How do I overcome the loss of my Mom when I was already in a depression?

Thank you, that's kind of you. It took quite a long time, but I've been able to come to some peace about what happened, and that helps a lot.


If you're so inclined, that might be a way in which you can feel or keep her with you- while getting out a little more and widening your circle somewhat. I don't know what their schedule is in your area, but in the metropolitan, central New Jersey area FISH- they pack food and deliver it once a month. So they need people to pack the groceries into bags (on a Friday night) and deliver those bags of food on a Saturday morning once a month. Whenever I'm visiting my parents and it happens to be FISH delivery day - I always go along, just because it's a great group of people and they really need younger volunteers who can heft the heavy bags and carry them- and it really is fun.
In my parents' FISH group there are people of all ages and nationalities helping and after the delivery is done - everyone goes out to lunch somewhere.
The Christmas toy wrapping day (where they wrap the presents for the children they've collected throughout the year) is another big party - again of people of all ages and nationalities coming together for a common cause. There's often music and a pot-luck as people stand and wrap presents (for hours!)
I'd urge you to call them when you feel able to . They really do always need and welcome new volunteers.

I'm glad you felt your mom with you after you spoke to her and that feeling her presence was helpful to you.
Please don't hesitate to let me know if you think there's any way I can be helpful to you. Again, I wish you the best.

I think asking your mom for help is a good idea. My mom has been gone for almost nine years and I still ask her for guidance sometimes.

I know the pain is incredibly deep right now. It's hard. But it does get easier with time.

Did you reschedule the appointment with the minister?

If u want to, u might think of it as if she went to a distant country,
while u remained here for a while (as if u were in college here, or something)
with the intention that u will thereafter join her.

People who have returned from that distant land (in hospitals)
very ofen, almost always, tell of being welcomed by loving relatives who left before them.
From their perspective, the separation was only very brief,
as thay don 't have a sense of time.

Of whatever interest it may be: I have had a few out-of-body experiences,
from which I know that one does not need to be in his or her material body
to have comfortable conscious life. In the meantime, use your own
judgment as to how best to fill in your life. Decide what is most important
to u and have a lot fun while u r doing it, and remember:
"if it ain 't fun, u r doing it rong." In the meantime:
enjoy the society of good friends of your choice
and do what it is fun for u to do.


I believe that it is a fact that u and your mom will meet after u molt.





David

Gee, I'm so excited I have molting to look forward to.

Its kinda fun (out-of-body experience)
and a quick way to lose weight.

"Did you reschedule the appointment with the minister?"

Sorry, I forgot to answer. No I didn't reschedule. She said to call next week.

I'm thinking of doing that other thing instead because it's a group and it lasts for a couple months. It was listed on griefshare.com. Maybe that would be better than just me and the pastor meeting once or twice. I think I need to be connected to other people who are in my shoes more than to a pastor.

I also looked up counselors just in case. The past couple days I've just been in bed and getting the energy to cook for my stepdad has been hard. I haven't been crying, it's more like a numb state. If I keep feeling that way I will see a counselor. I'll ride it out though and see if maybe it's just part of my process.

Welcome to A2K Socal.

so sorry for your loss - you are very early days here - please try and be gentle with yourself.

having read your posts, the first thing that comes to mind is your mornings. Is there a way of changing your routine in the morning? You've said that evenings aren't as bad - so perhaps, when you're feeling a little better in the evening (which makes sense in some ways because it means that sleep time is on it's way where you don't have to think), maybe you could write down one or two things and put it next to the kettle - so when you get up in the morning, the first thing you do is see your "to do" list in the morning. These "to do's" - could you make them something that is specifically for you - not for anyone else. Maybe a walk down the lane, I don't know, putting on some make-up a different way, picking up a camera and taking some pics, reading a book for an hour or some poetry, writing something down or writing a poem describing your feelings, something that you OWN. Just for you.

