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Wed 13 May, 2009 06:31 am
I never understand why I am compelled to put issues like this out for everyone to read.
I guess part of me just needs the down time that comes with typing everything out.. needs the confirmation of emotion and the concrete place to read about something that is mine and know its ok.
Maybe Im a secret drama queen and I look forward to sharing my emotions in hopes of ego strokes. Maybe Im really angry and just want to know its ok.
And maybe Im still chewing on something that is horrible and I just dont know what to do with it. Im pretty sure it is all of the above.
Most of you know I gave a little girl up for adoption when i was younger.
She is now 13. ( gosh. I cant comprehend this)
She may be as tall as me now. My mother says she looks just like me.
I handed her to a set of parents who were wonderful, married something like 12, 13 years....already had their own child..good jobs , enough income to support a new home, vacations , savings, just a really good situation.
about 6 years ago.. maybe a tad more.. but not much.. the mother started becoming addicted to pain pills. She stole money from a very large computer chip plant that she worked for in order to support her habit.
Some how, some way, she skated away from that situation with no legal repercussions , a slap on the wrist and some much needed rehab.
She did not stop.
hand over fist she began taking more and more and more.. The last real communication she had with family confirmed a 25+ pills a day addiction.
Been there. Done that.
Once my mother told me that was where she was , I knew it was over.
Her husband divorced her to keep the kids safe and himself safe. So far he has been the best thing that has entered Js ( my daughter) life.
She went on to be sober for a little while longer, taking odd jobs here and there, bar waitress, fast food, etc etc. Finding men who would get her high then leave her..
I have no doubt she lived a shitty life.
The husband reported to the family once that he was driving on central avenue and saw her, prostituting. The girls were in the car.
Now, they may not have had the 'street smarts' enough to recognize what she was doing, and why she was on the corner like that... but .. kids are smarter then we think. And I can not imagine what that was like and Im sure there were other things they saw too that not everyone knows about.
Sobriety comes and goes like a tide.
Rehabs are weekend visits it seems and she floats her way out of sanity into this.....this pile of ****.
Its saturday before mothers day.
Woman has had another rehab go round and has an apt, job, and I guess is acting somewhat normal.
The girls, now 16+13 are riding in their own car to go see her for mothers day. Im gathering they were spending the night.
The iron storm door was open and locked, her front door open, tv on, lights on, but she was not answering the door when they got there. They called their dad who promptly ran over, locked them in to the car and broke in.
She was on the floor, dead for a while, needle right there, purple, and fresh/ish drugs.
From what i see in my minds eye, she was ' just taking a bit to get through', and that bit was a toxic mix.
For a week, I have been horribly sick. And it has been in waves . And it was 'the sick'. The sick that I felt when i was on heroin. The sick from too many pills. My belly was on fire. I would shake like crazy, become very dizzy and not be able to eat. There was no real fever because this wasnt a real illness.
On sunday, mothers day, the day after she was found, I was so tired my bones hurt. I worked early that morning from 730-11 and when i went home, i slept for five hours. When I woke up I thought it was a differnt day, different time.. I can not explain the confusion.
Im no longer sick. I hate having that kind of tie to people sometimes . And it is hard to explain the how and why I feel these things.
Since then I have had really odd things happen , well they are typical to ME, but odd none the less..
refridgerator cold air in my apt. You can actually see your breath.
Sighs, yells, dark things streaking by.
Bah.
I feel as though I have a hole in me honestly. A hole emotionally and physically. Im SO TIRED. so tired.
Im so confused. I have lost several days and even a client from forgetfulness.
im angry too. very angry.
I hate her.
she did to my child what I didnt want her to watch ME do.
I feel a sense of entitlement to damage by drug abuse ya know? Only I should be able to do that. Why? I dontfucking know. Im not in anyway saying i want to do those things I just DIDNT WANT HER ADOPTIVE PARENT TO .
i chose them to keep her safe from me.
now im the safe one.
i hate her.
I can see her in my minds eye, on the floor, brown hair, purple skin with lines of veins showing. Deep purple hands and face. She just crumbled. I dont think she even realized what was going on it was that instant.
I can smell that cool dead skin smell and see the shiny layer of salty sweat death leaves. I can see it, i can smell it and I just want to kick it. I want to find a rewind button and a bunch of money so i can afford to break in myself and beat her body up. I have so much intoxicating anger and hate that I am just numb. I dont feel a thing, yet I cant stop feeling.
I tried to work yesterday, and Im going to again today and what normally takes me 2 hours, took me almost 5.
Im waking up every now and then to find myself standing in the middle of the room with no recollection of what the **** i was doing, what was I thinking and where was I going.
