It's a hole

Just leave the door open, shewolf. One day, maybe she'll read this thread. It's a very tricky time for both of you.

Im sorry that I have not paused to say thank you to every individual person who has posted. I hope all is forgiven and understood. I do appreciate all that you have offered and said. I really do.


My mom and I talked today.
Im keeping this short as I am really confused and offset by this..

but all she ( j) would ask my mom was " what is she like"

J does not remember me as a person. We would see each other off and on until she was about 5. So there is a bit of memory there of me, but not enough to form an opinion about me.
Apparently she has no one now but her father. The other side of the family shunned her and never took her in.

Im just learning this.
This feels terrible.
I have to chew on this for a while before I can spit it out and make some sense of it.

the game of life.

you only get one turn to play, and nobody explains the Real rules when you start.

forward thinking and hugs to you, wolfie.

If only I'd been so very emotionally smart at your age, just THINK of the pain and trouble I could have saved myself!

You are, yet again, totally correct about "what to do now."

Sending love and admiration your way, and a big fuzzy hug too.

Please keep writing.
I think you are doing yourself a lot of good by getting this out.
In some way or another you are doing us a lot of good as well.
For what it's worth, you're in my prayers.
You are deep, heartful, and tough and you'll work through this.
Hang in.

I will write more when I decide to turn this back on.

I have numbed it down quite a bit. It is a conscious decision to not think about it, to stay busier then I should, and 'create new drama' that requires my attention and maintenance.

For example-
Jillian starts a new day care / new day school on the 6th.
I have deliberately NOT purchased any supplies, no new clothes, have not enrolled her completely.. blah blah blah..

That is what I am doing this weekend and it is a frantic , last minute hurry. And having it that way was deliberate.
I dont have to think this weekend.
I work early tomorrow morning and will be working alone... so.. again.. no thinking. Just work. Just busy. Just too much to do.
I need this time, this.. down time.. to digest this.

Im still very angry and still very displaced and I dont want to feel that anymore. Im tired of not being able to provide an honest answer to Jillian when she asks what is wrong. Im tired of spacing out all the time. Im just tired of it..

Procrastination as a coping mechanism.
I like it.

I'm here, I'll listen,,,,,,,,my only suggestion is to keep busy doing things that you are good at and enjoy.

well, Im not good at drinking.

I have done that a lot over the past 3 weeks.

I woke up this morning, with that feeling of " oh my god, what have i done"
That feeling belongs to teenagers, who drink too much and wonder if they stayed clothed.. or something stupid.

The danger point is beaming red at me. And i am listening. I promise.

check your PM's

and if it's PMS time, please consider your fellow posters...

I give up.
Im getting someone to come and help me clear this out. Another person who is sensitive to these kinds of things like me. Im not looking forward to this, but Im getting no where by myself.

cryptic

It's good to ask for help. People care about you.

You need to forgive yourself, shewolf. You haven't done anything wrong. You made the best decision you could based on the circumstances and the information you had at the time you placed your baby.

Adoptive parents are not saints. They're just people, normal people who make mistakes just like everyone else. There is no way you could have foreseen what was going to happen. You are not responsible for her behavior.

Your birthdaughter has surely been grieving for her mother for a long time before she died. Now that this chapter is closed it will be easier for her to move on with her life.

Find the help you need to forgive yourself. No one else is blaming you.

I dont think it is self blame that has me feeling so 'tripped up'

I think it is a combination of jealousy.. I mean.. i would LOVE to be able to not give a flying **** about things and sit on my ass and stay high. I really do. But I cant. And I love that too..

but it is a combination of jealousy, anger, confusion, and a few other things I dont quite know yet.

I do not doubt that I am angry with myself for choosing her on some level, but right now that isnt the light in the sky emotion.

Im just truly surprised at how intense this has been to me. Really surprised.

My mother got to spend some time with J.
She just got home yesterday.

I called her, forgetting that she had been there.

She says I need to call her back later on. We cant talk while I am shopping.

The second phone call never happened.

But I will tell you what she will say before she says it.

She is going to tell me to not worry. Of course. She is my mother.

She will tell me that everyone is ok

She will tell me that it was a relief

She will tell me she misses her

And she will not tell me that J wants to speak to me.
Because she doesnt.

<ouch> Let's just wait and see what happens.....

I have found a 'spiritual' healer of sorts...

I use this term loosely.. but not too much.

He is like me.


I used to work for a friend who opened a rather popular daycare here. In this building many ugly angry, child hating energies resided. She was almost blind to them, adapting everything including her own posture to keep on going. She is a wonderful woman who has a driving force that I can never comprehend but appreciate more then I can explain.

After about 4 months of the school being re-opened, her body started to bulge in the middle and the small of her back began to protrude forward . As if she were 8 months pregnant.

I finally stopped her once and told her about what was going on in her school.
I explained to her the big indian man who was blue and triangular, and very angry... did not like what was going on.
There was a woman in a dress too who was agitated and insulting.

Many times, doors would slam on me, rooms would fill with smoke, things would go flying off of counters /walls/ etc.. and it would just be all around creepy.

Once i began to tell her, she started confirming the things I said by recounting experiences of other workers, kids, family members etc.

Some how, discovering the energy in her school lead her to a local man named Bart.

I walked into that school after his work and it was all I could do to stay off the floor , I was sooo comfortable.
My dear friend has lost weight and now has a waiting list on her school a year long. Its popularity is gaining , and it is in more demand then it was before.
Her teachers are wonderful happy people who dont get stressed over squabbles between kids and dont have to take a time out themselves because they automatically know to communicate instead of dictate.

This mans work ripped the rug out from under my feet, but in a good way.
I have never knew of anyone who could do that..
See it? see stuff like that? feel it ? sense it? communicate with it?
Sure.

Work with it?
oh god no.



he will be here in 2 weeks.