Achieving those things that you have set yourself to do - little things - and each day gradually building it up into something you have an interest in - could be needlework, scrapbooking, pressed flowers, woodwork, pottery... whatever interests you - something that has a postive result at the end of it - growing something, flowers, veggies, baking a cake.

The problem with mornings is... you got the whole day to get thru. Somehow you need to fill your days, not just looking after someone, but looking after yourself, doing things that you can achieve to make YOUR life better. It's very hard to do that when you are responsible for the care of another. It's even harder when you are remote. Even harder when you feel people don't understand. Even harder when you feel lost and are grieving.

You can do it. You will. It will take time.

You said you feel "lost" and no-one understands that is close or near to you - yep, it's a horrible feeling when you feel so alone and have no idea how or who to talk with, or who will just listen instead of "talking back at you" or you feel as tho they are getting bored with listening to you. Horrible feeling. Well, as was pointed out, there's no professional counsellors here (I don't think, maybe, who knows) - but just talking to people in this sort of medium can make a huge difference. If it makes you feel better, even for a short while, then just write whatever you are comfortable with so it's out of your head. Play games, interact, feel as tho you aren't alone any way you can.

You'll be surprised girl, there's a lot of folk around who have that "lost" feeling and don't feel they can confide in people around them (in real life). However, if you can talk with someone / third party face to face and are comfortable with that... then try to do so.

Numb, I believe, is part of the grieving process. This is so raw for you right now and actually, I think you have done really well by being able to express yourself here at such at early stage of your grief. There isn't a magical day with grief, where all of sudden the sadness and pain stops. It doesn't suddenly happen. It takes a long time. One day you may wake up in the morning and your Mom and what's happened will not be the very first thing that pops into your head. Then you may feel awful because it wasn't the first thing you thought of. Or you may find yourself laughing about something and feel terrible because you were laughing and "shouldn't be", because it doesn't feel right. But that is normal - and there's no rights or wrongs. As time moves forward, and there's no time limits, the pain will lessen and you will find some sort of balance again. No Time Limits.

Your way to grieve is the only way.

If you are comfortable talking with folk on the internet or in a chat room - then do what you feel is good for you - if you feel that meeting up with people who have also suffered a loss would help you - then try to get that organised. Phone the doctor, ask for help for whom to contact.

Again, my condolences for your loss Socal.

Try and give yourself a "to do" for tomorrow and no matter how small, be proud of yourself for achieving what you do. Do it for YOU. Just for you. Be gentle with yourself and take good care.

There's always someone around. Talk when you wish.

Thank you Izzie. I appreciate your words and how you said I'm doing okay with expressing myself. Especially considering the circumstances. At this point, if I can get through this year without going insane I will consider it a victory.

I'm also having weird thoughts about my own mortality and who would take care of things if I wasn't here. One of my family members said sometimes we don't know why things happen until years later, so I was worrying that my Mom passed away now because maybe something is going to happen to me. That would have destroyed her so maybe God took her now. I get weird thoughts like that.

I will try your advice about the "to do" list. I'm still having problems with working up the energy to do anything, except cook for my stepdad. I immediately go back to bed afterwards. Then I dread having to cook the next meal. Last night I had so many times when I woke up with that awful empty feeling in my heart. It actually physically hurts. Sometimes just sitting up ends it or even waking up stops it.

I do need to start figuring out how I can my my life better, apart from what I'm doing for my stepdad. I have no clue how.

Hello dear,

I've read this whole thread, and want you to know that I'm thinking of you, and caring very much about what happens to you.

I was delighted with your "molting" comment, since I imagined you actually smiled for a moment there, right?

Frankly I think you're handling this extraordinarily well, I really do, even given your "weird thoughts" just described. Such things are to be expected; they will pass.

When I was 17, my sister, 19 at the time, was killed by a drunk driver. We were unnaturally close (holding hands, sleeping in the same bed, going to the same college), probably due to being severely abused as children, by our own parents.