Im a goldfish with a 3 second memory in a round tank. Every little while things feel fresh to me and I want to cry so hard I get sick. Then, i wake up and im standing in my living room, an inch or so from the wall lost in thought balancing my head for support.
Im not sick any more. I have not, in YEARS, felt so strongly about needing a fix like that. Being sick like that kept me awake at night and sweaty as if I were missing drugs in my system.I talked to my doc about it a few times and she wanted to treat me for stomach acid problems which I agreed to. That is what it feels like... but.. I knew it was wrong. I -knew- that sick. That sick isnt sick, that sick is drugs. But I have not taken any in so long I cant count the time. I was a teenager the last time I took heroin. Pills have not touched my lips in years either.. so wtf.
Sometimes I think i smell her. If that makes any sense.
if you have spent any time around someone who does a lot of street drugs, you know that chemical body smell. And every now and then, that smell is in my apartment.
her funeral is tomorrow.
Her obit reads happy mom, looking forward to school, giving parent.
its as if she really did not exist.
It is lies. Total lies.
She was calling people trying to set them up to be robbed
she left her kids, her home and made the conscious decision to stay high.
The woman I gave my child to was not who died. That was some kind of demon . but why cant people be honest at the time of death?
Why do people glaze over and become this.. this.. fake person with a fake smile and speak quietly as if something major is going to happen if they speak normally?
why do people say things like : they went with the lord; or they fell asleep, or other stupid fake stuff like that? Why is it wrong to just say " she died" , and why is it SO wrong to say what really happened? 'She died of overdose'.
but noooooo say that and people ignore you, get mad at you, and act like you have something wrong. its truth people. Not some fuzzy bunny sleepy ****.
she took too many drugs and died.
she died.
she died before her kids could see her on mothers day
and she didnt care enough to stop.
taboo that .
oh honey. I'm so sorry for all this. Not sorry like it's my fault...but...sorrowful.
you're in shock. that's what you're experiencing.
you brain can manufacture any type of physical ailment it wants.
re the dying. yeah, I get that. when my brother died I went to my parents house for the funeral.
I answered the phone at one point, and it was a man that used to be our neighbor when I was a kid. His wife was the biggest lush you'd ever seen, and died from drink.
Dick asked me what my brother died of, and I replied "Acute alcoholism" I figured if anyone knew what that was like, he would. Surpisingly, he didn't seem to know how to respond...but it ended up being a good conversation. Later my mother said "Why did you tell Dick that A died of alcoholism?"
My reply of "because that's what he died of" just pissed her off more.
yeah....like everyone didn't know your birth dtrs mother wasn't a junki...like everyone didn't know my brother was a drunk.
going through this now with Wally, feeling I have to qualify he's going in a rehab over his "perscription drugs", like that makes it more acceptable.
I can grasp a little of your feelings of your feelings your dtr ended up in a place you were trying to avoid by giving her up.
One thing though...she did have a decent mother for awhile, she's got a good dad (I hope) and a good sister.
you've offered me your strength before shewolf, I'm here if you need any from me.
Oh shewolf. I'm so sorry.
I know that you know that this is not your fault but I also know that doesn't stop you from feeling angry and frustrated. I don't blame you for being angry, she betrayed your trust on a vitally important issue -- your daughter's life and happiness.
Seriously, honey, you should try to get in to see a counselor so that you can talk it all out. For your sake and Bean's sake, you need to get it out and find peace.
@shewolfnm,
No need to feel bad about sharing shewolf. There's a lot there for you to deal with emotionally. Sometimes life can be ugly and at those times sharing is a way to cope.
(I never know what to say at times like these, but maybe this will act as a bump to bring those that do know.)
@shewolfnm,
I'm really sorry too, shewolf. This sucks. But as far as her daughters go, maybe it wasn't soon enough. Think of the years ahead of them and the hell of the falling off and getting back on the wagon they'd have to watch. It must be a relief in a sense.
And as for you, maybe you're feeling all of this for your daughter. I don't know what she's feeling right now, but maybe you're absorbing the worst of it.
@shewolfnm,
What an awful situation. I'm sorry that you, and everyone involved, are having to go through it.
Some of your symptoms sound like PTSD to me, and the intrusive thoughts, memory problems, sleep disruptions, etc. could be depression. (I know I sound like a broken record sometimes, but it's serious stuff.)
@shewolfnm,
shewolfnm wrote:
why do people say things like : they went with the lord; or they fell asleep, or other stupid fake stuff like that? Why is it wrong to just say " she died" , and why is it SO wrong to say what really happened? 'She died of overdose'.
but noooooo say that and people ignore you, get mad at you, and act like you have something wrong. its truth people. Not some fuzzy bunny sleepy ****.
she took too many drugs and died.
she died.
she died before her kids could see her on mothers day
and she didnt care enough to stop.
taboo that .
