It's a hole

I'm thinking of you, shewolf and hope you're doing okay today.

Jeez Loueez! What a misinformed person she must be.

You know better.

You know what will heal you; I trust your judgment, it is excellent.

Ditto to DD and Free Duck..

<hugs SheW>

thank you everyone.

Today was better, yet a bit odd.

I will write more in the morning.

Yipes! Here's hoping for better times; remembering the good and forgetting the bad.

Here's to better days.

Well, yesterday was not a -bad- day compared to the ones I have had before.
Yesterday was just a... eh.. an odd day.
What i felt was truly mine and I did not 'skip out' and stare off into space for long periods of time.

i felt angry and jealous and I want to beat myself up for it in a sense. . but I dont.

Im angry because of everything that has happened... but.. there is a part of me that is really angry at my mother.
My mother has not called me yet from new mexico. And I am sure it isnt that she does not want to, it is because she is busy. There are SOOO many friends/family there that have attended this funeral and SOOO many people she has not seen in years. What a hell of a way to be reunited . and I know she is staying with friends and does not want to assume a long distance bill for them to call me.. but, I know it is selfish but I wish she would.
Im angry. she gets to see J . i dont .
And if things go well, and J's dad isnt having to whisk them away to take care of other funeral plans, my mom gets to spend time with J.

and i dont

I have not HAD a real PULL like this to be with her . Ever. Not even when she was born.
When she was born, I was 19 and angry about it. I saw her as a road block. As a responsibility I did not want and I was angry and projected that because i was embarassed at having a baby so young. I thought that meant I was stupid, out of control and less than when compared to other people. It was in therapy , around the time she was born that I learned how much I really hated myself. I didnt hate myself for that decision, i just became acutely aware of how bad I looked down on myself THEN because of her. When she came out it was like this demon came out of me too that had always been there and was telling me what I really thought of me.
I never gave that anger, that dissappointment , that frustration to J. But I learned a bit about myself that I could not handle -because- she arrived . Does that make sense? And i think , well, I know, that was a big part of the reason I chose to walk out of that situation and not be her parent at the time.
I did not do this thinking I would just get her back later on. I did that knowing it was not right for me and the idea to EVER have her back was ... just . not. there.
And yesterday, and even today, I miss her. I want her.
I dont know what she smells like. I dont know what she looks like.
is she tall? is she chubby like I was at 13?
Dark hair with curls? or is it still that baby fine straight hair she had?
Teeth? straight? messed up? does the have the -k-9 tooth that I have? What does she like? Boys yet? Its time......... is she still playing with dolls and toys?
make up?
clothes?
tv?

i know nothing of her and it is leaving a hole that I dont think I knew I owned.
And so my mother is there.. soaking her up right now... and Im not.
im angry and jealous. But on a very practical level. I would not hold that against my mother and I know it isnt being done to be rude..
quite the contrary.

my mother made that trip with no job , just to tell J about me

mornin' wolfie.

hugs...

mornings........blah

x x

Planes n trains still work.
Thay will next week n next year.

U can do what u decide to DO.
Its in your hands.

yes and no.

It is not appropriate to just 'walk' into her life or assume that she wants to carve out a space for me

Yes. I can go there any time i want. Driving only takes about 11 hours . getting there is never the issue. The issue is that it is a bit more sensitive of an issue then just physically being there.

but I hear what you are saying.

As u wish, so shall it be unto u.
Its a good thing that your daughter agrees with u and has no wish to see her sister either.

Some people have been heard to say that their parents rejected them
because thay are not good enuf; ostracized. I am sure that your daughter knows better than that.

my daughter is only 5 and does not know the other exists.
she has no say so in this

I am sure that u know the right thing to do.
You are the mother. What thay want is secondary.

David, you have a way of connecting to people, an empathy that's simply amazing. I bet you would have bean a great social worker, (especially with kids).

U r too kind.

`

not really.

Totally agree on that one!

What does your older daughter think? Longing to meet you? Still too much in shock to care? "Never" wants to meet you?

Your mom can fill you in on these facts, right?

Sending big fuzzy snuggles.