When she was killed (talk about sudden!) I had the most bizarre thoughts one can imagine. I thought I was going insane, literally. I hated being alive; every moment was torture. I remember it all so vividly, and this happened 30 years ago.

My point is this: I healed, eventually. It took me 5 long years to realize (I was a bit slow, really) that I could actually try to become happier. And, in fact, I tried, and after many years of trying, it worked.

Time does not "heal all wounds," but it does create some pretty good scars, which hurt less than wounds, and it all happens without effort on your part.

I think it's too early for you to worry about your future. Forget about "this year." Only "this moment" really matters right now.

You're probably still in shock, and that is OK, even to be expected.

I also have some suggestions, as others have. If you don't like them, feel free to ignore them. Only YOU know what is best for you at any given time.

Suggestion one: Read more threads here. You won't believe the amount of pain expressed on this board. When you see someone hurting, write a little comment. A smiley face, ((hug)), whatever.

You might be surprised to find that hurting person is grateful for your help. Despite your own pain, you CAN help others who are hurting. I've always found this to be healing for myself.

Suggestion Two: Try to find something on the Internet that will make you smile, just for this one moment.

I like www.cuteoverload.com. Just pictures of cute critters. I also like A2K's own "Cat Room 2" thread, but I'm a cat person. Maybe you're a dog person, or a plant person, or whatever: only you know what makes you smile.

Suggestion Three: Pretend your mom is still nurturing you, watching over you, and caring about you. I'm not a believer in anything spiritual, mind you, I'm talking Pretending, not Believing. Imagine her seeing you now, and imagine how she would want you to heal, to feel better, to become whole again.

Again, I think you're doing surprisingly well in the circumstances. Give yourself a pat on the back, eh? I never could have cared for someone when my sister died, yet there you are, doing it. Bravo!

Thank you for your post BorisKitten. I'm so sorry about your sister.

Yes, the molting comment was my typical sarcasm coming through. Normally I have a sarcastic type of humor. My Mom loved sarcasm and slapstick. She loved Benny Hill and South Park. It was always funny to me that at her age she loved South Park. She even loved Beavis and Butthead when it was on.

Thanks for your suggestions. I wish I could bring myself out of the fog I'm in but I just feel so drained. I find myself avoiding looking at her photos now because I'm afraid of what will happen. I also have some voicemails saved from her and I'm afraid to listen to them even though part of me thinks it will be positive to hear.

I was pretending my Mom was comforting me the other day and it did work. Then after a while I felt empty again because I realize that I will have to play mind games with myself forever in order to feel her comfort. She was really such a big presence in my life. I wish there was a way to connect to her through my family but there isn't. She was the honest one and the person who didn't hide anything. My other family members hide things. Example, one family member is gay and won't ever come out and say it even though everyone, including her own children know. That side of the family is secretive so it's tough to get close to people like that. My Mom was the opposite. She would say whatever was on her mind, almost too much. But people always knew what she was thinking. She was my touchstone for what was real in life. I feel like there's no one who brings back her essence to me. My Aunt did a little bit but she's the type who doesn't speak during her grief so she's not really available. She lost a son 35 years ago and still won't speak much about it. So I can't really turn to her. If my Mom were here, she'd say something like "put on your big girl panties and rely on yourself" or something like that. But right now, I can't seem to find my own strength or when I do, it's very shortlived.

About the spiritual element, I always thought that if my Mom passed away and there was such a thing as heaven, she would DEFINITELY let me know. She would make waves and create good things for me. Since she passed away there's been total silence. This makes me feel less spiritual than I was before. I don't hear her and I know for a fact if she could communicate with me she would.

I feel for you sweetie, and at the same time I'm rather surprised at your level-headedness in your time of grief. I think you must usually be a strong woman.

I'm sarcastic myself, and outspoken, often saying a bit too much. So there are, in fact, other folk with at least Some of your mom's qualities out there.

