't think she's happier now. Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time with it.

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@socal2010,

Socal, we are a mixed bunch here. I'm on the science/medicine practiced well side of things though I'm open to some alternatives and scornful of poorly practiced medicine, which is fairly rampant - but not over all. I think of myself as one of the least spiritual of a2kers, in what I think of the woo woo sense, and the rest of you think of as connection to the universe or specific local mountains. This is not meant to insult, just clarifying whom you're talking to.

I posted and then erased at least twice some concern for your talk about a hole in your heart and clear indication of physical symptoms. You actually may be having a physical problem and I hope you check that out. Watch yourself - we do care you're ok, from whatever end of the discussion.

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@socal2010,

socal2010 wrote:

David wrote:

Quote:
"Judging from what I 've been told by folks who have returned from death,
she is HAPPIER now than she 'd have been if her doctors had been more adroit in their work."

socal2010 wrote:

Quote:
She didn't want to die.

Correct me if I am rong,
but I take it that u mean cessation of existence.
I certainly understand that she did not wish to cease to exist.
I only mean to suggest that she continues to exist now,
and that it is only her outer body that has become dysfunctional.
For example:
If a radio breaks down, radio waves may very well continue to exist around it,
regardless of whether u see them.

socal2010 wrote:

Quote:
We used to talk about it all the time.
She used to cry when the doctors said she was okay
(they were obviously wrong). She would be so relieved when all
her tests came out okay. She wanted to live and stay here with me.
I don't think she's happier now. Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time with it.

If I may be permitted to analogize:
before one can judge another city,
one must visit it, or at least receive some information about it.
When she said that, she had not yet had the opportunity to test
or verify her opinion on that point.

Quite a high proportion of people (including medical doctors)
who have been brought back from "death" are angry at their having been
brought back again, because thay liked it better the other way.
Some have described re-entering their human bodies
as being put back into prison.

`

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@socal2010,

Quote:

It's hard because when I think of something that would help, I always end up not doing it out of sadness.

I think it's very promising that you ARE thinking of things that would help! And don't say "always" yet; it's only been, what, 3 weeks?

Cut yourself some slack. Well, OK, a LOT of slack! You deserve it.

A class of some sort is a great idea. Certainly they have other ones that aren't huge triggers for you? I think Learning is a wonderful antidote for negative things.

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@socal2010,

Socal2010, I feel sad for you, I empathize with you, for the emotional pain
that u have described. It saddens me that your unhappiness is (in significant part)
unnecessary, because of an error in perception of fact.

It is true that u don 't have immediate access to your mom
for purposes of conference and consultation (I felt the pain of loss
of my own mother 's advice, when she molted several decades ago),
but the loss is only temporary, as if she moved away to Europe,
not as if she were dead. I offer this assertion upon the authority
of my own experiences of what I feel to be "the real me" being
away from my body, looking at my body on-the-job, or having lunch.

Unfortunately for me, each of these experiences was only very brief,
but it was better than nothing at all. Over the years, on 3 occasions,
while I was actively engaged in taking testimony under oath from witnesses
in the New York State Supreme Court in and for the County of Queens,
what I recognized as being "the real me" separated from my body and observed
the question-and-answer-cycle of attorney and witness, about 30 feet away.
Truely, I was actively thinking and asking while seeing my human body
thusly engaged, from that approximate distance.

Another time, it happened while I was about to bite down on a hamburger.
Unexpectedly, I found myself outside in a parking lot, seeing myself
thru a window inside a fast food restaurant, holding said hamburger.
Sadly, (for me) the experience was very short, each time.

Because of those experiences I know that eventually, the real me
will molt off my worn out human body, but the same as a butteryfly
lives on beyond the caterpillar, so also I will continue.

When I was out of my body, I felt fine; I was in NO distress nor discomfort.
I liked it. If I coud have another out of body experience today,
I 'd love to do it. I enjoy them. Thay are fun. I wish mine had been longer.
Of course, it WILL be longer, in the fullness of time.
This Merry-go-Round reaches an end, the same as at Disneyworld.
As u go around on your ride, your family wants u to have a good time,
as thay watch, before u rejoin them.
Maybe u can get another ticket for another ride later, but u shoud know
that when you get off the Merry-go-Round, you are OK.
You are in good hands. Walt Disney woud not hurt you.

David

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@OmSigDAVID,

David, have you ever seen a therapist? I hope that doesn't sound like I'm saying I don't believe you or in any way insulting you, I'm just curious what a doctor would say about your experiences. What do your spouse or other family members say or feel about it? I've heard of near death experiences but it sounds like you weren't near death. Are you sure they weren't something else? I imagine when a person dies it's a peaceful feeling. I don't think my Mom was in pain. I was holding her hand at that exact moment so I know she wasn't in pain. But just because the actual moment of death is peaceful doesn't mean it keeps going and that they are somehow existing in the clouds.

I appreciate what you're trying to tell me and I do know my Mom wants me to be happy. I know that if I'm in this type of pain for an extended period of time that would be awful because she would not have wanted that. I think my spirit will come back and try to have some type of happy life. But right now, I feel even more sure that there's nothing after death because I know for a fact my Mom would have showed me in some way that she was still here. I know she's in my heart as a memory and in every cell in my body since she gave birth to me. But I'm saying I don't feel SHE is here anymore. That's what I'm grieving over. She should be here. The way everything happened was so unfair. I understand life is unfair but it was already unfair enough to my Mom without this happening. She deserved so much more. She's gone forever and there's nothing that can change that. If I could go back in time maybe 15 years ago and live just one of those days over, even if that meant taking years off my life, I would do it.

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@ossobuco,

"I posted and then erased at least twice some concern for your talk about a hole in your heart and clear indication of physical symptoms. You actually may be having a physical problem and I hope you check that out. Watch yourself - we do care you're ok, from whatever end of the discussion."

I hate doctors with a passion right now. I know what you mean though. I am having physical symptoms of something. My heart doesn't beat right. I should get it checked but honestly the only reason I ever worried about my health before was because I didn't want my Mom to have to experience the loss of a child. Right now I don't feel that my health matters anymore. I know that's a bad way to look at it but that's how I feel.

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@socal2010,

Hello, socal2010

I haven't participated in this discussion to date, but have been following it closely & really feel for you. A very difficult time in your life, I can see that. Can I just say that I have been hugely impressed by the intelligent way that you've faced this very upsetting situation. Also to pass on my sympathy at the loss of your mother. My very best wishes to you.

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How do I overcome the loss of my Mom when I was already in a depression?

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