I don't get that either. People say those things to avoid the frightening words, but end up doing themselves a disservice. Never tell a kid, for example, that dying is like falling asleep and not waking up. How terrifying for them to imagine that....
@shewolfnm,
shewolfnm wrote:her funeral is tomorrow.
Her obit reads happy mom, looking forward to school, giving parent.
its as if she really did not exist.
It is lies. Total lies.
She was calling people trying to set them up to be robbed
she left her kids, her home and made the conscious decision to stay high.
The woman I gave my child to was not who died. That was some kind of demon . but why cant people be honest at the time of death?
Why do people glaze over and become this.. this.. fake person with a fake smile and speak quietly as if something major is going to happen if they speak normally?
It sounds like the woman you gave your child died a long time ago. But no one ever had a chance to mourn that woman. I suggest that people remember the good about her.
Geez, Shewolf - I have no idea what to say to all that. It sounds like hell what you're going through. All I can do is give you a big hug and surround you with love.
Agreeing with what's been said so far, just adding my voice in support...
@shewolfnm,
hugs, wolfie.
life is unfair, even cruel sometimes.
you are a gem.
@Rockhead,
Man oh man. Offering you my support, hon.
@sozobe,
A question -- and maybe this is too raw, disregard if so -- have you had contact with her? Do you know if she wants to have contact with you? Is that part of the current turmoil, trying to figure out if contact would be a good or bad thing?
These are a lot of emotions to swallow, and I think you can identify with your
daughter's adoptive mother more than you care to admit - thus the anger.
You're angry at her for the path she's chosen was the one you had successfully
escape from. You are stronger than her and you fault her for her weakness
to not withstand drugs.
In one way you feel for her, you've been there yourself, you know the pains
of heroin, and how hard it is to get clean. The experience of "dry run" you have now is probably showing the deep connection you do have with her, you emphasize and at the same time you're angry what she's done to your daughter, her family and you.
You need to forgive her for being weak and not being able to kick the habit.
She wasn't as strong as you, or as you had hoped her to be. You might not
forgive her now, but you need to find some closure to all this - for you,
your family, and especially little Bean.
@shewolfnm,
First of all, a great big super hug. You are loved here, shewolf, and we're fine with your writing all this down.
It does sound like a shock reaction, not that I'm an expert. As a non expert, my first take is "breathe in slowly, breathe out" for calm, gathering yourself.
I have been through similar wild anger at a very young relative's mother, and as karma would have it, I was the one she called the night she was dying, incoherent, screaming. I didn't have all your reactions, but I think I remember getting cold, at least stunned. I found out she died the next day - she had called me from the hospital, or on the way, I forget now which. Liver complications..
I don’t know what to say "but how horrible. For you, your daughter, and the family. This story made me cry " how hard and sad. To think you cared enough about your child to give her up so that she could have a good life and then the opposite happens. All I can say is I am so sorry.
The funeral and death stuff is odd to me too. I remember as a teen, my best friend’s dad died. I was close to the family and spent as much time with them as my own. At the wake, I just stayed with my friend " what could I say she was devastated so I just stayed with her and listened to her. I still remember her saying why does everyone say how good he looks " he doesn’t look good, he’s dead! I think people think it is helpful to the family and children if they make things better than they are " I think even a child knows the truth so like you said why don’t you just speak the truth?
(((SheWolf))) Big Big Hugs
She failed you, she failed your daughter; she was not nearly as strong as you are.
PTSD, yes, and shock. These will pass; talking in the meantime will help. A therapist to talk to might help. We will help all we possibly can.
Listening. Sending love and hugs.
nothing to say, just offering support
@BorisKitten,
((( SheWolf )))
My first thoughts were along the lines of BK's and DD's. PTSD/shock/depression -- all of which are understandable. Your strong sense of anger is equally understandable. I can almost hear you saying, "How DARE she betray that trust?" Whatever the words are, they're appropriate.
One other thought... I read somewhere where drugs taken years ago are sometimes stored in body fat and folks who lose a lot of weight find themselves reliving all sorts of experiences from their drug days as the drugs are released into their system. I have no idea if it's true or not but I think I saw that you were doing some dieting. It might partially explain the drug-type feelings you're experiencing.
Keep talking, keep writing, keep breathing, keep doing whatever you can do to make sense of a situation that makes no sense at all.
Big, big hugs to you.
Wolfie,
You've worked hard to get where you are today. Don't allow this to destroy all you've accomplished. If you need to, cancel your business appointments for a few days while you seek people to help you find your way through this. Just tell them there is a family emergency you need to tend to and will be back to your schedule in a week. Doing so will prevent further loss of clients while you work through the immediate shock and anger.
This is a good teaching moment for the Beanster. She'll learn from you that reaching out for help is the best option; not drugs.
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