I really like Benny Hill as well. Also like Monty Python, who now has a YouTube Channel, featuring their old clips. How can I NOT laugh at their "Ministry of Silly Walks" video, or "The Black Knight?"

As for my sister, her sudden death was only the beginning... my other sister, my brother, and my father are also dead. I'm 47 yrs old, and 4 of my 6 immediate family members are dead; the 5th hasn't spoken to me in 15 years, so I am quite alone in the world.

I tell you this NOT because I seek any sort of empathy, but because I'm actually a very happy person. I feel pretty knowledgeable (or experienced, anyway) in dealing with the death of loved ones.

My first note is, NO, you will never, ever get over the death of your mother. And you know what? You will still be OK. You WILL grow strong again.

My suggestion to Pretend she is watching over you is NOT meant to be a permanent change in your life, but a simple, immediate crutch.

You know what I mean? You break your leg; you use a crutch. When your leg heals enough to walk on, you discard the crutch. Thus you can plan on discarding your Pretending when you no longer need it.

I suggested Internet happies because they are EASY. I always took "baby steps" first. Internet happies only require an anonymous click of your mouse: No commitment, no (extra) money, and anonymity, all probably good things for you Right Now.

You don't have to look at photos or listen to voicemails if you don't want to. Nobody says you "should."

And your mom was So Very Right: "Rely on yourself" right now. Only your own judgment can tell you When an action is appropriate; I suggest you trust your judgment, for the time being (well, unless it tells you your thoughts are radiating from the nearest electrical outlet).

This might be a good time for some major self-back-patting. You are tending to the needs of another human being. I have not been nearly as strong as you are, in the past.

I don't think there will ever be anyone, in real life, who will be able to bring back the essence of your mom. It just plain hurts.

Yet I think NOW is the time to just go ahead and feel that hurt. In my life, if I put hurt off, it bites me in the butt later... sometimes years later. I have this saying about life's emotional difficulties: "The only way OUT is THROUGH."

You cannot circumvent your pain, your hurt, your anger at being abandoned. You have to just suffer through it. Try to be tender with yourself, like your mom would be with you. Try to emulate her with yourself (thus the Pretending bit, for now). She'd want to ease your pain.

Me too! Barbara, my sister, would certainly have contacted me and comforted me if she could have, after her death. Yet she never did.

My brother died of AIDS, which he had for some 12 years before his actual death. Not HIV, mind you, but full-blown AIDS, where he was in Intensive Care for many days with that pneumonia AIDS patients get (forget the real name, sorry).

So he had this pneumonia 12 years before he actually died. In Intensive Care (with the pneumonia, 12 yrs prior), he actually died for 10-15 minutes, and was shocked back to life.

He told me later that Death was easy; it was identical, in his opinion, to a dreamless sleep. No lights, no happy floating and watching, no tunnel, no long-lost relatives, no Jesus greeting him. Nothing.

Exactly, he told me, like a dreamless sleep. He said the really hard part was being shocked alive, and feeling all that pain again. He did not appreciate it.

Now if you like to think that mom is in Heaven, more power to you! I think that's wonderful! (Like the molting.)

If, however, like me, you think that dead loved ones do NOT live on in any way, shape, or form, that's OK too. You know what? They DO live on in your memories of them.

That is, in my opinion, good enough. Let's just face the facts: Life is painful.

If you try really hard, life can be darned good, even joyful... but only with time's passing.

One thing I've done with the death of loved ones is my own little ritual. I write down all the things I loved about that person, then I burn those bits of paper and say "Farewell; you will live in my memories as long as I live. I'll always love and remember you."

This is a Private ritual, meant to be carried out alone and with the solemnity (or humor, or love) you feel is appropriate.

Oh, and I forgot to say, if your relatives are not helpful at this time, **** Them! You've no obligation to contact them, in my opinion.

Thank you again, I appreciate your words so much. I'm amazed that you've gone through so much loss with such strength. I can tell you're a happy person, that comes through with your posts. So that you're able to be like that and appreciate life is a good lesson for everyone.

