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Something Mentally changed in my husband! Help!

 
 
Reply Mon 6 May, 2019 01:56 pm
ive been with my husband for 13 years. hes always been the most mentally stable person I know. smart , well mannered , handsome , Educated , and a drive for life.
2 years ago he had a work accident. he broke his back , and has been off work since. He's doing fine , but some massive red flags have been showing and I have no idea where to turn.
My husband has always been against drugs. the kind of man who wouldn't take a T4 for his back because of the ingredients... over the past few years , since the accident , male friends have made comments about drugs and I pushed it off assuming jealously or attempt to come between us. I mean , my husband ? Never. In October , he got pulled over. with cocaine in my car.... and our smallest child. shocked I asked " who for ?? " … that's when I found out my husband was a addict. instantly asked him to leave , to be blindsided with " the cocaine helps the pain.. the pain from his liver cancer... " I felt terrible. invited him home. and hes here to the day.. money kept missing , lies kept growing. hes taken me off his next to kin , I cannot access medical records. they have no patient by his name at the cancer clinic. hes went as far as telling our kids.... .I , in my heart... believe . its lies.
never have I seen paper work. never medication other then his back problems. nothing. today, we had a argument. while I am at work and I receive a photo of a toilet of blood and blood dripping down his mouth. I left work , and hes gone " to the hospital " which again , I don't believe. I have contacted social services... and my words were... if this is true. ill never forgive myself. to spit up on his last leg of life. hes only 36. hes said its terminal , and stage 4. but if this is lies, I already know hes stolen from me , many times. money I save for OUR kids for drugs. hes lied, hes making up stories when caught in bad lies , to distract. hes probably making up cancer stories ,which touches home as I have buried my sibling recently. a few weeks ago he left with a rope to commit suicide , while he knows... I struggle daily , with a parent who has commited suicide. I cannot let him just tear me apart here. I have 3 children and I work endless hours to support him and the children so he can heal. to get robbed , lied to , and laughed at in return. I think hes loosing his mind and I think there is more mentally wrong with him then physically . a few nights ago , I got woke up to him 3am screaming death was here to take him. he had all the childrens keep sakes in his pocket. and was barricaded in our house by chairs and tables against the door. I kinda hoped he was on drugs at this point. I was scared for him. he was not...…. is it common for mental illness to blow up at his age? hes 36. is it from the cocaine spree he went threw ( he says 6 months. I think 1 year to 18 months ) or.... is this a sign of mental illness? in 13 years , we had one physical altercation. where he shoved me. once. we have had 10 in the padt year, with some serious physical bruises , cuts etc. hes become a lot less tolerant , hes aggressive with me , he has hit me , spit on me, slashed my tires, beat out my windows. and on the end of it all , he has a way to guilt me into feeling like its my fault.

I love this man. I am 31. ive spent my whole life with him. hes my entire world aside from our children. this isn't him. I hold on , I want to help. I don't want him to die alone if the case , nor do I want to walk , if this is mental illness and he needs help. marriage is suppose to be threw thick and thin , I want to be here for him! but I don't know what to do. I am sick of feeling like Its me. like I am the reason for every fault. that I am bad for even writing this considering hes actually lying and not sick. hes never produced any paper work . nothing to back anything up. ive given such nice soft, I understand , ways for him to back down from these and move on. he hasn't budged. hes affecting my income ( ours ) as I come home often as hes sick.... ill loose my job.... I just need someone to tell me its ok I feel like I do. its ok to assume.. or point me to somewhere I can maybe get some answers.... thank you so much !!!!!! praying for myself... my children , and my sick Husband..
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Mon 6 May, 2019 06:11 pm
@nikkisaunders88,
There is a ton to unpack here.

I'm not a doctor.

He needs to see one. Go with him. Insist on an appointment, and go along. Either you'll get confirmation of cancer (FYI if he has stage 4 anything, he probably wouldn't have the strength to shove you or anyone else around) or the jig will be up. I'll bet the farm it's the latter.

He's an addict. He will bleed you dry, because cocaine or whatever he is on shouts A LOT louder than you or the kids ever do.

Being that he was in a car with a child and drugs, has child protective services ever been called? Has his shoving ever been against your children? You do not have to take it. Full stop, ever. Even with "just one" incident in your collective past, it was already one incident too many. At some point, the law will be involved, sooner or later. I highly recommend you separate from him and take the kids with you, because it is likely to get worse rather than better.

How much worse? You already know he steals from you. He already lies. He already smacks you around. Is there something which will magically make you see what a shitshow this is? Does one of your children need to be hurt? Does CPS have to be called, or the cops? Do you have to get a permanent injury? Does your entire savings have to be wiped out?

Because you've got nearly no wiggle room before this turns into something frighteningly permanent.

If you are absolutely dead set against leaving, at least take some steps to protect yourself and the kids, for the love of God. Open a separate bank account, don't give him access to it, and have your paycheck directly deposited into it. Make sure your neighbors have the keys to your house and they know your kids well (and if there are neighborhood kids around, even better), so your kids have a safe place to go if things get really bad.

Let go of the nostalgia of what he was like before. He's not that way now. That nostalgia isn't doing you any favors; it's just keeping you from acting.

Want to know the best and really only way to deal with this? Let him hit rock bottom and make the continuation of your marriage conditional on him getting help -- serious help, as in a month in a rehab clinic where he stays there overnight.

This is a serious situation. Your love and care aren't going to be enough to fix it.

And I would suggest also, please get some counseling and talk to an impartial professional about your self-esteem. Yes, you've been with him your entire life. But you have (hopefully) more than twice that left after today. Things don't have to be this way, and you don't have to stay.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  4  
Reply Mon 6 May, 2019 09:27 pm
@nikkisaunders88,
I think Jespah provided excellent advice. Right now it might seem like an impossible situation and you might agonize about hurting him....but jespah is right, it won't get better until he hits rock bottom. I was married to a violent alcoholic, kept making excuses for him and didn't actually leave until he tried to kill me. I was actually lucky because not all women manage to get away. Don't wait as long as I did, you're still very young and have opportunity to rebuild and raise your children in a safe environment.

I don't think about that time very often, it all happened 40+ years ago. The only time I think about it is when I read stories like yours. Please don't let this continue. Good luck.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 May, 2019 05:10 am
@glitterbag,
There's nothing like the words of someone who's been there.
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glitterbag
 
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Reply Wed 8 May, 2019 12:36 am
Are you kidding me??? You're an ambulance chaser and are trolling people talking about marital difficulties????? this is just too rude.
kaylie-the-cutter
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 May, 2019 06:31 pm
@nikkisaunders88,
you should take him to the cancer clinic yourself and then to a major psychologist hospital for he REALLY needs some help. as for the drugs you could ask for a phlebotomist to check his blood for any chemicaly added or injured cells because anyone that deep in the addiction it may be kin of hard to dig them outta that hole but if you really love him....through the struggles too..then you will gladely take that giant leap forward to cure your sick husband
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 May, 2019 08:26 pm
@glitterbag,
glitterbag wrote:

Are you kidding me??? You're an ambulance chaser and are trolling people talking about marital difficulties????? this is just too rude.


I don't remember who I directed this to, but it appears the comment was deleted.
0 Replies
 
gemers123
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2019 04:17 pm
@nikkisaunders88,
Nikki...

i really feel your pain and anguish as i read your words...and I'll be honest the first thing that flares up for me is the drug abuse.

talking as someone with firsthand experience...people reliant on drugs will lie, cheat, steal and even hurt those closest to them. At the time it does not matter how big or extravagant the lie...so long as the desired result is achieved. Honoring your vows is one thing...destroying your own life is another. you stick by your husband so long as he is willing to get help...not as he drives at 100mph blindfolded through you and your children lives. sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...and leaving could be the wake up call he needs. You sound like a strong loving woman...you will always be there for him...but sometimes to help someone you have to step back and take certain measures even if it hurts at the time. I realize this post isn't very helpful but just felt to write to you. i hope you all come out the other side together a united strong family! But get help! you can't do it along xx


Gemma
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