I guess you're right that some people in life have my Mom's qualities. I just don't know any of them. (Although I know you sort of so that counts!) Most the people I'm around are not honest, they don't tell the truth, they want to be seen in a certain way and they do all they can to maintain that. I miss being able to turn to my Mom with my eyebrows raised and ask her what she thinks about a given situation. She would always cut to the chase and be honest. She could read through people so easily. She was so right about some of my relatives.

Honestly, without the internet the past week or so, I would have gone nuts. I'm listening to all the suggestions and I do want to get to the point where I'm being good to myself. I feel so self-indulgent that I keep posting about this since we all have losses, it's not like I'm the first one. I guess I was just so thrown with this. I didn't expect it and it just seems so enormous to me. I still don't think I even comprehend it.

I was just going through my emails and found one sent from this online store. They sell gift items and stuff. My Mom used to buy me stuff ALL the time. She was addicted to shopping online. I used to joke with her that I was afraid to say I liked something because she'd be on the phone ordering it. I saw this one email about some stained glass suncatchers. I love stained glass stuff. This one particular thing I saw was something I showed my Mom a little bit ago and she was going to buy it for me. I was thinking about buying it anyway, in an effort to be good to myself like everyone is saying and to treat myself like she would. I don't know if I will or not, but at least I was thinking about it.

Right now I'm feeling somewhat okay. I don't know if it's from reading posts or what. Maybe my brain is giving me a little break. Thanks again for your posts.

Oh Socal...

I LOVE stained glass too. Have you ever tried doing your own stained glass? Well, funny 'ole thing - as it goes - I was looking at stained glass stuff today - I'm visiting the US right now and went to a store called Michaels - oh my - I could spend hours in there and spend the fortune I don't have - anyhoooooo - there were these bottles and you can buy thin lead strips and glass paints... endless possibilities

ok.... so I'm kinda off on a tangent here - but how about trying something like that as a wee project to take on - or maybe making windchimes - saw some of them too - that would be lovely in the country.



DO TREAT YOURSELF - it's lovely to be a little self indulgent and I reckon now is a good time to indulge yourself - go on hun, why not a? - buy yourself a wee prize and enjoy it every time the sun catches the light.

(at Christmas last year I bought myself a vase - it is an art deco bronze vase... nothing special to someone else... lillies and dragonfly - but it's the most beautiful vase ever and I am so, so glad I got it for myself - absolutely cheap as chips really but every time I look at it I love it a little more - a little self indulgence never hurt no-one!)










<BorisKitty - love your posts - you make me smile with your posivibes - internet happies - that's a wonderful expression - good onya gal>

BorisKitten wrote:

Yes.
About 2/3 of people who have returned from death
have said that. Some of them have had multiple deaths,
some of which included adventures, with observations,
and during others thay only remember waking up.






BorisKitten wrote:

NO! That 'd be incest. DON T DO IT !




`

"Yes.
About 2/3 of people who have returned from death
have said that. Some of them have had multiple deaths,
some of which included adventures, with observations,
and during others thay only remember waking up."

I thought you believed that there IS a reunion of family members after someone dies?

"I LOVE stained glass too. Have you ever tried doing your own stained glass? Well, funny 'ole thing - as it goes - I was looking at stained glass stuff today - I'm visiting the US right now and went to a store called Michaels - oh my - I could spend hours in there and spend the fortune I don't have - anyhoooooo - there were these bottles and you can buy thin lead strips and glass paints... endless possibilities"

My Mom and I used to go to Michaels all the time. She was very crafty. She was an artist and could paint and do all sorts of things. She's made me SO much stuff over the years ---- oil paintings, scarfs, blankets, china painting, scrapbooks, all sorts of things.

I hope you're having fun on your trip to the US. It seems like most people on the site aren't in the US. Or maybe just the ones I've posted with.

Yep - having a grand time here thanku. Got an A2K gathering coming up in Illinois in a couple weeks (they're a good bunch of kind folksies here ).

Hope today is being gentle with you and you are getting thru it as best you can. Take good care and talk as you wish.



<Most of the folk on this thread are US'ers>.

Snort o' Laughter! Ya got me!

Yes,
but thay remain the same parents thay were b4 thay molted,
to wit: thay are not 100% quiescent, in the same spirit that
a mother insists that her tearful, reluctant son go to school
on the first day, or go to the dentist, assuring him that
it will be over soon and that it will not be too bad.

For instance, in the 1980s, I attended an attorney 's office
to take depositions in a construction case wherein plaintiff got killed.
As is ofen the case, there were multiple corporate defendants,
of whom I represented one. My client was the General Contractor,
a ruff, earthy fellow of pragmatic no-nonsense demeanor.

I had a copy of the NY Daily News, whose headline concerned
a teenager who had been very grievously injured,
having been slashed across the chest in a knife fight,
cutting and deflating both of his lungs, almost completely severing his heart,
reducing blood presure to zero from exsanguination.

The story said that he was revived in the hospital
and said that his deceased older brother had been present,
who said (as I remember) "no room for u here, kid; its not your time"
holding down his spirit, as he was beginning to rise out of his body.
With all of those injuries, he came back to life in the hospital.

While counsel (our host) left the room to fotostat an exhibit
for the deposition, I commented on the story, whereupon
my client said that he had been in a similar situation turned
around the other way: he had chronic severe back difficulties,
requiring mulitiple surgeries over the years. He said that he
was in the hospital for another one on the following day,
when he saw a spherical Being of Light toward the ceiling
in his room, that told him that he 'd not survive that surgery.
His time was up. My client said that he told the Being
that he had a teenaged boy who was a bit ruff,
and that without him he did not think his wife coud keep
the boy out of jail. He said that his argument succeeded.
The Being of Light relented.

In the early 1990s, I was invited to a dinner meeting
of a club for the study of the works of Arthur Conan Doyle.
The lady who invited me said that she 'd have to absent herself
prematurely, because a friend of hers was in extremis,
on his deathbed, in a state of high apprehension.
I suggested to her that since we were in lower Manhattan,
u coud not throw a rock without hitting a bookstore,
that she shoud find him a book on the survival of death,
to calm him, whereupon her friend, Mary Francis, seated
by her side, mentioned that during the 1980s, she had been
in Florida, in a hospital having great difficulty in giving birth.

She said that after she heard her attending obstetrician say
something that amounts to "we 've lost her", her consciousness
rose up floated high in the room, and then back behind the hospital,
where she had never been before. She said that she saw her
5 year old son back there, seated at the top of some wooden stairs,
leading down to the backyard of the hospital, when a cook
came out of the door gave him a slice of chocolate cake,
proceeded down the stairs and pulled down a miniature bananna
from a tree for the boy. Her thoughts then turned to her
daughter several miles away in her school, whereupon her mind
and spirit arrived there and saw that the class was taking a spelling test.
She saw that her daughter misspelled one of the words
because thay did not use fonetic spelling (as thay SHUD).

Mary Francis said that at this point she felt emotional pain
at the impending loss of her mortal family,
whereupon she arrived back in the hospital and re-entered
her body. She told her physician of her adventures.
He called the cook up to their room,
who confirmed the cake and bananna.

Her husband then went to their daughter 's school
and confirmed that at the indicated time, the class
was taking a spelling test, and at day 's end,
her daughter came home with the misspelled word.

Because I have had a few brief unexpected out-of-body experiences,
I don 't have much trouble giving credence to the notion
that life can exist without the material flesh n bones.

U might be interested in the works of Janis Amatuzio, M.D.,
author of FOREVER OURS
and known as the “compassionate coroner” of several counties
of Minnesotta and of Wisconsin bearing upon her many years
of experience in these concerns. Available from Amazon.com
as well as Life After Life by Raymond Moody, M.D.



David